A/N: Hiiii, guys, how are you? The ninth chapter of our story is here, really hope you'll like it. Let's see who Sasha is addressing with her fifth letter and whether it's someone you expect, shall we? ;) By the way, I told you I won't go with the manga's plot concerning Eren and the volunteers, but some initial suspicions about what's going on will be mentioned in the story.
Lieutenant Myst: Awww, thank you so much, glad you liked the previous chapter :D Yep, Eren was a MASSIVE jerk in Chapter 112 and I seriously think he's showing signs of becoming a villain in the story, let's see what happens. I think Levi, by mentioning Historia and what will happen after she gives birth, tries to win some time for her (he said "if she's ready", so maybe he believes she doesn't deserve this). Can't wait for Chapter two of your story, hehehe.
Warning: This fanfic contains SPOILERS for the Attack on Titan manga series, especially the Marley arc.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Attack on Titan universe or the TV series Thirteen Reasons Why, which inspired this story.
When their conversation is over, Mikasa leaves to go back to the shooting range to continue her training, serious and emotionless as ever, as if her outburst was nothing more than a brief reaction triggered by the discussion and this month's events…a reaction she needed to let out in order to go back to her focused and expressionless state. She departs leaving a very confused Commanding Officer behind, who's still trying to process everything she told him and taking deep breaths to calm down after his own outburst. It feels oddly redeeming…he expressed his disdain out loud, even though Mikasa was probably as confused when she read the letters as he is right now…pouring everything out, everything that's been torturing him since yesterday, makes him feel a lot better, as if a part of his bitterness and his anger left him.
It has nothing to do with yesterday's blankness, he realizes as he goes back to the bench he was seated earlier, under the tree; no, now he truly feels ready to continue and discover everything Sasha wanted to relay them through this series of letters. More importantly, though, now he has one more reason: Mikasa telling him that the Scouts will sink if he doesn't understand has pretty much confirmed his suspicion that there is more behind everyone's persistence that he's the key to all this. It's not only relevant to the connection he had to Sasha and how he needs to understand her motives, but it's also important to the entire regiment…and, quite possibly, it's directly connected to the plan Sasha formed, whatever it was.
Sasha said that she had this in mind when she left for Paradis as a twelve-year-old, but Historia helped her perfect it. Then…just how long exactly did she need to complete this plan? How many stages did she go through?
And when did she write the letters? In the end or somewhere in the middle of this plan? What gave her the idea to leave thirteen letters behind?
He laughs unwillingly as he sits down once more; apparently, the more questions these letters will answer, the more they will create. As he opens the envelope with the number 5, he absentmindedly looks around, admiring the scenery that soothes his nerves despite everything that's occurring; the blossoming nature around him, the sound the waves make when they reach shore, the rays of sunlight falling on the parchment through the leaves…it's like his surroundings are contradicting the rotten reality he and his comrades have to face and Jean, maybe for the first time, understands Mikasa's statement of a few years prior that the world is cruel and yet beautiful.
Sasha always loved nature as well, whether they were on a mission in the woods or camping near the ocean. Back when she was alive, he had thought it was because of her being raised in Dauper…now, though, he wonders if that's a result of growing up in the secluded Eldian neighborhoods of Marley and then in the military's training barracks…or if he's only paranoid.
"Well, then…Letter Number Five it is," he mumbles as if trying to encourage himself and focuses on what Sasha wrote, simultaneously trying to guess who the letter is addressed to.
Can the dead hear and read your thoughts from another world to which you don't have access?
Now that would be one of the toughest mysteries to solve, eh? Maybe I'm standing beside you as you read the letters. Maybe I'm in your head and can hear every single thought that courses through your mind. Maybe I'm flying around your room or whichever location you've chosen to read, invisible, watching like a silent observer. Maybe another deceased person is right beside me, laughing at your expressions as you read.
Ymir, it's time for your letter, my old friend.
"Ymir?" Jean whispers and an odd feeling overwhelms him immediately…a feeling of déjà-vu, a feeling of something old coming back to him…something he hadn't paid attention to for a long time and now comes back to remind him of everything he has pushed from his mind.
Because truth be told, he hasn't thought about his deceased friend for a very long time…four years actually. Or, at least, he hasn't admitted that he's thought about his deceased friend; the irritable and rude Titan Shifter who helped them all in the end during the fight against Reiner and Bertholdt returns in his memories every now and then, but he avoids mentioning her because her disappearance and the letter she sent to announce them that she planned to return her Titan power to Marley left such a strong impact on the squad that, for the first months after the news of her death, Sasha's eyes filled with tears at the mere mention of her name, Connie pretended to have an urgent duty and left the room, Mikasa tried and failed to pretend that she regretted not killing her and Jean himself faked composure in order to hide his own shock.
He only dared talk about her to Historia once in these four years…several months ago, the first time he visited the Queen after the Scouts learned of her pregnancy. Sasha still lived with their blond friend that period of time, tending to her and relaxing herself in the countryside, benefiting from the permission Jean gave her to go to the countryside after Potato Girl's devastation at Historia being used like that. The Commanding Officer had decided to visit them then, together with Hanji, to see if they needed anything and to share with them the latest developments in the Scout Regiment, particularly Eren's growing impatience at their unwillingness to attack Marley.
Jean smiles now at that memory, because he still remembers her reaction…she had responded in true Historia fashion, collected and poised and throwing his comment right back at him, yet still without irony or cruelty in her voice and words.
"Thanks for sending Sasha here, it's nice to have another girl." Historia says gently as she sits with Jean at the front porch of her new residence, calmly breathing the fresh air and with a tranquil expression on her face…way more peaceful than Jean would expect her to be given her circumstances. "And with all the MPs coming here lately, Friedrich and I are happy to see a friendly face," she adds and Jean gives her a nod of understanding; her unexpected pregnancy has upset the plans the Military Police had for her and surely they're gonna give her a hard time, especially at the beginning.
"Yeah, I thought it would do you two good to look after each other. Have to admit, though, I'm surprised with how calm you are about all this mess," the Commanding Officer replies and, were the woman next to him the goddess-like Krista he had met, he would have ruffled her hair and teased her, but right now there's nothing funny in Historia's choice to become pregnant earlier than planned in order to thwart the plan to take Zeke's power.
Historia doesn't reply at once, although, judging from her serious look, his words have given her food for thought. They spend some quiet moments, Jean giving her the space she needs to gather her thoughts and reply to him whenever she feels comfortable. Instead, he uses the silence to enjoy the peace of the woods surrounding them, Hanji's voice echoing from inside the house as she contacts Levi back at Headquarters, and Sasha and Friedrich talking in the front yard, the female archer informing the man about the recent improvements in the Scouts' communication devices. Despite the countless open issues the regiment is currently facing, Jean can't help but smile at Sasha, who's much more relaxed than the last time he saw her…right now she kinda reminds him of the funny Potato Girl he met and not the desperate Scout who wondered about how many innocent children will be forced to pay for everything.
"You know, I suspected it would come down to that sooner or later, from the moment I became Queen…you know, giving birth to heirs to the throne of Paradis for strategic reasons," Historia's voice makes him focus back on her; her tone marks acceptance for her situation and protectiveness for her unborn child. "Besides…someone told me she hoped I would live a life I would be proud of…and, well, I'm pretty proud of winning us some time instead of becoming the Beast Titan right away," she concludes with a sly giggle, like a little girl who has pulled a very successful prank on the authorities.
"Let me guess…that someone being Ymir? It definitely sounds like something she would say." Jean states, now sadness and nostalgia evident in his tone as he remembers the Titan Shifter who sacrificed herself to Marley as a way to redeem herself. He throws a careful look towards the Queen, afraid that he has hurt a sensitive spot by mentioning her, but she nods, encouraging him to go on. "You don't talk about her very often since we received her letter."
"Yes…for the same reason you don't talk about Marco very often." She replies sharply, although not with anger, only with a hint of grief for the people they have lost throughout the years and who had a life-altering impact on both of them; especially since they didn't farewell Ymir properly before she left and Marco's death remains a mystery for them.
Jean flinches at the mention of his best friend—after all, it was him who discovered Marco's mangled corpse and gave his information to the medics—but he nods in understanding, agreeing with Historia's hidden message. Because, no matter how much they miss Marco and Ymir and everyone else, talking about them makes the pain only realer and worse despite the four years that have passed.
"Sasha starts saying that maybe she should return to Headquarters," the blonde changes the subject, sensing that a conversation about more urgent matters will help distracting them from negative memories. "She loves it here, of course, and she has calmed down, but she's getting restless and says she wants to go back…and to think that she first offered to stay with me until I give birth."
"Maybe it's the huntress's instinct that's talking." Jean speculates, briefly looking towards Sasha as if to check any changes on her mood before focusing back on the Queen. "We're all restless this period of time, although I can't explain it. Anyway," he changes the subject and gives a mocking tone in his voice, "since Sasha misses us too, Hanji and I are planning to stay for a week or two and then return with her to HQ."
A plan that woukdn't be fulfilled.
Mere days after this conversation, Hanji, Jean and Sasha were called back with the urgent news that Eren had secretly left for Marley, silently during the night and leaving only a small note to Mikasa to inform her about his plans.
Ymir, who grew up in Marley, came to Paradis as part of her punishment, was transformed into a mindless Titan, acquired the Jaw Titan and then returned it to Marley by sacrificing herself, Jean makes the parallels, almost feeling like laughing at the unexpected connections he's making, as if this messed up world continues throwing him tragic ironies.
Sasha, who grew up and trained in Marley, came to Paradis as a spy for her mission, abandoned it afterwards, joined the Survey Corps and then got murdered in Liberio by a warrior kid after the battle was over.
And Eren, who spent his entire life wanting to eliminate the Titans, became humanity's last hope, acquired the Attack and Founding Titan, discovered that the Beast Titan is his half-brother and then went undercover to Marley to meet him in secret, formed a plan with him under our noses and dragged us all there for a battle we didn't even want to fight.
The Commanding Officer shakes his head, not wanting to drown in this dark void of anger and bitterness once more; he may be slightly calmer now thanks to his suspicions that Sasha was honest to them, but it's there, lingering, threatening to resurface at any moment because this is far from over. Not to mention that he can't stop thinking about Mikasa's warning that the entire regiment will sink if he doesn't find the necessary answers…so he takes a deep breath, blocks the memories and continues reading Ymir's letter.
Hey, no need to freak out, guys, you don't have to send this letter anywhere. I know exactly what fate has befallen her. But like I said, these letters aren't following the common logic. These letters serve a specific purpose and I can't leave one of the bravest and most complicated people I've ever met out of them. Just read it like you read the ones before it and then continue. And when you're finished, send the box to the next receiver.
"I'd be surprised if they followed the common logic, Sasha, after all you wrote them." The comment escapes him spontaneously, teasingly, just like in the past when he mocked her about her love for food and her carefree character, only pretending to be annoyed by her.
It's oddly bittersweet and simultaneously so like Sasha, to include a friend who has passed away in her letters, and he raises his head for a moment, almost as if expecting both Ymir and Sasha to stand in front of him like 'silent observers' as Sasha mentioned…the one with a sarcastic statement and the other with a funny and yet encouraging one to help him go on. It's the same sensation he had yesterday when he opened the envelope with the first letter and recognized Sasha's handwriting, thinking that he would see her in his office, laughing at the prank she pulled on him.
"Maybe I am stuck in the past, after all…clinging to my memories like a fool in denial," he mumbles, repeating what Eren told him last night when the latter reprimanded him for desperately trying to believe Sasha's words. "But then again…it's like Mikasa said…can someone really let a loved one go like that…someone you've lived with for seven years? Someone who, in the end, didn't betray you like you originally thought?"
Jean almost wishes Ymir were here with him right now, for she always snapped at everyone when they got too optimistic or emotional, saying that sentiment and caring is not an advantage. It's so easy to push everything away, to give up hope, but this box and the questions that torture him don't allow him to do that…especially if the future of the Recon Corps hangs in the balance because of the revelations that are coming. But then again, he's also really curious in what way exactly Ymir influenced Sasha in her decision—after all Sasha used to say how scared she was of their irritable comrade—and so he simply proceeds with the letter.
I was used to being treated roughly from an early age—it's what happens when you're forced to join military forces when you're eight years old. You have to receive toughness to become tough yourself, after all. But despite that, Ymir, you were a whole new lesson on that subject.
The way you snapped at everyone and behaved like you didn't care about anything…well, you had something on you I couldn't explain. Like I was afraid of you and at the same time like I wanted to be your friend for that reason. Because you were tactless and sarcastic as hell, but I admired that, although at the beginning you reminded me of my commandants back in Marley. After all, you kept saying that kindness makes you vulnerable and you have to build walls to protect yourself.
Historia was the one who taught me how to be a good person, but you, my friend, you taught me how to truly stand my ground. How to answer to any sort of injustice without letting anything fall to the ground. And somehow I managed to combine these two…to be witty and funny at the same time. You'd probably say this is cheesy nonsense if you read this letter, but this is how I interpreted all this.
I remember that conversation we had. On a sunny evening during our cadets days when you, Historia and I were doing some chore or other. Someone else would dismiss it as another teasing banter between three friends, but for me it was like a wakeup call.
"You're really starting to tick me off."
"What?"
"That stupid way you talk politely to everyone. Why don't you talk to other cadets like normal?"
"Um…well, you see…"
"Wait. Let me guess. You're embarrassed by the way people sound from your village. Bull's-eye? I'm surprised an idiot like you cares so much. You can't do anything but hunt and you're afraid of people, to top it off. I bet you don't have a single good reason for aiming to become a soldier."
"Ouch, that actually hurt, Ymir!" Jean exclaims as he reads the lines, imagining Ymir's sharp voice uttering these words and trying to think how Sasha reacted upon hearing them. After all, even though not knowing the circumstances, Ymir had actually hit the bull's–eye in her assessing Sasha's overly polite behavior.
True, Jean didn't consider Sasha a great soldier either back then—something totally wrong, after all the girl made it to the top ten of their cadet group—but he never thought that Potato Girl could be afraid of people; quite the contrary, she was so open, so kind and so funny that she gave the opposite impression. But then again, back then he also didn't know that she hailed from Marley and not from Dauper; still, Ymir's conclusion that Sasha probably didn't have a motivation for becoming a soldier hurts more than he thought possible.
Most of all because, in the end, it's partially true.
Because Sasha only saw Paradis and the 104th Trainee Corps as the opportunity she needed to burn the bridges with the nation she grew up in and her mission as a spy gave her the incentive she wanted. But it was never in her plans to actually become a soldier, much less a good one; she only enlisted as part of her assignment, without knowing what the future on the island would bring her. Only afterwards did she finally become used to it, met new friends and joined the Scouts, apparently staying loyal to them until the end.
"I'm really curious to see how she reacted," he chuckles now, wondering whether she managed to keep her composure and reply to Ymir without indicating that she was hiding major secrets about herself.
I really didn't know what to tell you at that moment and while Historia scolded you I thought about everything you said. It wasn't out of embarrassment, Ymir. Ironically enough, that overly polite way of speech had become my natural way of talking…being learned by force during my training in the Marley military.
You see, Ymir, from the moment you enter the training barracks, you stop being a normal child. You become an Eldian soldier who has to prove that you're an emotionless soldier that puts nation above family…meaning you leave everything that defined you behind. Your parents, your friends, even the trademark accent of the Liberio ghetto where you grew up. And if I started narrating the beating I went through in order to master this polite way of speech towards my superiors, believe me, this letter would never end.
So you can imagine my surprise when I heard you mentioning my accent, even though you believed back then that I was some hunter from Dauper who wanted to appear as polite.
Thing is, though, you were absolutely right. About me being afraid of people, I mean. I was a good hunter who had mastered her spying techniques, but didn't have significant skills as a soldier and, to top it off, I was truly terrified of people.
Or, rather, I was terrified of getting close to people. I feared that, if my birth accent slipped, people would realize that I didn't have Dauper origins, but Marley ones…and that this would blow my cover and destroy everything I had tried to build as a normal soldier of the 104th Cadet Corps.
"Oh, Sasha, and then you said I was the one who needed to open up to people." Jean whispers bitterly, but not angrily like he reacted to the very first letters. After all, maybe that's exactly the reason why Sasha insisted so much that he should be more trusting towards others; maybe she saw her fear of people being reflected in him and her advice to him was also an advice to herself.
Still, to think that particularly Sasha, the laughing Sasha, was afraid of getting close to people, hurts so badly that it catches him off guard, like he can sense her pain through this letter…and her anguish at hearing Ymir reach this conclusion. The Commanding Officer rereads these paragraphs and now the familiar feeling of anger returns…although not at Sasha herself, but at her descriptions of receiving violence in her training and being forced to always be polite and obeying her Marley superiors.
And then we wonder why Reiner, Bertholdt, Annie, Falco, Gabi and even Sasha herself acted that way? He mentally wonders; he's not excusing the warriors for what they've done, but this explains a lot about their behavior and their secrecy. Hell, he's been yelling for an entire month that executing Falco and Gabi won't stop the war or improve the island's negotiating attempts with the other nations; why on earth does everyone insist that they need to act their revenge on two brainwashed kids?
"Is this rough behavior the trigger I've been looking for? The trigger that brought Sasha to the point of abandoning her spying mission and risking Marley's wrath?" He utters and can't help but think about the irony of Sasha's conversation with Ymir…the Titan Shifter had assumed that Potato Girl's politeness was due to her embarrassment for her origins, while in fact it was there because she had been forced to use it. "Is this how it feels like, being a warrior or a spy for the Marleyan military? Beneath the sense of honor and the rubbish of atoning for their ancestors' sins…is that the real truth behind everything? A feeling of being unable to resist?"
"Sasha…you're gonna care what other people think and be someone you're not your whole life? What a crock of shit. You're fine as it is, so talk in your own words for crying out loud!"
"Ymir, Sasha is who Sasha wants to be. Her words will always be her own. And I happen to like her."
This exchange between you and Historia gave me food for thought for the rest of the night, Ymir. When I heard you say that I'm fine as I am and that being someone I wasn't was a crock of shit, for a moment I truly thought that you had seen through me. That you had discovered who I was and indirectly told me to send Marley straight to hell.
But like I said, these words of yours didn't only teach me that the only one who could define my true self was me. I also learned that, in order to defend myself, I had to become tougher and speak my mind…using harsh words if necessary. You lived for yourself…you had allowed specific people to get close to you, but you didn't use them to hide behind their backs. You protected them, but you only lived for yourself, without allowing anyone to shape you into someone you weren't.
"She really was terrified of us discovering her secret. Not because of how we would react, but because she didn't want to be reminded of her past!" Jean exclaims, his mind returning him to that conversation with Sasha and Connie when they were seventeen, Sasha saying that she didn't go back to where she lived and her clear terror when he told her that their hardships as a soldier shaped her. Apparently his suspicions are right; Sasha's fear back then had its roots to the impression that he had discovered something about the past she was trying to get over.
It seems, though, that this tough sarcasm Ymir displayed helped Sasha in finding her self-confidence, just like Historia taught her how to be herself without allowing the past horrors to define her whole life. And man does Jean admire Ymir for this reason; rudeness or not, she was always focused on her personal goal; protecting Historia was due to her own choice and not because someone had assigned her this mission; even her sacrifice wasn't a forced one, she returned to Marley fully aware of the consequences.
"Maybe this is why Historia didn't grieve for her so openly…because she knew that Ymir had chosen this and wouldn't want anyone to change her mind," he states, laughing at the thought of Ymir going ballistic at the plans everyone has for Historia and yet being proud of the Queen for her decision to win some time by giving birth to her child first.
Judging from what Sasha's saying next, she had the exact same thought.
I reached that conclusion when Historia told us about the letter you sent her…about what had befallen over you. I was already suspecting it after discovering you had the power of the Jaw Titan…and then after you disappeared with the Armored and the Colossal Titans. Your sacrifice saddened me and I mourned for you, but in the end I had the consolation that even this sacrifice was your very own choice and that you decided it with a clear head.
Marley had broken me for four years, giving me a mission I knew would end in the deaths of countless people. I think, thanks to your advice back then, I realized that my decision to defect from Marley was the right one. And so my plan, at least its first part, started taking a solid form.
It was time for me to be tough and stand my ground.
"What plan, though? And which part? You said this plan was already in motion when you arrived in Paradis and that Historia and Ymir helped you detailing it more carefully. But how did you know how you would proceed? How did you manage to leave some open room for changes and adaptations?"
Still, the end of the letter brings a small smile on Jean's face, despite the rage at how Marley breaks the Eldian children who enlist at the military. But damn, Sasha was tough even as a cadet and he had recognized it even when they bickered all the time and he considered her nothing more than a glutton and a fool. And right now, even with the anger and the confusion, he can't help but feel actually proud at Sasha's decision to stand her ground and stay loyal to her decision to betray Marley, although her plan still was under formation.
He recalls his previous thoughts, that everything is so fragile in the regiment this period of time and that there are suspicions about people acting behind their backs and leaking the information about Eren's imprisonment to the island's residents.
If that is true and some of his comrades willingly go against the Survey Corps…is he really in a position to judge Sasha for keeping everything a secret, when, apparently, her only betrayal was against the nation they're at war with?
A/N: Soo, my friends, another chapter has come to an end, hope you liked it :D Someone is slowly changing his mind about Sasha being a traitor to the group, tehehehe ;) Next chapter will be posted next Sunday as an early Christmas gift :)
