Once again, I don't own Gilmore Girls.
AN: Thanks guys for your reviews. I really appreciate them.
Chapter 9: Putting it all out there
Christopher had never been as nervous as he was on the drive to Stars Hollow. He'd been so distracted all day. As much as he loved his job, he could think of plenty places he'd have rather been this morning, at the bar around the corner nursing his fifth drink of the morning high on that list. He knew loving Lorelai was tough. Ordinarily he welcomed the challenge, but not today. Not this week. Not this month. Not since he'd discovered the letter.
He was wrong for reading it and he could admit that. But just think, had he not read the letter he'd not have known and maybe just maybe his head would still be buried in the sand. The more he thought it, the better it sounded. At least then he'd still be happy. He wouldn't have this huge vacant spot in his heart; a hole that had been filled with Lorelai for better than thirty years. He wondered if it were possible to stop loving someone you'd loved that long; that much; that fully. In the midst of all his wondering he'd missed his turn of the interstate and decided that he'd stop at the next place he saw and grab a cup of coffee. Noticing a bistro just ahead he decided maybe he'd get an Irish coffee.
Rory was good with Gigi and Gigi loved her big sister. The game of hide and seek they'd played for the past half an hour was fun, Lorelai had to admit. The tea party hadn't been bad either. For now, there had been a non aggression treaty formed between herself and Rory for Gigi's sake and she was thankful for it. Lorelai was thankful that after the sugar-rush this morning, and all the games later Gigi had admitted defeat and fallen asleep while hiding in Rory's closet. She'd taken the sleeping girl upset stairs with every intention on joining her in slumber. Rory was off to see Lane and now that she had sometime to herself she thought it too quiet.
Having Gigi here with her only reminded her how much she'd begun to loathe waking up alone. Waking up every morning in Christopher's arms had not taken any time to get used to, so why was she having such a hard time going back to waking up alone? She'd done it for twenty years! The sound of Gigi's slight wheeze was pulling her closer to sleep. She made a mental note to keep an eye out. That sounded like the beginning of a cold.
Lorelai awoke and immediately reached out to make sure Gigi was still there. She was surprised to see Christopher sitting in the chair on the other side of the room. The very chair that ordinarily lay draped with clothes she'd decided not to wear that day. The timid smile she produced meant to portray how she felt – happy – about his presence, but it came across as trite. Christopher wished it hadn't. He would've given just about anything to have been on the receiving end of a real smile in that moment. He'd arrived at the house not more than ten minutes ago to find the downstairs empty. He'd taken the stairs almost timidly in search of his girls. His heart had swelled looking at the two sleeping beauties. He'd had no choice but to take a seat. It felt right; coming home to them. The enormity of that had taken the wind out of him and he'd felt his knees go weak.
This hadn't been the first time he'd arrived and found Lorelai and his daughter asleep. Though that time it had been Rory and she'd been in an accident. He'd watched his girls sleep then too, wishing things could be different. Now, today, he'd had the very same feeling and it was all too much. He always seemed to be wishing things were different with Lorelai and his daughters. For a brief point is his life things had been perfect. His life was exactly what he wished it would be.
"Hey. When'd you get in?" She asked speaking in hushed tones as to not wake the sleeping five years old, subconsciously running her hands through her hair. It was perfect to him. She had no reason to worry.
"A few minutes ago. Gigi wore you out, huh?" He responded in the same quiet tone.
"Yeah, she did. Let me go, uh, wash my face. Can you excuse me a sec?"
"Yeah, sure. I'll be downstairs."
She found him on the couch, gazing at the blank television. He seemed tense. She noticed him clench his jaw when she came closer. She took a seat to his right and paused, suddenly unsure of what to say or how to say it. "How was work?"
"Honestly? I have no idea."
"That good, huh?"
"Couldn't concentrate. Everything at work is fine but my mind was here." Looking ahead he did his best to remain calm. He promised her they'd talk and he was going to do what he said he would.
"Chris, I'm sorry." As if he was refusing to meet her eyes he closed his. He had never been any good at resisting Lorelai and he had no desire to test the strength of those eyes today.
As if composing himself, he took a breath then sighed, replying with a bleak, "I know." "And for what it's worth so am I." He continued. "I could see that you weren't happy but I ignored it. I pushed those feelings aside thinking it was just me."
"Chris, I was happy, but I was scared. I don't know how to do this. I've never been married before, and it's you." She tried to explain but failed miserably. What she was hoping to get across was lost in transmission.
Dejected, Chris said what he thought "Right. It was me. Not him."
"Chris."
"You were fighting me on everything. It's like once we said those vows it changed. Something clicked for you and you regretted it so you were trying to push me away. Hoping I'd leave. And I know, I'd given you plenty reason to think that, what with our history-"
Breaking into the conversation Lorelai disagreed gently, "No, it wasn't like that."
He met her eyes and despite the fear in them he trudged forward, "I wanted it more than you and when you saw that I wasn't going anywhere you made me so uncomfortable. Forcing me to go out on man-dates with the guys in town, commenting on my clothes, you weren't happy with me so you tried to make into someone else, you tried to change me." By the time he'd finished his thought his voice level had been noticeably higher.
"I never wanted you to be anyone else. This is unfair. You're not even listening to me!"
"You wanted me to give, give, give, and I was willing, but you weren't willing to give on anything!"
"You were pressuring me!"
"Mom, Dad. Where's Gigi?"
"Hey, kiddo. Sorry, we didn't hear you come in."
"Hi Dad. I'm just going to grab Gig' so you guys can finish this."
"She's still asleep Rory." Lorelai weighed in, thankful for Rory's interruption. She didn't like where things were going.
"Still?" She questioned. "Well, it's okay, she's been out for a while. I'll wake her, that way she won't be up half the night."
"That's a good idea. I'll wake her. Just give me a few minutes Ror." Chris volunteered as he walked up to her and gave her a small hug. "How ya' feeling today?"
"Better than you." He let that hang in the air as he took the stairs two at a time. He found Gigi awake on the bed.
"Honey. Hey, I didn't know you were up. Come here. I missed you." She reached her arms up to him as he approached the bed and wrapped them tightly around his neck when he was within reach.
"I missed you, too." Still holding tight she asked, "Daddy?"
"Yeah?"
"Can this be our home?"
"What?"
"I want this to be our home, with me and you and Rory and Auntie Lorelai. Can it Daddy? Please. I promise I'll be good everyday like I was good today."
"Oh honey. You're perfect, but that's not how we decided where we're going to live. Mommies and Daddies decide that but don't worry hon. I promise, you're home will have everything you ever dreamed it would." He'd make damn sure of it.
"Will it have a pony?"
"If that's what you want."
"What about Auntie Lorelai? Is she going to be there?"
"We'll see. Come on. Rory's downstairs waiting on you."
"Rory!"
After getting Gigi and Rory out the door Chris found Lorelai in the kitchen. "I made coffee. Have some."
"Thanks. I'm good."
"Good thing Rory came in when she did, huh?" She made an attempt at levity but again, it was lost on Christopher.
"I don't want to have a screaming match with you Lorelai. This is just so damn hard."
"No, it's not. I mean, it doesn't have to be."
"Lorelai, why are you doing this? You're confusing me. I don't know how to deal with this. At least when Sherry left she knew that she wanted to go. You have no clue what you want."
"This is nothing like what Sherry did! How dare you?"
"Isn't it?" He challenged.
"Look, Chris. I was scared. How many times can I say it? I felt like my life was out of my hands, out of my control. You were pulling the strings. You were pushing me, and you just kept pushing. I didn't what else to do so I started pulling away."
"You know what you do Lor, you talk about it. You talk to your husband and you let him in. What you don't do is shut him out. I gave you plenty of chances Lor. I was here and not just physically. You had all of me."
"Everything was changing! My life was changing."
"Nothing was changing because you wouldn't let it. Everything I suggested you shut down. I had to fight you for Gigi to have a place to sleep. You know this house isn't big enough for the four of us but you wouldn't even consider giving it up. You were forcing me to live in the house that Luke built!"
"Oh, Chris."
"No, Lor. No matter what I tried to do to smooth the transition it was of no use. It was all bad, or wrong, or not what you had or did when you were single. Well you know what Lor? We got married. You're life was supposed to change. For the better."
"You know what? You're right. You're right about everything. Does that make you happy?"
"Why would that make me happy Lorelai? Why? Do you know how many times I've asked you to marry me over the years? Huh? Five and that's not including when we were sixteen and just found out we were pregnant. Four times you said no. Didn't even consider it. And when you finally said yes, I knew my life would be perfect from that moment on."
Ashamed by the enormity of what he'd shared Lorelai focused on the table, avoiding his eyes. Wanting to ignore the silence that suddenly engulfed the kitchen. She had no idea what he wanted her to say. He'd said so much. "I considered it every time you asked."
She'd never heard such timidity in her own voice. This was completely foreign to her; these feelings, this uncertainty. Vulnerability was a feeling she loathed and that was the only way she could describe the way she felt right now. Vulnerable. This is exactly why she was so hesitant to put her heart out there. She thought she'd never feel like she felt when she and Luke broke up the first time, but this was far worse. How could you miss someone so much when they were sitting right next to you? Lorelai had not seen Christopher as doleful as this moment. She knew him better than anyone but she didn't know how to fix this.
When Christopher had reached out to her after Sherry left she'd been his saving grace, swooping in and helping make things better. That had been the low point in his life and she was there to help him through it. He'd turned to her. When she was at what she believed to be her lowest, when she'd ended thing with Luke, she'd turned to him. They'd always been each other's safe place. But in this moment, the shelter of each other's arms wouldn't fix it. They had to try harder. They had to dig deeper. She had to find a way to fix this. They could be fixed, couldn't they?
Christopher couldn't deny his feelings for this woman if he wanted to. She'd been quiet for too long. Not talking, was not something she was known for. When he looked at her and saw the tears on her cheeks his heart lurched and he reached out to her, stroking her hair. "Lor…Lorelai."
She didn't know how long he'd been trying to get her attention. She'd zoned out; gotten lost in her thoughts. Unconsciously she leaned into his hand and when the other came up to wipe the tears she didn't realize were running down her cheeks she covered his hand with hers. "Please, don't cry. I'm sorry. You're right, I'm not being fair. I'm not blameless. I was wrong, too. I wasn't there for you like you needed to be, when you needed me. I…I wasn't there when Richard had his heart attack and I'll never forgive myself for that. I don't expect you to forgive me either. You were right to doubt if I'd be there. I did exactly what I promised you I wouldn't."
"No. No, Chris you were only gone because of me and that stupid letter. It wasn't even a letter, I swear. I pushed you away. You were gone because of me." She wasn't able to stop the tears from falling and he let her cry.
"Lorelai." He pulled his hand away, realizing for the first time that their fingers had laced together. "It wasn't just about the letter. It was everything. There is so much more to it."
She reached for his hand again, pulled it to her chest, "I know. But Chris I love you. I want you. I want us."
Now was his turn to be betrayed by his eyes. There was no escaping the tumultuous feelings raging inside of him at this moment. "Why couldn't you have known that before? Why couldn't you have said that last night? That was all I needed to hear but you couldn't bring yourself to say it."
"I'm saying it now and I mean it."
Okay… That seems like a good place to stop for now. It's a little longer than usual, but these two have A LOT to work out. Tell me what you think. I'm eager to hear it.
