A year and a day chapter 9
Disclaimer: Nope, Kripke still hasn't seen sense and given them over to my care so as well as making no profit I have to give them back.
Please note that italics indicate thoughts or internal conversations.
A/N Sorry for the delay in posting. I've been a little poorly, but I'm all better now so onward people, onward…
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It hadn't taken much for both Dean and Missouri to deter a furious Caleb from dashing straight out with a more than willing hellhound to tear the rapist into bite sized pieces; just one look from the motherly but scary psychic told him that Dean's welfare came first and Dean's fear for the no longer untainted but still innocent soul finally made him realise just why his little brother had been so reserved and cautious these past months. He had listened to Bobby and Jim's explanations of Sam's spell but the enormity of it all hadn't sunk in. Now, knowing how much hurting the soul would hurt Dean he agreed to hold fire for a few days to give Dean some time to rest, and Missouri had wrangled a promise from him not to kill the bastard who had hurt his as good as brother - he noticed that she hadn't mentioned anything about not maiming. Dean's smile told him that he had noticed it too.
And there was the practical issue to consider. Neither of them knew just how to get a hellhound to hunt. They both reckoned that some form of mental link was involved and in his fragile state neither Missouri nor Caleb were willing to put Dean through any more mental pressure. They would just have to wait for Bobby to arrive. Missouri had called him and, without giving him too many details, had told the surrogate father that his boy needed him. He was also their resident expert on hellhounds. In fact he was probably the world's only expert on hellhounds. But then how many other people had a real life specimen to observe? He had insisted that the squeaky chew toys, the secret feeding scraps under the table and the shameless belly rubs were all necessary to understand the hellacious beast …..nobody was convinced.
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Missouri led Caleb upstairs, a protesting but exhausted Dean in his arms, insisting that he needed to sleep.
Dean didn't want to sleep; if he slept he would dream, or even worse…he might remember. But nobody ever won an argument with the feisty psychic and he was just too damned tired to try.
Missouri sat and watched as Dean fought a battle with sleep that she knew he would lose; not because she was psychic but because of the herbal sleeping draught she'd slipped into the hot chocolate he had just drunk. She wouldn't normally do such a thing without asking but Dean had always been a special case as far as medicine was concerned. Anything that would help him to do his job of protecting his brother better he would happily take but anything that might impair his judgement or reflexes had to be practically forced down his throat at gunpoint. And he really did need to sleep away the last effects of the rohypnol. The herbal concoction she had given him should also take him past the dream state level of sleep.
She stroked his long blonde hair gently. Strange how despite his obviously feminine looks she still saw their Dean lying there, innocent and childlike, just as he had been when he was little. He had been through so much and still had more to face. She knew from her own experience how devastating rape was irrespective of whether it was achieved by violent means or deception. Yes violence was horrific, it had been for her; but for Dean who was used to physical violence….
'And what does that say about the life he has had' reminded her inner voice - a voice who seemed quite chatty lately. She wondered if….the thought vanished and left her feeling as though she had missed something. Not something vital, but something nonetheless.
Yes, she returned to her original thought. For Dean a violent attack would somehow have been preferable. It would have given him a chance to choose whether to fight back or not, whichever would give him the best chance of survival. As it was he would only ever remember that he had been dominated, which to Dean would mean failure. And if he had failed once who knew when he might fail again.
Missouri snorted softly although even an earthquake would have trouble waking him now. It was rubbish of course. Dean hadn't failed at anything though getting him to see that might be difficult. She had, however, taken heart at his show of stubborn resolve back in the kitchen over whether to tell Sam and she had no doubt that if he faltered Caleb would be there to see him through. 'Probably won't be able to pry him from the older Winchester's side with a crowbar' she chuckled softly to herself, 'though we may have to keep him away from Sam for a while.'
Missouri tucked Dean in and kissed him on the temple - what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him - and quietly left his room, leaving the door slightly ajar so that he wouldn't feel trapped if he awoke confused or afraid. It was what her mother had done for her and she remembered the comfort that had brought.
As she came back down the stairs her thoughts turned to Sam and she sighed. Where had it all gone so very wrong? She knew that she was asking herself a rhetorical question because as of yet there was no answer; her psychic ability told her that. Sam was definitely not a lost cause but the longer it took him to see sense; to see past Ruby's machinations, then the more chance there was that they would lose Dean. Without that brotherly connection she feared that the outwardly cynical and battle hardened, yet in reality vulnerable and soft hearted older brother, would see no reason to be, no reason to exist at all. He was already struggling with the presence of a soul that had never been tested by the hardships of life and that he couldn't help but see as perfect. One that he felt reflected every one of his self perceived failures in his life. He held them up to harsh scrutiny in the mirror of Deborah's perfection. Every decision he had ever taken now accompanied by a retrospective 'would she have done it this way?….better?…..at all?' Yet never for a moment thinking that she may have done things worse, or even been a less than perfect daughter or sister.
It pained her to realise that most of those who knew Dean as he was growing up, even Sam, and even before the complications affecting the younger brother had been realised had never done anything to make him feel special or loved. Useful, yes; necessary, yes; but loved in his own right? Wanted for his own innate special qualities? No, not so much. Only Bobby and Caleb seemed to understand from the start that Dean was as special a boy…a man…and even a woman as John or Sam were…and it was about time that they started to make the stubborn fool himself believe it.
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Sam had a bad feeling. Well, if he were being honest with himself he would admit that he had been feeling bad for some time; certainly before Dean's transformation. Hell, who was he trying to kid…..
'Looked in a mirror lately?'
Sam sighed. He hated that voice and it didn't help that it was almost always right.
'Except when Ruby tells you different' it responded to his thought.
'That's because she cares for me. She's probably the only one who does.'
'And who does everybody else care about Sammy? Who else is receiving the attention that you so desperately crave…sorry, I meant to say deserve.'
'Dean.' Sam surprised himself at how petty and juvenile that had sounded in his own head. But it was true; Dean was the centre of everyone's world and he could date his bad feeling to the very moment that he had found out about his idiot brother's Crossroads deal. It wasn't as though he'd asked to be brought back or for Dean to make the ultimate sacrifice.
'And would you not have done the same thing if positions were reversed?'
'Of course I would!'
'But would you choose to do what Dean did or would it simply not enter your head that the alternative, burning your brother's lifeless and cold body, was even an option at all.'
'Of course it wouldn't have been an option!'
'Then why would it be an option for Dean? And if it wasn't why do you hate him for what he did do?'
'I don't hate him.'
'Well it certainly seems to look that way.'
'I don't hate him! I love him.'
The voice knew that it was getting nearer to the core now; to the point where Sam would see clearly. But it also knew that it had to be Sam's journey, and he had to reach the final destination by himself.
'So if it's not him you hate what is it? What is turning your world inside out?'
'I…I don't know. I just don't see why everything has to revolve around him all of a sudden. I'm the one with the freaky powers I never asked for. I'm the one the Demon chose…why didn't it choose Dean, don't these things normally choose the first born? Why me? Why can't anyone see what I'm going through here. They can't see how all this deal business has affected ME dammit!'
Sam had a sudden sick feeling. If he didn't know better….if he'd heard those words, that tone, from anybody else he would say that it sounded a lot like jea…….
"Hey Sam, how are you sweetheart?"
"Ruby! God it's good to hear a friendly voice."
Ruby was surprised at Sam's heartfelt welcome but she wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth.
Sam's little voice retreated back into the still and silent recesses of his mind. There would be other opportunities…but not too many, Sam was using up his chances fast. The voice prayed for Sam to have the strength to see the truth, and the danger….and added a prayer for itself to have the strength to endure the kid's whining. He really didn't understand humans.
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Dinner that night was a tense affair. Dean was pushing his food around his plate but not actually eating anything. Missouri sighed; she really didn't have the heart to press him too hard given the circumstances.
Caleb frowned at Dean. He should really be back in bed resting but the damn fool just had to pretend that everything was alright…didn't want to upset Sam. Speak of the devil. The always intense but usually calm younger brother was looking decidedly grim and angry. Now what the hell did he have to be angry about? Was his damn fault that Dean had been left to the mercy of that monster. He should…..'Ow' Caleb glared at Missouri as she stabbed her fork into his leg under the table. 'Damn psychics, might as well yell my thoughts out loud' but he took the hint. Getting angry at the jerk wouldn't do Dean any good.
Sam didn't speak to Dean all evening. He couldn't understand why he was reacting like he was but then again it was definitely Dean who was in the wrong. Not for having sex; he hadn't expected him to last out as long as he had on that score. No, he was angry because he had just left them hanging. He had disrespected Ruby, who despite her nature had been trying her very best to get on with his family and friends, and he had just left with some stranger without telling them…without telling him where he was going. Anything could have happened; why couldn't the moron remember that he wasn't like he was. That he wasn't strong any more; that he was vulnerable. When was he finally going to admit that he needed his younger brother to protect him? No time soon by the look of it he thought as Dean asked to be excused from the dinner table , admitting that he was tired and needed an early night. Sam had hoped that they would get a chance to talk through what had happened earlier but his brother was blanking him. Well two could play at that game.
"I'm going out. I'll be back late so don't wait up" he announced as he too left the table.
Caleb and Missouri exchanged worried glances as the two brothers went in separate directions. Missouri couldn't help but think that the strong Winchester brothers looked somehow diminished when they were apart and it had nothing to do with Deans new appearance.
"What are we going to do Caleb?" Missouri asked an equally worried looking hunter as they were finally alone.
Instead of answering her question directly Caleb asked one of his own.
" When will Bobby be here?"
"Tomorrow." Caleb nodded at her reply and she understood immediately. The only one with the parental authority to fix this was the older hunter. Dean adored him although nobody would dare say that to his face; and Sam respected the man in a way that he had never respected his own father. They just hoped that he would be able to do something to bring the boys together, and that he wouldn't go ballistic when he got the full story on what had happened to his surrogate son.
Well Missouri was hoping for a quiet controlled Bobby. Caleb was hoping that the other hunter knew how to find a way to inflict excruciating, and preferably eternal, pain on the piece of trash that dared call itself a man. Rapists! They gave even demons a bad name.
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Bobby didn't quite know what to expect upon his arrival at Missouri's home. All he knew was that Dean needed him and something had happened but it wasn't supernatural in origin. Oh, and Caleb needed to know how to get a hellhound to tear someone's throat out.
It gave him cause for concern but since nobody was hospitalized it couldn't be that bad could it?
Bobby sat at the kitchen table as Missouri and Caleb watched him take in the information. Dean hadn't been able to bring himself to be there, to watch the reaction as the man he thought of as a second father realised how weak he had been.
Bobby breathed out harshly and swiped one hand across his eyes. Eyes that held a cold steely gleam as he locked gazes with an equally intense Caleb.
"You know that Dean can't let us kill the bastard?"
"Yeah. But there's a lot of room between letting the son of a bitch get away with it and actually killing him."
Bobby nodded at Caleb's reply and they both avoided looking at the psychic, not wanting to witness her disapproving expression. If they had looked, however, they would have been shocked at the satisfied little smile and equally determined look.
Missouri shook off the desire for retribution. It really wasn't the time or place and she sensed a very stressed Dean was waiting for Bobby to either console or condemn him. 'Damn you John Winchester' she thought as she felt the young man's insecurity and fear.
"Bobby I think that Dean needs you more than revenge right now."
Dean jumped out of his chair, literally, as Bobby entered and he stood awaiting his judgement as Bobby said nothing but looked at him as though seeking something.
Bobby saw how skittish Dean was. That bastard had robbed him of that casual confidence - much more so than his transformation had. But would he want to be touched? Would giving his 'son' the hug he so desperately wanted to cause more pain than comfort? He suddenly realised that his lack of action or speech was causing the very pain that he wanted to avoid so with a mental crossing of his fingers he stepped forward and opened up his arms in invitation.
Dean Winchester did not do hugs, he did not do touchy feely chick flick moments; but then Dean Winchester didn't fall prey to rapists or cry on kitchen floors or let Caleb carry him up to bed, clinging like a vine.
There were a lot of things that Dean Winchester didn't do. But then he wasn't entirely Dean Winchester at the moment was he? And perhaps Deborah would do those things….should do those things.
After a few seconds hesitation Dean stepped into the circle of the older hunter's arms and felt the safe strong arms enfold him. He didn't cry this time but he held on tight as Bobby's words told him that he wasn't to blame…that the man he looked up to still respected him.
"Don't worry son, you're not alone. We'll get through this together…that's what families are for."
And then Dean did cry. He cried because he didn't have to do this alone. And he cried because the person who was the one he thought would always be there for him wasn't and he didn't know how to make it better. And as Bobby held him and stroked his hair in comfort Dean vowed that this would be the last time he cried. It was time to stop being a victim and start being a hunter. Just because the scum that had hurt him was human didn't mean that he wasn't evil and he was out there now putting other women in danger. He needed to be hunted down.
The time for self - pity was past. It was time to do what he did best. And there was the added bonus that it would take his mind off the small issue of dealing with the fact that the creep hadn't used a condom and since he'd planned on not having sex while female he wasn't on the pill. Oh yeah, hunting sounded pretty good about now.
TBC
No action in this chapter but I wanted to set the emotional scene for what comes next. A rapist is hunted down and the guys receive some disturbing information. And Dean has to deal with the consequences of the attack and the reactions of his family.
