-Tell Me Tomorrow-

'But they all didn't see

the little bit of sadness in me.'

-Chapter Nine: Satio-

Ichigo threw himself onto his living room couch, sighing heavily and closing his eyes. He was exhausted, his brain on overdrive from school. The chemistry project had gone well and Ichigo was planning on heading over to Gin's in a bit to hang out with the gang. He frowned when he realized he had to work tomorrow afternoon, but he felt a bit better after he realized that Grimmjow would be working as well and they wouldn't have had time to see each other anyway.

Lunch had been like every other day, the group of delinquents picking on and joking with the orange-haired vizard and Ichigo wondered if Grimmjow would admit what was going on between them to his closest friends. Gin was constantly smirking, more than usual, anyway, and it made Ichigo wonder if Grimmjow had clued him in over the phone or through text messages. Gin had pretty much known from the beginning anyway. It didn't bother him. Honestly neither of them really knew what they were doing or what to expect, so Ichigo felt more secure in the knowledge that it was for them to decide together whether to tell anyone or not.

Which made Ichigo remember Karin and the night before:

"Karin."

Karin continued to glare from her spot on the front stoop, her arms folded over her knees, her posture intimidating. It was ridiculous, but Ichigo suddenly felt afraid of his little sister.

"Karin, say something."

Ichigo wasn't stupid. She had seen. She had possibly seen everything, and it was Ichigo's own fault for being so carefree and reckless only moments before. He had known it was stupid, especially when his family was still in the dark as to his sexuality. He had never brought a girlfriend home. Hell, he had never really brought anyone home, friend or otherwise. What his sister had seen would be more than enough to confuse the thirteen year-old.

She finally stood up, her dark eyes piercing his own, "You're disgusting."

Ichigo stiffened and watched his little sister open the front door to the house and disappear inside, slamming the door behind her. His mouth was hanging open slightly, the chilly air stabbing at his lungs.

He had expected something along those lines, but it still hurt. It HURT.

Ichigo took a few steps backward, suddenly uneasy to walk into his own home. Anger and shame washed over him, pooling in his belly and making him want to throw up. His little sister had just said he was disgusting. DISGUSTING.

Disgusting. An adjective. Causing disgust; offensive to the physical, moral, or aesthetic taste. Synonymous with loathsome, sickening, nauseous, repulsive, revolting, repugnant, abhorrent, detestable.

Ichigo would have rather been hit. He took a shaky breath and walked inside, heading straight for his room. He showered soon after, scrubbing his skin raw as he repeated the word over and over again in his mind.

Disgusting. Disgusting. You're disgusting.

Ichigo turned off the water and toweled off, rage leaving a bad taste in the back of his throat. He changed quickly into his pajamas before laying in his bed for over an hour, staring at the ceiling.

Karin's dark eyes were in his mind, hurting him. YOU'RE DISGUSTING.

Isshin never came in to check on him and didn't act any differently the next morning, leaving early for the clinic. Ichigo wondered why Karin hadn't told him. It made him feel worse that she hadn't.

DISGUSTING.

Ichigo opened his eyes, sitting up off the couch and running a hand over his face before deciding he needed a snack. He wandered to the kitchen and had just opened a package of potato chips when he heard the front door open followed by the sounds of a happy Yuzu and her automatic wheelchair.

"ICHI-NII!" she said, rounding the corner to stare lovingly at her big brother.

"Hey, Jitter bug," Ichigo said, ruffling her hair and listening to her blabber on about a coloring sheet she had done at school that day and how she had impressed the teacher. Karin walked in a moment later, meeting his eyes before looking away and adjusting her backpack strap.

"Come on, Yuz, time for your bath," she said sullenly, continuing on her way without another look at her brother.

Ichigo's brow furrowed, suddenly not hungry anymore. He set the bag on the counter as Yuzu's chair chased after her sister, and new righteous anger flared up in him.

How dare she say something so cruel? How dare she judge him?

He didn't want to think about it anymore. He hustled upstairs to grab a thick striped sweater and a black scarf, throwing them on as he descended the stairs two at a time and headed out the door. The crisp cool air made him feel better almost immediately.

XXX

"Wha's wrong?" Gin asked the moment Ichigo took his usual spot on the couch.

He hadn't been there more than sixty seconds and already the silver-haired dealer was honing in on his mood, "Nothing."

Gin cocked his head to the side, "Mah, if ya say so."

Ichigo was glad he dropped it, his mind beginning to wander with the soft music that was constantly playing in Gin's apartment, the smell of old books, leather, and bancha tea calming him.

"Ya hungry?" Gin offered, closing a green paperback novel that had been balanced on one of his knees. Ichigo flicked his eyes to the cover. 'WALDEN' by some guy named Thoreau.

"A little," Ichigo admitted, his stomach having regained its appetite from the furious walk over. He always took walks when he was feeling frustrated, and by the time he reached his destination, he was usually a little more relaxed. Gin's apartment was no different. If anything, it was his new hiding place.

"Good. Nnoitra's bringin' pizza," Gin said, folding up his glasses and setting them to the side before stretching his arms above his head, his white vintage tee riding up and exposing a strip of flat waist and a double black ball bellybutton piercing, "Grimm and Shiro are comin' too."

Ichigo nodded, tinkering with the British tea set on the coffee table and pouring himself a cup. It was practically a ritual at this point, "Good job on your chemistry project, by the way."

Gin smiled, "It was fun. Shuhei's a good kid."

"You like him?" Ichigo asked, smiling from behind his cup as he took a sip.

"A lot," Gin admitted, picking up his own cup of tea.

"Have you two…?"

"Nah," Gin said, chuckling, "I guess I'm not his type, ne?"

The conversation was halted as the apartment door opened and a cussing Nnoitra sauntered in with a pouting Shirosaki followed by Grimmjow.

"Back the fuck off!" Nnoitra snarled, trying to balance two large pizza boxes, "Fuck, I told'ya yer not gettin' any until we're all here!"

"We're all here now!" Shirosaki cried, tugging on Nnoitra's shirt, "Come on, have pity! For fuck's sake, I haven't eaten all day!"

"Shut the fuck up!"

"Boys, chill it," Grimmjow commanded, sighing as he ran a hand through his hair and plopped down on the couch next to Ichigo. Ichigo shifted almost nervously as their knees brushed against each other, making Gin smirk as Nnoitra and Shiro carried on dramatically.

After consuming both pizzas, a dozen beers, and three joints and more than several cigarettes, the boys turned on a movie filled with swords, gore, and semi-nude warrior chicks. Ichigo thought he might be physically ill during the two sex scenes, which Nnoitra and Shirosaki whistled at and made derogatory comments. Ichigo couldn't help comparing the leading male to Grimmjow, and the more he did that, the more he felt flustered. His dick was throbbing as he watched the sweat on the man's back on the screen, the camera panning out as the woman moaned in ecstasy. Ichigo didn't care about the woman. It was the man, and all Ichigo could see in his head was blue hair instead of black, tattoos instead of scars, dirty Japanese instead of dirty English.

Ichigo knew his face was hot, but Grimmjow had shifted his leg to touch his, and his arms were draped behind him on the edge of the couch. To the other boys, it looked like he was chilled and relaxing, but to Ichigo, it felt like a glaring bright-lighted sign saying 'Look at me! Look at me! I'm gay for the Strawberry!'

Ichigo excused himself to the bathroom, avoiding Gin's all-knowing grin.

XXX

Ichigo sat on the toilet seat, completely disgusted with himself. He'd just locked the door, unbuttoned his jeans and whipped out his cock. He'd closed his eyes, imagined Grimmjow moving like that, acting like that, looking like that, and he'd come so quickly and violently his legs had nearly given out beneath him. A dribble of cum was currently drying on the wall in front of him and dirtied his palms. He had collapsed on the toilet seat, breathing evenly as he stared at the dirty wall.

Grimmjow. Grimmjow…fuck.

He felt his dick stiffen slightly again and he felt a murderous blush creep up his neck and into his face as he held in a moan. No, no there was no way he could get hard again…

Shit.

His fist moved quickly in jerky movements with no rhythm as he tried to pound another one out before the boys began to wonder why he had been in there so long. He could still hear the loud blaring noise of the movie, some kind of action scene. He heard a battle cry and chose that moment to moan out loud, hissing as he dirtied his hands further.

"Dammit."

He stood up quickly and washed his hands, wiping up the wall and circling the bathroom to make sure nothing looked weird or out of place. He flushed the toilet and went back to the living room, a hand over his stomach.

"Drink too much, berry?" Shirosaki leered, knowing full-well Ichigo had only had three beers.

"Fuck you," Ichigo said, making his way back to the couch with a scowl.

"Bet he's constipated," Nnoitra added, lighting another cigarette as blood splattered across the screen and a decapitated head rolled to the side, "Cheese pizza will do that 'ta ya."

Shirosaki giggled with laughter before focusing back on the screen, commenting on how the entrails of a dead body looked fake. Ichigo swallowed: what the fuck would Shirosaki have to compare it to? Had he disemboweled somebody recently?

His cruel sneering laughter at the next death on the screen had Ichigo thoroughly convinced that he never wanted to run into Shirosaki in a dark alley.

XXX

They left after the movie, Grimmjow claiming he had to babysit that night for a change and Ichigo allowed about fifteen minutes from Grimmjow's departure before throwing out that he had to finish up some math homework. Nnoitra grunted at him, wondering why he allowed himself to hang around nerds and Shirosaki had left before Grimmjow.

"Be careful, Ichi," Gin said, nodding towards his friend as he placed a cigarette behind his ear, "The streets are scary at night."

Ichigo nodded, surprised at Gin's concern. But then again, if Gin was really concerned, he would have offered to walk him home, right? Or had it been more of a warning? Was he aware of Renji being in the area recently, or was it just the general are being known for creepers at night? It wasn't the worst area of town, but it was by no means the safest either.

But Ichigo was a big boy. He didn't need to analyze Gin's words. He knew how to take care of himself. If he ran into Renji, he'd prove it this time.

The second he was off of Gin's block, he pulled out his cell, pressing speed dial 6.

"Yo," Grimmjow answered right away, "I wasn't kidding. I'm really watching the girls tonight."

"Oh," Ichigo said, feeling like a moron.

There was a pause, and then, "…Wanna come over?"

Ichigo's stomach flip-flopped. It was already eight o'clock, and the girls couldn't possibly stay up too much later due to their day care center and their ages. Ichigo knew Kenpachi was a laid-back dad but he was also strict when it came to health and wellness. That meant…a lot of downtime alone with Grimmjow.

"Yah," Ichigo answered, turning down another street.

"Just got here," Grimmjow said, the line sounding like he had just rattled his keys and opened a door, "just come in when ya get here. I'll leave it unlocked."

"Okay," Ichigo said, feeling desire pool in his groin again.

"Cool." And he hung up.

Ichigo didn't want to admit that he walked much, much faster after that.

XXX

Kenpachi had left by the time Ichigo got there, thank the gods. He didn't think he could handle the imposing man when he knew Grimmjow was supposed to be babysitting. Would Kenpachi have cared that he had a friend over, or would he have pissed off?

Ichigo didn't want to find out, and thankfully he didn't have to.

He walked in, surprised at how warm it was inside. The heater had obviously been turned on, and Ichigo hadn't realized how cold it was outside. He quickly shed his jacket, however, afraid of overheating. He'd already removed his shoes and decided his socks needed to go as well. Right when he had righted himself and ran a hair through his rebellious locks, he heard a giggle from the direction of the kitchen.

Ichigo padded over the tile quietly, looking into the small but cozy kitchen and feeling his heart twist again.

Yachiru and Nel were currently sitting on the edge of the rather tall countertop, no doubt able to be up there thanks to Grimmjow. They were swinging their legs while they held small bowls of ice cream, licking at their spoons like little monsters. Grimmjow had just accepted a bite from Nel's outstretched spoon, and Ichigo, in that moment, wanted nothing more than to be that damn spoon.

God, how pathetic. I'm jealous of a bloody spoon.

Nel held up the spoon again and this time Grimmjow took it, but instead of eating it, he brushed it up against Nel's tiny upturned nose, making her squeal with delight as the chocolate ice cream tingled against her skin.

"That's for getting cookie dough on me," Grimmjow chuckled, taking the spoon again and eating the rest of it this time before announcing that the girl's had had their snacks and were officially ready for bed.

"But Grimmy, we need a STORY!" Yachiru objected, holding her spoon up like a tyrant, "You PROMISED us a bedtime story, you PROMISED."

"Alright alright," Grimmjow said, sighing as he leaned against the countertop near them. Ichigo moved back against the hallway, still unready to be seen.

"Once upon a time…" Grimmjow began, obviously racking his brain for ideas, "There was a beautiful young princess."

"Oh oh! Did she have pink hair?" Yachiru asked.

"No," Grimmjow said, making Yachiru pout, "it was green, a green like the sea. She was a princess of the sea, with grey eyes that shimmered like great storms."

"Wow!" Nel said in awe, "That sounds like…like, ME!"

Grimmjow chuckled, "Are you guys gonna listen or not?"

"Listen! Listen!" they both exclaimed, making Ichigo hold back a snort. They were adorable, even when they were interrupting a good story.

"This little princess of the sea was beautiful, and her laugh was like the sun. Anybody that met her instantly fell in love with her," Grimmjow continued, making one of the girls squeal. Maybe Grimmjow had tickled Nel or something, "but the princess was lonely, because her mother, the sea witch, kept her locked away in a castle, a castle far away from the sea."

"Oh NO!" Yachiru cried, sounding outraged, "That's…that's not right! Grimmy, why would she do that?"

"Because her love had left her," Grimmjow continued, his voice grave, "She had once been a good sea witch, beautiful and strong, filled with life, but when her love left her, she grew cold, her heart shrinking and shrinking until she could not even look at her beautiful princess daughter anymore. So she locked her away and left her, all alone."

"That's…that's so SAD," Yachiru hiccupped, obviously about ready to cry.

Ichigo breathed in through his nose, closing his eyes. He wasn't stupid. Grimmjow wasn't telling a silly fairy tale.

"But it gets better," Grimmjow said, his voice low, like he was telling them a secret, "The princess cried, all alone in her tower, wishing to go back to the sea. She missed her mother terribly, but her mother never heard her cries, but somebody else did."

"A knight in shining aww-mor?" Nel said in her unmistakable lisp.

"Not quite. A beast of the forest heard her crying, day in and day out. He was a scary beast, a ferocious animal that terrified the woods. He was called evil and shunned by the humans, but he had always been alone, so he didn't understand why the princess cried."

"Did he try to EAT her?" Yachiru gasped.

"He had wanted to. He thought that maybe if he ate her, she would stop being so sad. Why live if you are afraid? He went to the tower, scaling the tall walls with his sharp claws. It wasn't easy; it took him a very long time," Grimmjow paused for breath, the girls and Ichigo hanging on his every word, "but when he heard the princess cry and saw her tears, he continued to climb. He wanted to save her, to take her away from the tower and the scary woods. He wanted to take her back to the ocean, where she belonged, where she would be happy."

"Did he make it?" Nel asked, "Did he save the princess?"

"When he made it to the top and crawled into the chambers on his great predator paws, she was not even afraid of him. She smiled at him, welcomed him, and it melted the beast's heart. He took her away from that awful place, carrying her on his back through forests and fields and rocky mountains until they reached the endless sea."

"But what about the sea witch? What did she do?" Yachiru interrupted again, sounding perplexed.

"She was gone. Forever. Her sadness had turned her into mist," Grimmjow practically whispered, but he said it with conviction, "And the little sea princess lived happily ever after in her beloved sea, the beast forever guarding its shores, protecting her for all of eternity, never to leave her alone again."

"WOW!" Nel said, clapping her hands, "That's the best story you've ever told, Grimmy! This is my favorite one EVER!"

"Me too!" Yachiru said dubiously, bowls clattering as they were placed in the kitchen sink.

Ichigo, feeling like he had just invaded something extremely personal, slinked back towards the front door and open and closed it a little more loudly, picking up his jacket and holding it before setting it down again, looking up when he saw Grimmjow had come out of the kitchen, peaking down the hall to see the orange head.

"Hey," he called, a hand on the doorframe of the kitchen, "I'm putting them to bed. You can chill in the living room if you want."

"Who's that? Who's that?" Yachiru and Nel exclaimed, racing around Grimmjow's side to peak at the strawberry.

The girls got excited and ran over to him, fussing over him and asking him a million questions before Grimmjow got them settled down again and walked them both up the stairs to tuck them in. Grimmjow talked to them softly, asking them to keep it a secret from 'daddy Kenny' that Grimmjow had invited a 'friend over for homework.'

Yeah, like two six year old girls were going to keep that under lock and key.

Ichigo was slightly worried for his physical well-being as he pictured Kenpachi getting upset about him being over when Grimmjow was supposed to be babysitting, but realistically, how mad could he get? The girls were going to bed, it would be quiet, and Grimmjow would be bored to tears, right? There, problem obliterated.

It seemed like ages before Grimmjow reappeared again, Ichigo drinking in his simple attire that Ichigo hadn't gotten to see at Gin's thanks to his black hoodie.

A vintage baby-blue tee with white lettering fading off of the front and torn-up jeans with a black belt. He ran a hand over his face as he made it to the bottom of the stairs, yawning, "Ya up for some Playstation?"

"Always," Ichigo said, unable to help smiling at his newest obsession. Grimmjow was quickly becoming dangerously addictive.

"Cool, pick something out and I'm gonna make popcorn," he announced, disappearing into the kitchen while Ichigo busied himself at the living room console, looking at the small stack of games. He assumed most of them were Kenpachi's, as they were all fighting, boxing, and wrestling games. There was a racing one, but they were all games Ichigo had played into oblivion.

To be honest, he didn't really feel like playing.

Well, not video games, anyway.

"Did'ja pick something?" Grimmjow asked a moment later, startling Ichigo and making him turn to stare at the bluenette. He was holding a bowl of popcorn, popping a handful into his mouth and chewing thoughtfully.

"Nah," Ichigo said, getting up and approaching the popcorn bowl and sticking his hand into it and taking some, "To be honest, I've played those games so many times I'd be bored to tears."

Grimmjow snorted, licking his thumb of butter. Ichigo felt his dick stir at the simple motion, "So what? Another movie?"

"Sure," Ichigo agreed.

XXX

Grimmjow had put in some foreign film that Ichigo had never heard of. The subtitles were in Japanese, but it was starting to hurt his brain. He had always hated subtitles, and he'd never heard the language before. Grimmjow laughed at the jokes, or what Ichigo assumed were jokes.

Grimmjow looked at him a few times, noticing Ichigo was squinting awfully hard at the screen, "It's a really popular German comedy. S'not so funny in Japanese, huh?"

"That's German?" Ichigo said, pondering, "I was wondering why they sounded so angry."

Grimmjow leered at him, "Yah, it is kind of a rough language. 'I love you' sounds like you want to beat the shit out of somebody."

Ichigo snorted, his face heating up at the thought of Grimmjow saying such sentimental words, "Obviously you understand it."

Grimmjow rolled his eyes, "Didn't figure it out from Jaegerjaques, huh? I'm half Japanese, raised in both languages. My old man was a stubborn bastard, although he did speak in Japanese once in a while because my mother always yelled at him."

Ichigo smiled, imagining a young Grimmjow spouting off nonsense in German and Japanese at school, confusing the kids, "That's cool. I wish I knew more than Japanese."

"You have the highest grades in English," Grimmjow reminded him, surprising Ichigo, "I think that counts, ne?"

Ichigo felt his neck and face brighten, sick of blushing so much in one fucking day. He wasn't some love struck chick, but he couldn't help it when Grimmjow looked at him like that. All deep, like he was staring at something he wanted to understand and possess. Ichigo liked both of those aspects.

"I've seen this movie a dozen times," Grimmjow murmured, turning the TV off with the remote before leaning towards Ichigo, "And they should be asleep by now."

Ichigo felt something akin to panic rocket up his spine as he lost feeling in his legs, "I was watching that."

"No you weren't," Grimmjow smirked, fisting the front of Ichigo's shirt and tugging him closer, "You were watchin' me."

"True," Ichigo admitted, deciding the combination of Grimmjow's too-blue eyes with his scent that was straddled somewhere between spicy and sexy had worked against him.

"You jacked off at Gin's, didn't you?"

Ichigo stiffened, wishing Grimmjow's hands weren't on him, that his breath wasn't in his face and his smell wasn't in his brain and muddling everything up. What the fuck was this? An interrogation?

But why lie? Why, at this stage in the game? There was no point. "Y-yeah. Twice."

Grimmjow lifted a slim blue eyebrow, assessing Ichigo's flushed face, making Ichigo wish he could melt through the couch, which he probably would, if Grimmjow didn't stop staring at him like that.

"I did last night. Four times," Grimmjow said, releasing the front of Ichigo's shirt and making Ichigo want to whine in frustration. Why was Grimmjow telling him this? Were they admitting that they were hot for each other? Well that was obvious. It kind of flattered Ichigo though, to think that thoughts of him had made Grimmjow come four times.

"Every day," Ichigo continued, feeling bold, like they were playing a game of twenty questions, "I imagine you every day, at least three times a day."

Grimmjow's face was unreadable, his weight shifting on the couch as he ran a hand through his hair, "Dammit, this sounds so fucked up."

"But it's true," Ichigo murmured, feeling a bit deflated. They weren't official, although Grimmjow had implied they were boyfriends, he had said he didn't like the sound of it. Ichigo didn't care what they labeled it; all he knew was that eventually they would be lovers. Ichigo had no doubt in his mind that he wanted Grimmjow, wanted his body as much as he wanted his mind, his sarcasm, his intelligence. The whole deal, the complete package. He should have felt like a fool, should have felt a bit of shame, but damn it, he didn't. He didn't feel anything at all unless he was with this blue-haired delinquent.

Ichigo, feeling bold, crawled closer to Grimmjow and carefully brushed his lips against his, shouting for joy internally when Grimmjow sighed softly and kissed back. It built and built, making a familiar tightness coil in the pit of his stomach and groin, his heart thundering like hundreds of horse hooves as he pulled Grimmjow closer to him, allowing himself to fall back as Grimmjow took the hint.

Ichigo arched his back against the seat cushions of the couch as he felt Grimmjow's weight on top of him, his not-so-subtle erection digging into Ichigo's hip as Grimmjow continued to battle Ichigo's tongue. They sucked and nipped, Grimmjow's hips beginning to rotate in small, sensual circles that had Ichigo's blood on fire. One of his legs wrapped around Grimmjow just below his ass, his hips coming up to meet Grimmjow's.

Grimmjow moaned, a guttural animal sound that had Ichigo's heart fluttering faster, their breathing becoming more ragged.

They broke apart for air, Ichigo beyond ecstatic when he felt Grimmjow's tongue trace along his jaw, down his neck and across his pulse point, his teeth beginning to nip as he descended past the Adam's apple to lave at Ichigo's collar bone.

Excitement made Ichigo buck his hips, making Grimmjow hiss as their erections encountered each other.

"Your skin," Grimmjow husked, one of his hands running along his shirt hemline and disappearing beneath it to glide along his ribcage, "Fuck, I wanna lick you all over."

Ichigo moaned as Grimmjow trailed off into hushed German, and for once in his life, Ichigo wished he had learned the language. He was certain that no matter what language Grimmjow spoke, it would be the same, sexy as sin.

Ichigo gasped as he felt his shirt being lifted higher, up to his collarbone, Grimmjow's hands mapping his torso as his tongue descended to one pert nipple. Ichigo undulated his hips, unable to control himself. If Grimmjow licked him like that again, he'd buck him right off of the couch.

No such luck. Grimmjow did continue the assault on his nipples, but his arms were like iron bars, keeping him in place. If he couldn't fight Grimmjow's mouth, he could certainly fight Grimmjow's cock.

He began to rock his hips gently, trying not to cry out as pleasure rocketed through his system. Grimmjow hissed again, his teeth scraping along Ichigo's abs and making him moan.

"S-stop," Ichigo breathed, his voice deep with lust, "P-please stop."

Grimmjow looked at him with dark eyes, "What?"

The authoritative tone in his voice only made Ichigo harder, "We can't…I can't…if you keep…fuck."

Ichigo pushed against Grimmjow's chest, suddenly desperate to get away from him. The fire was still spreading, although it was dulled now, like he had turned down the flame on a stove.

"What?" Grimmjow repeated, and Ichigo realized how feral he looked. It was like he had just taken a kill away from a rabid wolf.

Ichigo bit his bottom lip, gaining courage. Fuck, he wanted Grimmjow so bad it physically hurt, but his mind was screaming at him right now that he needed to be very careful. Very, very careful.

His voice was even as he looked at Grimmjow, huffing a breath, "I want you to fuck me."

Grimmjow's eyes went from dark to startled at the flick of a switch, his arms tensing visibly as he hovered over Ichigo. He didn't say anything, so Ichigo continued, "I've never done anything like this before, but I've read about it. I know what I want you to do to me, but I need to know that you want it too. I want you, all of you, and for that to happen, I need you inside me."

Ichigo had expected a lot of things, but the last thing he had expected was a slap across the face.

Stunned. He was stunned.

The physical pain didn't even dawn on him. It was the raw HURT and ANGER that made his head reel. Had it really happened? Sure, they'd punched each other before. Hell, they'd given each other a nice collection of bruises since they'd met and been so confused, but for some reason Ichigo found the slap to be more damaging than anything Grimmjow had ever done before.

IT HURTS. IT HURTS. IT HURTS. I HURT.

Grimmjow looked more stunned than Ichigo felt; like Ichigo had hit him and not the other way around. He was breathing hard, his eyes glazed, "Sorry. I'm so sorry. Sorry…"

Ichigo batted his hands away, unable to speak.

IT HURTS. IT HURTS. DISGUSTING. YOU'RE DISGUSTING.

"Stop," Ichigo ordered, managing to shift enough of Grimmjow's weight to roll off of the couch and crouch at the side, trying to find enough energy to inhale. He needed air. There was no air. Why weren't his lungs working?

YOU'RE DISGUSTING.

Karin had been right. Karin was always right. She was so smart, so so smart. Being disgusting hurts.

"I'm sorry," Grimmjow repeated stupidly, finally moving off of the couch and trying to touch Ichigo's arm, "I'm so, so, so sorry, Ichigo."

"Don't. Touch," Ichigo said, slapping his hand, his eyes as hard as diamonds, "Me. Don't touch me."

Grimmjow ran his hands over his face before gripping at the back of his neck, as if stroking the tense muscles there, "Ichigo, please believe me. I…"

"Fuck you," Ichigo growled, noticing the clock on top of the TV. It glowed neon red, the numbers flipping to 10: 58. He couldn't be here. He didn't want to be here.

I HAVE TO GO. NO MORE HURTING. IT HURTS. IT'S DISGUSTING.

"I didn't fucking mean it," Grimmjow snarled, "Fuck, Ichigo, you don't know shit, you don't know what's in my fucking head. I'm fucking scared."

Ichigo whipped his head around, his face unbelieving, "What'd'you think about me? You think I know everything? You think I'm not scared shitless about you? You could have said no. You could have pushed me away, said anything you wanted, but you didn't. You hit me and it fucking hurts."

Ichigo got up, stumbling towards the front door, his eyes going in and out of focus as he tried to grab his shoes.

"It hurts for me too!" Grimmjow suddenly snarled close to his ear, his chest pressed to Ichigo's back, making Ichigo crumble to the floor. How dramatic.

Ichigo snorted, hating himself. Tears were stinging his eyes like a thousand needles, the tears streaming down his cheeks.

So HOT. HOT. IT HURTS. DISGUSTING. PAIN.

"Disgusting," Ichigo said angrily, trying to shove Grimmjow off of him, but he wouldn't let go, his arms holding onto him even as Ichigo folded his body forward, his forehead nearly touching the tiled floor. He was on his knees, his head nearly to the floor. He felt like he was praying to an ancient shrine. He closed his eyes and imagined what he would pray for.

I DON'T WANT TO BE DISGUSTING. I DON'T WANT TO HURT.

"What's disgusting?" Grimmjow asked, not sounding nearly as angry as before.

Ichigo suppressed a sob, his tears forming a lake on the tile, "I am."

"What?"

"I'm disgusting," Ichigo said softly, his breathing all wrong, "Disgusting. I'm so disgusting."

"What the fuck? No you're not."

"She said so," Ichigo said, fighting sudden hysteria, "and she was right."

"Who was right? Ichigo, what's going on?"

Ichigo sat up slowly, letting out a sob and unable to speak. He had meant to, but he couldn't find the words, not when he couldn't breathe. His lungs refused to work properly.

"Oh Ichi."

Grimmjow released his hold, only to mold himself behind Ichigo, his arms wrapping under his arms and clinging to his torso like he would never let go. He rested his head on Ichigo's shoulder, making Ichigo cry harder.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Grimmjow began chanting, rocking them steadily as Ichigo gave up trying to control himself. He continued to cry. He cried until he felt absolutely exhausted. It could have been minutes, it could have been hours, but Grimmjow's warmth never left him, and Ichigo felt like the delinquent was the only person binding him to the earth.

XXX

He must have passed out because when he woke up, he was lying comfortably on the couch, his head on a green throw pillow. He looked around with stinging eyes, his vision finally clearing enough for him to make out the numbers on the digital clock. 3:49 a.m.

"Oh god," Ichigo sat up, running his hands over his face before hunting in his pocket for his cell phone. His father had probably called the cops by now. He'd never be trusted again. He'd never overstepped his curfew boundaries, even if there was no school in the morning.

He looked around, hoping he had left it on the coffee table, but it wasn't there. Confused, he got up and froze, wondering if Kenpachi had come home to see him in such a miserable state. Where was Grimmjow?

Ichigo shifted from foot to foot, not knowing what to do.

"You're awake," Grimmjow said softly, appearing out of the hallway's darkness and making Ichigo's hair stand on end.

"I need my phone," Ichigo said impatiently, gripping the front of his shirt and twisting it in his hands, "I need to call home."

"I called at midnight," Grimmjow said, holding out Ichigo's cell phone, "You were exhausted. Told him that you were spending the night because it was so late."

Ichigo took the phone, careful not to brush fingers with him, "T-thank you."

Grimmjow nodded, not knowing what to say.

Ichigo decided to ask, "Kenpachi?"

Grimmjow shook his head negatively, "When he, uh, goes out, he doesn't come back until late morning."

"Oh," Ichigo took the hint, wondering who Kenpachi's lover was. He should have figured it out, considering out of all the times he'd been over recently he had never encountered Yachiru's mother, and the one time Kenpachi had mentioned her he had said she lived to make his life a living hell.

Ichigo didn't want to be there, staring at Grimmjow, who had witnessed him have an emotional breakdown. But it was nearly four o'clock in the morning, and even Ichigo didn't want to be out on the streets at that time, even if it did mean getting away from Grimmjow.

If he was being completely honest with himself, he didn't want to be away from Grimmjow. He just wanted to understand Grimmjow. That was all.

"I heard your story," Ichigo heard himself say, wondering where he was going with this train of thought.

Grimmjow looked at him, his arms folded over his chest as he made himself comfortable by leaning his weight against the doorframe, "What story?"

"The Sea Princess," Ichigo said, looking down at his toes, "you're the beast, right? The destroyer, the protector?"

Grimmjow didn't respond, so Ichigo continued, "You're not a monster, Grimmjow. The princess didn't fear the beast, even though he could have eaten her. She trusted him, didn't she?"

"It's just a story," Grimmjow said, his voice thick.

"It's your story. And Nel's."

"Maybe," Grimmjow said, his blue eyes looking almost silver in the partial light.

They stood in silence for a couple of minutes before Grimmjow finally spoke.

"You're not disgusting."

Ichigo stiffened, listening to him speak. He loved his voice. He could listen to it all day.

"I don't know who said that to you, but they're wrong. They don't know you."

Ichigo smiled a thin smile, feeling sick, "She knows me very well. She's my sister."

XXX

Grimmjow stared at Ichigo, unbelieving. There was no way Yuzu would ever say something like that to her beloved brother, so that left the dark-haired, silent demon, Karin.

"Why would she say something like that?" Grimmjow said, not letting his eyes leave Ichigo's face.

Ichigo ran a hand over his face, still smiling softly, "She saw us last night. She saw you kiss me. No, what she really saw was her older brother ENJOY a kiss from another boy. She looked so mad. I've never seen her look at me like that before, ever, even when we've had a fight. But you know what's worse? She didn't tell anybody. My dad's still oblivious, and Yuzu can't really understand…"

Grimmjow crossed the room, careful to stay far back enough to not frighten him. Grimmjow wasn't sure if he should touch him, not after what he had done. He was thankful that Ichigo's face hadn't bruised; his insides were churning over the thought. He had felt bile rise in his throat at what he had done. He'd been literally ill after realizing what he had done and Ichigo had pushed away from him to get off of the couch. His mother's words had come to him in that moment.

"I see Dietrich Jaegerjaques in you, boy."

He'd slapped Ichigo like his father had slipped him years ago, before he could fight back. He'd never felt so sick, had never wanted to run to Gin's more in his life and ask for the strongest narcotic he had. Of course Gin would never give it to him, but the thought had been there, dark and deep and disgusting.

DISGUSTING. I'M DISGUSTING.

NO, Grimmjow thought, staring at Ichigo. I'm not disgusting. He's not disgusting. He's perfect.

"Don't think like that," Grimmjow said, his fingers twitching to reach out and grab Ichigo's hand, "She's a little kid. She's confused. She doesn't know how perfect you are."

Ichigo stared at him with wide eyes, eyes like a doe in the headlights. Unbelieving eyes. Unbelieving of what he was saying…or unbelieving because it was HIM saying it?

"You're perfect," Grimmjow repeated, finally reaching out and taking one of Ichigo's hands, holding it softly, like he might break the smaller teen, "You're gorgeous and intelligent; you worry about your family more than you worry about yourself. You study hard and ignore your own wants and needs to make other people happy. You're anything BUT disgusting, Ichigo."

Ichigo just breathed, his eyes searching Grimmjow's, his fingers finally gripping his hand more securely.

"Can I stay with you?" Ichigo whispered, making Grimmjow's heart clench in his chest.

God, when had he fallen so hard for the berry? It wasn't just his body, or his eyes, or his wit or intelligence. There was something else, something emotional that Grimmjow couldn't touch, that he'd never had. Not with him mom, never with his dad, not even with his little sister.

"You're not a monster."

Grimmjow moved closer, placing his other hand carefully on the side of Ichigo's neck, kissing him softly on the lips, praying that Ichigo wouldn't pull away from him.

Ichigo shuddered against him, making Grimmjow suck in a breath. Grimmjow said nothing, he didn't need to. He carefully pulled away, still clutching Ichigo's hand fiercely, like if he let go, he would disappear. He took Ichigo up the flight of stairs, both of them being quiet as Grimmjow opened his bedroom door and closed it behind them.

XXX

Ichigo shifted in the bed restlessly, clad in his boxers and his shirt. He'd just woken from another dream, a dream he couldn't remember now. Grimmjow was snoring softly beside him, his arm tossed over Ichigo, his wrist on Ichigo's hipbone. Ichigo stared at him for a few minutes, willing himself to go back to sleep.

Nothing had happened. When Grimmjow had closed the door behind them, he'd led Ichigo to the bed, sliding in first himself, then waited for Ichigo. Ichigo had crawled in, allowing Grimmjow to hold him close, fold him into his heat. Ichigo had liked that. Liked that a lot. It hadn't been the right time for kisses or fucks.

They hadn't had sex, but what was happening, what was real in those late hours, was so much more intimate, so much more frightening.

Sex was expendable. It was possible to live without sex.

You can fuck and walk away, you can kiss and forget, but you can't hold someone in the late hours of the night, not having the words to express what you mean to each other because you're afraid that it will all disappear in a cloud of smoke and leave you breathless. You can't lay next to someone, breathing their air and holding them close, your chest constricting at the mere thought of ever losing them, because if you do, you're afraid you'll lose a part of yourself. Touching souls: the scariest shit you will ever accomplish in your existence. The few that have done it will probably agree. It's scary, yes, but it's thrilling and new and makes you breathe better and think on a grander scale. You stop worrying about your petty problems and look to that other soul, the other soul that is so much a part of your own that you have trouble distinguishing between the two. Scary. Terrifying. Frightening. But so worth it.

Ichigo cuddled closer into Grimmjow's side, his forehead practically melding with Grimmjow's chest. He counted Grimmjow's heartbeats, wishing that they could be infinite.

He was so comfortable, so happy. He sighed deeply, closing his eyes and allowing his conscience to rest.

Comfortable. Happy.

About two weeks later, on Christmas Eve, those feelings would be ripped away from him.