Over the next two months, Marian found that living with Cullen wasn't so difficult. He was a respectful house mate and since he was only there in the evenings and left early in the morning, she generally had the house to herself. They spoke when he got home and every night she retired to the master room and him to the guest room. As the days turned to weeks and then to months Marian looked forward to his return in the evenings. She even stopped hunting cutpurses at night so she could spend more time with him. Well, that was one reason, the other was Varric reminding her that she should keep a low profile since the apostate incident at her wedding.
She learned a lot about Cullen during those two months. His last name for one.
"You mean it's not templar?" She jested, chuckling to herself.
"No, unfortunately not." He said, smiling at her.
"Rutherford. Hmm." She felt the word in her mouth. Cullen Stanton Rutherford. She supposed by Chantry vows that was part of her name now. Cullen told her she did not need to worry about that. He made it clear she could keep any name she wanted. Marian had told him not to worry about it.
She learned that he was from Honneleath, which wasn't all that far from Lothering, well it was in the mountains, but only about a week's ride. That he had two sisters and a younger brother. They shared many stories about their siblings when she learned that. Cullen knew what it was like to grow up with a house full of siblings. That he had always wanted to be a templar, something she found odd.
"I wanted to protect people, is that so hard to imagine?" Cullen had asked her when she expressed surprise over him wanting to be a templar.
"I guess not, but...hunting mages..." She trailed off, staring at her wine glass.
"I didn't become a templar to hunt mages. That was never why I joined the Order."
"Then why?"
"Because templars are not about hunting mages." Marian made a noise in her throat, but Cullen continued. "They are about protecting people, yes from magic, but they also protect mages from people. They keep order and keep everyone secure."
Marian rolled her eyes, but decided not to argue. Cullen told her he left home when he was still a boy, that he hadn't been back home since then. That she was shocked about. He said he hadn't had the opportunity and that he hadn't written home since being transferred to Kirkwall.
"But your family?" Marian stared at him. "You don't know...the Blight?"
Cullen looked down. "I have...I am not sure...I am a different man."
"You are their family. Cullen..." She reached out to touch his hand. Cullen looked at her and she saw the sadness and something...else. Fear. "Write to them." She grinned. "At the very least I imagine they would want to know you're married." She laughed and Cullen's lips quirked up and he nodded.
She had learned many things about Cullen since she had moved into his house by the docks, but still she wasn't sure why she felt so...strange. She looked forward to him coming home, but shouldn't it be...shouldn't there be...more.
"It's odd." She said to Isabela one afternoon in the Hanged Man. It was getting later in the day and she would be leaving soon to meet Cullen. She often left the tavern early to wait for Cullen instead of staying out with the gang. Something Isabela found hilarious most evenings.
"What is, cupcake?" She was eyeing a group of sailors across the room.
"Well, I mean it's been two months since I moved into Cullen's house and...he hasn't tried anything." She frowned into her drink as she thought about Cullen. Maker the man hadn't even tried to hug her since she moved in. And they spent almost every night together talking. "Isn't there some sort of guy code that says when a woman is living in your house you're supposed to make a move." She turned to see Isabela suddenly giving Marian her full attention.
"You're telling me that you have been living with that delicious Knight-Captain for two months and haven't had your warden grey'd?"
Marian blinked at the pirate. "What?"
Isabela frowned. "Don't play coy. You haven't had your peach plundered. I can't let that stand, especially when the one who should be plundering needs it desperately. If I've ever seen a man in need—but let's focus on you." Isabela gave her a wide grin and settled herself more thoroughly in the chair and called Norah over for drinks.
Marian shook her head. It was useless to argue now so she listened to the well-versed pirate's advice on how to get Cullen to show his true feelings for her. Of which Isabela assured her the man was mad for her. "Anyone with eyes can see that, cupcake." And perhaps he would do more than show.
That evening she went home with a plan. She was nervous. Marian knew that over the last few months she had begun to have feelings for the templar...again. Every night when he came home and told her about his day in the Gallows, she listened, which shocked even her at times. She heard about the training of his men. She knew which men needed more training and which were excelling. He told her his worries about Meredith's strict measures, but that he wasn't sure what he could do.
"I'm her Knight-Captain. I train recruits and see that the regular templars can still wield a blade. I don't usually deal directly with the mages in the Gallows. I can't do anything without Meredith's consent. If I did, I would be written up. And that would be the least of my worries." He had told her one evening when she asked why he didn't try to make the mage's lives better.
Marian had told him about her life growing up: about Lothering, her father, and even about Bethany.
"She sounds like a wonderful girl. I wish I could have met her." He had said wistfully the evening she told him about her family's flight from Lothering.
"Have a thing for Hawkes now, do you?" She had said jokingly and watched him blush.
They had spoken every night. After the first week, Cullen had asked her about her magic.
"Why? Wondering when I'm going to become an abomination?" She had shot at him angrily.
Rubbing the back of his neck he told her he worried. "It's my job. It's not something I can ever get away from. I've seen you do magic. I am confident that you have control...but...just work with me here, Marian."
Rolling her eyes, she had gone through several spells with the templar's close watch. Finally, she raised her eyebrows. "Did I pass your test?"
"No test. You are remarkable, you know that?" She had blushed and the evening had gone on amiably afterwards.
Now she paced nervously. She had come home and bathed and then put on her short red dress with the Amell sigil on the back and breast. She parted the front so some of her cleavage showed and put on small slippers to accentuate her long legs.
Isabela's number one rule was that men could be turned on by what they couldn't see just as much as by what they could see. In accordance, the red dress was tightened around the waist with a small belt that hinted at her curves.
Marian heard the door click open and stopped, her heart racing.
Cullen walked through the door and smiled when he first saw her, then his eyes widened and his mouth opened in slight shock as he took in the entire sight of her.
She tried to remain calm and confident and put on a wide smile. "By the shock on your face I would think you were expecting someone else, Knight-Captain."
He blushed and looked away. "N-no, just surprised to-" He cleared his throat and pointed towards the stairs. "I'm going to change...if you don't-"
"Yes. Go ahead. I'll just be...down here." She gave him a flirtatious smile and leaned against the chair. "Go change into something more...comfortable."
Cullen blushed deeper and headed up the stairs.
When he returned Marian had moved into the dining room. Cullen had hired an elf named Olivia to clean the house twice a week since Marian had scrunched up her nose the second day and told him about her horrible experiences cleaning up after her two brothers at Gamlen's. While she hated cleaning, she had enjoyed cooking for him. She had found that her cooking skills weren't as bad as she thought. And Cullen appreciated her Ferelden cooking, even her stew.
Over the past months they had developed a regular schedule where she would wait for him to come home and they would eat together. It was odd to be home so early. When she had lived at the Amell estate she had always stayed in Anders' clinic until dark and then only trudged home when the Warden had told her to get rest. She hadn't seen Anders since the night before her wedding. Marian enjoyed these dinners with Cullen. She loved when he would relax after dinner and his smile would come more easily. He always sent her a note if he was going to be late or held up at the Gallows. Those nights she usually spent reading by the fire and then going to bed early.
Cullen sat down at the table in his usual spot, at the corner of the end closest to the kitchen. Usually, Marian would sit across from him. Tonight, she took the chair directly to his right and sat down smiling at him. He started slightly and looked nervously at her.
"How was your day?" She asked as she set food on her plate.
"Um...fine." He glanced at her, licking his lips slightly. She saw his eyes dart down her neckline before he blushed and turned back to his food, shoving it into his mouth to distract himself.
She smiled coyly while she ate and let the silence follow.
He finished his meal quickly, glancing at her occasionally before quickly turning back to his food. As he finished Marian put down her fork and turned to him, a large smile on her face. She rested her head in her hand and bounced her foot up and down under the table.
"So, apostate got your tongue?"
Cullen turned to her, blinking slightly, his eyes darting before he could stop them. Then he physically looked away. "No. I just...today wasn't very exciting is all." He said between closed teeth, his eyes closed as his head was turned slightly away from her.
"I'm sure we could find something...exciting to do."
He made a small strangled noise in the back of his throat and she saw the blush creeping across the back of his neck.
Marian reached up with her hand and lightly trailed it across the back of his neck and up through the soft curls where his hair line began. She had been itching to do that for a very long time. He started and jumped out of his chair staring down at her. She put on an expression of surprise but it was ruined by the small smile she wore at his reaction.
"Is something wrong?" She purred getting up. She had been practicing her seductive voice all day. She stepped toward him and he took a step back. She frowned. "Cullen?" This isn't what was supposed to happen. Isabela had told her he would practically jump on her. Why wasn't he?
He put his hand up and looked at her. She saw the anguish in his eyes and her heart stopped and contracted. "Marian. Stop."
She sucked in air and stared at him. The silence stretched on for minutes. She felt hot pins over her body and she looked down at the table. He didn't move. Finally, she asked in a small voice. "D-don't you...I thought you liked me?" Her eyes were hot and she forced the tears back.
"Marian." His voice caught and she glanced up to see the torn expression he wore and the pleading look in his eyes. "Please. I...you know I...this isn't you." He gestured to her outfit and the table.
She looked confused and glanced down at what she was wearing and back at him. "What do you mean it isn't me? Of course it is. I'm standing right here."
"No. It isn't. This...thing...this act...you are trying to put on. It's not you. It's not the woman I- it's just not you, Marian."
"I don't understand." She said confusedly. "I thought you...you don't want this?" You don't want me?She thought desperately.
Cullen reached her before she could react. His hand cupped her face and brought it up to look at him. His amber eyes were clouded and she could see the fight he was trying not to show her.
"I-Maker Marian you have no idea. I just...I can't. Not like this. It has to be you. The real you. Not some..." He sighed and dropped his hand, not looking directly at her. "I need you to feel the same way about me that I feel about you. I want you to wantme. As silly as that sounds. And if this is what you think I want...then I don't think you're ready...I need to know you're ready." He glanced at her and then away.
"I...think it's best if-" He cleared his throat. "Good night, Marian." He walked past her quickly and before she could respond he was out the door.
"But I do want you." She whispered after him.
The week after Marian's failed attempt to seduce Cullen was filled with awkward silences. The first few days Marian didn't even show up for dinner. Cullen had to scrounge around and find something edible for himself. When she finally did come to dinner she ate very quickly and practically ran up to her room. He would then go to his study and work on countless boring reports with his door open. Hoping she might come out and talk to him before finally giving up and going to bed. A week after, when she was scarfing down her dinner, he finally got up the courage to ask her about her day. She stared at him like a wild animal caught in a trap before swallowing and telling him quietly. Before he knew it he had her talking and laughing again. It had felt good to talk to her without blushes and pauses. He had known he had to give her time. He needed time as well.
It had been the hardest thing he had ever done, stepping away from her that night and going upstairs, alone. Seeing her in that robe, the same one she had worn the day he and Garrett agreed on the marriage, it had driven him mad with want. But he saw what she was doing and he saw how nervous she was, even as she tried to play it off with smiles and breathless speaking, he knew he couldn't do anything. Not then. Not until she was ready. Because he knew that she wasn't ready that night. Not until she could tell him how she felt. And he could tell her what she already knew. That she was the only woman he would ever want.
Cullen walked into the house that night and felt an odd sense of quiet. He stopped just inside the door and looked around, listening. Normally, Marian would be curled up by the fire waiting for him, or in the dining room setting the table. Today, he heard nothing. Quickly moving to the dining room he saw she wasn't there and bounded up the stairs. Perhaps she was in her room? Or had gone out and left him a message? Even during the few days after the incident she had left him a note so that he wouldn't worry. He knew she had mentioned going to see her mother soon. He knocked on her door and opened it a crack, but saw nothing. He pushed it open fully and saw that she wasn't in the room. He went into his study, hoping she had left him a note, but there was none on his desk.
He grasped around in his head, wondering if she had mentioned something, trying to control the bit of fear entering his heart. Last night she had seemed a bit quiet. She had picked at her food and glanced at him, but he had simply imagined she was in one of her 'spells' where she needed space. Running a gauntleted hand through his hair Cullen realized he had to decide what to do. He could change and stay in the house hoping she came back. Or he could go look for her.
Staring at his desk hoping a message would magically appear he groaned and walked out of his study. He wasn't about to sit around not knowing if she was safe or not. It was his job to make sure she was.
Cullen's first stop was the one place in Kirkwall he knew someone would have seen or heard from Marian that day...the Hanged Man. As he entered the dingy tavern he scrunched up his nose. Maker, why would she come here? The place smelled horrible and by the look of it half the men there had some criminal record. He internally groaned and knew he stuck out like a sore thumb with his gleaming templar armor. He could see some of the patrons glancing uneasily at him and even the barkeeper was giving him an appraising look.
He knew that both Varric, the dwarf her brother employed occasionally, and the pirate Isabela, who Cullen disapproved of greatly but never told Marian, knowing she enjoyed the woman's company far too much to listen to him, would be in the Hanged Man somewhere. They were likely to have seen or know of someone that had seen Marian that day. He would start there and find out where she was.
He approached the bar. "Have you seen a dwarf, Varric or a woman by the name of Isabela?" He asked the barman.
The barman glanced around uneasily while he cleaned a pitcher with the filthiest rag Cullen had ever seen. After a few moments, he shook his head. "N'ver 'eard of 'em." He said loudly.
"Well now Corff, that's no way to treat an esteemed guest at the Hanged Man." Cullen turned around to see the dwarf in question descending from the stairs. "I thought I heard some self-righteousness, but I thought it was Choir Boy."
Cullen stared at the dwarf. He was eccentric looking, and Cullen vaguely remembered him from his wedding day. He and the pirate had both been there. Varric approached him with a grin on his face, clearly sizing Cullen up as well.
"What do you need Knight-Captain? Or perhaps I should call you Hawkette's husband. Has a bit of a ring to it, doesn't it?"
Cullen glared at him, he already distrusted the flamboyant dwarf. "Do you know where Marian is?" He asked curtly.
"Know where Marian is? Well. That is a prize bit of information, isn't it?" Varric leaned slightly against one of the tables, his eyes running over Cullen. Then, examining the table for dust the dwarf continued. "I wonder what the going price for that is?"
Cullen quickly crossed the distance between them and stood over the smaller dwarf. "Is your life worth it, dwarf?" He growled, his eyes glinting dangerously. This place made him uneasy and he wasn't about to be led on by a dwarf.
"Oh, so protective. How adorable." Varric wasn't intimidated in the slightest and instead his smile grew a little larger.
Cullen's hand instinctively went towards his sword pommel.
"Tsk. Please. Can we not be civilized?" Varric looked up at him.
He ground his teeth in frustration. "Just tell me where she is. I only want to make sure she is safe."
"Safe? Well in that case you need not worry. I know she is safe. That should be enough for you."
Cullen grabbed the dwarf before he could control his anger, pushing him against the table. "Tell me where she is!" He was seeing red and a small part of him was terrified. What if she had left? What if she was dead and the dwarf was trying to cover his tracks? He would kill him if that was the case. He felt the tavern grow silent and still. Not a good sign for him.
He felt something cold against his neck and glared at the quick dwarf. "I would control that temper of yours, templar. Might get you in trouble one of these days."
"I suggest you tell me where she is." He said, his voice shaking in anger.
"Is it worth your life?" The dagger pressed a little when Cullen didn't let go of him.
"What do you think Hawke will do to you?" Cullen asked and instantly the knife was gone. He dropped the dwarf on the ground and straightened. Funny that his brother-in-law's name would have such an effect on Varric. He had said it on a whim. He glared at the dwarf. "Now where is she?"
Varric looked cross and glared slightly at the ground. "Her and Rivaini went to a tavern. Happy? They're safe."
"What tavern?" Cullen growled. He would check on her to make sure the dwarf was telling the truth. If she was he would leave her be. If she wasn't...
Varric seemed to contemplate and glanced at Cullen. Finally, he threw up his hands and muttered, "I warned her." Before continuing louder, "They went to the Blooming Rose."
