'To the world you may be just one person
but to one person you may be the world.'

--Anonymous

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy: Chapter 9Loved and Lost

The one thing that was missing from this picture perfect moment…was Tidus.

'Please wake up soon…'

"You're late…" she said spitefully, her arms crossed over her chest to prove her defiance.

He could only smile sheepishly and shrug, secretly wondering how the hell she got into his apartment.

"Yeah, sorry. Practice ran a bit late."

He should have known such elementary items like locks and security systems couldn't keep her away.

"A bit late?" she repeated, before violently ripping the silver clock that hung on his wall off its hooks and tossing it to him. He caught it with ease of course, not bothering to glance at it as he placed it carefully on the dinning room table, knowing very well what time it was.

"Its 2 am!" she informed him anyway. "We were supposed to meet at 8! No way were you at practice for that long…"

"I said I was sorry! What else do you want?" he plopped himself down on the couch with a sigh, slamming his feet up on the table while searching in between the cracks of the cushions for the remote…anything to drown out the sounds of her voice.

"You are an asshole!" she screamed, descending the few steps from the landing the separated the living area from the bedroom "a real asshole ya know that? I don't know why or how I put up with you!"

"Aha!" he ignored the insult in exchange for triumph at having finally found the rectangular piece of plastic that could make all his problems disappear. With a contented grin, he leaned further back into the pillows and switched on his new giant plasma screen, wanting to review his previous game and perhaps figure out what he had done that led to such a horrible defeat.

But, before he even had a chance to switch the channel to the blitzball network, it was yanked out of his hands…he didn't even get out a sound of protest before the remote was thrown at the screen in such violent furry that it shattered the glass, completely destroying his new favorite toy in a shower of sparks and shards.

They both looked at each other then, both breathing heavily in either fear and/or anger. The tension was so thick one could cut it with a knife.

'She's insane!' he thought, while watching her begin to pace around the room and tug on her hair, seriously fearing for his life at the moment. 'She's officially nuts!'

"WHY WON'T YOU LISTEN TO ME!" she yelled abruptly at an obscene volume, tugging his head up to meet her gaze. But he could only stare in shock, his eyes glued to mangled frame that had once been his majestic TV. "You don't give a damn about me do you? I was sitting alone in that restaurant for over three fucking hours! This was supposed to be a special night for us!"

Tidus didn't even blink. He honestly couldn't even bring to mind the reason they were there in the first place. He felt like an actor having been so deep in a role that he, for a few moments, had become said character. But now, having snapped out of it, he felt nothing but confusion.

'I'm in Zanarkand…' he realized, unable to stop the smile that formed on his face, despite the unknown woman currently screaming at him. 'But what happened?...how did I get here?…Where's Yuna?...'

"Shuyin! Are you even listening?"

'Shuyin?...'

He stared her down then, equally pissed that if they were in such a deep relationship, how the hell couldn't she get his name right. "But I'm not…"

Then he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror poised above the fireplace behind her…and his mouth snapped shut.

He looked the same…yet different.

His jaw was more square, his eyes wider...his skin paler. He looked…older. Somewhere in his twenties at least. He could feel the familiar material of a blitzball uniform against his chest…but again, it was different. Red, yellow, blue and black…longer...slightly different boots.

'Number 5 Zanarkand Abes…' it read on his sleeve. At least that hadn't changed. He was still number five.

But his apartment. He scanned it and noted the changes. It was…dirty to say the least. Littered with pizza boxes, beer cans and dirty laundry.

Messy…his apartment had never been messy. Why? He had never questioned it.

His world had been beautiful always…his world he could only think of as heaven.

But this dump…this was life. This was disgusting.

This was real.

He met her tear filled eyes and could suddenly remember everything.

He remembered meeting her in the locker rooms before she went to perform the national anthem at one of his charity games…hiding out with her under a fallen beam when Bevelle's armies decided to spring yet another surprise attack in the middle of her half-time song.

Months passed. He could remember falling for her…telling her he loved her. Making love to her. Everything. …crying when she announced she was joining the Zanarkand army. A suicide mission. That's what this fight was about. That's why he lost the game.

He remembered.

"Lenne…" he whispered, tugging desperately on her sleeve…sheer purple tied with black silk which criss-crossed up her arm. Black lace skirt. Beige boots. Her favorite dress. She wore it only for performances…and tonight…to say goodbye.

"I'm so sorry I didn't show up…" he said honestly in a low and broken voice. "I just can't stand to be with you now, while knowing what's going to happen. It kills me." They had had this discussion over a thousand times.

"I know…" she replied, seating herself gracefully beside him, her long beaded earrings audibly clacking with the movement.

She understood. She always understood.

'I don't want you to die…" he choked out through a tight throat, bringing her urgently in his arms, and holding on for dear life. "For the love of god, please drop this mission.' He ran his hands through her long hair and gazed longingly into her dark brown eyes. Pleading. He remembered being desperate.

He felt her hair brushing his cheek. He could smell her perfume. And even though he considered himself a taken man, he couldn't help but be drawn to this girl. She was as real as his heartache…and she was sickeningly beautiful.

"Don't go…"

"I have to…"

"Stay with me…tonight…forever."

The girl named Lenne drew away hesitantly.

"Then we'll die anyway. Zanarkand will be crushed by Bevelle's new weapon. I'm needed. For my country. For peace. For you."

She leaned in and kissed him then. Passionately. Desperately. As if it was for the last time. In fact, it was the last time.

Their lips never parted as he gently lay her down. They had made love there, on the living room floor all night. It was a memory of perfection…of bliss.

But only a memory…

She had left at dawn without a word, while he was still asleep. It was an unfulfilling parting. He couldn't let it end like that. He didn't let it end like that.

'Only a memory…'

'Who's memory?...'

When he opened his eyes he was somewhere new. Lenne was standing in front of him on a white sand beach, the ocean stretching out behind her as far as the eye could see, her hair billowing in the light wind.

But no…not Lenne.

Her long straight hair was now short to her shoulders and slightly wavy. Her brown eyes were blue…no…one blue one green. Strange yet exotic. And yet her dress remained the same, black lace skirt and everything. The beach was Besaid. The girl was Yuna. The topic of discussion, however, was still the same. They reiterated the conversation.

"Don't go…"

"I have to…" she said "For Spira. For you."

'It's happening again…all over.'

"Why?"

"Because it is destiny." Yuna said.

'Fuck destiny!'

'Don't let it happen again.'

'You can change things this time.'

'Learn from your past Tidus.'

"I won't let you die" he said factually. Yuna only laughed.

"You have no choice, Shuyin."

Tidus clenched his fists. "That's not my name."

"It was…" a third voice said. A small boy, whose eyes were hidden by a purple hood decorated with symbols of Yevon, had appeared beside them. The almighty Bahamut. Yuna didn't seem to notice, her eyes were fixed on his.

"Tidus…" she whispered. Her hair and eyes began to morph again, as did her long beaded earrings. Brown eyes, long hair. Characteristics of the singer/summoner Lenne.

"Hello Tidus…" she said, her tone having changed from the timid Yuna's whisper, to the bold songstress' alto. Her greeting sounded strange in his ears with that melodic voice of hers.

"That…That's not my name" he repeated.

"Pick one already." Bahamut teased, snickering childishly behind his hand.

"Yuna."

"What? That's not my name." She sounded angry, taking a decisive step forward. "What's my name Shuyin?"

"Lenne…?" he couldn't see well anymore. The girl in the purple dress kept coming in and out of focus, her hair varying from long to short, her eyes rotating colors in a dizzying kaleidoscope and her earrings kept flickering in and out of existence. "Yuna…?" he tried again. The woman shook her head.

He no longer had any idea. There was no distinction between what was real and what was imaginary…he couldn't even tell if there was indeed a difference.

The one thing he was sure of was that somehow he had failed them both. They were both dead. And, to prove his point, the purple clad figure suddenly staggered back as it she had been hit, clutching her heart in apparent agony.

"NO!" Tidus rushed to her side as blood began to pour out between her fingers. Their surroundings changed again. Now they were in a large, dark room where symbols of Yevon shone brightly on the walls. Bevelle soldiers stood above them, glaring down menacingly with their bayonet rifles still smoking from recent usage.

"You killed her!" he screamed at the guards. But they were frozen, unable to respond.

"No," the little boy said, having appeared on scene "it was you who killed her…" he corrected. "Remember?"

Though his first reaction was to be shocked and angry, somewhere, somehow, he knew Bahamut was telling the truth. Though the details were locked deep in the back of his mind…he knew.

"I killed her…" he agreed with an understanding nod, as he stood up and decided to simply watch the pool of blood engulf the girl's twitching figure, drenching the dress he had loved so much. She died without making a sound. "I was a fool…I remember…I killed her…"

"Don't let it happen again." Bahamut warned.

"I don't understand what I'm supposed to do."

"You will…I will visit again…We have much to discuss."

"I'm dreaming…" Tidus realized with a stupid grin. "That's why nothing makes sense…"

"I don't believe in dreams." Bahamut said in all seriousness. "I believe in shadows and omens of what is, once was, or will be, real."

"Then what is this supposed to mean?" He gestured to the still corpse wearing the purple dress who, even in death, was indistinguishable as either woman. "Is this an omen of the past…or the future?"

"Both. You shall see…"

'Tidus?'

Tidus cringed. "What the hell does that mean? Who's Lenne?"

'Tidus?…geez you're a pain.'

"You don't remember the love of your life?" Bahamut asked, in mock surprise.

"Yuna is the love of my life!" he shouted angrily, all the while desperately trying to censor the images of that night with Lenne from his mind. "She's the one. The only one! I would never…" he trailed off. What was the point in defending what they both already knew he was guilty off: he had loved before.

Bahamut smiled and began to dissolve. "They're waiting for you."

"Wait!...What's going to happen to Yuna?"

'I should get paid for dealing with this.'

"You can see the future…I know you can!"

'Desperate times call for desperate measures'

"TELL ME!" his shouting seemed to unfreeze the armed soldiers and, without a moment's hesitation, they raised their riffles once more and shifted targets.

They were aiming at him.

He barely had time to gasp and raise his arms as a meager form of defense before he felt the sting of the bullets rip through his torso.

It hurt. He may have screamed. The pain was all too familiar…

He fell to the floor, parallel to the purple dressed woman. She opened her eyes.

One green, one blue…Yuna, suddenly dressed in her regular summoner's garments. Still alive…barely. She was crying.

"I'm…so sorry…" he told her, before darkness engulfed him.

'Time to wake up…'

Somewhere in the depths of silence…a piano was playing.


BBBBBLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUGGGGGGG….

Tidus immediately jumped out of his skin, backing away from a tangle of sheets in such haste that he bounded right off the edge of the bed. He leaned against the fabric wall of the tent, breathing heavily with a hand clutched to his chest to prevent it from leaping out of his rib cage.

"Heh…whaddya know? It worked!"

"What the…" it took him a few moments, but soon Tidus had retained enough of his senses to recognize the hotel room he was in, and upon peeking over the edge of the bed, saw Lulu smirking proudly, brandishing a portable fog horn in her right hand like a pistol.

"Leisha lent it to me" she explained without bothering for him to ask. She placed to horn on the bedside table before gracefully planting herself on the bed in front of him. "It's meant to signal airships that are traveling in the dark toward the Inn for deliveries. It was our last resort to finally wake you up."

Her tone was light and friendly, which was more than a little eerie considering this was Lulu talking to him. Leave it to her to find to most creative ways in which to torture him under the guise of helping.

He didn't dare blink, but only stared at her wide-eyed with apprehension, running hastily through the list of potential lines he could use to excuse whatever actions she had caught him in. Last thing he could remember was that he had been with Yuna…doing things that were surely not on the list of proper behavior between guardian and summoner.

Had Lulu walked in on them without him noticing and promptly rendered him unconscious it the heat of the moment of discovery? It made sense…

And if that were the case, he could only imagine what she planned to do to him now that he was awake and could be fully aware of pain.

What had she seen?

How much did she know?

Where was Yuna?

"I'm…sorry?" he tried, involuntarily flinching to ward off the expected attack as she raised her arm and leaned towards him.

But instead of a spell, a slap, or even a pinch…Lulu only placed a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it gently.

"It's okay…" she said softly, giving him a firm pat. He winced every time her hand landed. "I completely understand considering how long it's been. You obviously needed it."

Tidus averted his gaze and blushed madly, shocked at how she so directly sprung into the conversation. Was she forgiving for real?...or just trying to lure him into a false sense of security before she snapped?

"That's not what this was about." he explained. If they did indeed have to talk about this, awkward as it was, she needed to know at least that Yuna wasn't a simple outlet to vent frustration. "It's not like I asked for it or anything…it just happened!" he added hastily, growing more and more uncomfortable with every word. "Completely random I swe…"

"You don't need to excuse yourself Tidus" she interjected with a smile, kneeling down to his level. "Yuna was smart to make you relax…you've been too wound up lately. We all see it. I've been actually suggesting for a while that she finally take action."

'WHAT?'

His ears were still ringing painfully from the noise…so he definitely must have heard wrong. "I'm sorry," he shook his in an attempt to un-mangle his ear drums, chuckling slightly at his misinterpretation. "Can you repeat that?"

"Well…we've all been worried about you recently" she admitted with hesitation, reluctant to confess that she had grown to care for him almost as much as the rest of the party…almost being the key word.

"I've noticed you haven't been getting much rest recently, despite all efforts…you've been pushing yourself so hard this past week, and I'm afraid I haven't been much help in easing your anxiety…" she trailed off then and sighed, nervously fidgeting her hands. Tidus mirror her feelings of wanting to get this conversation over with as soon as possible. No matter how sorry she felt, or how badly she regretted torturing him for the majority of the journey…he seriously doubted she would ever forgive him for his actions, and she was most likely, silently trying to contain the urge to kill.

Better not to tempt it further.

"I'm fine Lulu. Really." He stood up awkwardly and tried to shuffle his way around the bed while remaining at least 3 feet away at all times. "And it has nothing to do with what Yuna just did…" he added lamely.

"She's an excellent friend…" Lulu couldn't help but continue, swiveling around to follow his hasty retreat. "She's been very good…to all of us."

Tidus winced at Lulu's insinuation that she treated all her guardians as she had treated him.

'I doubt she's been as good to all of you…'

He surely hoped not.

"She'll do anything to make our lives easier, already feeling as though she has burdened us with her pilgrimage. She shouldn't have to worry about you on top of everything."

"It was nothing…what she did." He insisted, trying to dumb down the serious effect of her actions, hoping to throw Lulu off the track of his true future intentions.

"You have to take care of yourself better!" she said more firmly, causing Tidus to squat in preparation to leap out of the way of an oncoming flare spell. "Yuna can't waste her strength casting sleep spells on you every night to ensure you finally get some rest!"

'…huh?'

"Sleep spells…?" Tidus paused, eyeing Lulu suspiciously. "What about sleep spells?"

"Oh…I suppose she didn't tell you?" the mage headed toward the corner of the room to seat herself more comfortably in the chair. "You were clearly running on your last reserve of adrenaline energy." She explained, picking her nails in a bored manner. "I suggested Yuna cast sleep on you to make you finally get some rest. At least, that's what she told me happened…" she raised a questioning eyebrow. "Isn't it?"

At this point, anything was better than the truth. Tidus had momentarily forgotten Yuna's strange new ability to come up with instant, thorough excuses for everything suspicious that went on concerning their relationship. Of course, Lulu would have demanded an explanation for her prolonged retrieval and for Tidus' absence. And, of course, Yuna would have given the most plausible answer.

"She…she must have hit me by surprise." Tidus stuttered with an awkward grin, going along with the lie. "She did keep insisting on my taking a nap…but I was too caught up in organizing the party too…" he paused, his eyes suddenly wide with fear.

'The party…'

"What time is it?"

"About 2 in the morning…"

"TWO IN THE MORNING!" he repeated in shock.

The fireworks display!

He promptly leapt over the bed and ran toward the door of the tent, with a sudden desperate need to make sure things ran smoothly. Had it worked? Had she seen it? Was the Inn on fire?…He was half way out the door before he paused, noticing something important and ran back to the bed, hastily yanking a sheet free and wrapping it around himself.

Lulu was obviously trying her hardest not to laugh from her position in the darkened corner.

Tidus didn't find it quite as funny.

"Where…ahem…Where are my clothes?" he asked while taking a deep breath, trying equally hard not to die of embarrassment and keep his voice steady. Overly engulfed in terror while discussing his misunderstood 'indiscretions' with Yuna, Tidus hadn't bothered to notice that at some point during his nap, someone had stripped him of his uniform, leaving him in only his small under-shorts…not necessarily the best outfit to prance around the Inn with. And the prime suspect was, of course, the only other person in the room.

"Where are my clothes?" he repeated, his eyes stabbing daggers at his chuckling fellow guardian.

"I..I honestly haven't a clue…" she said breathlessly. The trembling of her shoulders while stifling her giggling prompted him to think otherwise.

"Seriously Lulu…" Tidus insisted, trying to look sterner by rearranging his sheet into a toga, making her finally burst out laughing. "Stop being immature! I need to get out of here!"

"And I'm saying," she breathed through the giggles "that I really have no idea. Leisha came in here a few minutes ago to turn down the beds and found you. She then decided it was best to inform me and so here I am! Nothing more, nothing less."

"Sooo…you're saying the receptionist took my uniform?" he cocked an eyebrow in disbelief to which she nodded.

"She's probably cleaning it…In fact, I know she is." Lulu insisted, suddenly serious. "I swear I found you exactly as you are." She raised her hands, palms up, as if prompting him to search her should he feel the need. Tidus choose merely to believe.

Though the thought of the butch Al Bhed 'Leisha' undressing him was more than a little disturbing, it was more easily digestible than the idea of Lulu doing it. Especially considering that the evidence of Yuna's previous actions was probably coating the inside of his pants…definite proof that his relationship with his summoner surpassed the boundaries of a simple guardian.

Silently, he thanked Leisha for not mentioning anything about what she had discovered to Lulu.

"So?" she interrupted his thoughts, having somehow appeared behind him to press on his shoulder, obviously a little restless. "Shall we?" She was pushing him toward the door with a little more force than necessary, trying to block off any attempts at escape.

"Whoa!" he side stepped her easily, ripping himself from her grasp with effort and stumbling back into the room. "I can't go out there like this!"

Lulu sighed. "It's Yuna's birthday…she's out there obviously waiting for you. That's why I went through so much trouble to wake you up! This is no time for your vanity."

"This has nothing to do with vanity." Tidus insisted, tightening his toga. "This has to do with potential indecent exposure! I mean…what if there are kids out there? I don't wanna be the one to scar them for life."

She rolled her eyes. "Not that there are any children present, but just because I assumed you would be paranoid, here." From the chair beside her, she threw a folded pile of garments at him which he caught clumsily with one hand, the other busy making sure his sheet held up, not wanting to further expose himself to Lulu of all people.

"I found this in Wakka's stuff." She said, smiling a tad maliciously. "It'll have to do."

Tidus held the clothes up to the light…and rapidly shook his head.

"No way." He said simply, tossing them onto the bed in revulsion.

Lulu only whipped the clothing back at him. "You don't have to like it, you just have to not 'indecently expose' yourself while waiting for your uniform to be pressed."

"Then I'll wait here." He sat on the bed defiantly, arms crossed over his chest.

Lulu sighed. "Now tell me this has nothing to do with vanity, huh?"

"If being vain means I refuse to look like a clown…then yes, I guess I'm vain. I'll wait for my clothes thank you."

"Suit yourself." She said, leaving the outfit spread out nicely on the bedspread before heading toward the door. "By the way, you're uniform should be ready in a few hours."

"A few hours?" Tidus repeated with disdain, his hands falling to his sides in disappointment. "But…but I'll have missed everything by then! What the hell is taking so long?"

"Well, I'm not naming any names here, but someone gave Leisha a long list of menial tasks like: prepare the meal, set up a firework team, hooking up a sound system etcetera etcetera" she waved her hands to demonstrate how much longer the list went on, smiling slyly. "I'm sorry to say but your laundry is last on her list of things to do."

"Then make it first!" he yelled.

Lulu took a step back and raised her hands while shaking her head. "It's you who paid her. It's only you she'll answer to. Come and tell her yourself if you want to re-arrange the schedule."

"You know very well I can't to do that!"

"Then you'll be missed." She said with a wink, before pulling back the fabric door once more, fully intending to walk out. Though Tidus knew he could argue…though he knew very well that having his clothes pressed within 20 minutes was not an insane request…he also knew that Lulu was playing with him. Once again venting her frustrations and implicating a subtle revenge after having promised to be nice.

One way or another…Tidus knew he didn't have a choice.

With shaky hands, he swiftly removed the clothing from the bedspread and shut his eyes tightly as he pushed his arms through the sleeves, his legs through the shorts and zipped up the fly of Wakka's pants, not daring to even glance at a mirror.

"Wait up!" he called to Lulu, rushing out after her.

'The things I do for you Yuna…'


Author's Note: sigh Wonder why this took so long to update? Not only is school and work weighing me down already, but whenever I had the chance I just kept writing and writing…by the time I was satisfied with this chapter it was 21 pages long! So, I split it AGAIN lol. I'm gonna post the second half sometime at the end of the week since it's in need of much editing (I typed it up during class lol) but I promise you, this birthday scene will FINALLY end. (I'm waiting for it as badly as you are, trust me).

On another note, if you haven't noticed I'm changing the story a bit. What was originally meant to be just another fluff fic, is turning into an angst one. Why? Because, as stated earlier, I was very unsatisfied with the jump from X to X2 and feel that it was too random considering none of the dress sphere/ Lenne insanity was never mentioned in the first game. So, I'm filling in the blanks here in accordance to my own theories about Tidus, Shuyin, dream Zanarkand and real Zanarkand. At this point, during Yuna's birthday, I imagine the crimson squad would have just finished their mission in the cave of woe, releasing Shuyin's spirit and thus explaining why Tidus is suddenly getting these memories of his past life. But this will all be explained at a later date, in another chapter, in another story to be posted in the X-2 section (I've already written the crimson squad scene with Paine as the documentary film recorder lol…couldn't resist). In the meantime, this story is sorta wrapping up (knowing me though, the scenes I have left to write will somehow multiply, extending the story).

Another update soon, which is technically the second half of this chapter, entitled 'Me Against the Music' (don't ask). The more reviews, the faster it gets posted :P. So leave your comments! They are much appreciated. Thank you.