Chapter IX: Cursed by Truth

As promised I lay to rest for the rest of the day in ojisan's bedchamber. For all of the luxurious and extravagant existence of my great grandfather I would have come to assume that he would have been seen in that castle, at once, but sometimes I forget how truly powerful he is, his presence is something I am just aware of. I can only humor myself by blaming his charming personality for his continued occupancy of the castle. I have to admit though; he did secure the finest sleeping chambers for himself. The open fireplace crackled as its embers danced upon the charred, white logs which ojisan obtained by cutting wood straight from the forest that surrounded his castle. Shadows played off the marble fireplace and all around I could see evidence of the homey, lived in chamber room. I looked to the wall and remembered how amused and calmed I was by the vision of the playing shadows that belonged to the furniture and fire. Ojisan had tucked me in and made his way to the antechamber connected to the room. He would probably nap there with a book in hand since I had his bed.

I lay my head upon his pillows. I can recall from my muddled memories that the pillows always heavily scented of him. It was distinct of grandfather, something I could not compare to his surroundings. It was a masculine smell, but it was also very, something I can only describe as: paternal. Grandfather was much different than my father in the sense that he knew how to comfort. Of course my father held his instincts to tend to me. He would cradle me when I was hurt and gave me a sense of security, but honestly speaking security and comfort are wholly different feelings. I felt secure in the fact that he would not allow harm to come to me in my weakened states when they would come, but I felt no comfort for the fact that I had been weak. It would always feel that he would silently scold me with his disappointed glances. Ojisan brought me a sense of comfort, a sense that it was okay for me to let down my guard. It would not be a feeling I would again feel until I met Tsukune. Here at ojisan's castle I could sleep a restful sleep without fear of the possibility that one of my family members, or even a few servants I felt paranoid toward, would come for me in my sleep.

I did not often dream. Dreams are for those who look forward to tomorrow. I always worried what would come with tomorrow, and if I would be able to survive in that day. It was something the powerful always feared, always suffered. Power always has its consequences, even if you do not use it against others, it will simply eat away at your existence. I often had nightmares. There are many pathways given to suffer nightmares: stress, trauma, fever. I was sure that than I had not suffered a fever, nor was it particularly stressful as I could not grasp the concept at that age. Children often suffered frustration which was merely a passing emotion. I more than likely suffered the remaining: trauma. I only remember because that haunting sight carried with me and eventually manifested into a driving force that will one day propel me into a destiny that was seemingly constructed by the chains of my family. This would be the first time I came upon these horrifying images in my sleep, and it would not be the last, and would continue until my sealing. It was a very distinct feeling. I was surrounded by a drowning sensation.

I felt like I was being torn apart from the inside out by a burning sensation of electrocution. I could hear the horrid cry of screaming and the sound of someone being torn apart. I could hear as flesh was ripped apart, it sounded like tape being pulled off a cardboard package. Each time I would look up into the blood red eyes of that monster. Blood dropped down its face and soaked its clothes. It was laughing at me. Always it would laugh at me, at my weakness and at my inability to protect those I loved. I had woken up screaming, and it would not be the last time my body was forced awake, and left indebted by my restlessness.

Ojisan had rushed back into the bedroom and came upon my trashing form. I was sure my youki was flaring from my tantrum and rabid need to fight away the images. It took a while for me to calm down. I had regained my senses and came to find that I lay in my great grandfather's cradling clutch. I was swayed into a relaxed state of being as I felt my body rocked by his stepping motions. I sleepily glanced up to him. We were walking down the barren castle halls. I could hear each of his footfalls in the lifeless dwelling. He did not hold the impassive look my father did when he carried you. Ojisan actually looked concerned for my well being. I did not need to tell him what I saw in my nightmare. I'm sure for everyone that held face to face experience with the beast their first time would feel terror. Terror: it is a word I would often be associated with, a strong word that left deep a scarring in my heart. Ojisan lost his son to the beast. My father lost his first love, and his identity. I will end up losing so much more to the beast, more than I could have imagined.

I would not come to the realization that those vivid nightmares were but a warning of what was to come. When I had been sealed, so had all much of my deep-seated negativity. They had come to the decision to seal me the day after I returned from ojisan's castle.

Yes it had only been a day I remember. We had stayed at great grandfather's house until aneue and Kahlua-nee returned to work and school, respectively. I still suffered from the night terrors and would adversely react. I did not know it than, but the first time I reacted I had bore several gashes into the walls of ojisan's walls with my youki alone. It only increased in ferocity from there. I had almost killed one of the servants in a fit of rage. I was about seven than, I can more or less recall. Kokoa and I sparred more frequently. It was the only way to keep my temper in check. I would easily become agitated and petty as time went on. Aneue could no longer bully me and Kahlua-nee had grown closer to Kokoa and did not bully her as much, though Kokoa still much preferred my company, as did I. Their mother had grown increasingly fearful of me, to the point where she forbade me to be present in certain areas of the manor at certain times. As I grew so did my knowledge of the way things worked in my home.

I had received a letter from mother responding to what I had asked her before I left to ojisan's. She apologized for being late writing, but her work had her busy with something imperative, but not that I was not more important than her work. I did not care either way at this point I don't think, but her words were comforting, even though I knew her work was far more important. That was something I understood as a child when it came to work and play: a parent would always choose work. I never wanted to be like that if I ever choose to have offspring. Her letter asked if I wanted to come live with her. I was hesitant about the idea of leaving everything. Maybe if I confronted father I would receive the answer I wanted, at least that's what I had thought, and I had been sorely right about that assumption. It also read that if I wanted to go I would have to have my power sealed. For many that would seem like a big decision to make. Sealing away my power and making myself vulnerable just to be allowed to exist outside of this darkness that I was currently trapped in? For me it seemed like a fair deal. Give up this power for a chance at a different sort of life. I went to his study, being careful this time, but apparently I had not yet stomped out my curiosity. I scented something, that same smell that made me feel… strange the last time it was in the air.

"Chichiu-e…?"

I called softly as I opened the door of his study. I will not repeat what I saw in that room, but it is something a child, of any race, should ever see. I stormed off as my name fell from my father's lips. Fight in his own home…he would… It did not seem to matter who or what, and he was a hypocrite when it came to kissing. I rushed to the playroom where Kokoa was sitting in the bay window with Koumori sitting on her head.

"Onee-sama?"

I did not respond and had gone straight to the weapon's wall and tossed Kokoa a small. I had decided right there. I had to push her away. I had to protect her from taking the same path I was.

I understood.

I was running away.

I wanted her to stay where she would be well taken care of. Her mother loved her, father treated her fairly well, but I would not be able to protect Kokoa if I continued the way I was. I was afraid my rage would hurt her. After sparring I returned o my room and responded to mother's letter.

"When you come get me, I will be ready."

Father dared not bring up the subject of me barging into his study and witnessing what I did. Even he felt weary around me and my ever increasing … resentment. It is a proper word for what I felt toward him at that point in my life. I had to tell Kokoa soon, but I would give her one last lesson as her big sister. I had to make sure she was a strong enough person, that she would follow her dreams and her will. She was always a stubborn, clingy girl, and I would be sure she stayed that way and not become what my father, or what her mother, was.

I had received a response from mother several weeks later. She said a car would arrive in a week's time to pick me up and take me to her place of stay. I often wondered if she truly lived in the human world, though it seemed to be a place youkai loathed to go for whatever reasons they held. Later I came to understand that they held legitimate reasons of hatred toward humans. I would not share that hate, but I would be lying if I said I trusted them.

That day I had sparred harshly with Kokoa. It would be last day I would see her, perhaps forever. I felt like such a coward for running, but I was sure had I stayed she would have come to harm with my weak self. I would not be doomed to commit my father's mistakes. How foolishly I believed that would be the case…how foolish…

I struck Kokoa down with another well placed kick.

"I've grown tired of your clingy behavior Kokoa. It is useless. No matter how many times you try, I will win."

She was getting stronger and held quite a presence on the battlefield. I was impressed with her growth of skill, but I had my mind set on leaving and my heart set on making sure she would be left with a way to physically and emotionally protect herself.

"I won't give up!"

Kokoa exclaimed as she pushed herself to her knees, her weapon discarded in the marble floor which was wrought with the badges of our rough training, which has long since shifted from the innocent play of children. Koumori did not often get used during these matches because he was not strong enough to hold weapon form against me. I looked down as my sister fought back the tears brought on by my cruel, dismissive words. She was used to my callous personality. She was never deterred and always held an innocent determination in her eyes. She always admired me, no matter how cruel I acted toward her. Perhaps she knew it was but a mask I carried to protect myself from this house?

Kokoa wore no mask. She had great pride… in herself and her abilities. She held her race on a pedestal because she was raised in both ignorant bliss and the painful truth of her eyes. She was like me in that sense; she was not blind to what was right in front of her. She looked up to me with her large emerald eyes.

"Not until I can win…"

She swore as she looked to me with resolve. It did touch me, and only caused me more pain by what I would tell her next.

"It's too bad…"

I mused as I turned my back to her so she could not see the visible cracks in my weak, porcelain mask.

"Soon I will be leaving this house to find out if mother truly lives in the human world studying."

I could feel a lump caught in my throat as I fought away these feelings that I would soon, no longer need. I had to throw them away. If I did not I would not be able to protect her, or survive in the world.

"She is trained to seal youki."

I turned to face Kokoa. Her tiny face was framed by her dark bangs which clung to her sweat soaked face. I could see as she fought to understand my words. She struggled to find dishonesty in my statements.

"Consider today's fight the last one."

I turned away and crossed my arms over my chest. I'm sure she had broke through my façade.

"Don't make jokes like that… What is thi-"

She ended up screaming at me.

"Sneaky! You're just quitting while you're ahead?! Then who am I supposed to fight with from now on?!"

She knew I was running away, but I was sure she did not know from what exactly, because neither did I. Her accusations only made this cut deeper. I would essentially be leaving her alone when we only had each other to begin with.

I had come to the realization I was not trying to protect Kokoa. I was trying to protect myself. I felt so…wrong. I felt like I was turning on myself, but that's when ojisan's acknowledgement had become clear. As vampires, our sole duty is to survive. I knew if I stayed in that manor any longer I would not. Something told me, no something was yelling at me: leave. I did not know what to say to Kokoa, except what I felt to be sincere at the time.

"…Sorry."

She was right. I would not deny it. I was running away while I still could, but I had to survive.

It would only be several years later that I would come to realize why that nightmare was so profound.

As I sat here watching Tsukune beat Midou to death I could hear that snaking laughter. I was having trouble breathing as I felt the water drip off my bleeding skin I looked up as Kurumu shuddered in disbelief. It was the same as my nightmare. The blood soaked clothes, the laughter, the sounds of brutality. That nightmare was my inescapable reality. I could feel the fear in the air, and it would have been suffocating if not for the blood that already saturated my senses. They deserved to know what it was they were witnessing.

"Tsukune's weak body is now completely under control of the blood that injected into him…"

It made me sick to my stomach. Never before had I smelled so much blood. What was worse was that I was only sick to my stomach because I had indirectly caused all of it. The blood did not bother me… the carnage… I didn't flinch.

Never would I have realized, because by than I had been sealed and had lost…everything that made me, me. The day I left the manor was all a blur. Anything that came after was just darkness. It had been as if I had died and been trapped into limbo for all eternity. I wondered for a long time had if this had been my punishment for foolishly believing that I could change my fate by running away from it. The day I woke up from my death, had been the first time I met him. I would never forget that day, that feeling.

It was a comforting feeling that I had long since forgotten and lost to the painful truth of my reality.