DISCLAIMER: …No.

Hacker not yours. No touchy.


9. The Date-Wrecking Game, Round 1

Smoker was standing outside the abandoned *dun, dun, duuuuuun* theatre, looking up at the night sky with a gloomy look. There were clouds, as usual, and there was thunder, as usual. Could this get any more clichéd on the creepy metre? Trying not to think about it, Smoker pulled out a cigarette from his pocket with his tongue. He stuck the cigarette in his mouth and lifted the lighter up to it.

Click! …Click, click, click!

"Light it already," Smoker muttered half-heartedly to the lighter after a few tries. It finally sparked in flame and he put it to the cigarette.

And then the rain came pouring down, putting both the lighter and cigarette out with a fizz. Not amused, mainly because it was his last cig, the long-tongued zombie reluctantly stepped into the theatre.

The good news was that Smoker hid a stash of cigs and lighters in one of the dressing rooms, meaning he could smoke as much as he wanted in there. The bad news was that a bunch of commons hung around in here, going up on stage and 'singing' and 'dancing' and all sorts of performing garbage. Seriously, it was garbage because they sounded like they were dying… again.

He opened the first dressing room backstage with his tongue and stepped inside. He paused. Hunter was sitting at the dressing table (or to be technical, he was sitting on it), and from what it looked like, he was primping himself up for something. After all, he was actually flossing his teeth for once. Hunter looked in Smoker's direction and froze. Quickly, he shoved whatever was on the table next to him and grinned at Smoker.

"H-he-hey, Smoker! W-what's up, what're ya doin' here?"

"Looking for something to smoke. You?" Smoker walked over to the dressing table and reached out a hand to open the draw Hunter was trying to hide. The hooded one grabbed his friend's wrist in panic, but didn't account for his tongue to reach behind and open the draw. Hunter screeched, grabbed whatever he had stuffed in there before and jumped away, hiding said object behind his back.

"Nothing! Just, y'know, hanging around and stuff." He looked over to the clock on the wall. "Oh gee, would you look at the time, I've gotta do, places to go, people to kill, stuff like that BYE!" Before Smoker could get a word out Hunter pounced out through the doorway. He accidently dropped what he was holding, picked it back up and fled, but he wasn't fast enough to prevent Smoker from seeing the box with a ribbon.

"…What's up with him?" Smoker muttered to himself, taking a cigarette from his stash and lighting it.

"He's got a date." He turned around and actually started coughing from his own smoke in surprise, as Hacker had just popped up from nowhere.

"Geez, *cough* would you stop *cough* appearing like that? *cough, cough*"

"Hey, I can respawn anywhere I want, it's a free apocalypse." Hacker walked over to the dressing table, turned around and hopped up to sit on it, her feet just a couple of inches from the ground. "…Hey, Smokey, how tall do you think this thing is?"

"Wait *cough*, go back to what you said before," he answered, recovering from his coughing attack. He took another breath from his cigarette and glared at Hacker through his good eye. "And don't call me Smokey."

"Fine," Hacker huffed, kicking her legs back and forth. "Anyway, Hunter's got a date tonight. Why anyone would wanna date him, I don't know, I mean he has that hoodie and the whole 'pouncing on prey' thing's been earning him a bad rep 'cause people say he's really just - "

"And what're you doing here?" Smoker interrupted. He knew Hacker fairly well by now, so why wasn't she going off to try and ruin Hunter's date?

"Could you help me with a couple of things to sabotage the date? I would do it by myself, but I'm lacking a key tool here." She held up her stubby arms. "Most people need hands, y'know, and gum just won't cut it anymore."

"Hacker, ruining Hunter's date is wrong and you know it," Smoker pointed out. Hacker grinned.

"I know, but I'm doing it anyway. C'mon, don't you wanna see the look on his face when his date goes up in flames?"

"I'm in."


"*sob, sob*"

"...Guys, Witch!"

"Shhh! Do you wanna startle her?"

"No… but I really need that cr0wn achievement."

"Fine, but make it quick. Aim careful."

BANG!

"Grrr… rrraaaaargh!"

"Sh**, I missed!"

"Shoot her, shoot - !"

! Random Survivor startled the Witch!

Hunter jumped from one building to the next, heading towards the screams and the yells of agony. He couldn't help but grin in amusement. Losers, they always shot from a distance. He reached the place where he and Witch agreed to meet and pounced down into the alley, landing on top of a severed leg. Hunter picked it up and tossed it into a garbage can, snickering a little.

"So, how was your day?" he asked, looking over at Witch. She had just finished stabbing the other survivor with her claws when she looked over at him.

"The usual, cried a little, kicked ass, cried a little. You?" She walked over to him, sniffling as she started to calm down.

"Oh, n-nothing much." Hunter was shaking, suddenly nervous as hell. In a panic, he just held out the present he was holding for her. "!" he said all at once.

Witch cautiously took it in her claws, slightly curious and slightly freaked out. She quickly cut the ribbon and opened the box, and then her eyes widened. Inside was a small, silver chain that could fit around her wrist, and there was a small charm with the letter 'W' glittering in the small amount of light.

"I thought… I thought y-you might like it… I just saw the chain on a corpse and found the charm thing lying around and, well… h-hey, are you okay?" Hunter asked when Witch's eyes were starting to water up. She grabbed onto Hunter's shirt and started sobbing into his shoulder, leaving her hooded date stunned.

"That's *sob* the nicest thing *sob* anyone has ever done for meeee!" she wailed, soaking Hunter's shirt with her tears. Hunter looked around quickly, resorting to just patting Witch on the shoulder awkwardly.

"Uh… there, there… it's all gonna be okay," he said, trying to reassure her when she started to wail even louder.


"You have got to be kidding me." Smoker and Hacker watched the scene from the roof of an office building, up to the point where Witch was drenching Hunter's hoodie with her tears. Smoker looked at his sticky friend with a look of disbelief. "He's on a date with the Witch?"

"Yep."

"And he didn't get shredded to pieces when he asked her out?"

"Nah, but those survivors managed to AK-47 the crap outta him."

"…What survivors?"

"It's a long story filled with a bunch of lovey dovey 'sacrifice myself for the one I heart' crap. Now, are you still gonna help me out here or what?"

Smoker glared at her through the smoke from his cigarette. "You do realise Witch will kill us, right?"

"The point is to make Hunter look bad and ruin his date. Witch never has to know anything other than Hunter's bad luck. I repeat, are you still in this thing?" Hacker asked, looking up at him questioningly. Smoker sighed and picked up the garbage bag filled with various items for their plan.

"Let's do this."


Round 1: Beeping Explosives

"*Sniff* S-sorry, Hunter," Witch said as they were rounding a corner, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. Hunter (while still wearing it) was wringing out the right side of his hoodie as he walked next to her.

"It's no problem, really. Besides, I learned that duct tape is sorta water resistant," Hunter joked, hoping to make her smile a little. He saw her lip twitch a little, but he couldn't tell if she was holding back a smile or another sob. "So… whaddya wanna do?"

"I *sniff* don't know."

And then came the awkward silence. Hunter was about to suggest something when a strange noise pierced the silence. It was a beeping noise, getting closer, louder and faster. Both of the infected turned in the direction of the noise just as something white and cylinder-like landed at their feet. And it was being followed closely by a crowd of enraged commons.

"RUN FOR IT!" Hunter screeched, grabbing Witch, swinging her onto his back and pouncing up into the air. He grabbed the side of the building just as the pipe bomb exploded, sending blood and body parts flying everywhere.

"OHOMYGODTHATWASAWESOME!" one bodyless head screamed as it flew past the two. "Let's do it agaaaaaaiiiiiii…"

"…"

"…"

"…What the hell was that?" Witch asked, managing a sniffle through her surprise. Hunter opened his mouth to answer when another beeping noise sounded. A pipe bomb landed on the window sill next to them, and then one landed on the window above. "…If you don't move now, I'll kill you myself."

Hearing the anger in her voice, Hunter began to pounce from building to building, trying to avoid the shower of pipe bombs and the odd horde. "Where are these things coming from?"


Hacker watched the chaos as Smoker kept throwing the pipe bombs towards the dating infected, a smile on his face. "Perfect. All we have to do is keep this up until Witch gets pissed enough to take it out on Hunter. Then our work here is done."

"What's this 'we' stuff you're talking about? I'm the one throwing these things," Smoker pointed out, a pipe bomb in his hand. Hacker turned around and started to puff up.

"I'm the one who thought of it!"

"Well I'm hoping you have a back-up plan."

"Of course. Why?"

"Don't you wonder how these things work?" Smoker held up a deactivated pipe bomb and shook it a little. It started beeping and he threw it away in panic.

"All I know is that you throw 'em and they start up. Or you do what you just did there," Hacker said, turning to look at the pair of fleeing infected.

"THERE'S ANOTHER ONE! DODGE IT, DODGE IT!"

"I'M TRYING, WOMAN!"

"You think we should take it easy on him?" Smoker asked, readying the next pipe bomb. Hacker turned around to reply but a sudden voice made them jump.

"Hi guys!" Boomer, dressed in his ninja attire, popped up next to Smoker at a really bad time. The pipe bomb the latter had been holding fell from his grip and rolled along the floor until it stopped at Hacker's foot. "…Is that was I think it is?"

"Throw it, Hacker, throw it!" Smoker yelled. Hacker glared up at him.

"Hey, no hands, no throw," she growled. She looked down and felt herself pale more than she already was. The pipe bomb had landed at her left foot, now stuck to it. "…Oh, sh-"


BOOM!

Hunter stopped jumping around like crazy when the pipe bombs suddenly stopped. He looked over in the direction of the sound and saw nothing but grey smoke (with a hint of green?).

"…Okay, I think we're safe." When there was no reply, Hunter looked over his shoulder and noticed that Witch was shaking. "H-hey, you okay?"

"…Yeah… f-fine… c-could we j-just get down now?" Witch, burying her face in Hunter's back, poked a finger at the street several feet below. When he couldn't get a clue, Witch had to struggle not to burst into a fit of rage or burst into a fountain of tears. "…High… t-too high…"

"…Oh right! Sorry!" Hunter said, pouncing down to the ground and landing neatly on his feet.


"…Witch is *cough*… afraid of *cough*… heights?" Smoker managed to get out, hanging over the edge of the building with his tongue hanging all the way to the ground. Hacker was grinding her gummy teeth from her lying position on the roof.

"Apparently," she said through a muffled mouth of gum.

"…Why is Hunter giving the Witch a piggyback?" Boomer's top half asked, crawling towards his legs. "Are they friends now?"

Hacker growled again and, with some of her remaining strength, kicked him so he rolled off the roof with a yell.

"…*cough*. You're… fixing him this time *cough*… y'know, *cough*… hands or no hands."

"…Shut up."


"That was bullsh**! Total bullsh**! We got blown up and made Hunter look good!" Hacker growled, pacing (or, considering her foot of stickiness, was trying to) back and forth in front of Smoker and Boomer, one smoking, the other checking his duct tape was secure. "Stupid Hunter and his pouncing and his saving their asses! How would he like it if my brother pouced him?"

"Wow, I haven't seen you this uptight since… well, ever, really."

"Can it, Smokey!"

"I thought I told you not to call me Smokey?"

"Um, why am I here?" Boomer asked, munching on a bag of chips, completely unaware of how angry Hacker looked.

"Why else? You're the reason we got blown up!" Hacker shrieked, stomping her free foot. "You owe us, you blob!"

"That was just mean," Boomer mumbled, tearing up. Hacker ignored him and looked at the bulky bag of stuff she had to ruin Hunter's date.

"Time for phase two."

"…Don't you mean Plan B?"

"Whatever."


Stay tuned for round two!

Later Days!

Smoker: *cough*