"What did you do." Peridot asked as Jasper entered the school after class had ended. "You only have 10 minutes to explain until I have to go next period, assuming you won't go."
"I'll go." Said Jasper touching her nose. Peridot raised an eyebrow. "I left when everyone did so I missed what happened after, though I did see Lapis push you."
"I don't want to talk about it" Jasper said quietly. "You were so angry and energetic, and now you look like a walking pile of goo. What. Happened." She asked again.
Jasper looked around and leaned against the locker. "I kissed Lapis."
Peridot's usually monotone eyes shot wide open. "Wow." She didn't know how to respond.
"I fucked up." Jasper was about to punch the locker besides her but instead put her hand on her face. "It's all my fault."
Peridot was shocked, this was the first time she heard Jasper actually saying she had done something wrong. "She told me she hated me and then I kissed her. Now she'll never talk to me. And I'll go back to being angry and punching walls and regretting being so stupid."
"Wow" Peridot said again. Lapis really did have that much effect on Jasper, her whole self was changing. It was like seeing someone else who looked exactly like Jasper. Peridot sighed. She guessed it was up to her to raise Jasper's spirit up. "I agree. You did fuck up, like you always do. But that doesn't mean you can't redeem yourself. And how do you know Lapis didn't run because she got embarrassed? Maybe she got scared, but that doesn't mean she won't ever talk to you again. I'm sure she doesn't want to go back to getting bullied and being with you has let her finally be free of that. So, please, cheer up." Jasper looked down at her. "Because honestly, seeing you be so down is unnerving and I rather see you be your usual self."
Jasper touched her neck. "I don't know how you put up with me, seriously." Jasper sighed. "But how am I going to make it up to her after all of the shit I've done?" Her eyebrows shut down. "I don't think you understand, Peridot. This girl, she...I can't handle her. It's like she's put a spell on me, or something. I feel like a want to hate her, but I can't. She's got me trapped."
Peridot stared at Jasper then adjusted her glasses. Peridot knew Lapis was affecting Jasper but she didn't think to this extent. She never thought Jasper would actually feel any emotions related to love. Peridot found it kind of strange, considering she herself would never let something like that happen to her. "I don't know either. But, if you do find a way and she still talks to you, somewhat." Peridot pulled off a paper hanging off the wall and gave it to Jasper. "Remember school is almost over." The school bell rang and Peridot left Jasper.
She was so angry about the exam she forgot school really was ending, and next year she would probably have to repeat the grade. Jasper stared at the flyer in her hands. Which meant this was her last time with Lapis. She doesn't want to regret not admitting her feelings correctly, so if Lapis really didn't hate her that much, she would ask her to the school dance. And this time, she would ask without hoping too much. That way she wouldn't get angry and force Lapis if she rejected. That way she could finally do the right thing.
She threw the flyer to the floor and walked to the last class of the day. The flyer landed softly on the floor, indicating the time and date three days from now.
Lapis came out of the bathroom when she heard the school bell ring. She had to at least attend the last class. School was ending soon and she didn't want to ruin her grades even more. If she had to deal with Jasper, she would tell her in her face that she didn't like her. She couldn't like someone who was like her.
Lapis arrived at the classroom and sat in her seat, bringing out her notebook and pencil out. She didn't dare look behind to see if Jasper and Peridot sat there. The teacher arrived shortly and started scolding the class for making a ruckus at lunch time, saying fights were not allowed in this school. No one dare say the fight had involved Jasper so they all complied and promised to never do it again.
Jasper sat in her usual seat and she spend the rest of the class staring at the back of Lapis's head.
Class had ended and the students as always left quickly and eagerly. Jasper looked at Peridot and she nodded. Peridot grabbed her things and left the room, not looking back at the empty classroom with two lonely souls.
"Lapis." She just said. Lapis stood up from her chair and looked at her in the eyes with an expressionless face. She looked exactly how when they had first met, in this exact classroom. She continued to speak while walking closer to her. "I'm sorry for kissing you. I'm sorry for trying to hurt Steven. I'm sorry for all the things I've done that have hurt you." Lapis still had the same face. "I'm...not good at dealing with my emotions. Ever since I can remember I've been bigger and stronger than everyone, so I always thought that to get what I wanted I could forcefully take them. But..." She licked her lips. "Meeting you changed that. With you I actually felt happy, but I thought that in order to make you like me I could do what I've always done. But I was wrong. I genuinely like you and I've never felt about anyone this way before." She gripped her fist tightly. "That's why I'm wondering if you could forgive me and...if you would go to the dance with me."
She stopped her monologue and looked at Lapis. She still held the same expression. Uncaring. Unfazed. Decided. Lapis shut her eyes then started to speak.
"I can't like a person like you." Jasper's eyes shot wide open, but Lapis continued to speak.
"I complied with you and Peridot so I could use your popularity to defend myself against people, then after people were scared of me I would try to become more popular than you and win your title. I already knew you liked me before the kiss." Lapis looked down.
"I heard you and Peridot talking. That's when I decided I could use that to ruin your reputation even more. I never hanged around you and Peridot because I actually liked it. Even before you two had spoken to me I already knew how you were, and nothing changed when I actually met you." Lapis clenched her fists and looked back up at Jasper. "I don't care if you like me and that made you change. I don't care if you feel like I've somehow made you redeem yourself and want to become a better person. You are one of the worst people I've ever met. You tried to hurt Steven, the only person in this whole school who ever liked me unconditionally, and do you think I've forgotten all of the horrible things you've said to me? Do you think I care that now you want to help me because you have a crush on me? That I'm supposed to fall for you now cause you're becoming a better person? That I should forgive you?" Lapis sighed and unclenched her fists. "Most of all, do you really think I can believe a monster like you would know what love is? You think you're in love with me, but you're not. You just desire me. And like everything you desire, you want to take it for yourself. But I'm not going to let you."
"I'm done with people manipulating me. I'm tired of being controlled by everyone. You wanted me to stand up to people so I am. I'm standing up to everyone, and I'm standing up to you. For the last time." Lapis grabbed her book bag.
"Like I said the first time, you shouldn't have bothered me. You should have known what was coming for you. So my answer is no."
Lapis left the classroom.
Jasper stared at the empty space where she stood. She had promised she wouldn't overreact and accept Lapis's decision. She understood why Lapis didn't like her, she had good reason to. Lapis was doing everything she could to shield herself from the world. Jasper would finally listen to her words and never bother her again.
Maybe Lapis was right. Jasper must have thought she loved Lapis, but she had never loved anyone. How did she really know that she loved her? And if she really did love Lapis, why was she so mean to her? Why did she treat her so badly? All Jasper felt was an extreme desire to be around the girl, for Lapis to look at her and only her. But that was a completely sadistic and selfish desire, she never once thought about Lapis's feelings.
She only started talking to Lapis because she found her disgusting and weak, then she found out Lapis could actually beat her and was holding her strength. She got obsessed with Lapis, with how she looked and acted, but never thought about who the real Lapis was. The one who had to deal with people making fun of her, bullying her and using her. The one who sat alone at the roof. Jasper only cared about Lapis when she found her interesting. If she really cared about Lapis, she should have helped her. She should have been there for her when people treated her badly. She never bullied Lapis directly, but she was just like them. She never cared about her. It was never love.
Lapis already had enough problems, and she made them worse. Jasper needed to understand her feelings, and if she really loved Lapis the best thing to do was never bother her again. Jasper touched her lips. She could still feel Lapis's soft lips on hers. But it didn't feel good. It felt wrong. She had acted without Lapis's consent. She really was a monster.
She left the school and found Peridot waiting for her. She looked back once last time for the day at the school entrance. School wouldn't end for a couple of days yet but she doubted things between her and Lapis could go back to the way they were. People would probably make rumors about why Lapis had stopped hanging out with them, but after a couple of days they would forget who even Lapis was. Jasper would end her school year by going to her classes and ignoring everyone. Not picking fights or bullying any kids. She had learned from her mistakes. In the beginning she had thought Lapis was weak for hiding herself from the world, but in the end Lapis was actually stronger than her, and she had fooled Jasper. She had won.
She turned back to Peridot and they both left the school grounds together.
That night Jasper had a dream. In the dream she and Lapis were dancing. Their difference in heights did not matter as Jasper led Lapis across the dance floor. She held on to her small delicate hands while she twirled around. Her wavy blue hair would caress her cheeks softly and she had her eyes shut. Jasper had never seen someone so beautiful. She could hear the music coming to an end and in the final count she let Lapis fall on her right hand elegantly. Lapis looked like a sleeping angel, her soft lips closed in a thin line. Jasper could feel herself smiling as she looked at the person she loved most in the world.
Then she felt chains encircling her. They came around like snakes, grabbing hold of her wrists, ankles and torso. She gasped as a last chain came around her neck, making her lose her breath. She had let go of Lapis and she stood in front of her. Her eyes opened, but they had no pupils. They were mirrors, and Jasper could see her surprised reflection on Lapis's eyes.
Jasper felt water on her feet and found the room was getting flooded. She tried to move but the more she struggled the more the chains would bind her. She was drowning, and she could not escape. The water had reached her neck as she took her last breath of air and closed her eyes.
When she opened them she saw Lapis in front of her, free and breathing underwater. She had switched their roles, with Lapis dominating over Jasper. Lapis held Jasper's face and gave her a full kiss on her lips. Jasper thought she was going to stay with her but then Lapis disconnected their lips. She gave Jasper one last smile, her eyebrows turned downwards in a smug grin. Then she floated up away from the water, leaving Jasper chained. Lapis had tricked her. Lapis had betrayed her.
No. Lapis had done what she believed Jasper deserved. She believed Jasper was meant to stay here, chained for eternity, until she truly understood who she was and what she had done. Jasper closed her eyes. Even after all this, she still loved Lapis. Even if Lapis did not love her.
If Lapis wanted her to stay down there forever, she would not struggle and would do what she wanted, once and for all.
