Adapted from the screenplay by Ted Elliott & Terry Rossio

(Pintel & Raggeti are in a longboat, huge relative to their size – because they're laboratory mice – along with the dog with the keys, Poochie)

Raggeti (apparently reading a Bible): Well I say it was divine providence what escaped us from jail.

Pintel (rowing the boat): And I say, it was me bein' clever.

Raggeti: But you're always clever, Brain. That's why everyone calls you "Brain."

Pintel: It's Pintel! We're in a movie, Pinky! We're actors! We're not playing ourselves!

Raggeti: We're not?

Pintel: Next time, why don't you read the script instead of the Bible?

Raggeti: Wait, you mean I'm reading the Bible?

Pintel: Yes. Look at the front cover. (Raggeti looks at the front cover of his book)

Raggeti (gasps): Zounds! You're right! I am reading the Bible!

Pintel: Well, "reading" in the loosest sense of the word.

Raggeti: And here I thought this was Nancy Drew!

Pintel: If Nancy Drew was in the Bible, I'd definitely read it. That would kick serious literary and religious arse. Ain't that right, Poochie? (Poochie goes to the bow of the boat and looks forward)

Raggeti: Hey, Brain, do you think it was divine providence that inspired you to be clever?

Pintel (sarcastically): Oh yes, Pinky. Jesus appeared in my toilet, and I couldn't help but listen to his words of wisdom. (pause) No, Pinky. I'm a supremely intelligent albino domestic strain of Mus musculus resulting from scientific experimentation. We're laboratory mice. Our genes have been spliced.

Raggeti (singing): We're Pinky, we're Pinky, we're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain—!

Pintel (steals Bible, whacks Raggeti with it): Stop it. We have a ship to steal. Do you remember the plan?

Raggeti: Plan?

Pintel: That's what I was afraid of.

Raggeti: Stealing is against my moral code, Brain. I won't do it!

Pintel: It's not stealing. It's salvaging.

Raggeti: But you just said it was stealing.

Pintel: I know that. I'm simply using a different word to produce a different connotation that will make it sound like a more appealing prospect to you.

Raggeti: …What?

Pintel: Never mind. Since when do you care, anyway?

Raggeti: Well, we're not immortal anymore. We gotta take care of our immortal souls.

Pintel: Put the Bible down, Pinky. It's making you crazy.

Raggeti: For your information, I was already crazy!

Pintel: No, you were stupid. There's a difference. Besides, I'm a strong believer in Darwin's theory of evolution. There's too much evidence to deny it.

Raggeti (shocked gasp): Narf! You didn't just say that! Brain! The Kansans heard that! Now they're going to come get you!

Pintel: Kansans, Pinky? Kansans?

Raggeti: It's God's favorite state!

Pintel (uncertain of what to make of Raggeti's statement): …Seriously, now, put the Bible down. (Poochie barks at the shore) Look! There it is!

Raggeti: Kansas?

Pintel: The Black Pearl.

(Poochie jumps overboard and swims toward shore)

Raggeti: What's got into 'im?

Pintel: Must've seen a siluriform. (laughs)

Raggeti (confused): …I don't get it.

Pintel: A catfish, Pinky!

Raggeti (still confused): …I still don't get it.

Pintel: You're hopeless.

Raggeti: Not with God on my side!

Pintel: For His sakes, would you put the Bible down already?!

(suddenly, their boat capsizes on a wave, and they wade ashore)

Pintel (running toward Pearl): Come on! (laughing) It's ours for the taking!

Raggeti: Tide's coming, that should help. Well, salvaging is saving, in a manner of speaking.

Pintel: There's the truth of it!

(cannibal drums sound)

Raggeti (joyous gasp): What luck, Brain! There's a concert going on! Can we go, please?

Pintel: NO. (inspecting ship, Raggeti following him as he circles it) Now, before we start salvaging, let's recapitulate the basic plan. We're taking the Black Pearl because he who controls this ship controls all the teenage girls in the world.

Raggeti: Poit. Why's that?

Pintel: Apparently, swashbucklers have sex appeal, and there is nothing teenage girls like more than people with sex appeal.

Raggeti: Narf!

Pintel: I couldn't have said it better myself. Anyway, once we've won the hearts of the female teenage populace, we will turn them into our own personal army, and with that army, we will march up the steps of Washington, D.C., and take the President's place as rulers of the world!

Raggeti: Egad, Brain, brilliant! Oh, wait, no, no…what if they have a curfew?

Pintel: Once again, it's Pintel. And if they do, we'll just have them say that this part of a school project.

Raggeti: What are they being graded on?

Pintel: It's not a school project, Pinky. Now, come, Raggeti, we have a ship to salvage.