A/N: To understand the chapter title reference, check chapter sixty-one of Criminally Insane Just Got More Legal.
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Chapter Nine: A Solution To Everything
Hannah
While Kate was having her glorious I-Actually-Did-Something Moment, I ran into Hidan and the two of us battled the Ino-Shika-Cho Trio (yes, they actually have a lame name for their group – it's not even original since their dads used the name first).
To start off with, let me tell you that Ino is a bitch.
"You're an ugly whore!" screamed Ino, throwing a kunai at my head.
"I've heard that one before," I said, quickly blocking the kunai with my incredible frying pan.
"I mean, really," cried Ino. "What do you do with your hair? Do you even do anything? It looks so plain and dull and blah!"
"Really?" I asked. "We're in the middle of a fight and you're commenting about my hair."
"I'm sorry," said Ino. She charged at me with a another kunai, but I blocked it at the last second. "But you're just so ugly that I can't help it."
I'll have you know her insults had no affect on me whatsoever. I mean it. It's not like I've ever cared about how I looked. Don't look at me like that – I really didn't care. It's not like I lost my head and tried to smash her ugly-piggy face in with my frying pan. I would never stoop to such a level.
So, while I was not going ballistic at Ino, Hidan was fighting Shikamaru and Chouji. Hidan had the upper hand, for the most part, but Shikamaru and Chouji were holding their own – well, mostly Shikamaru – I don't remember Chouji doing all that much.
"Why do I always end up fighting you?" asked Hidan.
Shikamaru scowled. "I could ask you the same question."
"What exactly is your problem with me, asshole?"
Shikamaru opened his mouth to reply, but Hidan cut across him.
"Whenever you see me, you come over and try to kill me. It's not like I've singled you out for a vendetta or anything – I'm fucking indiscriminate with my killing. But you and fatso over here have it out for me – it's fucking annoying."
Chouji's eyes narrowed. "What did you call me!"
"Fatso."
"I am not fat! It's chub!"
Chouji pounded his fists together and inflated into a giant ball.
Hidan stood back and stared at the effects of the jutsu for a second. "So you scream you're not fat and then expand into a giant bubble – yes, that makes perfect fucking sense!"
Chouji launched himself at Hidan, rolling through the air like a cannon ball. Hidan drew back his scythe, prepared to slice open Chouji like a grape. But before Hidan had a chance to attack, Kakuzu appeared out of nowhere and whacked Chouji with his briefcase. Chouji flew backwards, reducing to normal size before he hit the side of a building.
"Damn it, Kakuzu!" cried Hidan. "Jashin is not pleased with you!"
"Where have you been?" I asked, pushing Ino out of my way.
"Stealing from civilians," said Kakuzu cheerfully. "Christmas is such a great time of year."
"I don't like it," said Hidan. "Random people attack me for no good reason." He shot a glare in Shikamaru's direction.
"Y–" Shikamaru began.
"He probably has a reason," I said. "People generally don't attack you for no reason."
"That's complete bullshit," said Hidan. "Kakuzu attacks me for no reason all the time."
"There's always a reason," said Kakuzu.
"What?"
"You won't shut up."
Hidan scoffed. "That's a terrible reason to kill someone."
"Yes, because killing random people in the name of your made-up god is so much better."
"Don't insult Jashin's name, you heathen!"
Ino tried to attack me again, and barely dodged it and tried to whack her over the head with my frying pan. She blocked the frying pan and used her kunai to slice open my shoulder. I let out a cry of pain and jumped backwards.
"Ouch!" I wiped the blood from my shoulder. "Kakuzu, you're my boyfriend – shouldn't you do something about this?"
"Why?"
I sighed. "I don't know. Isn't that what boyfriends are supposed to do?"
"Maybe."
"I'll kill her for you," said Hidan, leaping forward. "In the name of Jashin."
"You're fighting me!" cried Shikamaru.
"Why?"
"Because you killed my sensei!"
Hidan glanced from me to Shikamaru to Kakuzu back to Shikamaru to Ino and then back to Shikamaru. Finally, Hidan turned to me. "Did I?"
"Asuma. Dessie called him Dark-Hottie, I think."
As the memory came rushing back to him, a slow grin crossed Hidan's face. "I remember now – I killed his sensei. Sucks to be you, shithead."
I sighed. "You do know that Shikamaru then tried to burry you in a hole. He almost succeeded until Dessie came a rescued you."
Hidan glared at me. "You could have left that part out, bitch."
"My girlfriend isn't a bitch," said Kakuzu.
I snorted. "Oh, now you act like a boyfriend."
"What?"
"Oh never mind."
Kakuzu took over my fight with Ino, while I headed away to fix my wound. I found Kate sitting on the ground amongst a pile of dead bodies, looking exhausted.
"Any bandages?" I asked.
"Yeah." She pulled out her pouch and began rummaging through the medical supplies.
"Why are you hanging out with the dead?" I asked. "Hoping to avoid attacks?"
"I'm protecting Zetsu's dinner."
I scrunched up my face. "Have fun with that."
Kate passed me some bandages and I wrapped up my shoulder. I passed back the remaining bandages and turned to face the battlefield.
"Tobi looks like he needs some help," said Kate.
I followed her gaze to see Tobi battling three Konoha shinobi. Usually, I'd expect him to defeat them easily – he normally goes into Madara mode whenever there's a threat around, but for some reason he seemed to be having trouble at the moment.
"I'll go rescue him," I said, gripping my frying pan. "I might not be that much help, but I might be able to whack him over the head."
"Go for it," said Kate. She leaned back against a dead woman and sighed. "I'll be here… With my new friends."
"Have fun with that."
I headed to Tobi, dodging amongst the battles going n around me. As soon as I arrived, I figured out why Tobi was having so much trouble. From what I could tell, he got hit over the head really hard and was now switching constantly between Madara and Tobi. It sounded a little something like this.
"Tobi is a – get out of my way, I want to crush some – good boy – traitorous heads – Tobi has to fight – stop talking – nice people – it's annoying – but he does it – and confusing – out of love – stop it – for his Nunus!"
"Hey," I said, stepping into the fight.
"Hannah-Nunu – the sadistic girl."
"Tobi, Madara," I greeted them politely (or as politely as I could muster since I was trying to restrain laughter). "How are you doing?"
"Tobi is – terrible – doing great!"
"I can see that.'
"Tobi missed – having fun – Hannah-Nunu – laughing at us,"
"You two are giving me a headache."
Tobi doesn't – good – want to give Hannah-Nunu – you deserve it – a headache."
I opened my mouth to say something, while the three shinobis Tobi-Madara were fighting exploded. I looked about wildly, and my gaze fell upon the giant clay bird that landed where the explosion had just occurred. Dessie and Deidara hopped of the bird, the both of them laughing maniacally at their success.
"Hey, Dessie," I said.
"Hey, Hannah." She glanced at Tobi-Madara and her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Which one are you?"
"Tobi! Guess."
Dessie raised one eyebrow and turned to me. "Well that was a confusing response."
"They're switching."
"Tobi is glad – nice to see you – Dessie-Nunu – crazy stalker – is okay – have you died yet?"
Dessie stared at Tobi-Madara for two seconds. Then, she grabbed her stomach and doubled over, trembling with wild laughter. "You've got to be kidding me! That's perfect! So perfect!"
"Tobi was – you're a – hit over the head – bitch – with a hammer – I hope – Tobi is glad – you choke – Dessie-Nunu is – and die – happy."
Dessie couldn't stop laughing.
"How do we fix it, uhn?" asked Deidara.
"Why would we fix it?" I asked. "This is hilarious."
"Yeah, but he's kind of useless, uhn. We are fighting Konoha."
Dessie stopped laughing long enough to answer Deidara's question. "We fix it like this." And with that, she whacked Madara (I think Tobi was Madara right then, though it was hard to tell) over the head. Madara's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he crumpled to the ground. But before the body could land, Tobi took control and hopped to his feet.
"Tobi thanks Dessie-Nunu."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I was trying to get it to land on Madara – I guess I failed."
"Dessie-Nunu doesn't love Tobi?"
"No."
Tobi looked close to tears. He turned to me and sniffled. "But Hannah-Nunu loves Tobi, right?"
"Sure."
Tobi giggled in delight and clapped his hands.
"No go kill people," I added.
"Anything for Hannah-Nunu." And with that, Tobi skipped off into the fray and started murdering left and right.
"He's such a cheerful little murderer," said Dessie fondly.
"Come on, uhn," said Deidara eagerly. "I see some Hyuuga waiting to become art!"
Dessie cackled and hopped on the back of the clay bird. Deidara paused and turned to me with a huge grin. "Want to come, uhn?"
I shook my head. "I prefer to keep two feet on the ground."
Deidara shrugged. "You have no appreciation for art, uhn." He jumped onto the back of the bird with Dessie. The beast flapped its wings and took off, soaring high into the sky, its clay eyes fixed on the Hyuuga family.
I headed across the battlefield where I saw Sasori and Zetsu fighting Sakura. The fight seemed pretty intense and I think Sakura was losing.
"What's up?" I asked as I joined Sasori and Zetsu.
"We're looking for more dinner," said Zetsu.
I nodded. "I saw Kate with your pile."
Zetsu smiled, showing all of his teeth. "Is she looking after our meal?"
"Dutifully." I turned to Sasori. "And how are you?"
Sasori gritted his teeth as his puppets battled Sakura. "This pink haired bitch has it out for me."
"She killed the other you," said Zetsu.
"So I've heard."
"I don't get it," cried Sakura, trying to heal her broken wrist, but finding she was running out of chakra. "You should be dead."
"I'm a zombie," said Sasori nonchalantly.
"What?" cried Sakura. "That's ridiculous!"
"You'd be surprised," I muttered.
"We don't like zombies," said Zetsu. "We can't eat zombies."
I rolled my eyes towards the blue sky. "Do you judge everything by what you can and can't eat?"
"So what if we do?"
Zetsu sunk into the ground and reappeared behind Sakura. She saw him at the last second and screamed in horror. Zetsu sank his teeth into Sakura's shoulder and took a massive bite.
"Now her," said Zetsu after he chewed and swallowed. "Now her, we can eat."
Sakura's screams reached a whole new level. She writhed in agony and struggled against Zetsu's grip.
"That's nasty," I said, making a face.
"Are you surprised?" asked Sasori.
Sakura saw her own blood dripping down Zetsu's chin and promptly fainted.
"Not really – but that doesn't make it any less gross."
"What's going on here?"
I glanced over and saw Naruto a few feet away. His blue eyes were wide with horror as he saw Sakura lying unconscious in Zetsu's arms.
"He was hungry," said Sasori, as if that explained everything.
"It was a fair fight," I said. "No cheating – which is more than I can say for most of the Akatsuki."
"She tasted good," said Zetsu.
"I'll kill you!"
How should I explain what happened next? Naruto's eyes changed to red, the scratches on his cheeks became more pronounced and his blond hair stood up on end. His nails grew to cat-like length and he crouched down on all fours. A red-aura appeared around him, bubbling and foaming dangerously. But he wasn't done there. Apparently he liked Sakura quite a lot, since the transformation kept going. The red aura turned black and solidified until he resembled a snarling fox.
Sasori blinked. "Oh shit."
Zetsu dropped Sakura.
"Yeah," I said, glancing at Zetsu while the fox howled irritably. "That probably wasn't the brightest idea – you couldn't have placed her on the ground, could you?"
The fox opened its mouth and a black ball of some very dangerous matter appeared. For a second I thought the fox was going to swallow the ball, but the he hurled it at us.
Remember how I always say I am not a ninja? Well now we get to see my inabilities in action. Sasori managed to dodge using one of his puppets and Zetsu disappeared into the ground. I stood there. Rooted to the spot. Staring at the black orb, my mouth hanging open. I think my exact words were:
"This is why you should never eat people."
The orb hit me. There was a blinding black light, a gust of air, an explosion of pain, and then silence. An all consuming silence that filled the emptiness around me. Silence.
And that is the story of how I died.
