Chapter 9! Enjoy.


Moving

Lucas

-X-X-

I can't stand walking past Peyton's hamper of dirty clothes every morning. It's just another reminder of a life that ended too soon, unexpectedly. She was supposed to come home to wash her clothes. I still remember the first time I threw one of her skirts in the dryer. It came out three sizes too small. Peyton was pissed. From that day on, I wasn't aloud to touch her clothes. "You're done. No more." She had said, holding her breathe as she tried to zip up the skirt.

It's only been a few weeks but I feel like I need to start doing something. I know that it will hurt to pack up her things but I also know that it will hurt more to walk past her shit every day. She isn't coming back, and accepting that hurts more than I can describe, but I need to do something.

Brooke and I both sit on the floor, making three piles. One pile is going in the garbage, another will be distributed between family and friends, and the last pile is going to Elizabeth. Her pile is the largest of them all.

We know that Peyton would have wanted all of her music records to go to her daughter. The music will be Elizabeth's way of connecting and learning about the blond woman in all the pictures. She'll never get to meet her and have a real conversation with her. All that is left are pictures and memories. It will be up to us to share Peyton with Elizabeth.

Sometimes I will have a dream of the two of us, Peyton and I, old and wrinkly. For a short time, before I realized how I felt about Brooke, I had really believed that Peyton and I would get married, have plenty more kids, and grow old together. The image of the two of us, holding hands while we each sit in our own rocker, doesn't leave my mind no matter what I do.

"I understand." Brooke says, taking her hand and wiping the tears from the side of my face, "Sometimes I dream about Julian and our baby."

"It doesn't mean I don't love you, Brooke." I say, shaking my head, "I do, more than I could ever wish to describe."

"I love you too, Lucas Scott." And she kisses me, believing that she can heal us both. "And now you can dream about the two of us."

-X-X-

"Are you and Aunt Brooke going to get married?" Jamie asks me, allowing Elizabeth to have one big lick from his ice cream. I smile, wondering if a baby, almost a year old, should be eating ice cream. Peyton had always been the one to plan out her diet, introducing one food at a time. When she died, all of that went out the window. I have no idea what my daughter is or isn't allowed to eat. No one in either of our families had a history of allergies, so I was sure that Elizabeth would be fine. Still, this small responsibility that was now all mine, reminded me that my daughter no longer had a mother.

"I don't know yet." I say, bouncing Elizabeth up and down on my knee. It is warm out today and the sun is shining. I look down at the top of my daughter's head and realize, shit, I didn't bring a hat for her. She is going to be as red as a strawberry by the end of the day. I look over at Haley, who is sitting beside me, eating her own ice cream, "Hales, we need to go home."

"Which one?" She says, raising an eyebrow.

"Mine," I say pointing to my baby's head, "Elizabeth needs a hat."

She agrees and we quickly finish our ice creams before heading home.. I tell them to wait in the car, I will only be a few minutes, before I run into the house. I pull open the door to my old room and head straight for the closet. It's messy, Peyton was always the one to clean it, but I quickly find what I was looking for.

I pick a pink one with a white ruffled trim, to go with her dress, and that is when I notice the letter, tucked in behind her diapers. Elizabeth, it says in pink ink, written in Peyton's hand writing.

Dear Elizabeth,

Happy six month birthday, my dearest baby! I can't believe it. You've grown from being the size of the tip of my pinky finger to a kicking, screaming, giggling little girl. I feel so lucky to call you mine.

I'm writing you this letter because I feel a little bit guilty. I never wanted to be a mother. My mother died, when I only a few years old, and then my birth mother died when I was seventeen. The only two women I would ever be allowed to call 'Mom' or 'Momma' left before I graduated high school. It hurt so much, both times, to know that they would never be able to teach me about life and motherhood. After Ellie, my birth mom and your namesake, died, I promised myself that I would never put another person through that pain. I promised myself that I would never be a mother.

Around the time that Ellie died, I realized that I was in love. Love, Elizabeth, is an amazing thing! I knew, right then and there, that I had found my soul mate. As you have probably guessed, my soul mate is your father. You come first in my life, Elizabeth, and I love you the most, but I've known and loved Daddy much longer.

Before I forget the reason behind this letter, I need to tell you something. Some people would call you a mistake. This is because you weren't a planned baby. But don't forget, Elizabeth, most babies are accidents. It doesn't matter, at all, if I planned to have you or not. The moment I found out that you existed, I knew that I was meant to be your mother. Just like Daddy is meant to be my husband and your father.

If you are reading this, then I'm gone, just like my mothers, and I am so sorry. I understand the feeling of having no where to go. The person who is supposed to protect you from getting hurt is the one who has hurt you. I really wish that this wasn't happening to you.

I wanted to write this letter to you because I hope that you aren't afraid of motherhood, like I was. Don't be afraid of what might happen, Sweetheart. Chances are that your children will never have to experience this. Even if they do, it isn't the end of the world. They will have friends and family who will watch out for them. Right now, it might seem like life couldn't possibly go on, but there are so many other people in the world who love you and who will be there for you, that things will be okay.

Don't ever fear the future, Elizabeth.

Love,

Mom

I sit down on the floor and clutch the letter to my chest. It feels strange knowing that Peyton had written the letter only a few months before her death. Had she known that something was going to happen to her? This is one of the questions that I will never know the answer to.

-X-X-

I don't know how long I sit there before Haley walks in. "Jamie and Elizabeth are watching television in the living room. What is taking you so long?" She stares at the letter in my hand and says something I never expected her to say, "Damn it, Peyton, you never said that there was another fucking letter!"

My eyes grow huge. Haley never swears like that. "Another fucking letter? What do you mean by that?"

Haley sighs and sits down beside me. She pulls out an envelope from her purse. "She handed me this a few days after Elizabeth was born. She said that it was in case something ever happened to her." She runs a finger over it and begins to cry. "I thought she was crazy when she gave this to me, Luke. I thought that she had completely lost it." Haley passes me the envelope, allowing me to see what it says across the front. In Peyton's writing, written in black, is my name.

I hesitate before opening it. I look at Haley and pass it back. "You read it." I say, holding onto one of her hands to control my shaking.

She nods and tears it open. "For months I've wondered if I'd ever know what she wrote in here. I considered opening it and resealing it just so I could satisfy my temptation. I finally decided that I would feel too guilty."

She clears her voice and begins to read from the crisp white paper that she pulled out. I close my eyes, trying to picture her face and remember her voice:

Dear Lucas,

You are the love of my life, Luke, and I will love you until the day I die. Maybe even longer. Who really knows? I knew that you wouldn't understand if I told you beforehand that I was writing this letter to you. A little morbid, right? Of course, at this point, I'm already dead. I really hate the idea that I might die before my time. Hopefully you won't ever have to read this. That's what I'm counting on.

You are probably wondering when I wrote this. I just got off the phone with you. I told you that I'm in labor. I said it didn't hurt too much; I can handle the pain. Surprise, I lied! It fucking hurts, Luke! But I wanted to be alone so I could write this. There is something I never told you. Remember, my birth mother died from breast cancer. During the years that the two of us weren't together, after high school, I had myself tested for the breast cancer gene. I wanted to know if my mom had passed this onto me. She did, Lucas, and now I know that my chances of getting breast cancer are very high. This also means that our daughter might have this gene as well.

I want to tell you that I'm going to miss you very much. It seems silly to imagine being dead and missing you but I know that I will. I will be dead and I will miss you. Please take care of our daughter. I've decided that we will name her Elizabeth, after my birth mother. It's a beautiful name, don't you agree? It makes her sound like she is destined for greatness.

Don't let my death hurt Elizabeth more than it needs to. Be a good father, Lucas. Don't be like my father and miss out on our daughter's life. You are her only parent now and you need to be there for her. Help her with her homework, let her have sleepovers, teach her how to play basketball, and tell her about us. Please, please, please, Lucas, keep yourself together for her.

I wanted to write this letter but I wasn't sure what to include. A real goodbye to you would be pages and pages long. How can I sum up how happy you make me in only a few sentences? It's simply impossible. I'm head over heels in love with you and I am the luckiest girl in the world. I want you to remember us forever, Lucas Scott, and love the perfect little person that we created together. Do that and I will feel like I made a difference in the world.

Remember, True Love Always,

Peyton

Haley folds the paper before putting it back into the envelope. She places it gently on the floor and brings her knees up to her chest. I don't know what to say and it seems, neither does she. We just sit there, crying softly, for what seems like hours. The silence is interrupted by a scream from the living room. It sounds like Elizabeth and it sounds serious.

Both Haley and I run, forgetting our own pain for a moment. Elizabeth is sitting on the ground, face red and wet from crying, waving her hands in the air. Jamie stands a few feet away, his face pale.

"She wanted to play with Peyton's records. She started ripping at the covers." He says, pointing to the shelves of records. "I pushed her away, telling her that she shouldn't do that, and she just started crying."

I sigh and lift my daughter up into my arms. "It's okay," I whisper. A little louder, I say, "Jamie, its fine. I'm glad that you were looking out for Peyton's things. But Elizabeth can play with the records on the bottom shelf. Peyton put those there just for her." I swallow, glancing back at the shelves. They would have to stay; no matter how miserable they made me, because now all of them belonged to Elizabeth. Besides, I wouldn't feel right putting them all in storage.

"Jamie, I think it's time we go home." Haley said, reaching out a hand to her son. She looks at me, red eyes to red eyes, and tries to smile. "Uncle Luke needs to do some thinking."

"What kind of thinking?" Jamie asks, walking over and holding onto his mother's hand.

"The kind that requires some peace and quiet." She pats me on the back and kisses Elizabeth on the cheek before heading to the door.

Elizabeth is still crying and after checking the time on the wall, I realize that, luckily, it is nap time. Peace and quiet are only minutes away.

-X-X-

The two packs of beers that have been in my fridge since before Peyton left are now almost gone. It isn't as hard as I thought it would be, drinking until I feel like I'm about to explode, and I am finished in about two and a half hours.

Elizabeth hasn't woken up yet, luckily, which leaves me enough time to do the thinking that Haley had wanted me to do. I've known her long enough to understand what is on her mind by just looking at her eyes. Think about what is the best for your future, her eyes had said.

I'm lying on my bed, half asleep, when Brooke walks in. Elizabeth is in her arms, giggling as Brooke bounces her up and down on her hip.

"I hadn't heard from you all day. I thought you were dead. When I went into Elizabeth's room, she had stripped herself down to her diaper." She says with a faint smile, putting Elizabeth down on the bed beside me. I don't laugh or smile at her joke. She seems to get this and drops her smile. She sits down beside me, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ears. "Look, Lucas, we need to talk about something."

I sit up a little bit, feeling the room spinning around me. I try to listen to what she says next, even though I feel like I'm about to throw up.

"I always imagined how I would feel if someone close to me died. Peyton was usually the person I thought about. Sometimes it was you." She tilts her head and her eyes fill with tears. "Obviously, it's worse than I could ever imagine. There are things that you never think about. Like her daughter thrown into the mix. It hurts even more, seeing a mini Peyton everyday. You look at how full of life Elizabeth is and how impossible it is that her mother can be the complete opposite."

I put my hand up and stop her, "Brooke, we've talked about this before."

She nods and dries her eyes, "I know, I'm sorry, there is more. Everything hurts, Luke, and I don't want it to hurt anymore. I've thought about every single possibility that could fix how I feel; how we both feel."

"Leaving isn't going to fix anything, Brooke." I say, closing my eyes to the spinning room. I know that I'm not being very sensitive but at least I'm making an effort to listen.

"Leaving didn't fix anything last time, I know. Besides, I would never consider leaving again." She smiles and takes hold of both of my hands.

"So, what did you have in mind?" I'm starting to feel excited, knowing that something good is coming my way.

"I want us, all of us, to move in together. Do you want to live with me, Lucas?" She says and waits quietly for my response.

"Yes, Brooke, of course I do." I kiss and hug her. I hope that Brooke is right, moving forward and starting our life together needs to help us feel better. "I love you."