Chapter nine: what to do when you lose focus


Two months ago…

Mikoto Uchiha: age 52. Harvard graduate, retired detective, mother of two, status: emotionally unstable.

Mikoto, the poor dear, experienced a midlife crisis at the mere age of 36, the year her husband passed on. Unfortunately, she was still going through it.

Living in a mansion in the tiny state of Maine was not easy. After firing and rehiring maid after maid, she decided that the only one who needed to clean up after herself was, well, herself.

Every day Mikoto Uchiha woke up at 8:45 a.m. She would brush her teeth, throw on a pair of sweats and a tee shirt, tie her hair, and be downstairs eating breakfast at 9. At 9:15 she would wash her dishes (sometimes at 9:30 if she made herself egg beaters and sausage) and begin her cleaning cycle.

Depending on the day of the week, she'd start with the bathrooms upstairs. The first was Sasuke and Itachi's old one. Then she'd move on to hers.

Around 10 o'clock she would make her bed, vacuum her bedroom, Sasuke's bedroom, Itachi's bedroom, and the guest bedroom. Maybe the hallway if she tracked dirt (not that it was likely).

Eventually she would lose track of time during her rounds. After straightening up the kitchen, living room, office room, and dining room, it would be nearly 2 o'clock: lunch time.

Today, however, was not a lunch day at home. No, she had other plans.

Itachi and his "friend" Shisui were meeting her and her new best friend for lunch at 3 p.m. Mikoto quickly showered, realizing how hungry she was. After putting on a navy blue silk dress and her long hair in a loose bun, she grabbed her bag and quickly headed out the door.

Can't be the last to arrive!

By the time she got to the cafe, Happy House, everyone else in her party had already arrived, and had been waiting for (give or take) twenty minutes.

"Sorry I'm late!" She smiled. "Traffic, you know."

"It's okay, Mrs. U. We just got drinks."

"The boys were pretty thirsty! It's so good to see you!" A tall woman with bright red hair stood up to hug Mikoto. "I was just introducing myself – and might I say, your son is quite the gentleman; very mature for his age. And Shirio is such a comedian!"

Shisui scoffed and crossed his arms. Itachi patted his shoulder. "Mom, how've you been?" He hugged her as well.

"Oh, you know, just cleaning the house, doing a bit of light reading. How's work?"

"It's fine." Oh, normal elder son. Never one to go into detail about anything. In fact, the only thing she really knew was that he was a substitute and trying to get the assistant principal job. "Kushina was just telling us about her family when you walked in."

"Oh, yes, I forgot!" The red haired woman, Kushina, laughed and rubbed the back of her head nervously. "I married at a very young age – I was only nineteen. But love is love, you know? Anyway, we moved here from Chicago after Minato and I finished college, and our son was born shortly after. His name is Naruto…" Kushina went on and on, briefly mentioning her severe case of ADHD. Most of her babbling was about her son.

Naruto was 23, soon to be 24 come October. He lived in Boston, living with a few roommates, working an artsy job, blah, blah, blah.

"…Oh, and then there was the day at home when he told us he likes men!"

The three companions nearly spit their drinks or coughed up their appetizers; that comment was so unexpected!

"Y-you mean he's… gay?" Mikoto wiped her mouth with a napkin. How coincidental…

"Sure is! He brought a boy over to prove it. But it's okay. I mean, we were pretty disturbed when he came out," Kushina laughed again, waving her hand as if to disband any confusion. "But after a little while we started to understand him. He's not a flamer, he doesn't dress like a woman. He's still our Naruto, that crazy little kid who used to play with trucks and dinosaurs. He just didn't have an attraction to women. Nothing anyone can help, really. But six years ago we all got into a huge mess of a fight - which is why he moved away."

"Oh, I guess that makes sense," Mikoto said quietly. News like that was not something she heard all the time, for sure. When Sasuke told her he liked boys at age eight she nearly died! Imagine if he moved away at seventeen!

"Well… how interesting." Itachi said, leaning back and crossing his arms.

"What's with the smug look, dude?" Shisui asked. Itachi raised an eyebrow and waited for his best friend to piece everything together. "OH! Good idea, bro."

"What was that?" Mikoto and Kushina asked simultaneously.

Itachi ignored the question. "Where did you say your son worked again, Kushina?"


Normal people with normal lives and normal jobs usually took their extended vacations in various islands and countries. They enjoyed themselves – but that word never came to mind during Sasuke's jobless circumstance. Not only did he lose his income for the time being, but he also had to call the maintenance man to cancel his appointment. There was no way that he could pay for all of the things he needed work on in his house, and he refused to take his mother's help. Sasuke had broken her heart and hopes (for grandkids) too many times to ask her for money. He would have to deal without electricity and heat for the time being.

A full week had passed since Sasuke saw Naruto. Instead of relaxing, he'd taken on seeing a psychologist, who also happened to be the 'Kaka-sensei's right hand man. His name was Iruka, and he knew Naruto as well.

This information was both helpful and also destructive to Sasuke. Naruto was something of his love interest, but also the cause of his despair – and there was no getting rid of him. Everyone knew him; he was everywhere! On the other hand, Sasuke found it easier to share his thoughts regarding the blond idiot without having to explain his personality, and he also gained new knowledge of him.

Naruto his from the same town of Cumberland County. His father was also deceased and he was very in touch with his feminine side thanks to his mother.

Not that any of the information mattered, anyway.

Dealing with the Orochimaru case (who had been successfully put behind bars for the next five years) came before his love interest issues.

At least, that's what he told himself. Naruto was tied into every single aspect of his life. Every nook and corner Sasuke found, there was a piece of blonde idiot lurking around. Thinking about Orochimaru only made him think about Naruto, which made him think about their relationship, which made him deny that there even was a relationship in the first place.

Which made him kind of sad.

"Sasuke, I've only been seeing you every day for the past week, and there are many ways that I can help you to understand yourself and how you can let all these feelings out to continue on with your life… but it seems that you're more vocal and responsive when you're speaking of Naruto. Why don't you try giving him a call? Friends are the best at times when you feel down – especially in your situation."

"That would make my life so much more complicated. I can't deal with him stressing me out."

"How does he stress you?"

"By just being around. I hate having someone constantly near me. It's irritating and he gets under my skin." But then again, he's never let me down.

"He distracts you from anything else around you though, yes?"

"No – well," he spoke so quickly that he didn't completely comprehend Iruka's words. Now that he mentioned it, Sasuke's real life problems didn't exist when Naruto was around. The biggest issue they had was 'is Naruto gonna come on to me tonight or can I sleep without fear of being molested?'

"I see. I strongly suggest you give him a call. If you feel so negatively about bringing him home, just go out and meet somewhere. Naruto loves pasta."

"I know." Sasuke sighed. He leaned his head back and watched the ceiling.

Sasuke knew what he had to do.

He just had to pray Naruto wouldn't hate him forever.


In the apartment Naruto shared with four other men, he had managed to keep his secret safe. No one knew about his sexual preferences, with the exception of his parents and Sasuke and Sakura. Not telling people was easy. No one brought up the subject, he never cringed when Kiba mentioned the 'fags in 503', nor did he forget to laugh at a gay joke Bee told.

However, the burden he bore – pretending to be someone else had been slowly eating at his insides for quite some time now (in particular the past month or so that he knew Sasuke). In a month, he managed to get into Sasuke's house, his fridge, his bed, and even more importantly, his heart. In the course of this time, terrible things happened to Sasuke that Naruto couldn't imagine happening to anyone including himself.

What was the point, though? Sasuke was so bipolar and never appreciated him. When was the last time he even got a real 'thank you' from the bastard? All that Sasuke did was be mean and then kick him out! Well, actually, he left... but same difference!

Anger swelled inside him. After everything he did, everything he tried, it just wasn't good enough. It wasn't like him to just give up – and he wasn't planning to. It might just be inevitable. Sasuke was different in a good way and a bad way. He was special and held a huge place in his heart, but he stomped all over it until he was all bled out.

And Naruto wasn't just mad at Sasuke; he was mad at himself. He knew he hadn't done a lot of things right. But he did something that made the brunette want to keep him around that night. What was it!?


"Hi, Naruto. How have you been?"

"Hey, Lee. Is Sakura around?" Damn those insensitive 'how've you beens.' Could the guy not see his unhappy face?

"Yes, she is making supper. She won't let me cook!" Lee laughed. "I cannot say I blame her, though…"

Naruto pushed past Lee. Fuzzybrows could be so smothering – anyone could be when the blonde felt so bad.

"It's not your style to brood and come over unannounced. What's wrong?" Sakura asked without looking up at her best friend. He sat down in the dining room, sulking.

"Sasuke called me a few minutes ago. I need advice."

"That's a good thing right? You said you weren't speaking the last time I checked in."

"We weren't. We're not, actually. He said he wants to meet up tomorrow evening 'to chat'. And I don't want to."

"I thought you really liked him?"

"I do." Maybe even more.

"Then what's the problem?" Sakura probed. "The Naruto I know always gets excited whenever someone he likes wants to hang out."

"This is different. All day I've been in a terrible mood, trying to figure out what it is that I do right and makes him like me and what I did wrong that makes him not talk to me at all. I can't stand it! It hurts my brain!" Naruto threw his hands up. He didn't even care that Lee was listening. Hell, if coming out to everyone got Sasuke to be less confusing and just be normal, he'd shoot rainbows out his ass for all to see!

"And why is it bad that he called you? Maybe he wants to work things out."

"Or tell me to never come over again."

"You can't think like that, Naruto. You have to be positive."

"There is no positivity when it comes to this guy."

"Excuse me for interrupting, but this Sasuke you're talking about, is he Sasuke Uchiha?" Lee cuts in, finger pointing in the air. "The one with the crazy hair cut?"

"Yeah." Naruto looked up. "The one you met when we went out a few weeks ago."

"Oh!" Sakura exclaimed. She hurried over to the dining table where Naruto was sitting. "Oh my gosh, he's one of Ino's and Shikamaru's co-workers! Why didn't I think of that before! I mean, I don't know any other Sasuke's in America, but holy crap!"

"YOU KNOW HIM?"

"Lee invited him to the wedding! Well, he told Shikamaru to bring a friend in case Temari had a mood swing. Why didn't this occur to me earlier? Everything you told me about him that night last week… I feel stupid."

"I had no idea you and Sasuke had a thing. That is great! No wonder you two showed up together." Lee said.

"Yeah, yeah, the world is all dandy now." Naruto waved his hand, scowling. Then, about two seconds later, Naruto stood up, wide eyed, palms planted on the table. "He's coming to your wedding!?"

"Naruto, would you like to see our guest list?"

"Hell yeah!" Naruto was smiling again. "Hey Sakura, I think something's burning."

"Oh, shit!"


The guest list consisted of many names – most of which Naruto didn't recognize. He assumed that they were either distant relatives or co-workers. The names he did recognizes, though, were at the end of the list. Ino Yamanaka, Shikamaru and Temari Nara, Mikoto, Sasuke and Itachi Uchiha, Naruto and Kushina Uzumaki, Neji, Hinata, and Hanabi Hyuga (oh, his ex-girlfriend was invited, huh?) Sai, Chōji Akimichi, Tenten, Might Gai, and a few other guests he didn't look at. Who is the third Uchiha? Did Sasuke have a sister?

In any case, there was a huge issue at hand: Neji was invited. That would be problematic for Sasuke.

And, slow as ever, Naruto pieced together that he dated Neji's cousin. Small world, indeed. That wouldn't be a big deal. She probably wouldn't even say a word to him.

"Guys, you might want to say your vows and get out of there quick. This is trouble!"

"I know, I know. Neji is kind of a dickhead and your mom and ex-girlfriend are gonna be there, but really, it's not a big deal. We're all adults here and whatever beef we have with each other can wait. It's my wedding, dammit!"

Lee and Naruto looked at each other, then at Sakura. "Woman, you're crazy."


The worst feeling to be feeling at a time such as this is the feeling of losing sight. Not sight from your eyes, but the sight of your true self. To lose the knowledge of how you know you feel towards anything and everything. Any views and preferences are gone from your mind. You have no idea to call your own. You a nobody – and the world is grey. You conform to the in crowd. You are not special. To anyone.

Sasuke lost sight of himself long before any of this happened. In fact it was after his first love that he decided that love was not his style. Why put himself in that situation in the first place? There's no relationship that's perfect. Nothing ever lasts. Sure, it was a childish thought and he should move on from his teenage philosophy.

His logic was realistic, and no one could prove him otherwise. No more trivial, unstable relationship drama. No more worrying about the significant others' financial stability or emotional instabilities. Not having anxiety attacks over the others' faithfulness. Without a lover these factors were nothing more than nightmares.

So what was the void in Sasuke's heart?

At eight thirty the following night, Naruto arrived at the park where Sasuke did his runs from time to time. About an hour before he received a text on his phone: "Meet me at the park on fifth in 45." What the hell, Sasuke, bossing me around like you think it's okay. Regardless, he met up. There were things to discuss – but their conversation was much unexpected.

He found the dark haired man sitting on a bench under the fifth lamppost on the right side of the pond – their designated meeting place. They were alone. The wildlife in the park had gone to sleep, with the exception of the owls, occasionally hooting. Sasuke sat motionless, eyes forward and hands latent on his thighs. Naruto couldn't tell what he was looking at; it was so dark Sasuke looked like nothing but a shadow under the light. The only thing that could have given him away without assigning a meet up spot would be his duck butt head of hair.

"Hey,"

Sasuke didn't move. He could sense the company of the blonde forever away – it made his heart beat faster. "Hi," He almost said his name. Almost. "Thanks for coming so late. I had an interview."

"Good to hear your back on the working grind. How'd it go?" Naruto's voice was dronish. Why?

Do you really care? "I guess it was alright. It's just at a café a few miles from my house. I doubt I'd be able to get another accounting job anytime soon. They're calling me unstable in all the newspapers."

"It's a start. Once it blows over you'll be fine."

"Yeah…" Sasuke trailed off. No, you don't care at all. Good. "Listen, Naruto, I –"

"Don't." Naruto interjected. He was still standing feet away from Sasuke. His voice echoed through the park. "I know you're going through a tough time, but all I did was try, Sasuke. I wanted to help you. But it just wasn't enough for you. There's no end to your grief, and you just wallow in it because you can't let me in. You need my help but refuse to take it."

"I'm not wallowing."

"You're always denying things! No – don't talk!" Naruto barked. Sasuke shut his mouth before the words 'I can't help it' formed. "You want to chat, but nothing you say is fucking relevant. You called me here to tell me you're done, that you can't handle this – this whatever we are and you want to do everything on your own, didn't you?"

Sasuke looked away. His shock at Naruto's words fell from his face. Now the only face he could form was an expressionless one. He wanted to cry, but that was not an option. Be strong, Uchiha.

He only nodded. Yes, he did want to end whatever he and Naruto had. He wanted to just be friends. He couldn't handle any more heartache the blonde brought him.

"You can't break up with me. We weren't dating. So this is just one of those things where you say we can't be friends. And I agree. Obviously anything I try to help you with just makes you more two-faced than normal, huh? So why should I bother? That's why I left! You can't help yourself because of some stupid pride you think you have to defend. You don't want anyone's help. Solve your own problems and be the shallow bastard you make yourself out to be and hide in your misery for all I care." Naruto, who'd been throwing his hands in the air and walking back and forth in front of the bench, caught his breath and turned his back to Sasuke. "I don't get you at all. One day you want me to kiss you. So I do. The next day you want me out. So I do. I'm so sick of it. Do you care about me at all?" The last part came out softly. A question he didn't want answered, at this point.

Something inside Sasuke dropped to the pit of his stomach. He could throw up any moment now. He had a whole speech in his head. How he would let Naruto go without yelling, insulting (to the best of his ability). Naruto was so right, in the end. He was a shallow man with no consideration for the feelings of others. So why did he cry so often? Why hold on to his used dishes at home like a silly fourteen year old girl? His heart is supposed to be a black hole.

Naruto did nothing wrong. He kicked him out because he didn't want to bring him down, too, right? Or was it because he didn't want someone to fall in love with him and be clingy? Or because he was afraid of caring too much? He needed space, whichever it was. He solved his own problems – always have, forever will…

…Right?

"Are you going to say something? Why are you shaking?"

"I…" Sasuke gritted his teeth. "What do you want me to say, Naruto? Yes, I came here to tell you that whatever relationship you think we have doesn't exist – it can't exist. I can't handle someone being consistently around me all the damn time, treating me like a child because –"

"– Because you ASKED!" Naruto bellowed, spinning around. "You asked me to do those things for you! I made you breakfast – I did everything you wanted! I went to work and I fuckin' came back!"

"How can I fix my problems if you crowd around me! I'm not sick! I never asked you to do anything for me! You kissed me because you wanted to!" Jesus, hadn't they gone over this last week?

"You're hurt. You don't know how to handle these situations! Hell Sasuke, you were raped! You can't do this by yourself!" The pain in his voice… Sasuke really screwed up.

"I'm going to therapy every day. I'm trying to get my shit together," Sasuke's face heated. "so stop treating me like I can't do it! You've never had this happen to you, ever!" Whoa, when did he stand up?

"I've been around enough people like you to understand. You're too emotional right now."

"You're the over emotional one, Naruto. Why do you…" Care so much? Well, he knew that already. But Naruto didn't know Sasuke. He can't have loved someone he barely knew.

"I care," Great, a mind reader. "because you're important to me. And when you sit there and sulk I can't just leave you. I don't know why. You treat me like shit. I try to show you that I'm serious but you only push me away." Naruto's chest was heaving. This was the talk he needed to have. "I left because I thought space would give you a chance to come back to me. To realize that I'm so…" So what? Spit it out.

"You deserve better, Naruto." He was calming down. Naruto's true colors were coming out, and Sasuke knew the blonde wouldn't leave him. That he knew for sure. Even if he was angry and said some nasty things, he trusted Naruto. "Maybe I am unstable. I solve my problems differently than everyone else you know. But I don't want you to leave my life completely."

"Sasuke," Naruto nearly laughed. "you don't 'solve' you're problems. You bury them somewhere and never let them surface. Nothing inside you is let go. Whatever is keeping you from me is somewhere, haunting you. It's a burden." I know all about that. Who the fuck am I to judge?

"You're right. But knowing that won't change me, Naruto."

"Only if you keep telling yourself that."

"So, have you told anyone you're gay, Naruto? Let's talk about haunting." Sasuke was mocking him. The heat and tension between them was coming back – they were at their boiling points. But what would they do when it boiled over?

"That's personal."

"So is this."

"Then don't change the subject. This is about you being the biggest dickhead I've ever met!"

"Stop it!" Sasuke roared. "You don't know anything about me!"

"Sure I don't, Sasuke. Care to explain? And while you're at it, tell me why you made me stay with you all those nights!"

"No one made you stay, you fucking moron. You could have left."

"That would have made everything better, huh? What kind of person would I be if I did that? Tell me, Sasuke! Just trust me!"

"I CAN'T! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? I CAN'T!"

Sasuke was in his face, screeching. Spit flew out of his mouth, chest heaving. Red eyed, Sasuke stood, barely an inch from Naruto – also breathing heavily.

But something in Naruto's eyes gave Sasuke the hint: the blonde idiot was no longer angry… he knew something.

"Someone hurt you, didn't they?"

"Yeah his name is Orochimaru and he fucking betrayed me."

"No, before. A long time ago, right?" Sasuke said nothing. He just watched as Naruto moved a hand to his face to brush his bangs away. "Heh, I get it now. You do realize that's so petty, right?"

"Don't you dare judge me."

"I won't. But Sas, what have I ever done to make you not believe in me?" Normal Naruto was back. He was using nicknames, and his voice returned to its soothing tone. The one Sasuke melted to.

"I can't chance that." I can't hide being hurt a second time.

"Neji, I guess." Tan hands cupped either side of Sasuke colorless face. His thumbs wiped under his eyes; the tears kept falling. "I know what that's like. You're doing it to me now."

"I never meant to." Sasuke sighed.

"It's not intentional. But I guess it's one sided." Naruto pulled Sasuke face the inch it was from him. Sasuke closed his eyes, expecting a kiss, but instead the hand on his cheeks wrapped comfortingly around his neck. "I never planned on hurting you."

"No one does."

"Maybe one day I can change your mind. I love you, you fucking jerk. And when you find it in you to let your past go and quit pushing me away, I think you could love me back."

I already do. "Naruto…" he said desperately. Oh, how badly he just wanted to be snuggled up next to his man in his bed, feeling the body heat and strong arms around him. Naruto wanted the same, he knew. But he couldn't. He needed more time to think. "Naruto, I…"

Naruto sighed in defeat. "I'll see you at the wedding then." It wasn't a kiss, just a brush of lips against a pale forehead. He let go of Sasuke and turned away. Sasuke couldn't watch him leave. He sat back on the bench, feelings and emotions welling up in his chest, ready to escape in the form of tears.

"What do we do, Naruto? Just pretend this never happened?"

"Sasuke," Naruto called back to Sasuke, ignoring the question. "I meant what I said, okay?" Not the mean, hurtful things. Just the part you needed to hear the most.

I love you, you fucking jerk.


Kiba, Naruto's best friend, sat at home with Bee and Sora playing Grand Theft Auto on their PS3. They were just minding their own business, occasionally yelling at the control holder for not stealing the animated pedestrian's cash or taking the wrong turn when running from the cops.

About twenty minutes after Kiba finally got the controller, the doorbell rang.

"NOSE GOES!" Sora yelled. Of course Kiba was last to touch his nose – he had a controller in his hand! Fucking losers! Never play fair! He threw the controller to the ground in defeat, mumbling about how lazy pieces of shit shouldn't be living with him – especially a kid Sora's age.

When he opened the door, however, he was so incredibly thankful to whatever gods existed. They brought him a MILF. "Hi, pretty lady. How much can I get for a twenty?" Kiba said as he answered the door, leaning on the door frame like a stud. He was also topless.

"Oh, hush, I'm twice your age, mother-fucking nimrod."

"You remind me of my roommate. Only, you're a hot ginger." And he usually calls me a cretin.

"That's wonderful to hear, considering he really takes after me anyway. So, where's Naruto?"


"That…." Itachi's voice was full of shock. "Why would you do that!?" Then he shouted.

"It was necessary."

"You know sure as hell you never do ANYTHING necessary."

"What's that supposed to mean?

"That you screwed up something potentially good for you. You've done things like this before. You could have been something with Neji, but you both ended up treating each other like shit. He drove you into a black hole and you turned him into a whore who's lost his way."

"Neji and I would never have worked. He's a douche bag. Naruto is too clingy." But I know I screwed it up.

"If Naruto told you his true feelings, why turn him down? You need someone to love you Sasuke."

"I'm not a fucking baby, Itachi. And don't start with the 'you're in a tough and sensitive situation' bullshit. I'm an adult."

"Then fucking act like one."

"Fuck you."

"Whatever."

Never in twenty-four years of young life1 had he ever said something like that to his brother, nor had Itachi ever said those things to him. But he knew Itachi was right. He screwed up with Neji, and there was no going back to that. The chance with Naruto… even though he wanted (kinda) to fix things (a lot) and try to start over… was there even a chance?

Yeah, there was. He just didn't know how.


1 Missed Call: 20:14 p.m.

VOICEMAIL (1) Press 7 now to listen to your messages.

Hey Sasuke, this is Sakura, Lee's fiancée. I got your number from Shikamaru! I was just calling to make sure you can make it to the wedding and the reception. Please call me back! No one's heard from you in days and we're all pretty worried - especially a certain blondie… looking forward to your call! Bye.


HI IM BACK IN THE WRITING GAME YAY! I do love this chapter. It took me a while to figure out the way I wanted this written, and since I haven't written in almost 9 months I forgot everything that happened so I had to reread my whole story. I like to think I'm coming a long way from 2009 in style of writing... I feel more mature. I still can't believe I wrote a sex scene... omg. With this story I realized that a lot didn't make sense because it was really unorganized when I started it, so the friend circle is so scattered and it's tough to manage, so I apologize for any confusion! Love you all!