HE'S JUST STUPID

Michael's stupid. I always knew it. We were both in the class of '81 at William Penn High. I think actually that Michael was supposed to graduate in '79, but as I said, he's stupid. He was thrown out of our debate club for jumping up and down with his fingers in his ears and shrieking "I can't hear you!"

Michael Scott could sell, though. He drove my dad crazy knocking on our door trying to peddle magazine subscriptions. But finally we were subscribed-to "Archeological Digest" and two other crappy things that I think Mom gave to the church.

I have a Master's degree in Biology. A lot of people don't know that about me. I wanted to go to Washington, D.C. and work for the National Institutes of Health, but I got pregnant.

Raymond was a custodian and one of only two males in the Lackawanna County Knitter's Guild, and we had a brief love affair, but then he disappeared, and I could never have an abortion.

It happened before, in high school, too. I had to give a baby away. Pregnancies are like hiccups...my brother called me the "knocked up knockout" but like Michael, he's stupid, too.

The third time I got pregnant was by Ed Truck. That time, I had a miscarriage, but Ed gave me a job here at Dunder Mifflin. It was right after I'd had a nervous breakdown following a movie I saw about horror mirrors. I can't really explain that.

But I turned out to be a good salesperson. At the Bucks County Bible Society they always say "Here Comes Phyllis!" and they have a big order for me. I don't mind driving the sixty-five miles, not at all.

I like everyone here in the office, although Angela is mean about my spreadsheets, and she always criticizes any ideas I have for the Party Planning Committee.

And it's so unfair. I was one of the decorators for our high school prom. Michael was too-we put up streamers together, neither of us had a date, and I felt badly later when a couple of football players stuffed Michael into a trash can. (But he can be annoying)

The new salesman, Jim Halpert has dreamy eyes, and is really nice. Stanley's always grumpy, and there's something wrong with Dwight, although we did bond a little when I helped him paint his Dungeons and Dragons figurines a few months ago.

But Jim is very nice, and just adorable. I wonder if he is curious about me? I did drop a sheet I downloaded off the Internet about how Big Beautiful Women are the most energetic of lovers. I know he looked at it, because he showed it to Pam.

Pam's engaged to Roy, and you would think she would focus on Roy instead of kidding around with Jim. Angela said that Pam is destined for an inferno or something. But flirting's nice.

I just need to find out if I can get some pictures of me in lingerie. Imagine Jim's surprise if I left that in his folder!

There's a photo booth in the Steamtown Mall where I could maybe change into my Merry Widow and prance around in the booth while the camera works it's magic, but I'm afraid it's too small for me to really uh, move around without showing myself outside of the booth. That could get me kicked out of the mall, right?