S. Meyer owns it.

i kissed you on the street that night

on the far side of four

but i didn't like the taste

in my mouth or yours

and ignoring the persona you wore for my benefit

for once i had the balls to call it

just call it

but a lesson must be lived

in order to be learned

and the clarity to see and stop this now

that is what i've earned

and maybe it was i who betrayed his majesty

with no opposite reality

like a puddle with no reflection

of the sky or the trees

but after my dreaded beheading

i tied that sucker back on with a string

and i guess i'm pretty different now

considering

i'm holding here a book

notable, but not the greatest

stolen for me by the latest

in a long line of thieves

and i'm just about to drop it

down that manhole of memories

when i realize it doesn't bother me

and heartache not so dire

cuz i looked up to see integrity

finally won over desire

Manhole, Ani DiFranco

~BPOV~

Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

The faint noise continues in a loop as I slowly gain consciousness and float away from my dream. I keep my eyes closed in an attempt to recall it. I was walking in heavy, clean snow, with my head hanging down. The freezing wind whips through me and my hair falls against my face. Below me, scuffed old brown boots. One foot moves in front of the other. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. I was moving away from something. It's clear to me that if I turn around to see what's behind me I'll see nothing. A complete void. I can't remember anything else, but I don't really need to.

I open my eyes but my mind is still hazy, and I feel weighed down. It's only when Alice moves her arm across my waist, pulling me closer, that I realize the weight is real.

Her head is on my shoulder, and I get lost watching the slight flutter of her eyelids and the way her long lashes fall gently against her cheek bones. Her face is innocent and kind. You can't see how she holds the weight of the world on her shoulders when she's sleeping. I could lie here for hours, memorizing her skin and the number of seconds between each rise and fall of her chest.

Her bedroom is dark and quiet, but I can hear low voices and movement coming from the front of the loft. The twp of us have ensconced ourselves in this little bubble of our new relationship, and we've barely left each other's side for the past few weeks.

I've never spent so much time with someone other than a member of my family. We even brush our teeth in tandem. Of course, we shower together at every opportunity. My body is sore in the most gratifying of ways. Holding her hand as we walk through the grocery store makes me giddy; I feel like a teenager. I know it's what everyone calls the honeymoon phase, but for me, It doesn't feel like a phase. It feels permanent. I never want her to be far away.

I can't sleep without her anymore, and she claims the same of me. Other than the instances when time spent apart is inescapable, I find myself gravitating toward wherever she might be.

I look away from her, staring through the tiny slivers of window pane that show through each crack in the blinds. It's pouring rain, each tiny drop lightly tapping at the glass as it shoots across and falls away. Even at this early hour there should be some semblance of light, but not today. It's absolutely dreary.

My eyes roam around the four walls that surround us, each one painted a muted monochrome and adorned with framed black and white photos. I've never taken the time to appreciate them. I tend to be otherwise distracted when I'm in here. The photos vary from barren trees - the perspective making me feel like a small child staring up at the sky, to an empty city street - the pavement wet and glistening from rain. There's only one that includes people; a picture of Edward and Alice as children at the beach. She's hugging his waist and he's got his arms around her;. they're squinting from the sunlight and smiling like they've just won the lottery.

Everything in this room is gray, black, or white. She's stripped all the color from her life, and I know why. Bright colors imply happiness and light. She thinks she doesn't deserve it.

She's so wrong.

These are her mother's photos. I haven't asked her about them, and I don't know that I will - at least not while I'm still holding back parts of my own past. She told me that I could tell her when I was ready. She would wait for however long it might take. We'd never have to talk about it at all, if that's what I wanted. If I hadn't already been in love with her before - her selflessness and trust in me only solidified the feeling. We've not actually spoken the words, and that's fine with me, because I feel like I still haven't shown her all of myself.

Each day that I don't open up and let her in, the truth nags at me. What am I waiting for? It's the question I keep asking myself. It's dampened my mood, seeping into my every thought. She notices, Jasper notices. They ask me if I'm okay and I smile brightly and tell them I'm just overworked. I don't know if they fully believe me, but they don't push. Even Edward, who I adore but haven't really gotten to know, put his arm around my shoulder just yesterday and gave me quick squeeze. He said nothing, just looked at me, and smiled.

I'm not myself. I never let things like this bother me.

I did nothing wrong and there's no sin to repent for. She'll be completely understanding and utterly compassionate.

So what's the big deal?

I'm embarrassed. Still, after all this time, I feel stupid and ridiculous. I wonder if that will ever go away. The rest of me cringes at the thought of reliving it all, retelling the story, and re-opening those wounds. I'm extremely skilled at not letting the past enter my conscious thoughts. Lately, though, my skill has faltered. Here I am - depressed, lying in bed with the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I'm holding us back.

I take a deep breath. I'm way fucking stronger than that.

"Alice," I whisper in her ear, trying to wake her without startling her.

She doesn't respond at all, so I try nudging her. She's practically dead weight, half of her body on top of mine. I push her hair away from her face and then pass the back of my hand along her cheek. "Baby," I say a little louder. I try to squirm underneath her, and this seems to stir the sleeping beauty.

"Hmmm?" she mumbles incoherently.

"I'm ready now."

Her hand comes out from underneath the blanket, and she places it on the side of my face. It's warm and I lean into her touch. She kisses my neck softly, leaving a chilly trail wherever her damp lips meet my skin. Her hair is sticking up everywhere and it tickles my cheek. I feel her slide her knee between my legs, grinding herself against my thigh, and the flames ignite. The feel of her skin on mine is something I'll never take for granted. Something I'll never, ever tire of, but she's misunderstood me. It kills me to stop her.

"No, Alice..." I say between heavy breaths.

"What?" She says, her voice deep and groggy.

"I didn't mean...ready for that. I meant..." I trail off, not knowing how to say it.

"Oh." She raises her head and looks up at me. Her eyes are soft and understanding. "You don't want to have sex? I'm sorry. I thought..."

I take her face in my hands. "No, no. Don't apologize. Normally, I would say yes, but that's not what I was talking about."

"I'm confused," she admits with a lazy smile.

"I know. 'Ready' may have been a poor word choice on my part. I, um...what I meant was that I'm ready to talk. To tell you about Leah."

Her eyes widen almost imperceptibly, and she pulls herself up into a sitting position against the head of the bed. Alice crosses her legs, and drags her hands up and down her face. She's wearing her brother's boxer shorts and my Forks High School gym t-shirt. The girl has a serious clothes-borrowing problem, otherwise known as stealing. On her wrist is the hair tie I left here a few days ago. She's been wearing it non-stop.

I sit up, too, mimicking her position. I reach my hand out and trace the black band around her wrist. "Where's my friendship bracelet?" I tease.

She drops her head down, smiling,and embarrassed. "My hair is too short. I don't own these kind of doohickeys."

"I think it's sweet that you wear it. It gives me butterflies when I see you playing with it." When she looks back up at me, I lean in and kiss her lips. My heart races.

"Are you sure you're ready for me to know this?" Alice says against my lips. She pulls me closer to her, forcing me to crawl into her lap. "Bella, don't do it on my account. Believe me - I'm really curious, but I also like pretending you were virginal before you met me."

I lean my head against her chest and play with the hem of her shirt, smiling as she holds me close. "Yeah...I'm sorry I can't say that's true." Alice's body shakes gently as she laughs. "I just don't know where to begin. I've never told anyone the specifics...besides Jasper."

"That's simple. Start at the beginning. When did you meet her?"

She couldn't be more perfect. Alice always tries to make everything easy for me.

"The summer after I graduated high school. Instead of going to Texas to visit his dad, Jasper stuck around. He was hanging out with this guy Jacob, who he liked to jam with," I say, using air quotes. I wouldn't exactly call what they made music. "They would hang out in our garage, Jacob banging away on drums and Jasper playing his guitar. Mostly they would get wasted and tell lame jokes.

I spent most of my time with them, learning things I was too young to know about, but it was probably the most fun I'd ever had. They treated me like one of the guys. I had my first beer and my first joint that summer," I reminisce, a smile playing upon my lips. "And even though Jasper and Jacob were complete opposites in every way, it was never an issue. Being in such a small town, that kind of acceptance was a rarity. I would know, considering I had zero friends."

"What? How is that possible?" Alice asks unbelieving, obviously thinking I was the same girl then as I am now.

"I was a social nightmare in high school. I never hid anything about myself, or played the part like all of the other girls. I wore my heart on my sleeve and a rainbow flag on my back pack. I knew I was gay when I was pretty young, about twelve or so. One day I talked to my mom, told her what I thought, and she bought me books."

"Books? Like, to explain your gayness?"

Alice's coming-out was probably different than mine. I think pretty much everyone's was different than mine.

"Yeah, she went to Seattle and bought them at a feminist bookstore. They were hysterical. I think one was called, There's Something I Need To Tell You. I felt like I was about to confess a murder or something. Regardless of how weird they were, it helped. My family was very accepting."

"Wow. That's the strangest book title ever. And your mom is a saint," Alice blurts and I see her cringe a little at the word choice.

"It's okay. I know you know. Jasper can't keep a secret to save his life. I'm not ashamed of her for cheating on my dad. I won't ever understand her actions, but I've learned to forgive her. Which I think is pretty much how my dad handled it. I guess I'm a lot like him in that way."

"I'm sorry, Bella. I'm not judging her. She sounds like a great mom."

"She is. She made a mistake. We all do, right?"

"Right," she says with a nod. "Wait a second. Jasper only went to Texas in the summer?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Why the fuck does he have an accent?"

I roll my eyes. "Don't even get me started. He thinks it's sexy. Apparently, so does Edward. He has a slight accent in reality - he tends to exaggerate. It's so embarrassing. I've tried to make him stop."

She shakes her head and chuckles. "I bet Edward loves it. Those two freaks are made for each other."

"You got that right."

"I'm so glad you're normal," she says jokingly. I stick my tongue out at her like the adult that I am. "Sorry to interrupt. Proceed," she adds with a wave of her hand.

"So, anyway, I was the lonely, weird little tag-along, and the boys put up with me. Eventually we got bored of the garage and of each other. Jacob thought that having a bonfire down on the beach would be a great idea. He'd bring his buddies from the reservation, Jasper and I would bring ourselves - instant party."

"Sounds fun. I've never been to a bonfire," Alice chimes in.

I turn my head and look up at her. "Are you serious?"

"Um, yes?"

"Oh, Alice, we'll have to remedy that - and soon. Have you ever been to the ocean?"

"Nope."

"That is so wrong."

"I agree. You need to take me sometime."

"Definitely." I'd love to take to her Forks, to the beach, and to meet my family. It would be like the real kind of relationship that I've always wanted.

"So...the party? You're killing me here with your chaotic story telling."

"Okay, okay. Keep your pants on," I chide. "So, um, the bonfire's been going for a few hours, and there are only a few of us left. I'm sitting next to Jasper, warming my toes by the fire, sipping on crappy beer, and watching the waves crash against the sand. I'm pretty lost in my own little world thinking about how beautiful the water is at night, and I see her. I swear she appeared out of nowhere.

"The way she carried herself moved me - so lithe and with such purpose. She was breathtaking – muscular, but not overly so. Her presence was dominating but feminine, and it was pretty alluring. Something came over me. I had to force myself stay put, and not walk up to her like I had some kind of dorky crush.

I watched her stroll along the shore line with Jacob. They were having an animated discussion or a disagreement. I don't really remember. All I could think about was finding out who she was, where she came from, and what I was going to do to get to know her. There wasn't anything that was going to stop me from talking to her, even if I ended up looking like a fool. I was instantly attracted to her."

Chancing a look up at Alice, I see a little bit of anguish in her eyes. It must be very difficult to listen to this. I want to give her the opportunity to back out now, because it's only going to get worse.

"Are you okay?" I ask her tentatively.

"Me? Yeah. I'm fine. I mean, it sucks to hear you talk about someone else like that, but I know it's the past. I'm a jealous meat-head so just ignore me."

"Well, coincidentally, I adore jealous meat-heads." I try to soothe her possibly wounded ego, and ask again. "If you're sure..."

"Hey, you had to listen to me talk about Tanya the Horrible."

"This is true," I agree.

"So you're answer is I'm sure, baby. Go on."

I take a deep breath and begin again. "Eventually, Jacob brings her over and introduces her. He asks if I wouldn't mind keeping her company while he borrows Jasper to get more wood for the fire, and of course, I say I will. We made a little bit of small talk, but I didn't have the slightest idea what to say to her.

"I was intimidated from the get go, before she even opened her mouth. She just seemed wiser, more experienced, and maybe a little bit dangerous. Combine that with how gorgeous I thought she was - her perfectly tanned skin, jet black hair, and dark eyes - and I felt small and unworthy in comparison.

"Leah was very sweet. She asked me easy questions, and laughed in all the right places when I tried to make a joke. Maybe she picked up on the fact that I felt awkward, at that moment, she did her best to make me feel comfortable, and that was something that made an impression on me. The only people in my life that ever went out of their way to accept me were my family. Having this woman I was ridiculously attracted to - do the same, it was overwhelming and exciting. I never wanted that feeling to end."

Alice takes a deep breath and shifts a little. "Can we lie down?" she asks.

"Sure." I move with her and lay on my side, my back to her front. Quietly, I ask, "Are you upset?"

"I guess I didn't think you'd tell me everything. Your voice changes when you talk about her. It's like wistful, or something..." She trails off.

I turn to face her. Cupping her cheek with my hand, I look directly into her eyes and tell her the truth. "Listen to me. I feel nothing for her anymore. Please believe me. You're the one I want to be with. No one else. It's just a story."

She looks away momentarily, and then meets my gaze. "I believe you. Can I make one request, though?"

I eye her skeptically. "What is it?"

"Maybe stop talking about how pretty she is?"

"Oh." I'm caught off guard. I didn't realize I was doing that. "I'm sorry, baby. I didn't mean to get carried away" I say, genuinely sorry. However, at the same time, it's so hot that she's jealous.

"Why are you smiling?" She asks with a mock glare.

"No reason. I guess I kinda like it that my girlfr...uh, that you get jealous." Shit. Did I say that out loud? Oh well, it's about frigging time.

"What's a 'girlfr'? Some kind of new-fangled term the kids are using?" She's such a little shit.

"No, smart ass. I meant to say girlfriend. That's what you are, isn't it?" I raise my eyebrows in challenge.

She rolls her eyes a little and pretends to think it over. "I suppose girlfriend will do. I can't go around introducing you as the girl I like to fuck, now, can I?"

"Alice!" I laugh and shove her shoulder.

We play fight for a few moments, and then she flips herself on top of me, straddling me, and staring me down.

"Alright, stop fucking stalling. Let's get this over with. Tell me what the hell she did to you, so I can hate her properly," she says forcefully.

I can't help it; I'm totally turned on.

I bite my lip, and immediately, she pulls it away from my teeth with her thumb. "Now," she adds.

"Fine," I say with a huff, returning to our previous positions..

"We talked for a really long time. It wasn't until I found myself shivering that I realized it was almost morning. She offered me her jacket, and that's when I knew. I had a slight suspicion that she might be into women, based solely on the fact that she spent the whole night talking to me when there were a crap load of hot beefy men at her disposal. And she kept checking me out. The chivalrous jacket-offering sealed the deal.

"Jasper had disappeared on me, possibly on purpose. I asked Leah if I could get a ride home, and she said she had a better idea.

"I followed her back to her truck, and without another word we left together. I was incredibly nervous going home with her, but there was no way I could have turned her down, either. Even if all I really did was just crash on the couch.

"We went back to her house, a rustic little ranch that she shared with Jacob. She showed me around, holding my hand the entire time. I followed her like the little lost puppy that I was, and she took me to her bedroom. It was the first time I ever had sex. Afterward, she made us breakfast. She was very nonchalant about the whole thing. I certainly got the impression that this kind of situation might be a norm for her, but I didn't let it bother me. At the time, I wasn't even sure how I felt about any of it. I needed time to let it all sink in."

I remember how thrilled I was after meeting Leah. It must have been so obvious how desperate I was for her attention.

Alice kisses the back of my neck. I want to stop now and tell her to forget that I ever said anything. I hate revealing this side of myself to her.

"Hey, it doesn't matter. Whatever happened is in the past, okay?" Her voice is sweet and compassionate. I nod in agreement and begin again.

"It didn't take long for me to realize that I was hooked on Leah, with having sex with her, seeing her. I wanted to be with her every moment. It was overkill, but it was my first crush, my first sexual experience. I couldn't help how I felt.

"I called her a lot. She didn't always answer. We had a sort of unspoken agreement, I guess. After a few days of my insistence, she would sneak in my bedroom window in the middle of the night, fuck me, and then leave. I was okay with it. I really was - for a while. I constantly told myself that it took time for two people to find their groove. I berated myself for wanting so much so quickly, and constantly tried to hold myself back from spouting off about being girlfriends and going on dates.

"After several months passed, I started getting sick of it. I brought up how I was feeling to Jasper, who didn't hesitate to tell me he thought the whole deal was total bullshit. What started out as me venting, ended up with me defending her and making arguments for why she acted this way. He was so mad, said I was blind to her real motives, and that if I had any respect for myself, I'd tell her to fuck off. That's pretty much verbatim."

"I have to say, I do love your brother, almost as much as my own. He's always looking out for you," Alice says quietly.

"That he is." I think about all the things he said to me about Leah, and how he told me not to short-change myself. I ignored his advice, and I suffered for it.

"During one of our nights together, right around the beginning of winter,I started whining about how I only ever saw her after dark, and how she never asked me over to her house. I told her I felt like her dirty secret. I mean, we hadn't even been seen in public together.

"The simplest things were not an option for us. She said that she didn't do that kind of thing, that it didn't fit her personality to be committed like that. I begged her for a relationship, for something more. I wanted exclusivity and girlfriend status. I wanted to be by her side, supporting her and doing all the things a person does for someone they love. And I did love her,silently, without acknowledgement, and definitely without reciprocation.

"So I cried and cried, and eventually, she caved. The scene I made was pathetic, but I was desperate.

"She gave me a little taste of what I really, truly wanted. I was able to label us, and see her during daylight hours once or twice a week. I slept in her bed - which was something I had been craving. It was a rare occasion, but it was better than nothing.

"I always felt like it was forced on her part, and that I was infringing on her personal space, but I pushed the feelings aside. It went on like this for almost two years. I did whatever she asked,gave her all of myself, and she gave me sex.

"She was sweet to me, sometimes. She would tell me I was beautiful, or sexy, and always reminded me how much she loved fucking me, but never anything deeper or more meaningful.

"If I asked why we couldn't go to the diner for ice cream, or to Port Angeles to window shop, she'd fly into a rage, and accuse me of trying to stifle her and make her this cookie-cutter person that she could never be. And wasn't everything she had already given me enough?"

Eventually, I stopped asking.

"None of this went unnoticed by my family. I was at war with them over my relationship with her. I hadn't planned on ever giving my mom and dad any details because, deep down, I knew they wouldn't approve, but Jasper opened his big fat mouth and told them what was going on. They immediately went into protection mode. Understandably.

"I told them that if they didn't support my relationship with Leah, then they didn't support me. We had a huge fight - it was horrible. I said so many nasty things, brought up my mom's cheating right in front of my dad and Jasper. I really hurt them. I was out of control, though. I had absolutely lost sight of what a normal, healthy relationship was supposed to be like. All I could think was that they saw Leah as the enemy, and I had to protect her. I never thought that I was the one who needed protecting from Leah."

"Baby, I'm so sorry. You know I want to kill her, right?"

I laugh with little humor. "I know you do, because you're a good person. It's the same with Jasper. He loathes her and gets all riled up at the mention of her name."

"It's because we care about you, and because you're an amazing woman who deserves so much more than that. Much, much more."

I turn towards her and kiss her, whispering, "Thank you."

"You're welcome, Bella." We kiss softly for a few moments. In the back of my head, I'm wondering if it's even necessary for me to go on. She'll only hate Leah more, and then what will she do with her anger? There's no place to put it because Leah's out of my life now.

"What happened after you had it out with your family?" Alice asks, answering my question.

"I ran away. I went to the only other place in the world I knew - Leah's. Except that when I got there, she had company. I saw the motorcycle parked in front of the house, and vaguely remembered seeing it once before, but next door. I didn't think anything of it, really. I walked right up to the front door, tears streaming down my face. My heart was racing in my chest, I was praying to God that she would comfort me, and not be cold and distant like she could sometimes be.

"When I walked in, the house was quiet, none of the lights were on, but I knew she had to be home considering the door was unlocked and the bike was in the front. I called out for her once, and as her name left my lips, I heard the sounds. Moans and grunts coming from her bedroom. My heart dropped through my stomach. I was on auto-pilot, I remember my feet moving , my hand opening the bedroom door, and then I saw them.

"Jacob was fucking her up against the wall, and from what I could tell, she was loving it. They were both yelling each other's names and the worst part was when she said, 'God, I love you, Jacob'.

"I started crying then, and once she realized I was standing there, Leah started yelling at me, and asking me what the fuck I was I doing. I stood frozen to the spot. It wasn't until they untangled themselves and Jacob moved to grab some clothes that I started backing away from the bedroom door. I wanted to run, but I couldn't move fast enough.

"I maneuvered my way through the hall, then the kitchen, and finally to the living room where I banged my shin on the corner of the stupid coffee table; I could barely see where I was going because I was crying so hard. Everything started sinking in simultaneously. It was like a light bulb went off, and I finally got it. All this time I had been a burden, she didn't want to be with me the way I wanted to be with her. I couldn't fathom why she put up with me. Why didn't she just tell me to stay away right off the bat? Wouldn't that have been easier than keeping her real life a secret?

"I was completely humiliated. Even still, I tried to back track and apologize for showing up unannounced, but the anger on her face said it all - she didn't give a shit what I had to say.

"I begged her to tell me why she would do this to me. Her only answer was that that Jacob was her fiancée and they were getting married in the Spring. I was only supposed to be a one-night stand, but she felt bad when I kept calling, and if the sex hadn't been so good, she would have gotten rid of me earlier.

"Maybe, just for the sake of adding insult to injury, or simply because she was a horrible bitch, she also added that it turned Jacob on that she was having sex with me.

"I was speechless and my heart was broken."

I realize that I've been talking incessantly, not giving Alice any time to respond or to let it all sink in. I stop to collect myself, wiping away a few stray tears.

"Come here," she says and rolls me toward her, letting me bury my face in her shoulder. She rubs my back, soothing me, and shielding me from these terrible memories.

My mouth against her skin, I mumble, "I'm okay." I take a few long, deep breaths, trying to disintegrate my anger. There are no more tears now; it's only a matter of remembering that I'm a different person now.

"I know you are, but I still wanna hold you." Her words send an overwhelming pang through my chest. If anything is going to make me cry, it's this. There's nothing better in this world than being in her arms, fiercely protected from anything that might try to harm me.

I burrow into her body, f trying to become one with her, but never quite getting there.

"So, what are you thinking?" I whisper, cringing at my own question. I know it's the cardinal-whiny-girlfriend-sin, but I need to know.

"A lot of things, I guess."

"You haven't really said much..."

"I'm afraid to say much."

"I wanna know," I say.

"Mostly I'm wishing for Leah to end up in the darkest levels of HelI. I'd like to kick her ass too, but that may be overstepping my boundaries a little."

"Nah."

"Oh, well, in that case..." she jokes.

"So, is that all?" I'm pushing for more, because her opinion matters more to me than anyone else. She's barely given me any sense of her feelings.

"I think I just need some time to process it all. I'm definitely angry, I know that much." She hesitates, and then asks, "Can I ask you something, though?"

"Yes, anything."

"Why were you so reluctant to tell me?"

I squirm a little. It's hard to admit out loud, and even harder to admit it to her. "I guess it's because I feel weak and stupid. It's not how I ever wanted you to see me. Sometimes, I get the impression that you think I'm...I don't know...perfect? That I don't have any flaws. As much as I'd love for that to be true, it's not. I was so embarrassed - I still am. It's the reason why I left Forks. In a small town everyone knows your business, and it makes me cringe to think how they must have looked at me.

"Leah could twist the story any way she wanted, but essentially, I was the freaky lesbian who tried to worm her way into her and Jacob's relationship. Things between Jasper and Jacob deteriorated very quickly, and I felt like that was all my fault, too."

I tried not to think of it as running away, but essentially that's what I did.

"Who did Jasper beat the shit out of? Jacob or Leah?"

I laugh. "Jacob. Jasper is a southern gentleman. He wouldn't ever hit a girl, even a nasty one."

"Too bad," Alice say.

"That's what I thought, too."

"Bella?" Her tone has quickly changes from joking to serious.

"Yeah?"

"I never once thought any of the things that happened between you and Leah were your fault. You weren't weak or stupid. You were young, and in love with someone who was completely wrong for you. Anyone who thinks differently is an idiot. And Bella...of course I think you're perfect. You're perfect for me."

I swallow harshly and hold back the tears. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." She holds me tightly against her and kisses the top of my head.

We're quiet for a little while, but I can sense she's after more information. I hear the sounds of her starting and then quickly stopping herself, preparing to ask me a question.

"What is it?" I ask.

"I'm curious. How did you go from that - I mean, feeling so used and hurt, being devastated - to...well...you? The way you are now."

"I don't know, really. I was fully prepared to go home and wallow in my pain, to do the typical broken-hearted girl thing..The day it happened, I couldn't think of one single thing to say to her in return, so I just walked out the door. As I made my way through the snow, still crying and staring down at my boots, I realized something.

"None of it was ever real. That's why I had nothing to defend myself with - there was never any "us" to defend. It was all a fantasy of my own making. She had never promised me anything or told me she loved me. I was the only one who kept the charade alive. Leah was always distant with me, never laughed or joked around; we never had deep meaningful conversations. Honestly, the only time she ever showed me anything of herself was during sex and that was purely physical. She never once made love to me.

"Not like you do," I say quietly, my eyes averted. When I do look up and meet her stare, her green eyes are penetrating. "You've been the only one, Alice."

Now more than any other time, I wish I could read her thoughts - to know what she makes of what I've just admitted.

She brushes the hair away from my face and gives me a crooked little smile. "I like that."

I blush and look away, feeling giddy and lovestruck that she takes pride in being the only one that I've had that kind of connection with. "I like it too," I say, meeting her eyes again. She kisses me harder this time. I missed the feel of her warm, soft lips against mine in the few hours we've been talking. It's instantly comforting.

While we're kissing, Alice begins to get a little handsy with my ass, and as much as I like it,I bring her back to the matter at hand. "No, no, no. Hold on there, cowgirl."

"What? Why?" she whines. "I've got the female equivalent of blue balls over here after you stopped me this morning."

"I'm not done yet," I say matter of factly.

"Alright, alright. Please continue."

"All I wanted to say was that I haven't been back to Forks since it happened. My parents were so angry. They went on and on about how I shouldn't get mixed up with people who don't have my best interests in mind, and how I needed to be more careful about who I dated. Charlie, my dad, kept insisting that he should go down to the reservation and have a talk with Leah. Eventually, he gave up. I mean, don't get me wrong, I know they were just upset because I got hurt, but I couldn't take the constant reminders. They're ridiculously overprotective of Jas and me sometimes."

Sheepishly she asks, "But don't you miss them?" The slight hint of pain in her voices practically kills me. I must sound like such an ungrateful asshole.

"Of course, and he misses them, too. I've actually agreed to a visit...and I want you to come with me."

"Bella, I don't...are you sure? I mean,I don't know..." She trails off, her face contorted into a grimace.

"Stop it. Yes, I'm sure. You're not going in front of a firing squad, you're just meeting my parents. It won't be a big deal at all. I know they'll love you. And Edward, too."

"Edward's going?" This seems to pique her interest.

"Jasper is going to ask him, so if he agrees, then yes, he's going too," I say and pat the tip of my finger on her nose.

"Well, that'll help shield some bullets, I suppose."

"Don't be sarcastic. It means a lot to me," I say, trying on a pout to see how far it gets me.

"That's not going to work. I'll go, but not because you're making that face."

I laugh and tell her it was worth a shot. She leans in for another kiss, and I think she's not going to let me talk anymore, but I'm surprised when she breaks away.

"Bella, I'm really amazed by you. I want you to know that."

"Why?" I whisper.

"Because you took a shitty situation and you turned it around. You came away from it a better person. I couldn't have done that."

"Yes, you could have. And you still can. You're stronger than you think, Alice."

"Maybe," she says with a sad smile. "Now that I have you, anything is possible."

"Layin' it on a little thick, aren't we?"

"What you do expect? Apparently, I have to literally charm the pants off of you."

"Sometimes girls need to talk about their feelings, Alice. You can't expect me to tell you such an emotional story and then turn on the sexy switch."

"Really?" she asks teasingly.

"Yes, really." Such a smart-ass.

"Do you have more feelings you need to talk about?"

"No, I suppose I'm all out." I sigh and start to turn over, trying to hide my smile.

"Woah, woah, woah. Where do you think you're going?" I think there is actual panic in her voice.

I fake yawn and tell her I'm very sleepy.

Before I can blink, she's on top of me, spreading my legs with her knee and grinding it against me. I try to stifle my moan, but I'm unsuccessful.

"You don't sound sleepy," she says with a raise of her brow.

"Maybe I lied."

"Dirty liar," she teases.

"Just dirty."

"I'll take it."

"Alice?" I ask seriously.

"What, baby?"

"Make love to me."

"Of course."

**OoOoOo**

A/N:

Hey guys,

I'm so freaking sorry for the delay between updates. My only excuse is that I have none. I'd much rather give you something that comes naturally, rather than forcing out some bullshiz b/c it's been two weeks since my last update. ;-D

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed it – as much as one can enjoy angst. I personally love it, but these girls deserve some fun times – and they're coming. I promise. ;-)

Don't forget to stop by my profile and check out Red Letter Year: The Outtakes. Right now you can read The Whole Night in Bella's POV and there's another little surprise coming soon! Hee hee hee

Thank you (forever) to my betas: MessyBar, who uses her magical powers of logic on me daily, and Miss angel_eyes1_uk, who most definitely has her work cut out for her. Seriously.

Thank you so much for reading!

XOXO

P.S. Go Read PRESSED FOR TIME! It's in my favorites. It's perfection.