Chapter Nine – Jumping on the Grenade
BPOV
Three days. There days since I saw the shock and devastation on Edwards face. I hadn't meant to say it, hadn't meant for it to come out the way it did. But Edward did what he always did and pushed. Edward had always known exactly how to push my buttons and every time I tried to talk about it with him, he either shut me out or made it into a fight. Edward clearly did not want to face the problems in our marriage, because if he did, things might have to change. He would would have to change.
We had avoided each other since my big statement, Preferring to deal with the repercussions of it on our own. Sometimes I would look at him and wonder how the hell our marriage had gone so off track. Where did the loving and protective Edward that I have fallen in love with and married gone? He would catch me staring at him sometimes, these last few days, but neither of us made a move to fix the huge chasm that I felt separated me from him.
We played nice in front of the children, so not to distress them, but we both felt that they knew something was wrong with Mummy and Daddy. The twins were to young to understand, so they were mostly oblivious to any tension between Edward and I. Anthony and Billie were different. Anthony had taken my side and had begun ignoring his father and Billie was siding with her father and was now giving me attitude. This was not what I had wanted. I didn't want our kids getting in the middle of our problems. I certainly didn't want them to feel they had to take sides.
I hated this. I hated feeling like this. That my marriage just might be over. That we had become stuck in a place, where we couldn't go forward and we couldn't go back. We were just stuck. What I wanted, Edward didn't want and what Edward wanted, I couldn't live with anymore. For eight years I have given him everything that he wanted and I just didn't have it in me anymore. I needed my husband and he was just too blind to see that.
I tried to continue to function by falling into my usual routine of taking care of the kids, making sure they attended all their responsibilities, cleaning the house, cooking and going to work. Work had become my reprieve. It was a chance to get lost in something else and not have to worry about us.
Edward had mentioned that he was going to visit his parents today, while I was at work. That had been all he said, whispered to me in the encroaching darkness of our bedroom. I had answered with a quiet "okay" and turned to face away from him. But like the the last few nights, sleep did not come easily. I laid awake for hours, unable to shut my brain down. Since their was a lack of light snoring, I knew he was suffering insomnia as well. I had woken up this morning before Edward and gotten the kids ready. We had already left, by the time he must have woken up. I just didn't have it in me to look into his sullen eyes this morning.
I serviced the customers, replaced the books to their original origins and bar-coded the new arrivals. I did my job professionally and efficiently, so no one would notice my turbulent emotions and ask me if anything was wrong. Because right now there was no way for me to tell if I would be able to hold it all in. However, I was not completely successful with hiding my feelings. My supervisor, Heidi, who I had know for many years now. Ever since she offered me the job here, had some how deciphered my pensive persona. And had cornered me by the staff lockers after my shift was finished.
" Hey, girl. How are you doing?", she stepped in front of me with a sympathetic frown on her face.
Heidi had become my confidant, when things had started going wrong in my marriage. I hadn't gone to Alice or Rosalie, as they were Edwards sister and sister in-law. I always felt that they wouldn't be able to give me clear advise as they had a loyalty to Edward. Heidi had been the wife of a general for over thirty years and knew exactly what I was going through. She always said that Felix and Edward were like two peas in a pod.
"I'm alright" I answered, closing my locker door and turning around to face her.
"Well, judging by your sullen answer and those frown lines between your eyes, Edward is home" she stated knowingly.
She put her arm around my shoulders and lead me to her office so we could talk in private. She walked over to sit behind her desk, while I took the seat in front. Looking around the office, you could tell she was an army wife. Nothing was out of place, nor was there a speck of dust in sight. Soldiers tended to rub off on their partners when it came to order and cleanliness.
"Edward, got home three days ago, but his just on leave. He has to return to duty in a week and a half. Is it terrible of me to say that I wish my husband hadn't returned?"
I flicked my eyes away from her probing eyes. She could always see right through me. I nervously wrung my hands together, trying to distract myself from the overwhelming grief that had taken up home in my chest.
"Depends on what you mean by not returning?", she asked, passing over a box of tissues. She must of seen my eyes tearing up.
"Of course I don't mean that I wish he never returned. I may not like my husband right now, but I still love him and would never want anything bad to happen to him. I just feel like things are at there worst right now and neither of us knows how to fix it. It doesn't help anything, knowing that he has to return to duty in eleven days. You can't fix a marriage in eleven days"
I couldn't remain sitting, so I stood up and started pacing the length of the office. Moving around seemed to be helping me with dispersing the too many emotions running around inside me.
"I take it, you and Edward have been fighting again?", she more stated than asked me.
"It seems to be all we do now. Before we got married, I could count on my one hand how many times we argued. Now I've lost count. It's not us, It can't be us"
I broke down at that point, sliding down into the chair and cried into my hands. Heidi must have come out from behind the desk, because once I was able to pull myself back together, Heidi was sitting next to me and rubbing my back in soothing manner.
"Honey, I too know how hard this life is. It's not easy for either partner. But for Army couples, we have to put a hell of a lot more effort into our marriages to make them work. Couples outside the Army have it so much easier. My advice to you, is to go home, sit down with your husband and talk things through"
I wanted to interrupt her and say that I have already tried this tactic. I've talked until I was blue in the face. Edward just doesn't listen. Or he hears me, he just chooses to do whatever the hell he wants to do anyway. No matter what I said. She put her hand up to stop me and I closed my mouth.
"You lay it on the line for him and MAKE him understand. Otherwise, you have a choice to make. You continue living the way your living or you leave. You tell him that. It might scare him into thinking differently"
She sadly smiled at me and patted me on the back. I wiped my eyes with the tissue she handed me and stood up. Grabbing my bag, I hugged her and thanked her for her advice and told her I would see her tomorrow.
I drove slowly home, since Edward had picked up the kids today, I could take all the time I needed. I wasn't confident that Heidi's advice wouldn't work. I've tried talking to Edward so many times, my words had begun to jumble in my head. But I was willing to try. I just didn't know if I was prepared to leave Edward. As much as he had hurt me over the last eight years, I still loved him and deep down I knew the Edward that I had married still existed. Edward was not only my husband, but he was my best friend and the father to my children. Could I do that. Tear apart our family.
I walked through the front door and the house was dark except for the kitchen. Edward must of already put the kids to bed. It was 10.30pm after all. I put my handbag and keys on the chestnut wood table by the door, took a long breath and walked into the kitchen. Edward was sitting at the kitchen table, nursing a steaming hot coffee. He was staring into the steaming cup like it held the answers for them and I shifted nervously from one foot to the other. He suddenly looked up at her. His green eyes held her brown eyes for sometime, before he said.
"We need to talk"
Hey guys.
I'm back with another chapter.
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Next chapter will be the Big Talk!
