Welcome back, readers! It's time for more Shadow! Please hold all squeals until after the chapter.
Episode 9: (Relation)Ship of DOOOOOOM!
Somewhere in an asteroid belt, an armada of potato ships fought against a single Metarex ship floating towards them. One soldier in a potato cried, "It's the EvilShip!"
"No! I'm Scarship!" declared the Metarex as he shot the potato that soldier was in.
"Wow, we really suck." another soldier remarked bluntly. "But we can still fight back! Fire at will!" The ships turned onto another potato and demolished it. "No! Not Will! I meant at EvilShip!"
The Metarex ship shouted furiously, "I told you, my name is SCARSHIP!" He rapidly fired at several potatoes, exploding each of them.
"Ok, we can't fight back." notified a soldier to the others. "RETREAT!" But as the potato turned around, the Metarex shot it down. "AAAAH! Cheapshot!"
The Metarex chuckled evilly as he watched the ship deconstruct into french fries. Then his communicator started up and the leader spoke, "EvilShip, do you read me?"
"No, this is SCARSHIP!" protested the ship.
"Fine, Scarship." grumbled the Metarex leader. "Here's your new mission: Search and destroy a blue hedgehog, a two-tailed fox, a red echidna, a pink hedgehog with a massive hammer, a long-eared bunny with a floating living blob, a twelve-year-old human, and several celebrities. Oh, and make sure you kill Dr. Eggman; he's becoming annoying."
EvilShip- I mean, Scarship, took a moment to understand the command. "...Are you sure this isn't a prank mission?"
"Sadly no, I am not kidding." answered the leader. "I suggest you find Dr. Eggman first. He should be with a gold robot and a silver robot, another robot with a jetpack, a busty bat and a black hedgehog."
"...And this is not a snipe hunt?"
"Just find them and destroy them!"
"Okay, okay!" stammered Scarship. He noticed the last potato flying away. "Just as soon as I make some mashed potatoes."
"What are you talking about?"
"Oh, you'll see..." chortled Scarship as he fired a missile at the ship.
I know this is a bit late but, why potatoes?
So they can be mistaken for asteroids!
So when the Metarex need to blast away asteroids in their path, they'll be blown up with them?
Yes! It's all about fooling the enemy!
Oooookaaaaaaaaaay... let's just see what happens next.
That instant, on the Blue Typhoon, Cosmo woke up with a jolt. Cream walked up to her and asked, "What's wrong? Did you have a weird dream? I told you not to eat chocolate before falling asleep!"
"No, I just felt a... disturbance." replied Cosmo. "As if millions of voices cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced."
"Oh, I thought you were thinking about Shadow like everyone else." spoke Cream as she pointed to the others.
"All of you are thinking about Shadow?"
Cream bashfully crossed her legs and admitted, "Well, he is very popular..."
"And you thought he was dead when he was actually alive?" questioned Cosmo.
"Well no one thought to check. We just assumed he made a heroic sacrifice."
Meanwhile, Tails was sleeping and thought, How could Shadow be alive? I didn't think he was that amazing to cheat death...
Chris thought, He didn't have his power donut, so how could he be alive?
Knuckles grumbled in his head, Shadow better not steal Rouge from me!
Amy pondered, I wonder if getting close to Shadow will make Sonic jealous...
"Okay! Hold your thoughts!" exclaimed Sonic, waking everyone up. "I get it, he's cool. But maybe you should save your questions until we actually get a chance to talk to him next time. Huh, who's with me?"
"..."
"Well? What are you waiting for? ...You're still thinking about Shadow, aren't you?"
"Mm-hm."
Meanwhile, on the Crimson Egg, Shadow was awake from his nap and thought more about the 'commoners'. "Why did those people know my name? Was I a popular person before my long nap?"
Decoe headed over to Shadow and answered, "Of course you were popular! Especially on your debut in the human world!"
Bocoe slid beside Decoe and added, "And you helped them out on Space Colony ARK! Don't you remember?"
"Hmm, things are slowly coming back to me..." mused Shadow. "Mostly stuff of me being awesome..."
"So what? That's not important!" cut in Eggman as he stepped toward Shadow. "Now remember, you're new to our dysfunctional family, so you'll have to get used to your new 'brothers' and your 'flea'. And you must respect your new mother, Rouge, and do whatever I, the father, shall tell you."
"You? My father?" rebuked Shadow. "That is ridiculous! Don't make fun of me!"
"Now now, I would never do such a thing!" stated Eggman. He waved flamboyantly and chortled, "Ohohoho! Ooohohohooo!"
"You're making fun of me again..." Shadow warned menacingly.
Rouge spoke up, "Now just a moment! With Shadow here, I suggest we switch the family roles a bit."
"Hmm, you do have a point..." agreed Eggman. "Okay, what's your idea?"
Rouge began, "First, I divorce you and marry Shadow so he's the new step-father!"
"WHAT? I'll never agree to that!"
"Not if Shadow is making you do it at gunpoint." added Rouge. Eggman turned around and saw Shadow holding a shotgun at him. Rouge continued, "So now Shadow is the new father which makes you the annoying ex that we could never get rid of."
Eggman glared at Rouge, then cautiously looked at Shadow. "Fine, I'll sign the divorce papers." Dr. Eggman got out a pen and signed the makeshift documents that were made for the occasion.
Soon after that, the radar started beeping and showed that there was another ship ahead. Bokkun notified, "The marraige documents will have to wait! We've got company!"
The Metarex ship soared toward the Crimson Egg and remarked, "So he wasn't lying about the weird creatures I have to kill. But now they must perish!" He fired some shots at the Crimson Egg, rocking it violently.
"AAAAAAAH! Activate force field!" screamed Eggman. His ship generated a shield that blocked several more shots. "Phew! Thank goodness we're still attached to the Blue Typhoon. They'll notice the Metarex and Sonic will destroy it easily."
"Uh, yeah, about that..." Bokkun said nervously. "Um, remember when we got the Green Chaos Emerald and I wanted to drive the Crimson Egg, but I crashed it on the jungle planet?"
"Don't remind me." groaned Bocoe.
"Yeah, um, I noticed that the suction cup rope was cut off soon after." continued Bokkun. "I thought Dr. Eggman would notice it and try to connect to the Blue Typhoon again, but I guess he didn't..."
"You mean all this time we've been going on cruise control away from Sonic?" cried Decoe.
"So that means... WE'RE LOST IN SPACE?" shrieked Dr. Eggman in rage.
"Er, correction: We're going to die alone in space." said Bokkun worriedly as he pointed to the weakening force field.
Eggman growled furiously and he spat at Shadow, "Why aren't you doing anything? You're cool; go destroy the Metarex before it destroys us!"
"You're not my father, you're Rouge's crazy ex, remember?" countered Shadow.
"I thought we agreed on annoying ex." grumbled Eggman. "And even so, you should save us now! So could you pretty-please help us live? I'll give you your memory back!"
Shadow rolled his eyes and sighed, "Fine, since you asked."
As Shadow marched outside, Eggman snickered, "Heheh, I fooled him."
Shadow stood outside the Crimson Egg and stared at the Metarex ship. "Ultimate life-form, away!"
"What? You send a mere hedgehog to defeat me?" challenged Scarship haughtily. He fired rapidly at Shadow, but Shadow spin-dashed toward the ship and the bullets bounced off him.
"Mere hedgehog?" echoed Shadow. "Would a mere hedgehog have the ability to be BULLET-PROOF?" Shadow charged toward the ship as more bullets were unable to penetrate him. "ULTIMATE SPIN DAAAAASH!" He sped at Scarship and directly hit him! But Shadow bounced off just like the bullets bounced off him. "Come on! Submit yourself to my attacks!" Shadow repeatedly spin-dashed at other parts of the Metarex.
"Ha! Resistance is futile!" taunted the Metarex. "...Wait, these attacks are actually starting to hurt..."
"Good job, Shadow!" cheered Eggman. "Now finish him off! FINISH HIM!"
Bocoe asked dorkily, "Is Shadow winning?"
"What's happening now?" Decoe then asked in an idiotic way.
Eggman hammered buckets over their heads and laughed, "I'll show you what's happening, duncebuckets!"
The robots' obliviousness prompts Eggman to rip off Hacker from Cyberchase?
"With Shadow repeatedly attacking the Metarex, we'll be able to destroy him from the inside!" continued Eggman. "Of course, we'll just give Shadow all the credit to make him think he defeated it by himself! And that way, we'll be able to... do something... to Shadow. ...I'll think about it after we get rid of this guy."
Scarship gasped, "How is he able to hurt me? Where does all his power come from?"
"For your information, my power comes from me!" replied Shadow victoriously as he rammed up the head of the ship. "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"GRAAAA!" cried the ship as he was knocked back.
"Alright, Shadow!" praised Eggman. "Now just keep hitting him and- wait, why isn't he moving?" Everyone saw Shadow float in space, immobile.
"My... power... is... limited?" breathed Shadow in shock before passing out completely.
"Oh yeah, he doesn't have his donut charger." realized Eggman. "...I'm not the kind to use profanity, but, DAMN!" He quickly released the Crimson Egg's claw and pulled Shadow inside. "Now, let's use our remaining weapons to destroy the Metarex!"
"But our shield is worn out!" pointed out Bokkun.
"So? The defensive strategy never solved anything, did it?" countered Eggman before firing all the guns at the Metarex. "Hahaha! Die, die, DIE!" But when the smoke cleared, Scarship still loomed closer.
"Your weapons aren't very effective..." observed the Metarex mockingly.
"Hmm, maybe Rouge has another idea." thought Eggman outloud. "Rouge, what do you think?" But there was no answer because Rouge wasn't there. "Huh? Where'd you go, Rouge?"
Rouge was in her ship and she flew by the windshield yelling, "Sorry, only room for one!" She laughed as she soared away, leaving the Crimson Egg behind.
"...Ohhhh... Maybe we should just retreat." suggested Eggman.
"Good idea! Fall back!" shouted Decoe.
"Let's get away now, before I short-circuit just thinking about being shot." added Bocoe.
"Good, 'cause there's a missile heading for us!" announced Bokkun as he watched a missile fly towards the ship.
Dr. Eggman stared at the missile as it headed closer. "We're going down, looks like we're going-" BOOOOOM!
Later, the Blue Typhoon received a video-call from Rouge. "What? You must be kidding!" gasped Tails.
"I didn't say anything yet." said Rouge matter-of-factly.
"Sorry, I just assumed you were going to say something shocking." apologized Tails. "Now, are you calling us to rant about the Chaos Emerald prank we pulled on you?" Everyone else snickered, especially Knuckles.
"No, although that's what I'd be doing if I didn't have more important news to share." grumbled Rouge. "The Metarex demolished Eggman's ship."
"That's even more shocking then what I thought you were going to say before!" Tails shouted in surprise.
Rouge added, "Oh, and since everyone likes to make fun of Eggman, here's the footage I have of his ship exploding." The screen then displayed the Crimson Egg being hit by the missile and exploding.
"HA ha ha ha ha!" cackled Sonic. "If you look closely, you could see Eggman's face! It's priceless! HAHAhahaha!"
Sheesh, Sonic can't be that sadistic.
You've been wrong before.
Soon the Metarex ship appeared on the screen. Cosmo's eyes widened and she gasped, "I know that ship! It's the same one that destroyed the ship with my long-lost mother! Before I got adopted soon afterwards."
Sonic just stared at Cosmo. "...What?"
Cosmo's step-mom Gertruth protested, "I thought we brainwashed every memory of your real parents- I mean, what long-lost mother?"
Amy ignored that sentence and declared, "Don't worry, we're going to stop this baddie!"
"Oh, almost forgot." interrupted Rouge. "You better be on guard, because apparently not even Shadow could defeat this ship."
"WHAT?" yelled Knuckles in shock. "Shadow... failed at something?"
"That means we're going to fail too!" cried Cream.
"Probably." agreed Rouge. She finished with, "Well, let me know when you're about to die."
Amy glared at Rouge before the call ended. "Okay, people! We can't let the notion of Shadow failing stop us!"
"But if Shadow can't defeat him, who could?" asked Tails.
Sonic leaned against a wall and spoke, "Ahem!" He pointed to himself and continued, "Don't worry about Shadow, he can survive anything, 'parrently."
Chris added, "Yeah, if he can survive the ARK fight, then he can come back and save us when Sonic fails!"
"Not helping, this time." grumbled Sonic.
"Uh, we better decide what to do now, because the ship is headed right for us!" announced Tails as the Metarex floated in their view.
"RETREAT!" was the cry from, oddly enough, Cosmo.
Knuckles clenched Cosmo's shoulders and shouted in her face, "ARE YOU CRAZY?"
"I mean, I don't want to force you into a battle you might not win..."
"Oh, I see how it is." chuckled Sonic.
"What are you laughing at?" shrieked Amy. "Metarex are going to take over the world! Because Shadow can't stop them!"
"Well, we better fight him anyway." concluded Sonic.
"Sure thing Sonic! We'll battle him, no problem!" agreed Tails.
"It's too bad we came all this way just to die." said Knuckles. "But it sure beats moping!"
"Yeah! Let's show that Metarex we're just as good as Shadow!" Cream shouted determindly.
"And that we can be just as awesome any day!" added Chris. "I mean, it could be possible..."
"That's the spirit!" praised Amy.
Cosmo smiled at the sudden optimism and said gratefully, "You're wonderful! Thanks everyone!"
"No being happy!" snapped Gertruth in a commanding way.
"It's no problem, Cosmo." Sonic said casually. "I'm just in it to prove I'm better than Shadow at something."
Scarship loomed closer to the Blue Typhoon. "How interesting. They don't flee in terror. Guess that makes my job easier!"
"He's in!" announced Tails. "Now, Palm Tree Shield activate!" The palm trees generated a force field around the Blue Typhoon. "And now, we rise!" The Blue Typhoon hovered high above the Metarex.
"Huh? I've never seen that evasion tactic." mused the Metarex perplexed.
Tails then declared, "Now, palm trees! Make the shield bigger!" The palm trees generated even more power until the force field bubble grew to fit the entire screen.
What screen?
Depends on how you're viewing this story.
...HUH?
"What kind of move is that?" spat Scarship. "Never mind! I can still destroy you, for my name isn't EvilShip!" He fired more bullets and rockets toward the Blue Typhoon, but the shield somehow created a smoke screen.
As the rockets flew past the Blue Typhoon, Sonic snickered, "His missiles are missing us! Hahaha! Get it?"
Awkward silence. Tails then responded, "Oh I got the joke. I just don't think it's a funny pun."
Scarship continued blasting at the Blue Typhoon. "No! Why do I keep missing them? They must have a cheat code activated!"
Cream then pressed a button and she declared, "Deploying unnecessary luggage!" The Blue Typhoon released tons of bags, briefcases, furniture, clothes, kitchen appliances, etc.
"At last, my piano pieces are being put to good use!" remarked Chris as he threw out his piano pieces with the luggage.
The step-sisters Hortasia and Bernella gasped as they saw their bags thrown out. "Hey! We didn't get a chance to wear some of those things! COSMOOOO!"
James Cameron sat back with the other celebrities to watch the plan unfold. "Wow, they're throwing everything out there! Even my Oscars! ...Wait, don't throw out my OSCARS! NO! NOT MY PRECIOUS OSCARS! I was close to breaking the record for most Oscars won! NOOOOO!"
Scarship stared puzzled at the luggage headed his way. "They're desperate enough to throw their belongings at me? What kind of reaction is this? I want gun-fights and cries of terror, not dresses and books and- OH! Is that a Nintendo DS? Aww, it's still too small for me..."
Within all the furniture, Sonic, Amy, and Knuckles hid inside a closet. (Not that kind of closet!) Amy gazed at Sonic and began, "Well, we're close to each other. Can we make out?"
"Amy, Knuckles is sitting right next to us." reminded Sonic bluntly.
"Don't mind me!" said Knuckles calmly. "I'll let you enjoy each other's saliva."
"EWW!" groaned Sonic and Amy.
"Hey, that's what happens when you make out." added Knuckles.
"And how would you know?" questioned Sonic.
Knuckles stammered, "Uh-well-I-I-I- Can we just get the plan going?" The three came out of the closet (again, not that kind of closet!) and flew around in their jetpacks.
Scarship watched the three gather the luggage into different piles. "What the heck am I looking at? When are you going to actually attack me? Fine, I'll just shoot you down myself!" He tried firing tons of missiles, but somehow they were stuck. "What? These missiles couldn't be jammed! I checked my equipment beforehand!"
"How about checking your equipment afterhand? Teehahaha!" mocked Sonic, leading to more silence. "Come on! That was... sort of funny."
Scarship then realized that the three used the luggage to plug up his gun-barrels. "AAAH! They clogged my holes! And that's not what it means, you dirty minded people!"
'Dirty minded people'?
See, to the immature teenager, 'holes' refer to-
No! I mean- NEVER MIND!
The Metarex continued freaking out at all the stuffing. "No! It's everywhere! They put it everywhere, even MY FACE! The guns on my beautiful, beautiful face! RUINED! AAAH, LUGGAGE FAAAACE!" He tried shooting the furniture out of the guns, but the rockets exploded inside him. "GRAA! You used the 'finger in gun barrel' trick on me, but in a plausible, humiliating way!"
Sonic laughed, "Ha! Not even Shadow could come up with this! I rule!"
Amy taunted, "You can't shoot anymore, so that means you have no more options! Yep, none at all! You were only built to fire, not for any other method of attack possible!"
Scarship declared, "My guns may be useless, but I can still hit your cruise ship at RAMMING SPEED!"
"...Oh yeah, he can do that." said Amy meekly. The Metarex ship soared into the smoke cloud at high speeds.
"Tails! Get out of the way, quick!" warned Sonic through his communicator.
"Don't worry, I'm moving!" replied Tails as he fired the engines in reverse. But the Blue Typhoon still moved away slowly. "Oh, I forgot I directed most of the energy to make the platform go faster, not the Blue Typhoon itself! ...CRAP!"
Chris gasped sternly, "Tails! Watch your language!"
"Hey! At least my swear was very tame compared to the swears everyone else says!" objected Tails.
Knuckles watched the Metarex head closer to the Blue Typhoon. "No! He's going for the Master Emerald! I knew I should've been guarding it this whole time!"
"Prepare for impact!" shouted Chris as he covered his eyes. But just before the Metarex could collide, a golden beam shot into it and blew it away.
"What?" gasped Scarship. "Don't tell me, it's..."
Shadow declared, "That's right! I heard Sonic's comment on how I couldn't come up with that lame garbage plugging trick! And the reason why I didn't come up with it was because it was so lame!"
"Huh? Shadow's not dead?" asked Knuckles.
"Duh!" Sonic rolled his eyes at Knuckles.
Shadow continued, "The only reason why I 'failed' last time was because I was too tired. But I'm fresh now."
"Wait, if you're here, then where's Eggman?" questioned Amy.
"Hohoho! Here I am!" announced Dr. Eggman in his Crimson Egg from nowhere.
"What? Wait wait wait, back up!" Sonic stammered. "We saw your ship explode! How could it be in one piece? How could you still be in one piece?"
"Silly Sonic! I was never in that anime!" stated Eggman. "But as for the explosion, I was able to survive through the power of retcon!"
Amy and the others were silent for a moment. "...Definition, please?"
"It means that the writer made me dead, but then decided to make me alive again!" elaborated Eggman.
Wait a second, what writer?
The writer... of life!
Uhhh...
Shadow interrupted, "Enough about you, time for more ME!" He spin-dashed repeatedly into the Metarex, utterly denting it until the dents formed an image of Shadow from far away. "Look on the bright side, you'll be popular."
"Hey! I wanted to try one of those dent-portraits!" whined Sonic. He ran alongside Shadow and added, "By the way, what's with you? You're acting like one of those celebrities that forget their old friends after they become famous!"
"I don't know what you're talking about. I was always famous!" replied Shadow as he sped ahead of Sonic. "I would never associate with lowlives like you!"
Sonic caught up to Shadow and pleaded, "Look, you've obviously been through some traumatic event that made you forget about your buddies! So we'll just run and talk here, kay?"
"Mmm, no." answered Shadow before he went off to destroy the internal engines single-handedly.
"Wait! Leave one for me!" called Sonic as he raced around to find an engine that wasn't destroyed. "Come on! I'm supposed to be a hero on vacation!"
"Good. So you wouldn't mind me doing your apparent job for you." Shadow snickered as he blew up the last engine.
Bokkun checked the systems and gasped, "Uh, the Metarex is gonna self-destruct..."
"Well, let's hope we're not caught in the blast!" stated Eggman matter-of-factly.
"Relax, everyone. I got this." Shadow told everyone else with a wink. He paused to listen to all the females sigh dreamily.
"Cosmo? You too?" gasped Tails.
Cosmo shyly put her hands to her cheeks and answered, "Well, I can see what Cream was talking about how Shadow is popular..." Tails stared aghast.
Shadow took out his personal Chaos Emerald and shouted, "CHAOOOOS CONTROOOOOLLLLL!1!1!1!" At that instant, the Metarex stopped moving from Shadow's pure awesomeness. Or, rather, from the Chaos powers, but it was channelled through Shadow, so it still sort of counts. He took out a self-powered watch and announced, "We have 90 seconds to either flee or destroy the Metarex. But fleeing is for babies, so I'm going to destroy it myself." Shadow continued denting the Metarex as Sonic watched in jealousy.
Tails called to Sonic, "Hey, Sonic! You wanna be a hero?"
Sonic glared at Tails, then whimpered, "YEEEEEeeess! Sniff!"
Tails responded, "Well then, climb into the Sonic Drive Cannon and I'll make you a hero!"
"No way! I'm starting to think you're tricking me into shooting me out of that thing!" protested Sonic. "What am I, a circus performer to you?"
"Well, if you don't wanna be a hero, then that's perfectly understandable." answered Tails with a trace of taunt. "I'm sure you want to submit to Shadow being amazing and stealing every girl." He grumbled, "Except Cosmo."
"Well, I don't wanna be shot out of a cannon!" Sonic still objected.
"Who said anything about being shot?" questioned Tails. "I was just about to tell you of a super special item that makes everyone revere you as a hero. It just happens to be in the barrel!"
"Oh, why didn't you say so?" replied Sonic joyfully. He excitedly raced into the cannon and searched for the item. "Uh, can you tell me what it looks like?"
"Don't worry! You'll know it when you see it!" shouted Tails before pushing the 'Fire Hedgehog' button.
"WAAAAAAAAAAA! WHYYYYYYYYY?" cried Sonic as he sailed into the Metarex, pushing it far back in an explosion.
Shadow checked his watch and noted, "And with 45 seconds to spare! Not bad... noob."
"Oh you're going to eat those words! On a silver platter!" insulted Sonic as he crawled out of the wreckage.
"Good, just don't forget to wash your hands before you serve it." countered Shadow sneakily. "And learn how to place the dishes accordingly." He jumped on the Crimson Egg as it flew away.
"GAAAAAH! I destroyed the Metarex, and he still makes fun of me!" shouted Sonic desperately.
Amy put her hand on his shoulder and assured him, "Don't worry, you're still my hero!"
"Well thank you Amy." replied Sonic. He muttered, "I'm doomed."
Meanwhile, the Metarex leader received word of the ship's death. "Hmm, so even EvilShip is dead. Well, since he's dead, it's now okay for me to call him that."
At the same time, Cosmo pondered over what happened. "I heard that revenge was best served cold. So why am I not satisfied?"
Sonic went up to her and answered, "Because you want more death! Oh yes, give in to your anger..."
Cosmo just stared at him perplexed. "I wasn't talking out loud..."
"Yes, you weren't talking out loud. Very loudly." Sonic said knowingly. "And hey, one last thing: This episode was called Relationship of doom! Where was the relationship that's so full of doom?"
"I think it was between every girl and Shadow." concluded Knuckles as he watched the females swoon with Shadow in their heart-shaped eyes.
Well, I'm glad I actually got it up a bit 'early' so I'm on track with my updating schedule! I hope you're enjoying Shadow, but not TOO much, if you know what I mean. Anyway, please review!
P.S. I am now aware that Optimus Prime actually has a sword in the new movie.
