Chapter 9: He Was Stronger

Roger walked into Mark's room to find him asleep. He could hardly fathom the day's events. It seemed like Mark had gone from zero to sixty in four days. And now to see him lying there helpless, it hurt. One part of Roger was angry that Mark just couldn't seem to accept the help that was in front of him. The other part of him was sad that whatever happened was so painful that he couldn't bear to talk about it.

Another forty-five minutes or so went by before Mark began to stir. Roger stood up and walked to his bedside so he knew he was there. Mark opened his eyes, but as soon as he saw Roger, he turned his head.

"What are you doing here?" he asked, harshly.

"For the same reason I was here earlier and I won't be leaving later. I care about you."

Mark stayed quiet until Dr. Harper came in.

"Hello Mark, glad to see you're awake."

"Aren't we all?" he mumbled in reply.

Dr. Harper frowned at his patient, realizing that things hadn't gotten any better. "Well, I must ask Roger to leave now, because I need to complete a physical examination."

Roger nodded, squeezed Mark's hand, and left.

Mark felt abandoned and suddenly felt guilty for not asking Roger to stay. He didn't want to be in that room alone. It made him feel exposed.

Dr. Harper went through the general motions of checking Mark's heart, lungs, and reflexes. Mark stayed stoic and quiet through the entire exam, though he had difficulty when it came to looking at his wrists.

When the doctor asked Mark to remove his gown, he lost it inside. He didn't want to be touched at all, really. His hands began to shake and he shrank away from every touch. Dr. Harper recognized that Mark was getting to his breaking point and decided he'd collected enough information. He would pair it with his chart from previous hospital visits and submit it to the social worker.

Roger came back in to sit with Mark. When he saw the look on Mark's face, he reached out to place a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't touch me," Mark said quickly, pushing himself further into the mattress to escape Roger's hand.

"Mark, come on, I'm not going to hurt you." Roger was upset by Mark's reaction. He didn't know what else to do for him. He felt lost. He longed to know how Mark put up with him while he was going through withdrawal. It must have been nearly impossible.

"I know, Roger. Just please…don't."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, I don't want to talk about it. I want to get the hell out of here. But we can't do that, gotta keep the crazy man locked away!" Mark held up his gauze-wrapped wrists for emphasis.

"Mark, you're not crazy. I just don't want you to hurt yourself anymore. God…" Roger was at a loss for words. It was like he knew what he wanted to say, but didn't know how to say it. "I need you, Mark. Even if you don't think so. You've always been the smart one. You kept me sane. I don't know what I would do without you."

Mark was utterly confused by his words. "How could you possibly want me around? Look how many problems I cause. I'm not worth the trouble, I can assure you."

"How could you possibly think you're not worth the trouble? Do you think I would have reacted like I did if I thought you weren't worth it? Come on, Mark. Get real. I have no idea what happened to you or why you're upset, but you have to get better. You're stronger than this. You were always stronger than me. This is nothing."

"No, Roger, I'm not stronger." Mark paused and took a deep breath, realizing that this was his time to come clean. "I was never stronger. He was always stronger than me. I was so little. And he knew it. I just was never good enough."

Realizing that new information had been released, Roger walked close to the bed and tried to take Mark's hand. "What do you mean, Mark? Who was stronger?"

Mark pulled away, well as far as he could, and began crying again as everything spilled out. "My Dad. I was always bad; I never did anything right. And he was just so much stronger than me. I just couldn't do anything right! God damn it! I just wasn't good enough!" Mark was visibly angry. He couldn't hold it in any longer.

Roger was startled by his outburst. "Whoa Mark, settle down. Talk to me. What do you mean you weren't good enough?"

"Everything I did was wrong! 'Mark, you put the dishes in the wrong place! Mark, there's dirt on the floor. Mark, why don't you pick up your fucking toys!?'" The more he revealed, the angrier he became. "Get me out of here!"

"Hold on, Mark," Roger said, going out in the hallway to find someone. He was lucky enough to find Deb at the Nurse's Station. He motioned for her to follow him and she instructed a nurse to follow as well.

When they entered the room, Deb immediately tried calm the struggling man. "Mark, Mark, listen to me. Settle down. I don't want to sedate you again, okay?"

Mark slowly fell into a shaking cry. "Why wasn't I good enough? Damn it."

"Mark, of course you were good enough. That wasn't your fault. You can't blame yourself," Roger said, trying desperately to not break down himself.

The words didn't mean anything to Mark. By that point he was too far gone. He was reduced to sobs. "I have been fighting and fighting my whole life. I just can't do it anymore."

Roger looked over him sadly, so unsure of what to do. Deb tried to get Mark to open up more but it just wasn't happening. He had once again built the ever familiar barrier between himself and the rest of the world. Deb motioned for Roger to follow her into the hallway.

"What do we do now?" Roger asked as soon as they were out of Mark's earshot.

"Well, I'm not exactly sure. He's definitely not in any shape to go home anytime soon. He's mentally unstable and as much as you care for him, I think this is just too big for you to handle yourselves."

"I know, but he hates being here. I'm afraid it's just going to make him worse."

"Unfortunately, we can't really do anything about that. His distress is way too severe to just try an outpatient program. Hopefully, with the right combination of meds and therapy, we can get him past his issue with being here and move on to the more important issues."

Roger studied her. She looked hopeful, but he was just so unsure. His whole life, Mark was the responsible one, the level-headed one. Roger didn't think he was strong enough to go through this with him. But he had to. He owed Mark big time. Every minute Mark spent dealing with Roger's withdrawal, Roger owed to deal with his depression. They were family and that's what family does for each other.

"Based on his current presentation, my professional opinion is that he is not safe to go home and should be admitted. Since you're listed as his next of kin, you can give input and if you disagree, you can ask for a second opinion."

"No, I definitely agree. I can't take him home like this. I can't handle another night like that."

"Okay. We'll see if he will agree to come voluntarily. If not, we'll complete what's called a Clinical Certificate and Petition for Hospitalization. Once those forms are signed off on, we'll get him squared away up in Behavioral Health and you can go home and try to relax."

"I want to stay with him."

The social worker smiled kindly at him. "I know, but you won't do him any good waiting here. It's almost six; you've had a long day. Go see him and let him know that you care about him."

"Can I be the one to tell him that he's staying here?"

"Yes, definitely. It will probably be easier for him if you explain why we're doing it and why it's important for him to get healthy. Then go home, take care of yourself, and get some rest. Come back in the morning when you've had time to rejuvenate."

Roger nodded in defeat, knowing that everything she was saying was right. "Can I use your phone?"

"Yes, of course. There's a private room down the hall with a phone in it."

She led him into the room. It was small, with just an armchair and a small table. The lights were dimmed and walls were a deep blue color. Roger nodded his head in thanks and picked up the phone to dial Joanne's number.

"Roger? Do you know anything?"

"Yeah. They're going to keep him. He's too sick to go home. I guess it's kind of going to be a waiting thing. She said that they're going to try to find the right combination of meds and therapy to try and get him back on track."

"That sounds promising. I'm sure he's not too happy about it, though."

"Well, I actually haven't told him yet. I figured I would call you first. But no, I'm sure he's not going to be happy."

"Tell him that we love him very much. Tell him that we care about him and we're not trying to hurt him."

"Yeah, I will. Can you come get me in twenty or twenty-five minutes?"

"Yes, I'll be there. Call me if something changes."

"I will. Thanks Joanne. I really appreciate it."

"No problem. That's what family is for."

There was that word again. Family. It was his reason for leaving Mark here. He was doing it for his own good. Roger's thoughts sounded like he was trying to convince himself of that rather than simply making a statement. He dreaded going to tell him, but he knew he had to do it.