Shuddup Hill 4: The Retard Version

Chapter 9: Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer

Henri and Chris found themselves staring at a rusty ladder from the opening of the elevator. "Oooooh… ahhhhhhh!" The two imbeciles drooled, as they approached the ladder in front of them.

(Poof.)

Do you wish to climb the ladder? (1) Yes? (2) No? (3) What is a Ladder?

"Eh, why are these funny words appearing below us?" Henri asked, scratching at his head. "And the third option seemed a little insulting..."

"Its just like Resident Evil… back then, they always ask stupid questions like if you want to do this? Or if you want to do that? To take the crest? Or to turn the crank handle? Do you want to eat? Or to operat-" Chris chimed excitedly.

"Okay, I get it…" Henri interrupted. "But, what's the third option got to do with this?"

"Its there in case some stupid moron doesn't know what a ladder is." Chris replied. "Like you…" He secretly mumbled in his mind.

"Fine, I tak… wait, did you mention 'eat' earlier? T-there's food from where you came from?"

Chris sweatdrop.

"What do you mean 'where I came from'? You've made Raccoon City sound as if its a place plagued with deadly diseases and viruses or something-" Chris stopped. He suddenly remembered that Raccoon City IS indeed plagued by viruses and diseases. "Oh…"

Flashback…

"Ohhhhhh…" The zombies moaned.

"Get away from me… you stinking rotting bastards!" Chris yelped like a little girl.

"Ohhhhhh…" The zombies continued to moan.

"GAH! Help me, mummy! HELP! I WANT MY MUMMY! I WANT MY MUMMY!" Chris screamed. "DAMN YOU T-VIRUS! DAMN YOU ROTTING ZOMBIES! DAMN YOU BLOODY WILLIAM BIRKIN!"

Chris then took out his trusty handgun and started blowing the brains out of the living undeads.

Rat-Tat-Tat-Rat-Tat-Tat-Rat-Tat-Tat…

End of flashback.

"What are you looking at, Chris?" Henri asked, looking at the empty space on the ceiling above where Chris was staring.

"My flashback." Chris replied.

Henri jawdrop.

And so, the two of them replied "Yes" and started to make their merry way to climb the ladder.

(Down the ladder… down the ladder… down the ladder…)

Henri and Chris soon found themselves arriving at the shower room. As they walked through the dimly-lit place, Henri found a Health Drink and he gave it to Chris.

(Poof.)

Do you wish to take the Health Drink? (1) Yes? (2) No? (3) What is a Health Drink?

"Here, take it…" Henri said, replying 'Yes' and ignoring the third option.

"Uh, what the fuck is this?" Chris asked.

"It's a Health Drink and breakfast of the champion." Henri said gleefully.

"Um… its okay. I have my trusty o' herbs with me." Chris said, pulling out a variety of green, red, and blue vegetables out of his pockets.

"They look dead to me… especially the purple one."

"Its BLUE!"

"Whatever… vegetable man!" Henri snorted.

The two continued to argue as they walked down the path when suddenly, many disgusting-looking purple hands, resembling that of the gay Teletubby's, came out of the wall and they started to grabbed at them.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" They screamed.

Chris immediately began to fire at the freaky hands while Henri used his leg to try to stomp at the hands. But unfortunately, the hands were simply just too much for them to handle.

"What should we do?" Chris asked, as he fired at a purple hand reaching for Henri's butt.

"Chris, how'd you handle such situation at Raccoon City?" Henri asked.

"We don't have gay zombies back at Racco-" Chris tried to explain, but he was stopped abruptly by Henri's girly screams.

"RAPE! RAPE!" Henri screamed madly. "RAAPPPEEEE!"

Chris found himself watching Henri being grabbed and molested by twenty-over purple hands. Chris felt sick in the stomach. He wanted to puke. The sight before him was simply just too much for him to take. Then, in the midst of all the commotion, Chris remembered Ivy.

No, Ivy was not a person. It was a gigantic zombie plant with a pussy-like gushing slit that puked venom. He could still vaguely remember the monstrous plant's evil tentacles, which somehow resembled that of these purple hands.

"RAPE! Help me Chris… HELPPPP!" Henri continued to squirm.

"Hold on, Henri…" Chris shouted. "What should I do? I've ran out of the SX-056 Plant Exterminator. What should I do? What should I do?"

"CHRISSSS!" Henri screamed. "HURRY UP!"

"Oh no… time is of the essence here… what the hell should I do in order to eliminate these fucking hands…" Chris thought, when suddenly, an idea came to his mind. "AHA! Maybe that'll do the trick!"

Chris immediately ran forward and began to unzip his pants. Henri stared in awe, at the thing that Chris had pulled out of his pants. "What the fuck is he doing?" Henri thought. "Oh gross… is that your penis? Gosh, even my dog's productive organ is much longer than that!" Henri groaned. Chris simply dismissed the negativity remark and proceeded to do what he had planned.

"Wait… wait! What the fuck are you doing with that puny penis of yours?" Henri screamed.

"Don't panic, Henri. I may not have the SX-056 Plant Exterminator with me, but I've got my toxic urine to save you…" Chris roared. "DIE, YOU PATHETIC PURPLE HANDS… DIEEEE… MUWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

And with that, Chris peed.

"ACK! Chris, your urine is all over me!" Henri shouted. "AIM, CHRIS! AIM PROPERLY… DAMMIT!"

The hands started to shrivel and withdrew back into the wall as Chris' yellowish urine was splattered onto them. Henri then fell onto the floor gagging and choking, as he tried to spat the horrid taste of urine out of his mouth.

"C-chris… why you… you…" Henri desperately clawed at his tongue.

"You are welcomed, Henri." Chris said. "Come on… we've got to make a move. This place gives me the creeps."

"?" Henri sweatdrop.

(Later…)

The two morons finally arrived at a pub. The large neon sign outside stated, " North AssFeeld Pub".

"Sweet!" Henri cheered. "Let's go get ourselves drunk and party all night in our underwear!"

"?" Chris jawdropped. "What the fuck?"

But before Chris even had the chance to protest, Henri had already pulled him into the pub. "WOO-HOO! Kinky-kinky-party-here-we-come…" Henri sang happily.

The interior of the pub was deserted. As the duo made their way through the inside of the place, Henri moaned with disappointment. "What the fuck? Where the hell is everybody?"

"Hey, Henri… look over here!" Chris shouted, excitedly.

"What?" Henri asked, walking over.

Chris was pointing to something on the bar. Henri took a look at it and groaned, "NOOOO! The bottle is empty! There's no booze! NO BOOZE!"

Chris sweatdrop.

"Shut up, Henri!" Chris snapped. "I was referring to the piece of paper underneath the bottle."

"Oh…" Henri muttered, sheepishly as he picked up the piece of note off the bar to read.

"Our boss had come out with a secret 4-digit code to our pub's door. He said that it's so bloody secret that nobody could ever know it. It was so difficult to decipher and understood that nobody, and I mean nobody, would be able to guess it. In fact, the code was so perfectly hard to memorize, that till date, none of us can correctly enter the code. Not even the boss himself.

That moron."

"What the hell?" Chris said.

Henri walked towards the locked door at the far end of the room. He tried to pry open the door with his bare hands, but to no avail. "How the fuck are we going to get out now, if we don't have that code?" Henri asked.

Chris looked around the deserted pub when he spotted a rusty axe lying at the other end of the bar top. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Henri?" Chris beamed, glaring at the axe.

"Uh…" Henri murmured, as he thought for a while. "… no. What?"

Chris pointed at the rusty axe. "The axe, Henri… the axe!"

"Oh, the axe…" Henri replied. "… so, are we going to like give up right now and commit suicide?"

Chris sweatdrop. He couldn't believe the stupidity of the man standing before him. "Henri, we could use the AXE to break the door!"

"Breaking the door down with the axe, riiiggghhht… I was just thinking about that…" Henri said.

"Yeah…sure you were, Henri." Chris mumbled, shaking his head as he rolled his eyes over.

(Poof.)

Do you wish to take the Rusty Axe? (1) Yes? (2) No? (3) What is a Rusty Axe?

Chris simply replied 'Yes' and walked over to the door with the axe to chop it open.

(CRASH!)

The door came crashing open. Henri and Chris both walked out from the pub only to find themselves, once again, in another stairway.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Holy fuck! What was that?" Henri shouted.

"Let's go find out." Chris said.

"Do we have to?" Henri moaned sadly.

(And so, after walking up 2,896,145,006 steps later…)

Henri and Chris finally arrived at the top of the stairway. Chris huffed and puffed out of breath while Henri leaned over and vomited.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The two of them looked up from where they were and realized that the unearthly screamed came from behind the door, marked "207", next to them.

"Henri, you go in and take a look." Chris said, obviously afraid of what they might encounter inside.

"You go in, Chris." Henri replied, his mind full of the image of the purple Teletubby clones gang-raping some poor soul.

"No. You!"

"Shut up, you go in!"

The two began to argue and fight like little children. In the midst of their squabble, Henri saw something stuck on the door and shouted, "Oh look… there's a card on the door."

Henri quickly moved away from Chris and took the card off from the door. It read, "Cooties Placard".

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The horrid scream echoed, again.

The two of them stared at each other. "Fine, let's go in together." Chris said. Henri nodded, as he stuffed away the placard.

As they entered the room, the familiar Christmas jingle filled the air.

"… Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer, had a very shiny nose. And if you've ever saw it, you would even say it'd glow…"

Henri happily sang along with the catchy tune as they walked further into the room. Chris snorted with disgust at the look of Henri, singing along with the Christmas song like a three-year-old.

Suddenly, Chris stopped and stood there on the floor, paralyzed.

"Why'd you stop, Chris?" Henri asked, as he stopped his humming and singing.

Chris remained quiet and pointed at the sight before them. Rudolph was seated on a metal chair with many colorful lighting encircling him, all blinking brightly in the dark room. To make everything even more festive, a big and bright red bulb sat on his nose and it was buzzing brightly. Smoke was coming out from his back.

"Nice…" Henri jeered.

"H-hel-p m-me…" Rudolph pleaded.

"Henri, he's being electrocuted…" Chris shouted. "… we'd better help him!"

Chris and Henri immediately ran over to Rudolph and attempted to remove the electrical plugs off from the power sockets. Thick black smoke was beginning to emit from Rudolph.

"H-hel-p m-me… h-hel-p m-me…" Rudolph continued to plea.

"Hey, its that kid!" Henri shouted, pointing to a little boy digging at his nostrils standing by the window.

"Henri, we don't have time for any little boy. Now, hurry up and help me with these wirings." Chris said.

"Okay…" Henri said, returning his attention to Rudolph. By this time, Rudolph was beginning to burn and the lightings on him were buzzing brightly.

"Oooh… ahhh… the nose is really red and bright." Henri drooled.

"Henri, hurry up and help me here…" Chris commanded.

"Oh, right." Henri replied. However, due to his clumsiness, Henri accidentally tripped over some electrical wires and he accidentally knocked Chris over, causing Chris to fall onto the electrocuted Rudolph.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Chris screamed, as he landed on Rudolph.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Rudolph screamed, in pain as Chris' elbow struck his balls.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Henri screamed.

The three of them all screamed in unison.

Chris and Rudolph were now twitching violently to the effects of the electricity passing through them. The smell of burning flesh and heavy smoke now filled the room. Henri coughed. He quickly looked around the place and saw the circuit breaker next to him. "YES! That's it! Why didn't I think of that?" He thought. Henri quickly ran over and pulled the lever, hoping to cut the electrical supply to the apartment. To his surprise, the entire room's electrical wires bursted with more flares, and Chris and Rudolph twitched even more.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Both of them screamed, louder than ever.

"What the hell have I done?" He thought. Henri glanced over at the electrical box and to his horror, he saw a label under the box that read, "Electricity Booster. To be used with Extreme Caution on Appliances with Insufficient Power ".

Henri froze. He had accidentally supplied more electrical currents to the power sockets. Chris and Rudolph had stopped moving and the bulbs on Rudolph had all burst. The number "19121" appeared on Ruldoph's forehead. The smell of smoke was now overpowering and Henri was slowly losing his consciousness due to his large intake of smoke and fumes.

The last thing he saw was the little boy sticking his finger, filled with shit, into his mouth.


Henri woke up in his room, his pants totally soaked with urine. He had a quick change of pants before making his way out of his bedroom.

"… and now, the Bulletin News. Just a moment ago, the police have discovered the bodies of two males in the North AssFeeld Heights Apartment. One of the deceased was identified as Mister Rudolph Braindead, an occupant of the apartment while the identity of the other body was still unknown. The police said that the identification process of the other decease was still on-going, but at his point, they could not confirm his identity yet, as there were no official records of the second decease in North AssFeeld. The Police have not ruled out the possibility of the second decease being an illegal immigrant and that their deaths were a gay relationship gone wrong…"

The radio stopped buzzing.

"What the hell?"

Henri felt groggy. Another person had died. No, it was two. Two more innocent lives. Henri suddenly heard some noise outside his apartment and he walked over to take a look at the peephole. To his amazement, he saw 19 paw prints on the wall across the corridor. "Damn stupid cats… always sticking their paws everywhere." Then, something caught his attention. For under the rows of neatly spread paw prints, were the words, "I know what you did last summer".

"WHAT?" Henri gasped. "How'd they know I stole some of Elyne's panties from her apartment last summer?" He rubbed at his eyes to make sure that he had seen the wordings correctly. Once again, he looked through the peephole.

"Make sure to peep… um, I mean look at your neighbor."

"Phew, must be my eyes playing tricks on me." Henri heaved a sigh of relief, as he slowly walked towards the windows pondering at the meaning of the message on the wall. "Eh? What the fuck does that mean? All the tenants are my neighbors… so who the fuck should I look at?"


(Meanwhile…)

Elyne was preparing herself for the orgy party that night. She walked out from the bathroom, all stark naked, and she turned on the music and danced around the room erotically. The stuffed rabbit on her bed popped its eyes widely as it drooled. But of course, Elyne did not notice it for she was too much engrossed with the practicing of her new erotic dance for the party that night. She had learnt that the orgy party organizers had set up a prestigious Nude Pole Dance Competition. Elyne really hoped that she would win the competition. "It would totally change my luck if I win the competition tonight." Elynesaid in her mind. She could visualize her career as a naked dancing queen at the Heaven's Night in Shuddup Hill.

With that thought in her mind, Elyne danced some more. Naked, that is.


(Now, back to Henri…)

Henri was giving serious thoughts about the true meaning behind the message. "Who is it? WHOOOO?"

Just then, one of the occupants living in the opposite block shouted, "Look, its Elyne of Room 303… and she's naked, again!"

Another occupant screamed with excitement, "I love you, Elyne!"

Soon, more and more of the people came out to their windows and started gushing at the free nude show over at Room 303. Henri, who got curious at the commotion, looked out of the window to find himself looking at all the other tenants opposite pointing towards Elyne's apartment, bustling with pure excitement.

"What the-?" Henri said. "Oh, I get it! It's a sign. The message on the wall prompted me to look at that bitch, Elyne!"

Henri quickly rushed over and knelt down in front of the tiny hole in his apartment wall and peered through it. Through the hole, Henri could only see Elyne's ass up close as it pounced up and down to the rhythm of the music. Then, suddenly the phone in her apartment rang and Elyne quickly ran out of her room to pick up the phone. Henri noticed that the stuffed rabbit on her bed was sitting with its back facing him.

"Eh? I could have sworn I saw that Wobbie the Wabbit's nose bleed just now…" Henri thought, as he moved away from the hole, still drooling profusely from watching Elyne perform the naked dance.

Nonetheless, Henri felt relieved that Elyne was still alive and kicking. He got back to his feet and walked towards the storage box and emptied his pockets. The stuffs were beginning to weigh him down. Henri decided to take with him only the basic weapons for self-defense against those inhumane gay Teletubbies.

With that, he left for the bathroom and geared himself for his next adventure as he entered the hole, which had gotten even bigger.


DISCLAIMER: I do not own what I do not own. But I do own what I do own.

A/N: Another update from me again. Remember me? Yes? No? Anyways, writing has been really hard for me these few days as I've been constantly attacked by writer's block. Okay… okay… I know its not an excuse, but I'm trying my best every now and then to bring the best stories to you guys. Okay, just an update, I've finally killed off Rudolph in this chapter. And thanks to SaddenedSoul for his wonderful killing plan, I've decided to use his idea in this chapter. See? I treasure every comment from all you readers out there. So, just remember to review and maybe put in a little of your ideas… who knows, I might just turn it into part of the plot in my next chapter. Alright, not to waste any more time, I would like to thank everyone else who've R&R and please do support me all the way, okay? BIG THANKS!