Restaurant

Restaurant

"Leader-sama?"

"Goddammit," Pein mumbled, lowering his morning paper to look at the other Akatsuki members, "What could you possibly want?"

"Can we go out to dinner today?" Deidara, the Akatsuki's democratically elected spokesperson, asked.

"Why, dare I ask?"

"Well, I really don't want to cook," Konan said.

"And no one wants to eat what you cook," Pein said, earning him a glare.

"And we have the money," Deidara added.

"No we don't," Kakuzu interjected.

"Come on, it's not like we're going to go broke," Pein said (Spoiler alert).

"So can we go?"

"Are you going to give up or do you really want me to give you all the reasons why we shouldn't go?"

"Please, we want to go to The Olive Garden?" Deidara said.

"The Olive Garden?"

"Yeah, The Olive Garden."

"You mean, Olive Garden?"

"No, The Olive Garden."

"Olive Garden."

"The Olive Garden."

"It's Olive Garden!"

"The Olive Garden."

"You know what? We can go if you stop calling it The Olive Garden," Pein said.

"Fine, Olive Garden," Deidara said.

"Ok, let's go," Pein said.

After getting everyone into the van and setting out to Olive Garden, Pein decided to set down some rules.

"Ok, here are the rules. They are simple. Hidan, no eating, Kakuzu, no dine and dashing, Zetsu, you're dinner can be the waiter, and Sasori and Deidara I'm going to be real lenient here, no sex. You can grope and fondle each other all you want, just no sex. Sound good?"

"Yeah," everyone replied, some a bit more reluctantly than others.

When they reached the restaurant and got inside, the hostess was ready to seat them right away.

"We have eight adults and one child," Pein said.

The hostess looked at each one confused.

"Obviously this one," Pein said, pointing at Tobi, who was a taller than some of the other members, "He wants a booster seat, crayons and a coloring mat, understand?"

"Of course," the hostess said, nervously, "I'll show you to your seats."

They all sat down; Tobi was the highest because he was in his booster seat. Hidan reached for the breadsticks, but Pein smacked his hand.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey."

The Akatsuki members looked at the table next to theirs, Orochimaru was having a candlelit dinner with Sasuke. Kabuto was sitting in a corner a few tables away, looking depressed.

"Hi Orochimaru," they all said monotonously.

"It's been awhile," Orochimaru said.

"You mean yesterday?" Pein asked.

"Yeah, it feels like forever. Come on Sasuke." Orochimaru grabbed the Uchiha and dragged him over to the Akatsuki's table, squeezing into two extra seats. "Man, it's so funny running into you guys here! Hey Sasori," Orochimaru said, checking out the puppet.

Deidara made a pissed girl noise, and flipped his hair repeatedly.

"Careful of the drinks," Pein said, trying to avoid Deidara's swishing hair.

Everyone calmed down a bit when their waiter came over. "Good evening everyone, I'll be you're waiter today. Does anyone want anything to drink?"

"Yes, I'll have some wine," Konan said.

"And it begins," Pein said, resting his head on the table.

"And any appetizers?" the waiter asked.

"No, just the drinks," Pein said. The waiter nodded and went to get their beverages.

"Orochimaru, that's my leg," Pein said, annoyed.

"Oh, sorry," Orochimaru said and continued searching.

"My leg," Hidan said.

"My leg," Sasori said.

"What?!" Deidara yelled, standing up. Pein grabbed Deidara's arm and made him sit down.

"Sorry," Orochimaru said.

"My leg again," Pein said, becoming annoyed.

"You got it," Sasuke said.

"Ow! Fuck, who kicked me?" Orochimaru asked.

"Wasn't me," Itachi said.

The waiter returned to order their food.

"Before we start, no food for him, and no fish for him," Pein said, pointing at Hidan, then Kisame, "Orders."

"Why can I never eat?" Hidan asked.

"You never finish it."

"I'll have the fish," Kisame said.

"He'll have a salad," Pein told the waiter.

"I'll have sausage," Orochimaru said, wriggling his eyebrows at Sasuke, who was looking annoyed.

"Whiskers wants salmon," Itachi said, stroking the cat.

"So the cat can have fish, but I can't?" Kisame asked.

"Whiskers doesn't hump the fish," Pein said, "What do you want Tobi?"

"Umm…I'll have fries," Tobi said, looking at the kids menu, perplexed, "And…a cheeseburger and a toy."

"I'm sorry, we don't have any toys," the waiter said.

"Did he ask if you had any toys?" Pein asked the waiter menacingly, "I don't care if you have to run to the Toys R Us next door. You'll get him his toy."

"Yes sir," the waiter said.

"I'm next," Deidara said, "I want pasta, but no green noodles. The other colors are fine, but no green. Also I want the dressing on the side, and not too many onions. I don't really like onions." The waiter's pencil had smoke coming out of it from writing so much.

"I don't eat," Sasori said to the waiter when he looked at him.

"What do you want Kakuzu?" Pein asked.

"I had some saltine crackers before I got here. I'll be fine," Kakuzu said.

"I'll have a Caesar salad," Konan said.

"I'll order mine later," Zetsu said.

"And I'll have the steak," Pein said.

"Ok, you're orders should be done shortly," the waiter said.

A few minutes later, their food came and they began eating. And you know what this calls for? Small talk.

Fuck.

"So Sasori how's the wood these days?" Orochimaru asked, jokingly.

"That's it!" Deidara yelled and dived across the table to tackle Orochimaru. Deidara began trying to scratch Orochimaru's eyes out.

Konan looked at Pein who just looked at her and nodded before he continued to eat as if nothing was wrong. Pein finished eating and raised his hand, "Check please!" he said. While in the background Deidara and Orochimaru continued scratching at each other and pulling at each other's hair. Sasori tried hard to hide his nosebleed, the blood streaming steadily from his nose down his face.

The waiter brought over their check and Pein looked it over. "Who ordered the pasta?" he demanded, "Ok Kakuzu, I need-," Pein turned to look at Kakuzu's now empty seat, "Dammit!" Pein looked outside and saw Kakuzu sitting in the van, "That bastard had all the wallets." Pein walked over to the catfight and pushed Orochimaru away. "Deidara, we have no money. You know what to do," Pein said and Deidara smiled.

"And you guys wanted to go to dinner," Pein said, as the group left the restaurant. They walked to their van with the restaurant exploding behind them and Zetsu was carrying his waiter.

End