Dear Uchiha Sasuke,

Well, it can't be helped. You've probably already heard Orochimaru bitching about my first letter to him, maybe even the second, he's an asshole after all. Just another one of those jerks who loooves to hear himself talk, even when he's whining.

So I doubt that this letter comes as any great surprise to you, so I won't go into great detail other than to say this is an apology letter for my 12 step program to deal with my anger.

1. I know you and Orochimaru are 'special' friends now and I apologize for talking badly about him. All the time.

2. I apologize for all the times I WILL continue to talk bad about Orochimaru. Does an apology still count if you have no intention of stopping the actions you are currently apologizing for? See, only a couple of lines into this letter and I already have a headache. Not a good sign.

o.o.o.o.o

11. I apologize for my part in Orochimaru's plan to capture you. But dude, if you wanted to 'be with' the snake guy, you really put me through a lot of trouble fighting like that.

12. I apologize for being rude to you and your entire team when we first met. Blanket apology, I know, but I can't remember everything I said. I've always been rude, that apology letter would be MILES long.

o.o.o.o.o

27. I apologize for everyone I killed while in your village that you liked. From what I could see though, you didn't like much of anyone, so this one is moot.

28. I apologize for being the reason you were late to the final round. Petty of me, but effective showmanship. Actually it was Temari's idea, but I'm not apologizing for her, just my part in it all.

29. I apologize for clogging up your volumizing mousse with sand, making you have to make an emergency run to the store. Again, I reiterate, this was my sister's stupid idea. I don't use mousse and never would have thought of it in the first place.

30. I'm sorry that I listened to Temari. Actually, I really am sorry for this one. She gets on my nerves sometimes, doesn't she get on yours? Bah. Sisters. Though Kankuro's not much better, he whines more.

31. Oh fuck. I'm sorry about whining about family given your past history. Baki made us research you since you were our target. I forgot about your family dude. Want my siblings? They're free.

32. I'm sorry about offering you my siblings, they'd only cause you more trouble than they're worth. Unless you want them, then we'll talk.

o.o.o.o.o

45. I'm sorry about taking your teammate hostage. You know, the chick with the pink hair. She's annoying too, but kinda pretty. You wouldn't want to swap would you? Her for Temari? That I could live with.

46. I'm not going to apologize for my sibling's fights with you, that's their own business. I am apologizing for my personal animosity towards you though.

47. I apologize for hating you and wanting to kill you. My orders were to capture you, as I'm sure Orochimaru told you already. The rat bastard.

48. I'm sorry for calling your 'friend' a rat bastard. But dude, they say love his blind, yet you have those fantastic eyes. Can't you see him for what he is?

49. I'm sorry. I'm just having difficulties picturing you two in a long term relationship. You'd have been better off staying at the Leaf village. Lee's a nice guy, you should give him a call. Or that long-haired guy, the one with the freaky white eyes. Freaky eyes or not, he's still better than a guy with a snake for a tongue. Unless you're into that.

50. I'm sorry for throwing up at the thought of Orochimaru in a sexual way. But that's not just me being mean, that was a purely physical response I had no control over. So maybe I shouldn't apologize for this one.

o.o.o.o.o

81. I'm sorry that I WAS sorry that Naruto kept me from killing both you and your teammate.

82. I'm sorry for utterly humiliating you in front of both of your teammates. Pink-haired girl was unconscious for most of it, so this is really only half an apology item.

83. I'm sorry that I overestimated you and underestimated Naruto. That doesn't sound right does it? I suppose this one should have been in Naruto's letter, but it's too late now.

84. I apologize for writing Naruto first, but I couldn't find your address. I know what a competitive duo you are.

85. I guess that's it. Except for another blanket apology for anything else I did or said about you that I don't remember.

Now for making amends. I know I offered you my siblings, but I just can't do it. Kankuro's not gay and would have a heart attack if I sent him to you and Orochimaru. Besides, that mental image of the three of you made me throw up again. Oh, and I didn't want to put Killer through all that. He's just a puppy and the snakes would probably eat him. So, you can't have Kankuro.

And I can't offer you my sister either, not for amends. But a straight up swap for one of the Leaf girls? That I could handle. Except for TenTen, I remember her name now because she sent me a really rude letter back. I don't want her. The pretty blond or the curvy purple-haired one would be best.

So, back to the subject of amends. How about a nice case of rabbits for your pet snakes? Or a gift certificate to a leather fetish store? I'm sure Orochimaru would like that one.

Sincerely, Gaara of the Sand

o.o.o.o.o

"Oi Gaara." Temari walked in carrying a scroll letter. She wasn't touching it though, instead using tongs to carry it to him.

"What's with the tongs?" He asked, eyeing the scroll letter cautiously.

Temari shrugged. "The messenger was wearing gloves and carrying it like this, so I thought better to err on the side of caution."

Gaara sighed. "Probably another angry response. Doesn't anyone understand the fine art of apology any more?"

Temari frowned and set the scroll on a nearby table. Then turned to look at what Gaara had been up to this afternoon. "Who's this letter for? Can I read it?"

"NO!" Gaara rolled it up quickly. If Temari read the parts about her she'd demand a second apology letter, and his hand was already aching as it was.

"Sheesh, fine." She turned back to stare at the recently delivered scroll. "Think we should even bother opening it? Could be a trap."

Gaara looked at it too. "Well, it's addressed to me. You open it."

Temari jerked up to stare down at her little brother. "Why me?"

"It's addressed to me, probably won't do anything to you now would it?"

"Dunno. And that's the point." She scowled at him menacingly. Gaara frowned and hoped that Susuke would want to trade for her.

"You like snakes, right Temari?"

His sister raised one brow. "Ok. I have no idea what intellectual leap you just made, but focus. Possible trap. What now?"

Gaara shrugged. "Make Kankuro open it."

Temari thought about it and nodded. "Good idea."

o.o.o.o.o

Later, Kankuro walked in to see Temari and Gaara sitting on the other side of the room. "Ossu, what's up?"

"Nothing." Was Temari's bored response.

"But you called for me."

"We did?" Gaara scratched his head. "Don't recall."

"Okay, fine. Then if you don't need me, I've got some things to …"

"Before you go, would you hand me that scroll?" Gaara asked, pointing to one sitting on a low table.

Kankuro bent down and picked it up. Temari and Gaara held their breath, but nothing happened.

"Well shit." Gaara said. "That was anticlimactic."

Kankuro paused motionless, alarm making his eyes widen. "What did you do?"

"Nothing, just give it here." Gaara told him, disgust in his voice.

"No. Open it from over there." Temari said. "It's not hurting you, must be triggered by Gaara."

Kankuro's eyes got even bigger, looking down with unease at the scroll he was holding. "You bitch, you let me pick this up not knowing if it was a trap?"

She nodded sheepishly, unable to meet his eyes.

"No. You do it." He tossed the scroll toward Temari, who ducked and ran to the other side of the room. Gaara threw up a shield of sand.

But again, nothing happened. The scroll rolled to a stop as they all blinked, staring.

"Again with the anticlimactic." Gaara said. Then he used his sand to break the seal on the scroll while he stayed safely away.

"You should have done that in the first place, not made me pick it up!" Kankuro groused.

"Not as much fun." Gaara said as they all watched to see if anything would happen.

The scroll rolled open with a small hiss of escaping smoke. There was no writing, the sheet was blank. But the smoke was forming into a message.

"What does blood feud mean?" Asked Gaara as he scratched his head.

"Probably means they want your blood." Temari shrugged.

"Why?" Gaara whined.

"It seems they didn't appreciate your letter." Kankuro blinked at the harsh words floating above them. "And I think that smoke they're using is poisonous."

Gaara peered at the signature with distaste. "Who the fuck is that anyway? I never wrote him."

Temari shrugged. "Probably one of the Konoha's girls' fathers or some such. You did say you wrote a single letter covering each of them, right? Well this old dude probably read your letter and got all huffy. I doubt his daughter even got a chance to read it, much less respond."

Gaara stood up and narrowed his eyes. "Some people just don't get it. How am I supposed to overcome my issues with anger if they KEEP MAKING ME ANGRY?"

Kankuro and Temari took three big steps backwards in caution.

Particles swirled around Gaara's feet as he sent tendrils of sand to open the window, dissipating the poisonous smoke.

He coldly watched as Hyuuga Hiashi's name floated away on the breeze.

Then he blinked and the tension floated away too as he smiled. "Wait. If he was the one to declare a 'blood feud', that means I can draw his blood and not have to apologize for it, right?"

Kankuro and Temari glanced at each other and nodded. "Well, since technically he started it, sure."

Gaara smiled darkly. "Good."