Once they got home, Rei walked over to the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee. The question Shinji had blurted out had unintentionally caused a small crisis to unfold between the pair, and rather than go to bed shaken they'd decided to stay up for a bit and talk it out.

Over the course of four hours, the couple had a deep, unpleasant discussion about each other and their future. Fuelled by alcohol and exhausted from their long night out, both of them were tired and snappy – voices were raised and feelings were hurt, and nothing had been resolved by the time they decided to call it a night.

As the pair lifelessly undressed and got into bed, the first rays of sunlight began to rise over the horizon. Shielding his eyes from the rapidly lightening morning sky, Shinji turned towards Rei and settled in to sleep. Greeted by her pale back, Shinji knew that she was still upset.

And all he could think was "It's my fault."


"You what?!"

Shinji stood and stared at his father. The words that had come out of the older man's mouth were unfeeling and unexpected, and Shinji felt like he'd been backed into a corner.

"I said I've enrolled you in a starter school, to prepare you for work at NERV."

Though Gendo had seemed kind earlier, his voice and stature were now ice-cold. Staring at Shinji, he waited for an answer.

So… he didn't want me around after all. He wants to put me in a school and have me take after him.

"…Why? Why now, after 15 years? Do you even know if I'm good at math?"

Gendo furrowed his brow. "I know about your grades – you get by with decent marks. That's all you need."

A wave of desperation and nausea washed over Shinji. Gendo continued:

"As for why now… you're my son, Shinji. I want to get to know you better. I've neglected you in the past, but now I have the time and focus to—"

"NO!" Shinji cut Gendo off with a loud rejection. Bristling with rage, Shinji had dug his fingernails into his palm – to the point where he was beginning to break the skin.

The older man was taken aback, and with the lull in conversation Shinji began to babble.

"You think… now that it's convenient for you, you can bring me into your life? Do you realize how unfair that is to me?! I could have used you when I was a child – I made a life there, and now I'm here at your request because you decided that you have the time for me! How selfish is that?!"

An awkward silence settled over the pair – Shinji mortified over his sudden outburst, and Gendo sinking into an arm-chair, deep in thought.

After a minute of silence, Gendo softly spoke up.

"…Shinji. Do you want to return to your home?"

His earlier confidence gone, Shinji's voice shook with fear and sadness.

"I can't. Everything I have is being shipped here now, it'd be unfair on Auntie and Uncle to unpack everything again. I-I can't go home."

I can't go home. The thought made Shinji feel sick.

Gendo sighed.

"…I have a room set up for you, if you'd like to use it. It's late – we should both get some sleep."

Heavy with anger and grief, Shinji turned towards the hallway without saying another word. Inspecting each door, he came across one with a sign hanging from the door handle.

Shinji's Room.

Breathing in sharply, Shinji opened the door.

Inside, there was a king-sized bed and a decently sized writing desk. A bookshelf in the corner held a variety of books – popular shonen manga, classic literature, books on economics. There was also a small table in the center of the room.

Everything looked brand-new – and expensive. Overcome with a pang of guilt, Shinji looked over to the desk. Something was lying on top of it.

Upon closer inspection, Shinji realized that it was a top-of-the-line cell phone.

Next to it sat a letter addressed to him, hand-written on expensive looking stationary. Delicately, Shinji opened the letter and began to read.


Shinji.

First of all, thank you for coming to Tokyo-3. It must have been a hard step, leaving your childhood home to live with someone you've barely met. I'm aware that it's all so sudden – I'm sorry.

There are reasons for my absence in your life. I don't know if I can adequately discuss them at the moment – they are difficult for me, both to feel and to describe. If you like, we can sit down and discuss them some time. As convenient as it would be to write down for you, they are words that should be spoken.

Most of all, I want you to know that I am very sorry for not being there for you. I earnestly wish that I had been there for you as a child – now you've grown so much, and I don't know if I'm too late to meet you. I hope not.

I may seem like a cold man, Shinji, but I really do love you. I want to get to know you, and I want to give you a happy life. Please, accept this gift – you could use it when you begin school.

Kind regards

Dad


The anger Shinji felt towards his father was soon challenged by an overwhelming sense of guilt and happiness. The conflicting emotions were too much for him to bear, and he sank to the floor in tears.

How am I meant to feel right now?

Shinji clutched the letter in his hands, and re-read every line repeatedly. All it did was make him doubt himself more, swinging between guilt and anger at his father.

He went to put the letter in his pocket – and found a scrap of paper.

Misato's phone number.

"If you need someone to talk to, you can give me a call."

His tears slowing, he reached up and grasped the phone given to him by his father. Dialing the number, Shinji nervously brought the phone to his ear as Misato's phone began ringing.

After a long few seconds, Misato picked up.

"Hmm? Who's this?"

She sounded groggy and irritated. Looking at the time, Shinji realized that it was nearly midnight.

"O-oh, I'm sorry… I didn't realize it was so late. This is Shinji."

"Oh, it's 'right. How're you doing?"

Shinji sat up against the side of his bed, drawing his knees close to him.

"...It sounds like I woke you up. I'm sorry."

"Nah, it's fine." Trying her best to sound chipper and awake, Shinji could hear the sleep in Misato's voice.

"Well… my dad came home. And he seemed really nice – he cooked dinner, he spoke to me really nicely…"

Shinji told her about the evening he'd had – his father's warm reception, the sudden revelation and change of mood, and the things he'd already bought for his room. Though Misato offered words of encouragement, Shinji's mood didn't improve as he explained how he felt about the situation.

"…He enrolled me into a NERV school, Misato. He brought me over so I'd join NERV. He didn't even see if that's what I wanted – he just judged me by my grades."

"Shinji… listen, he just wants to have you nearby. Enrolling you in a NERV school was probably just less paperwork for him – they don't just teach economic stuff, they try and fit in a full curriculum—"

"No, he said that he wanted me to join NERV." Exhausted, Shinji could barely sound angry as he interrupted Misato. "He enrolled me based on my grades, and didn't think about if I wanted to follow him into tax work. He said it himself."

He sighed, the late hour and powerful wave of emotions taking their toll on him.

"I just… feel so used."

Misato's end went quiet for a moment. Worried by the silence, Shinji spoke again.

"…But when I went to my room, he… bought me so many nice things. He bought me a really nice cell phone. Misato, is… is it wrong to reject him? He's already done so much for me… is it wrong to throw it back in his face?"

"Shinji…"

Misato took a slow, deep breath.

"...If you feel bad about your father doing all that, then I can't tell you any different. Your emotions are valid because you feel them, and I can't say anything to say that you're wrong about this. But I think he's really trying to connect with you – it'd be worth a shot to hear him out and spend some time with him."

Shinji took a few seconds to process what Misato had just told him. Quietly, he responded:

"…If all my feelings are valid, then how do I pick between feeling happy or sad?"

"To be honest, Shinji—" Misato stifled a yawn, and shifted in her bed, "I don't know. You're going to have to figure it out by yourself."

Shinji was at a loss for words, but offered a quiet "Okay" in response.

Tired and at the end of their conversation, both Shinji and Misato said goodbye. But as Shinji went to hang up the phone, Misato caught his attention again.

"Look, uhh… this is kind of a dumb thing to say, but I wanna state it now so that you don't forget."

"Yeah?"

"Don't be a stranger, alright? You seem like the kinda person who gets all hung up on calling other people, so I'm telling you now – I'll be around if you need to speak to someone. Don't get all nervous about giving me a call if you need to talk, even if it's past 12:30 on a work night."

Looking at his watch, Shinji realized that it was 12:43.

"Sor—"

"No, no apologies!" Misato's sudden enthusiasm caught Shinji off-guard, and he jumped. "If you need to call me, then call me! Understood?"

"Y-yes, Miss Katsuragi!"

Misato sighed an exaggerated sigh.

"Just call me Misato, alright? "Miss Katsuragi" makes me feel old!"

"Yes, I understand!" Shinji bowed formally – realizing that he was on the phone after he'd done it.

"Alright, that's settled!" Misato let out a loud yawn.

Shinji himself felt a wave of exhaustion wash over him.

"I-I'm going to hang up now, if that's okay."

"Alright, then. It was nice speaking to you, Shinji~" Misato blew a kiss through the phone.

"Good night, Miss—Misato."

"Aaaahh, you nearly slipped up~" Misato gave a slightly mocking giggle through the phone. On that note, Shinji hung up.

She couldn't help me with my emotions, but I still feel so much better after talking to her.

I… I think I like her.

Thousands of thoughts flooded through Shinji's head as he climbed into bed. Misato. His new life in Tokyo-3. His father.

Nothing made any sense to him, and he fell asleep in a confused, exhausted daze.


The next morning, Gendo was passing by Shinji's room on his way to the bathroom. A slip of paper caught his eye – it was sticking out from under Shinji's door, and it was addressed to him.

A letter…?

Gendo picked it up. It was indeed a letter, a fair bit rougher than the one he'd written to his son. Shinji's handwriting was a bit sloppy, and the paper he had used was wrinkled and unkempt.

Regardless, Gendo took it with him into the kitchen and began to read it.


Dad

You were honest with me, so I'll be honest with you. I don't know how to feel about all this. You know how long you've been absent from my life – that's had a big impact on how I see you, and how I've grown up. Coming to a strange city, just to be told that you brought me over to follow you in your career… It really hurt.

I called a friend of mine last night. They helped me try to understand your reasoning. I can at least understand where you're coming from, but at the same time I'm still a bit caught on why you brought me over. I never really wanted to be a tax worker – so you saw that I had good grades and deemed me worthy of succeeding you? That's a bit unfair.

…That's not really fair on you. That's putting words in your mouth. It feels like that's what you're doing, but I can't say exactly what your goals are without being presumptuous. And after all, you did say you wanted to spend time with me now that you have the chance – I'm sorry.

For what it's worth, I do believe what you wrote in your letter. Honestly, thank you for taking the time to write it, and make your intent as clear as possibly to me. I'm caught between feeling a bit betrayed about being brought here to join NERV and feeling happy at finally being a family – it's incredibly confusing, and I don't know how to feel exactly.

I can't say that this situation is great, because while you've already done something incredibly nice with stocking my room, I'm not following your reason for bringing me over. I'm very confused, and I'm still kind of hurt. I'm willing to give this a try, but… I think we're on shaky ground right now.

I'm sorry, but that's just how I'm feeling at the moment.

For better or for worse,

Your Son, Shinji


Gendo folded the letter and laid it gently on the table in front of him. Then, heaving a large sigh, he put his head in his hands.

"…I made a mistake."

AN: Merry Christmas and a happy new year, y'all! I'm a bit late with this chapter, I know – I had it roughly completed by New Years, but I felt that it needed more work. I think the extra time helped a little with its quality, which is great.

I decided to split this flashback into three chapters. Basically, it's because I feel like the bases I'm covering work better as separate chapters. They cover three particular scenarios – from Shinji meeting his father, to Shinji meeting Rei and falling in love with her. Rather than cram them into a 7,000 word epic, I feel like it's better to separate them and write them as the individual scenarios they are.

I know I said this flashback would focus exclusively on Shinji and Rei, but I ended up running with a different idea. I am getting to it – the conclusion to this extended flashback will have sweet Shinji/Rei goodness, as well as explain a couple of things about Rei and establish their connection. Why is Rei's hair blue, for one? Initially it was "because it is" – now it has a reason. Stay tuned – hopefully it won't be on the same level as Star Wars' "midichlorians" explanation.

One more thing – I'm thinking of making a Tumblr for this fanfic, just a place for me to talk about it. I have trouble finding the motivation to write, but I actually really like this story. It's probably the second best thing I've ever written, and I want to expand to somewhere where I can talk about the story and discuss how each chapter's going. I'll link it in the next chapter.

All I have left to write after this monumental Author's Note? I will see you all around in the new year, and thank you for reading!