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The Audition – Part 2


The five of them, Legion, Thane, Shepard, Ashley and Garrus, were standing upon a rather high bluff. In the valley below them, an almost stupidly large encampment of pirates, bandits and mercenaries was set up like a small city. Oh, the perks that come with being a fanfiction writer and having the power to think up craziest situations possible.

"Alright," Shepard announced, "for the second part of the audition, we'll all be taking turns sniping at the Tangos down below in teams of two. However, the real goal of the exercise is to see how you two handle banter and general small talk whilst doing your jobs alongside us."

"Very Well."

"Acknowledged."


"Ha! You see those guys running around, Legion?"

"Affirmative, Shepard-Commander."

"Oh this is great! It's so easy to just pick them off- oh, alright, that one's yours then. Yup, nothing beats lining up on some poor sucker- oh, okay I'll let that one go. Seriously, these guys just give you all the time in the- come on now! That one was mine! Oh yeah, nothing like a good old- gah! Legion!"

"…Yes?"

"Stop being such a kill steal. I would like to at least hit some of them before you blow their heads off."


"Wow, it's such a beautiful day out, don't you think, Thane? We really got lucky with the weather."

"I'm assuming you're asking that rhetorically, Chief Williams. If The Author so chose, we could have been doing this in the middle of hurricane with acid rain."

"Pfff. Mister Pessimist over here."

"A pessimist is what an optimist calls a realist."

"Yeah, whatev- hey! That's my line! You can't just go using my material!"


"We have a query, Vakarian-Officer."

"Shoot, Legion."

"That was an idiom. I didn't literally mean fire your rifle into the ground. But what's your question, Legion?"

"We wonder as to why most other main characters within the Mass Effect franchise refer to you as 'Garrus, Lord of Calibrations' whenever you are not currently present."

"Whaaaaaat? They don't actually do that! Ha ha ha ha!"

"Do they?"

"The title is mentioned with 89.46% consistency whenever you are not present."

"…oh."


"So Thane, eidetic memory means you pretty much remember every moment of your life with absolute clarity, right?"

"You are correct, Shepard."

"Soooo got any… steamy memories you like to fall back on?"

"I think I see what you mean. There is one woman actually, a human, with the Alliance. I remember my time with her… very fondly."

"Care to share?"

(Within a memory) "Oh, Thane, you ride me a bucking bronco!"

"Oh, this is certainly interesting."

"Gods, Hannah, you are such a beautiful creature."

"Yeah, that's what I'm talkin- wait, Hannah?"

"Faster, Thane. We barely have an hour before my son John gets out of school! Oh!"

"Sweet baby Jesus, Thane, stop! That's my mother you're talking about!"

"Ugh, Thane, grab that ping pong paddle and smack my-!"

"OH MY GOD I ATE OFF THAT PADDLE!"


"Being a sniper is a great gig, but all this laying around while we do the job isn't exactly comfortable."

"Geth do not process 'comfort-ability' the same way an organic would. Geth merely resolve to find the most optimal position available."

"Yeah, I get that. I like to go out for long jogs after missions like this. Helps to work out stiffness in the limbs."

"An understandable response. Jogging has also shown to help alleviate extra weight added on whilst immobile for such long periods of time. We have gathered that you have an above average mass for human women, Williams-Chief, and as such physical activities to maintain your stature are highly beneficial."

"Did… did you just call me fat?"


"So you've basically been at this ever since you were six?"

"That is correct, officer Vakarian. Although I do not regret my time spent with the Hanar. I may have dealt in bloody work, but I felt better knowing I was ridding the galaxy of unsavory individuals."

"I can respect that. And I know where you're coming from, sort of. My father basically groomed me for military service followed by C-Sec ever since I was a kid."

"I am taken to understand you do not have the best relationship with your father, much the same way I am with Kolyat. It is regrettable, but our line of work does not exactly foster healthy relationships."

"You don't have to tell me twice. But my dad and I are doing okay. Sure, I guess there was some stuff he did back in my childhood I never really forgave him for, but I got over it when I grew older and realized it wasn't a big deal."

"Really? Like what?"

"Oh, nothing major. Just… after I'd turned 14 he threw out most of my childhood toys. 'Not becoming of a real man' he'd told me. Sure it was a dick move, but I got over it."

"I see." (Sound of a pen being clicked) "And how did that make you feel?"


The Author very graciously provided with them a padded armchair and half couch when the auditions spiraled out of control. Thane sat in the armchair, legs crossed and jotting notes on pad of paper. A foot away, Garrus sat on the couch, bawling his eyes out into the small rag The Author had also written in when Garrus' face started becoming covered in tears and snot.

"It was MY action figure, damnit!" Garrus sobbed. "I mean sure, it's not like I'd played with him a lot anymore. But Galvatoryx the First Turian Spectre was my favorite toy! Dad could've let me donate him or something. But nooooo! Mister Diehard Turian just went and chucked it into the trash! No warning! Just destroyed it like he destroyed everything else I loved!"

"It would seem your father has always been an obstructive force in your life, Garrus," Thane observed. "And how did your mother react to all of this?"

Of to the side, Shepard, Ashley and Legion stood watching the whole ordeal. Ash leaned toward Shepard and whispered, "I think this was a bad idea."

"We concur," Legion concurred.

Ash scowled at the automaton. "I wasn't talking to you."

"Williams-Chief, for the 43rd instance, we express our apologies for referring to you as obese."

"Hey Legion, do you see that big ass hole in your chest?"

"Yes."

"Do you want another one?"

"…No."