I enter the utility closet, shutting the door behind me, then lean back against it and sink to the floor. I try to stay calm, but it's hard. I feel like throwing a fit. I want nothing more than to help Peeta and it's unbelievably frustrating that all I was able to do for him was leave his room. In order to maintain my sanity, I tell myself that his relapse is over by now and that he was fine as soon as I got out of his sight.

As the minutes pass, I try to focus on the good things that happened during my visit with Peeta. He's recovered so much since the strangling incident. It's nice that he doesn't seem to think I'm a mutt anymore, and it's good that he's remembered things about the Games and the Quell. I want him to get better and be able to have a normal life after the war.

And the kiss…that was nice. I close my eyes and brush my fingertips over my lips. Unwittingly, I start imagining what might have happened if Peeta had been recovered enough to let me unlock his restraints. We could have kissed in a different way; more heatedly. We probably would have rushed to pull each other's clothes off, and I bet he'd have shifted us so that he was on top of me. He would have pushed inside me, and I know it would have felt even better than it did the night before the Quell. I doubt there would have been pain this time.

I sigh, wanting him so much, and let my hand drift down. I slip it underneath my pants and underwear with the intent of mimicking the way he touched me that night. I'm surprised at how wet I am. I suppose the way Peeta was looking at me before the kiss, and the kiss itself, did this to me.

I move my fingers in circles around my nerve center. It's not quite enough, so I slide two fingers inside and use the heel of my hand to rub myself. I'm not nearly as full as I would be if Peeta were inside me, but I try to imagine it's him there. That it's him touching me, making me feel so good.

I stay quiet, squeezing my eyes shut and letting out a sigh when I lose control. It feels like my inner walls are trying to crush my fingers and I can't help thinking that it's too bad Peeta never got to feel this…I bet he would have liked it.

I take a couple minutes to recover, then make my way to the bathroom to wash up for the night. I've barely made it through the door of the room I share with Johanna when she speaks to me.

"How's your husband?"

"Ha ha," I say flatly, sitting down on my bed. After a few moments I decide to tell her, "We talked for a while…before he got upset and sent me away."

Johanna nods and resumes fussing with her fingernails. I can't be sure what she's doing from this distance, but it seems like she's shoving her cuticles down forcefully. "Too bad."

"Yeah."

"When you left together, I assumed..."

"What?"

Johanna's gaze raises to meet mine. "It seemed like you were going off to have sex, after what Finnick said."

I wish. "Not today," I say. She clearly knows that Peeta and I have done that in the past, so I don't see the point in being evasive about it. The embarrassment I felt at dinner has faded into apathy.

Johanna smirks. "Your cousin looked kind of upset about it. He left in a huff right after you and Peeta took off."

I am sorry if Gale was hurt by finding out just how close Peeta and I were, but there's nothing to be done. Besides, if that kissing footage from the Quell is like Peeta described, it can't have come as a complete shock to Gale.

I sigh, then pull out my military tactics book and try to study it. But of course thoughts of Peeta distract me.

#

When I'm saying goodbye to my mother and Prim, right before Squad 451 is set to leave, I'm surprised to see Peeta arrive. He looks around, spots me, and walks briskly toward me. His wrists are cuffed together in front of him, but he takes both my hands in his. "I remember working on the plant book together," he says.

I manage to smile. "That's good."

"And I would always bring you -" he seems to be struggling to remember.

"Cheese buns," I offer.

Peeta smiles. "Right. They're your favorite."

Before I can respond, Boggs announces to everyone that it's time for us to leave. I turn back to Peeta and he throws his cuffed wrists behind my back, pulling me in for a hug. I feel him slip a piece of paper into my back pocket and he whispers, "Look at it later."

I nod and he releases me, looking at me sadly. He opens his mouth to speak, but seems to think better of it and stops himself. Fearful of bursting into tears at any moment, I hug my mother and then give Prim one last tight hug, during which I whisper, "Please help him if you can. I love you." Prim agrees to do as I've said and tells me that she loves me too. I turn away and leave with the rest of the squad.

The first chance I get, I take the paper out of my pocket and look at it. In Peeta's writing, it simply says: Stay alive (please).

I can't help smiling. He's remembered Haymitch's sardonic first bit of advice to us, and added his own sweet touch to it. I'm glad Peeta wants me to stay alive, and of course I'll try my best. For his sake as well as Prim's.

#

When Peeta arrives as a replacement soldier, I'm shocked. But it doesn't take me long to figure out that Coin must have had him sent because she wants me dead.

It's incredibly sad and upsetting when Peeta has relapses. I try my best to help him remember what's real. I don't want to overwhelm him, so I don't talk much about the past, but whenever he asks me questions I answer them as best I can. I also carry the key to his handcuffs in my pocket, so it rests right against the pearl he gave me.

When we're fleeing through the underground tunnels and Peeta asks to be left behind, saying he can't hang on, I refuse without hesitation. Even though that kiss in Thirteen seemed to upset him, and trigger the relapse, I have to try again. What else can I do? I press my lips to his and he shudders, but I don't release him until I need air. I'm immensely relived that this kiss seems to have brought him back to me. Perhaps it's because he's slowly getting better all the time? I hope that's the reason.

I hate separating from Peeta when we leave Tigris' shop, but I know there's nothing else to be done. Neither of us will be free from danger until the war is over, so I have no choice but to try to find Snow and end it. I hate to even think this, but Peeta would slow me down, especially in his current condition. And if he was with me, I would be preoccupied with worrying about his safety, so we'd both be more at risk.

#

I'm almost there, almost to the barricade, when I think Prim hears me. She catches sight of me and her lips form my name.

I wave frantically, trying to gesture for her to come toward me, but she hesitates, looking down at the child she's just given her coat to. I move forward, rushing through the crowd of massacred children, until I reach Prim. Reflexively, I throw my arms around her and squeeze tightly. "We have to get out of here," I say.

Prim pushes me back gently, so that she can look up at me. "I can't. I have to help the children." She looks horrified and sad about what we've witnessed, about the deaths and agony that still surrounds us, but is managing to keep calm like she always does when providing care.

I can't accept what she's said. I know that the children need help, but I'm too selfish to think about them at this point. I'm too selfish to let my sister stay here, in this dangerous situation. I am going to get her out of here, no matter what.

I quickly look around and see that so many of the children are dead already. I then glance behind Prim and observe the abundance of rebel medics who have flooded into the area. Taking hold of Prim's shoulders, I turn her around so she can look at them and I lean down to speak in her ear. "Please, Prim. There are plenty of other people to help. There are more than enough."

She turns back toward me and I can tell by her expression that she is planning to protest, but we don't have time to argue. More bombs could be dropped any second. And it's not as if I'm lying. There are plenty of medics here to help the wounded children. They don't need Prim, and she's too young to be on the front lines like this anyway. Something about her being sent here, when she's only thirteen, scares me. It should not have happened and I am determined to right this wrong.

I stare into her eyes and say forcefully. "Listen to me. Think of Mother, please. Think of what happened to her five years ago. She wouldn't survive losing you, too," I say. And neither would I. "It would destroy her. And you're too young to be out here."

I can see Prim's resolve slipping away but am afraid that I have to do just a little more convincing. I don't want to say this, but after the loss of most of the Star Squad, as well as the horrors I've witnessed since we left Tigris' shop, I am desperate. I've seen so much carnage and can't even bear the thought of the person I love more than any other meeting a similar fate. "Prim," I say, "I didn't take your place in the Games just so you could die here."

The implication is clear: she owes me her life, so she should do anything I tell her to. Prim's eyes widen and she bites her lip. I start to regret playing this card, as I've obviously upset her. But then she nods her head, and I know that I've done the right thing. I've done what I have to in order to keep her safe.

I take her hand in mine. We see another medic coming to help the nearest child just as I begin pulling Prim through the crowd. No one seems to notice us as we make our way out, past the opened barricades and back into the City Circle.

I don't know where we're going, and am aware that we still have the pods to fear, but I don't stop moving. Not until we reach a building that is intact, somewhat removed from the crowds, and appears deserted. The big door in front is locked, but I spot a medium-sized window, well hidden by an artificial plant. I glance around and see that no one is looking, then I climb through the window and Prim follows me. We're in some sort of shop that's clearly been ransacked, likely by others who entered the same way we have.

I drop Prim's hand and scan around the barren space. Around a corner from the door, I find a staircase. "Come this way," I say. Prim follows me up to the second floor, where we find two doors. One leads to a bathroom and the other to an empty storage room with pipes and rafters showing. The room isn't big in depth or width, but it has a high ceiling.

I walk to the far wall of the room and peek through a window so high that I have to stand on my toes just to see out the bottom of it. No one will be able to see Prim here. She'll be safe, or at least as safe as she can be while she's away from District Thirteen.

I let my heels drop back to the ground and turn to face Prim. "This is a good place for you to stay," I tell her.

She slowly comes into the room, closing the door behind her, then sits in a corner and buries her face in her hands. I hurry to her side and wrap my arms around her.

"How could they do that, Katniss?" she asks with a shaky voice.

"I don't know," I say. I'm as perplexed as she is. I can't imagine why the Capitol would do that to the children. They were obviously there to serve a purpose, and be Snow's human shield, so why would he decide to destroy them? It makes no sense to me.

Nor does Prim's presence here. In hopes of distracting her, if nothing else, I ask, "Have there been a lot medics from Thirteen killed recently?"

Prim lifts her tear-stained face from her hands and shakes her head.

"Was there a policy change of the age at which people can be sent to the front lines?"

"Not that I know of," Prim says softly.

I explain, "I'm just trying to understand why you're here. It doesn't make sense. You're too young."

"I don't know why I was sent here. There are a couple other people my age who work in the hospital in Thirteen, but as far as I know they're still there. One of the medic coordinators told me I was to go on this trip, so I came. I wasn't really given a choice."

"What about Mother? Didn't she try to stop you from leaving Thirteen?"

"She was already gone before I was assigned to come here. I don't know where she is now."

We're both silent for a couple of minutes while I consider the possible weight of Prim's assignation. Did Coin arrange this on purpose? It was one thing to send Peeta to kill me, but would she really go out of her way to put my sister in danger in order to upset me? Or in hopes of driving me insane?

I give my head a little shake, in an attempt to clear it. I don't want to think like that. If I think about Prim being put in an unsafe situation because of me, I will lose my mind…if I haven't already.

"What happened to the sharpshooting squad?" Prim asks.

"We lost most of them." I don't really want to talk about this, because I'm afraid it will upset her, but I suppose hearing about the deaths of the Star Squad couldn't possibly be worse than what we both just witnessed outside. "There were pods - deathtraps - everywhere…and some mutts." I shiver at the thought of them.

"Who else is still alive?"

"Cressida, Pollux, and Peeta…and Gale, I guess. I saw him get captured before I found you."

"Oh," Prim says gravely, "I'm sorry, Katniss."

I nod, still feeling guilty that I didn't shoot him like I was supposed to. Then my thoughts drift back to Peeta and again I hope he returned to Tigris' shop. I know it's unlikely but I can't bear to think of him out there in that mayhem. Tears drip down my cheeks and I feel Prim's soft fingers brushing them away. I close my eyes and try to will myself to be strong, for her sake. But I'm so tired and so worried about Gale and Peeta. In spite of my good intentions, Prim ends up comforting me. I rest my head on her shoulder and continue to cry while she runs her hand up and down my back.

"I was supposed to shoot him," I sob out, "Gale. I was supposed to make sure they didn't capture him and I couldn't even do that." And now they're probably doing horrible things to him, just like they did to Peeta.

"It's not your fault, Katniss." Prim sounds so sure that I almost believe her. After a few seconds she asks, "How's Peeta been doing?"

I calm down and am able to speak with a steady voice. "There were some problems. He tried to attack me once and we had to keep him handcuffed. We all tried to help him reconstruct his memories and he had a lot of questions about the past, but most of the time he was calm and seemed normal enough."

I have to stop talking because I'm worrying about him again and I feel a stabbing pain in my chest. I rub my hand over it and Prim takes hold of my other hand.

I suddenly remember what I was on my way to do before I found Prim. When I saw her, thoughts of Snow flew out of my mind. But now there is no hiding from the fact that neither she nor Peeta will be safe until he's dead and this is all over.

"Prim," I say with resolve, "I'm going to have to leave soon and I want you to promise me you'll stay here. I have to find Snow."

Prim nods, looking unsurprised.

"I want you to be safe," I say.

"I'll stay," Prim assures me. Then she adds, "I want you to be safe, too."

I lean in to kiss her forehead, then stand up and make my way over to the high window again. I look out but can see nothing that is of any use to me. There are some people walking through the streets, and I can't see the President's mansion from this angle. With a frustrated sigh, I return to the floor to sit with Prim. I guess I'm not ready to leave her just yet.

After a couple of minutes we hear three soft knocks on the door. I glance at Prim, who looks as perplexed as I feel. The idea of someone else wanting to take shelter in this building is not that strange, but I doubt anyone would knock if they didn't somehow know we were in here.

I stand up and aim an arrow at the door, just in case, then move so that I'm directly in front of Prim.

"Come in," I say.

The door slowly swings open, and Peeta is standing there.


A/N: In case it was at all unclear, Katniss' outburst in chapter 7 lead to Beetee and Gale getting rid of the plans for their double exploding bomb, so Prim lives. (I don't want Katniss to be as despondent and grief-stricken in this AU as she was in canon, so she'll be able to focus more on Peeta, and I thought this change was feasible.)