9: Power

There are many kinds of power, and sometimes who holds the power is more complicated an issue than it seems. Even more complicated is the issue of whether that power is used for good or ill, and how to tell which is which.

Kakashi was having an excellent morning. He woke to find Iruka propped up on his elbow watching him sleep, which would have been a little disorienting normally, and yet found himself completely calm. "What have we said about staring, Iruka?" he teased.

As expected, the Chuunin blushed, and looked away. Kakashi grinned and kissed the tip of his nose. How exactly a scar on someone's face could make them so irresistible he wasn't sure, but he couldn't resist Iruka's scarred nose. Iruka laughed softly at the gesture, but blushed even an even deeper red. "I don't have the benefit of a special eye technique working for me," Iruka chastised. "I have to figure people out the old-fashioned way."

"If it's a question of figuring me out, I'm simpler than you think," Kakashi responded.

Iruka just shook his head, then pushed himself off the bed. "Come on, I've already made coffee and breakfast. I've been lying here trying to decide if I wanted to wake you."

Breakfast was far more fun than Kakashi knew eating could be. Iruka played host as if he were in his own home rather than Kakashi's, and he kept offering Kakashi things to try, and seemed to be quite intent on figuring out exactly what Kakashi liked best. The Copy Nin had never felt so pampered in his life, and when he commented so, Iruka blushed beautifully and then smiled at him, informing him that was the intention. "You deserve it, you know," Iruka said softly, reaching out his hand… and then drawing it back abruptly.

Kakashi looked at him quizzically. It took a moment for the realization to dawn, but when it did, he laughed. "Go ahead, you know you want to. It doesn't matter anyway. It's not the action that bothers me, just the way it seemed to tie into the whole situation."

So Iruka reached out his hand again, and laid it gently on Kakashi's head, and stroked his hair. "It's irresistible, you know. Because it's such a mess anyway, but it's softer than it looks, and something about you just… screams 'Pet me'. Maybe you spend too much time around dogs," teased Iruka gently, his eyes belying the lightness in his tone, the dark orbs still heavy with guilt.

Yes, it was a beautiful morning, Kakashi decided. It got a little less nice after Iruka went home to get ready for work, but his morning trip to the Memorial Stone included a cheery commentary on the developments in his relationship with Iruka, and afterwards he found himself playing with Pakkun for a couple of hours before even thinking about training.

Afternoon was another story. He had promised to meet Iruka at the school after classes, because amazingly the man had the rest of the day free after school. Kakashi was on time, figuring he might as well keep up the good vibes that were going on between them at the moment. Iruka joined him looking a little tired, and they made their way back to Kakashi's place talking quietly about the events of their separate days.

Kakashi wasn't sure when it changed, or even what it was that changed, only that something wasn't quite right anymore. They were lounging on the couch watching television, some clichéd comedy that was just funny enough to keep them from changing the channel without funny enough to actually demand any real attention. Kakashi had been leaning on Iruka comfortably ever since they arrived, and Iruka had been smiling and laughing and holding onto him as if it were the most natural thing in the world. Then suddenly, something changed, and Iruka was gently pushing him away.

"I'm just a little sore, that's all, hard day at work and all," Iruka said, resettling himself a bit.

It was a lie. Having a hard day at work wasn't a lie, Kakashi was pretty sure of that. But that wasn't why Iruka had pushed him away, and he knew it. He said nothing, though, just settled himself against the back of the couch in a position where he could sit very close to his boyfriend without touching him.

A few minutes later, Iruka stood up and paced around the room. "Can we go out?" he asked. Kakashi nodded, still wondering what was going on but not willing to ask. He should feel like he could ask these things, he thought, but he didn't feel that way. Instead of getting ready to go out, Iruka just shook his head and sat back down. "No, never mind, let's stay in. Come back here, Kakashi, I'm sorry," he offered, holding out his arms for Kakashi to settle back into.

"No," said Kakashi, his voice trembling. The effort the word took was amazing, but he was determined not to let Iruka off the hook that way, not to let a touch he very much wanted distract him from finding out what was going on. "Tell me what's wrong."

Iruka sighed, dropping his arms so that they rested on his knees. "This morning was wonderful, waking up next to you, and spending time with you."

"And that's bad how?" asked Kakashi. He was tired, so tired, but he forced himself to stand up and face Iruka standing, so that he would be in a position that made him feel powerful, even if he knew better.

"It's not. It's wonderful. As soon as I was at school, however, things felt normal again. All my doubts came back. It was as if last night hadn't happened, and this morning hadn't happened, and I was still trying to pretend everything was okay somehow when it really wasn't." Iruka sighed.

Kakashi stood very still. He frowned at Iruka, but said nothing for a long moment. His lean strong form looked ready to burst into action, ready to fight, every muscle tense as if this were a mission and not his personal life. "Iruka, just go if you're going to, and get it over with," he warned.

The dark-haired Chuunin looked scared, and Kakashi wanted very much to do something to soothe his fear, to drop to his knees and beg forgiveness for daring to be a scary infamous-deadly-shinobi. Instead he merely waited, and Iruka said, "No, Kakashi, I don't want to go. I want to be with you."

The words should have been reassuring, but the tone was off, and Kakashi was done with lies. "Then be with me. It's that simple, Iruka, do or don't. Don't play this halfway game with me anymore. I don't want you coming here acting as if you own the place, as if you own me, and then suddenly acting as if we were never together in the first place, or as if you have to work to figure out how to BE together. No more games, Iruka. Stay or go, but don't play with me anymore." The careful control Kakashi had been exhibiting up to this point wavered, but instead of throwing himself at Iruka's feet as he wanted, he merely took a seat on the couch next to the other man, still not touching him.

Iruka reached out his hand, shaking, and laid it on Kakashi's knee. "Why am I afraid of you?" he asked, staring at the shaking hand as if it had betrayed him.

Kakashi laughed. "You've always been afraid of me, Iruka. Right up until the moment you realized how much power you had over me. I can't take that power away, really, because I love you no matter what happens, but I refuse to let it control me anymore."

Iruka smiled broadly, and Kakashi could see the effort it took. He must be very sad, to smile like that, Kakashi thought. "I'm glad you're standing up to me," the kind man said, and this time Kakashi knew it was the truth. Iruka's compassion knew no bounds, and this was one of the things Kakashi loved about him in the first place. Iruka really was happy for Kakashi for finding his voice, even if it meant Iruka might lose something he wanted. "I want to be with you, but you're right, I don't know how," Iruka said, still smiling, and he lifted his hand from Kakashi's knee and stood.

Kakashi sat silently and watched him walk across the floor, then stood numbly and followed him to the door. Iruka was putting on his shoes, and he was leaving, and he wouldn't be back this time. The farce they had been calling a relationship was over, and Kakashi himself had forced the issue. He couldn't bear it, he knew that already. "Please, "he said softly, dropping to his knees though he knew he shouldn't. "Please don't go. I'll say anything you want if you just don't go," he said, feeling wretched and weak.

Iruka turned back to him, that damnable smile still in place. He reached out a hand to pet Kakashi's head again, and again Kakashi couldn't help but revel in the touch, despite all the negative connotations behind it. "Have I destroyed you already, Kakashi? Can you really not survive me simply walking out your door?"

Kakashi said nothing, merely kneeled there waiting, as if for a death blow. Iruka sighed, took his shoes back off, and reached out to pull Kakashi to his feet. He kept pulling, leading Kakashi back through his own home to his bedroom, then pulling him down onto the bed and holding him in his arms there. Kakashi melted into Iruka's arms, but his mind was reeling, trying to figure out what was going on. One 

moment Iruka had been leaving, and the next they were here, in his bed, and he was being held. Was Iruka still going to leave him? Why hadn't he been able to hold onto his self-control one moment longer, just long enough for Iruka to get out his door so he could break down and get it over with?

"Stop thinking," commanded Iruka, his tone severe. "You don't have to think so hard. Since apparently your genius ninja brain isn't working on this problem, I'll make it simple for you. You were wrong. I am powerless because no matter what I do I hurt you, and that destroys me." There was no emotion in that voice, simply a statement of fact.

Obito's eye wept. Kakashi's didn't. If Iruka noticed the tears soaking the eye patch Kakashi was wearing, he said nothing. Kakashi lifted himself out of Iruka's arms, looking down at the man critically. There was still a smile on his face, that face which always managed to look young and innocent somehow. This was the man, he remembered, who had first taught Naruto that people could care about each other, that someone could care about him despite the monster inside of him. This was the man, he remembered, who had fought with Kakashi, smiled at him, and endured his teasing. That same inexhaustible well of kindness he and others had become so dependent on was a flaw to Iruka as much as a virtue, he realized finally.

Kakashi leaned down and kissed the smiling face beneath him, determined to make that smile go away. It was a lie, and he was done with lies. Iruka merely lay there for a moment and let himself be kissed, and then finally the smile melted away and he pushed Kakashi back a bit, frowning. Kakashi sighed. "What are we doing then?" he asked.

Iruka stared at him for a long moment, and then seemed to come to a decision. "Not thinking," he replied, with a real smile this time.

Kakashi smiled in return. "I think I can deal with that." Then he kissed Iruka again, and this time Iruka kissed back. Still Iruka was kissing back with the same intensity he was kissed though; simply letting Kakashi have what he wanted. Kakashi was tired of that, because he knew the man wanted him, was sure of it, but couldn't tell from his actions. He broke the kiss, growling, and glared at Iruka. "If you want to fucking kiss me, kiss me, don't play the mimic game with me."

Iruka gave him a shocked look, and then kissed him roughly and lustfully. "Is that what you want? Do you want to know how much I want you?" he growled, and then pushed Kakashi off him, knocking him off the bed. "I've wanted you this whole time, but I didn't want to use you that way."

Kakashi had landed on his feet, just barely, and stared down at the gorgeous young man half-sitting in his bed looking both hungry and confused. How Iruka managed to radiate sexuality so well while fully dressed in uniform, Kakashi had no idea. "What happened to not thinking?" asked Kakashi, advancing back to the bed. He reached out to push Iruka back but instead found himself being pulled down by Iruka himself, and kissed again, just as hungrily as before.