No words were remotely sufficient for what she was feeling at this moment, though she doubted she could have said anything if she tried. She felt the tears streaming down her cheeks, a fountain of grief and relief and anger and hope and love. They were the tears you shed when you are reunited with the one person who has the power to break you when they are gone. They were the tears she had refused to shed since the day she had decided to stop feeling.
He grinned ear to ear and started to approach her. She felt her chest constrict.
"Uh uh uh." The Maquillian soldier stopped him. "As sweet as this reunion is, I believe we have more pressing matters. We have a debt to settle, Doctor."
The doctor turned to him as though he was just now even registering his presence. The Doctor placed his hands in his pockets and eyed the soldier up and down.
"Matters to attend to, yes. We do have matters to attend to, but I must say, there is no debt to pay. It was most tragic that the Admiral was killed, but I can assure you that I had nothing to do with his assassination."
"The audacity!" The soldier started.
The Doctor raised a finger to interrupt him. "The Admiral was killed by a man that was hurting very much. He had lost many loved ones in the wars between your planets. A resolution can be reached. A peace that could stand as the model for the entire galaxy could be forged, if only you would take the first step. The Maquillians are a strong people and could be even greater if you would move past this. Let Emily go. She has no part in these matters."
The soldier waved his hand at the Doctor dismissively. "She has everything to do with this, Doctor. Despite your assertions to the contrary, you had everything to do with the assassination of the Admiral of the Royal Guard. It's really quite simple. You see, that is the thing about you Doctor. You may never kill anyone directly, but there are so many in the universe that would do anything for you. You never would have to kill, would you? You know this Doctor. The man that killed the Admiral was indeed hurting. I will not deny this. I have lost loved ones in battle. I am well acquainted with the sentiment. However, he admired you so. He felt that by assassinating the Admiral, not only would it satisfy a misguided sense of justice, but he felt it would serve you. Did you not read his statements after the assassination, or was that too much to ask Doctor? He told delegates that he was finishing the work you were doing there."
"Those were the convictions of a very sick man." The Doctor said simply, though his eyes betrayed the fact that he knew there was some truth in the Maquillian's words.
"Do you feel no responsibility, Doctor, for the people that would kill for you? No responsibility for the people that would die for you? You must be stopped Doctor. You wield far too much power. Surely, at your age you realize this? Surely you understand that this cannot be allowed."
The Doctor stood quietly. He made no move to contradict him.
"Doctor, this has gone on too long. The question here, is not that of your guilt. That is self evident. The question is to whom do you answer, Doctor? Who governs you? I am here today to see that justice is served. I am here to see to it you answer for all of the blood that is on your hands."
Emily could no longer watch this. She stood up. "Please stop this. I beg of you, let him go. Take me."
The soldier turned back to her and regarded her again is if he had forgotten she was there, a discarded pawn in this game that was so much bigger than her. "Human, you act as though you have a say in the matter. While your life is hardly compensation for his, you were always the one that I planned on killing. You see, I never had any intention of killing the Doctor. I think death would be far too compassionate. I intended to teach him a lesson he would never forget. Now," he picked up her journal "I believe we shall have a little show and tell before we commence with the festivities. I think there are some things the Doctor should hear before he watches you die."
He held out her journal to her. It was turned to her last entry. "Read it." The soldier commanded.
She shook her head. She was whispering now. "No. Please don't ask me to do that."
His smile curled wickedly. "Read him the entry or I really will kill him. I want him to suffer more than I want him dead, but I could just as easily kill him if you'd like, but his blood would be on your hands girl." He raised a gun to the Doctor's head.
"No!" Her hands her shaking as she raised the journal up to read. "I'll read, just let him live."
"That's better."
She paused, thoughtful, silent tears streaming down her face.
"I'm sorry, Doctor. You are too important. I can't let you die." He saw the pain in her face.
"Don't do it Emmy. Let her go! Take me. We can come to an agreement!"
"Doctor, the time for negotiations are through. Read human, or watch your precious Doctor die. His blood will be on your hands. Read him your last entry. The one you just finished writing as you heard us walking up the beach."
She looked down at the pages of her journal, now marked with her tears. She looked up at him again. She drank in every inch of him, knowing this was the last time she would ever see this impossible man, her impossible man, the love of her life.
"I'm sorry, Doctor. I'm so sorry."
She looked back down at the journal and began to read.
"So this is how it ends. Funny really. I guess I always knew. It' s no surprise that I am sitting on this beach. Our beach. Alone and waiting for that noise. That wonderful noise. The only noise in the universe that can make me run towards it because it means home. It means that the love of my life has just shown up and he wants me to run like hell. I would too. I'd run anywhere with that man.
She ventured a look up at him. She wished she hadn't, because she had never seen him looked so pained in her life. But, she was saving his life. That is what mattered. She was doing what she had to do. She she took a deep breath, gathering the strength to continue, and dropped her eyes back to the journal.
"Any normal girl would not think of that as her ideal day, but I am no ordinary girl. I am the Doctor's companion and I have, in the great tradition of his companions, fallen completely and utterly in love with him. It's the most hopeless thing in the world. We all think we will spend forever with him, but he leaves us all in the end.
She choked through this last bit. She didn't dare look up because she knew how badly she was hurting him. Despite all of the emotions that came flooding back at the very sight of him, the truth was that she still loved him and the idea of hurting him was killing her. It would all be over soon, though.
"He continues on his adventures and we are left behind where he found us. Left to try to pick up the pieces. Left to try and figure out how to survive without the man who stole our heart even though he has two of his own.
"I would venture to say that all of his companions have spent enough time on their very own versions of this beach to realize that he is not coming back. He has found a replacement and she will stay with him long enough to have her heart broken when he decides he needs to do the noble thing and bring her home to Earth where it is safe. She will be broken like the rest of us. She will spend the rest of her life hungry and wanting for the man who forever changed her life and then took it away.
She paused and swallowed, took a deep breath and then continued.
"I was only 22 when he took me. I spent three years with him. Three years trusting him with my life. Three years falling for him. Now, I've spent the last three years trying to learn how to live again. The sad truth is, I never really did. I figured out how to exist, but not how to live. This makes me so angry. I never dreamed that I would be that girl. I always scoffed at the very idea that I could love a man so completely and envelope myself so much in him that it would cripple me if he left. I was always a bit proud of myself for that, but it happened. I'm that girl, and I'm so damned angry that I let it happen.
"And yet, when I think of the good times, my heart softens just enough to forget my anger for a moment. I can't hate him. I could never hate him. I will always love that impossible man. I just hate how much it hurts to be without him.
"I found out a month ago that I was being hunted by one of the many enemies that the Doctor has made in his travels. I can't run anymore, not if it's not with him. What's the point? So, I'm going to wait. They will find me and kill me, but until then, I will have this moment on the beach where he left me. I will spend the last moments of my life with him, in my mind. Loving him."
She closed the journal and forced herself to look up at him, finally. He was crying. "Oh Emmy. My dear Emmy. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I wanted to say goodbye. I did. When we landed I looked over and you were laying on the floor of the TARDIS, unconscious. Alive only through shear, dumb luck. It made me sick that I would gamble with your life like that. It made me sick that I had... "
She stopped him, before he could continue. There were few things as painful as watching the Doctor cry. "Please Doctor. Don't. I always knew you had your reasons. It didn't hurt any less, but I never was angry with you. Myself yes, but never with you. Know that. The truth is I loved you so much, there was only ever room for that. It only hurt so much because you were missing. I love you. I wish so much that I had been brave enough to tell you that sooner, but that's it. That's the truth. I love you and I will always love you and I guess, if I'm going to be honest, I always have. I don't care to remember a time when I didn't."
"Well this is all very touching, but I came to have an execution." The Maquillian kicked her to her knees. He raised his weapon to her temple. "Let this always be a reminder to you Doctor. For the rest of your existence, when you think of her, when you picture her face, may you hear her words and know she died for you. Know you live because of a human that fell in love with you, with the idea of you, and she would have done anything for you. Know that just like every soul you've crossed, she was mesmerized by you and paid the ultimate price. You do answer to someone Doctor. You answer to all of them. May you carry this weight on your conscience and throughout the galaxy." He steadied his hand to fire.
"Emily!" The other soldiers held him back.
"You know what I saw the night I was bitten by the Primean Cave Mite? It was you on the brink of death and I couldn't get to you. That's what I feared the most. That changed, though, Doctor. I know now that everyone dies, even you. My greatest fear now was one of us dying without me getting the chance to tell you that you were the love of my life. There was never any other. I always assumed there would be another opportunity to tell you. You know now, though, so I can go. Please don't cry my love. I want your smile be the last thing I see. That's what I want to take with me. I'm ok. I'm ok because we had this and it was the best."
She blew him a kiss and smiled. She was still smiling when the soldier pulled the trigger. The last thing she saw was her Doctor's eyes. Those beautiful eyes. The journal fell to the sand and a wail of agony filled the crisp, sea air. The Doctor broke free of the guards and ran to her, collapsing on her lifeless body. He clutched her to his chest and sobbed. He rocked her as though he thought the sheer force of his overwhelming grief could breathe life back into her.
"You will continue to pay your debt, Doctor, every time you think of her face." The soldiers all grasped a small device on their wrists and vanished, returned to their ship, their mission having been completed.
The Doctor didn't even respond. Years ago, his rage would have dictated his actions. Now, though, he just hurt. So, he just held her. "Oh Emmy." He kissed the top of her head. "My Emily. You brave and wonderful girl." He continued to whisper her name with reverence, like a prayer. She lay limp in his arms. A physical testament to what his life had become. He had lost so much in his life, his far too long life. Holding Emily's lifeless body in his arms, it felt as though the wounds of a lifetime had just been ripped back open and were hemorrhaging.
He had been so pleased with himself, too. As much as it had hurt to leave her, he knew that he had to bring her back while she was still alive. She had survived the super nova, but only through shear dumb luck. A momentary decrease in radiation levels had allowed him to get her out of there, and for what? His loneliness? Was he really that selfish that he would risk her life just to satisfy his need to not be alone? Enough was enough. How many companion's lives would he ruin? The Maquillian's weren't wrong. That, maybe, was what hurt the most. Despite, his best efforts, her death was still on his hands.
