Chapter 9: Will
In the early morning hours, when sleep hadn't fully given way to consciousness, Will often experienced his greatest pleasure. In his dreams the past merged with the present; he was however old he was currently, but Liz would be there. He'd see Liz the way she'd looked at twenty-two, eyes shining, walking down the aisle to meet him. Only she wasn't a maid of honor, but his bride. He'd watch himself with her, making love, bearing children, sharing life together. She always looked as she had at Chuck's wedding because that was the last image he'd had of her, with no other to replace it with until recently.
Sometimes his dad would show up, too, to give advice or his approval. In his reveries, Will was always a grown man, but his father's presence brought him the same assurance he'd received as a boy. If Dad was there, everything would work out with Liz.
Then he'd wake up, at first in a sweet happiness that made him reluctant to rise from his bed, fully expecting both Liz and his father to be a part of his current life. His contentment would soon give way to disorientation, followed by a numbing disappointment.
This morning the disappointment arrived harder and faster than ever. It shouldn't have. He was free now, wasn't he?
He'd broken up with Diane the night before. They'd argued at the restaurant because she kept complaining about his somber mood. He tried talking to her about his mother, and she reacted with her usual discomfort at any serious topic. Finally in frustration, Will had dropped money for the bill on the table and walked out on her.
Stacy would be proud. He'd taken her advice and dumped Diane. Yet he wasn't happy. He felt the same sense of failure he always experienced whenever his relationships ended.
He thought about Imani, how badly he'd hurt her because of his behavior with Liz at the wedding, and how she'd never let him forget it. And her barbs could really sting. It was funny, because the first time he met her, he was charmed by her bluntness.
"I was lamenting to Stacy that all the African-American men on campus are either taken or in frats, or both," she had said. "I thought she was just listening to me bitch. I didn't think a white lesbian could do anything about it. Are you sure you're not gay?"
There were many things he grew to love about Imani: her sharp mind, snarky sense of humor, and passion for social justice. She wasn't Liz, but he hardly expected two different women to be the same.
It was only when he was around Liz again in the days before the wedding that he became aware of what was lacking in his relationship with Imani. It was so easy to relax and be himself around Liz. With Imani, he always had to stay on his toes. He remembered one incident in which she complained about "bougie* black folks" on campus. He'd started laughing, finding her gripes funny when she had grown up in upper middle class suburbia, just like he had. "You and I are probably the epitome of bougie black folks, Imani."
She'd gone off on him for insulting her that way. He could hardly get a word in edgewise, as he tried to tell her that he wasn't insulting her, wasn't trying to disdain her values, just making a comment about the reality of their backgrounds.
He recalled a different incident, this time with Liz. They had been dating for about six weeks when Jenny had a really bad depressive episode, her first one in several months. Liz had gotten worried when she wasn't able to reach him, and she and her father had driven out to Pemberley to see him.
He sat in Jenny's room on a chair beside her bed as he often did during those times, rubbing her back and talking to her softly while she lay in a fetal position, unresponsive. Liz quietly entered the room and stood behind him with her hands on his shoulders. He wasn't sure how long they remained like that, maybe a half hour, until his mother came in and said she'd take over sitting with Jenny.
He led Liz by the hand to his bedroom. He guessed he was hoping for some action with her, although it wouldn't be much with his mother and sister down the hall. He was horrified when he started to cry instead.
Liz put her arms around him and held him while he struggled to get himself under control. "I'm sorry for being such a wimp," he said when he stopped crying.
"Because you're worried about your sister? That's not being a wimp, that's being human."
He shook his head. "I'm the man of the family now. I'm supposed to be stronger."
"Men aren't invincible, you know. Even your father. I bet he leaned on your mother a lot."
He looked into Liz's eyes, so gentle, accepting and non-judgmental. "Are you saying I can lean on you when I need to, Liz?"
"Yeah," she replied softly. "That's what I'm saying."
His thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of his doorbell. Who in the world was coming to see him this early on a Sunday morning? He rose grudgingly and went to press his intercom.
"It's me," he heard Diane say. "May I come up?"
She was the last person he wanted to see, but it would be the height of rudeness to turn her away. At least he'd never given her a key. It gave him time to throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt before she arrived.
Diane said hello when she entered, but made no move to hug or kiss him. He was thankful for that. She wore a short, sleeveless dress and sandals with heels, both of which emphasized her curves and shapely legs. She really was a breathtakingly beautiful woman, and Will found himself reacting to her appearance.
"May I get you some coffee or juice?" he asked, turning to look toward his kitchen in order to get his mind off her body.
Diane sat on his sofa and shook her head. "Will, please don't fake any hospitality with me. I came here to talk to you."
He sat down on a chair as far from her as he could while still being in the same room. "Say what you have to say."
"I'd like to apologize. I called my friend Claire last night, and she helped talk some sense into me." Diane leaned forward. "Will, I know you've been going through a lot with your mom, and I haven't been very supportive. It's uh… it's hard when you're the only child and only grandchild. I'm probably a little spoiled."
"A little?"
She gave him a wry grin. "OK, I'm very spoiled. And I've never had anyone in my family be really sick, so I don't know how to relate to what you're going through. But I want to. I want to understand you and support you, if you'll give me another chance."
Will wasn't sure what to think or say. Diane's eyes were soft, her expression and voice sincere. And then her cleavage… Stop. That was the last thing he needed to think about.
Diane must have noticed his state of confusion, because she stood up and walked over to him. Sitting on his lap, she put his arms around his neck and began to kiss him along his throat and cheeks and lips. "I'm in love with you, Will," she whispered.
That was the worst thing she could have said, and her words hit him like a slap upside the head. He pulled his face away from Diane's actively moving mouth and dislodged her arms from around his neck. "Stop it, Diane. And get up. You don't love me."
Diane looked at him in shock. "Yes, I do! How can you say that?"
"I don't want to have to knock you off my lap, Diane. Will you please get up?"
She stood up and glared at him.
"To answer your question, I know you don't love me because I've been loved before. I know the difference. You don't love me, you love the fact that you snared one of the city's ten most eligible bachelors." He stood and took her by the elbow. "Let me see you to the door."
She pulled away from his grip and he watched her expression turn vicious. Will felt as though he was finally seeing who she was underneath, and it wasn't at all attractive.
"You're making a mistake, Will! We could be so good together. When you run for office one day, do you know what it will do for your political career to have a woman like me at your side? We could be the next Barack and Michelle!"
"What if that's not what I want? Do you even know what my dreams are?"
Diane seemed to comprehend that she'd taken the wrong tack. Her face softened, and she grabbed his hand. "I want to know. I will if you tell me."
He pulled his hand away. "I want a woman who will accept me and love me for who I am, warts and all. With her, I know I'll be better than I ever thought I could be, because she inspires me by loving me so unconditionally."
Diane stared at him as a sudden realization dawned on her. "You have someone else, don't you! You've been cheating on me! You bastard!"
Will shook his head. "I haven't been cheating on you, Diane. But you're right, there is someone else I love."
Diane was quiet for a moment, and then she placed her hand over her mouth. "It's Liz, isn't it? Oh my God, you're a pervert! She's a member of your family!"
"No, she's not. We don't have the same genes." He suddenly burst out laughing as he remembered Kyron saying those words.
"What could you possibly see in her? She's nothing compared to me! Just a skinny dark thing who'd rather spend time in the wilds of Africa than in the halls of power where you deserve to be!"
Will stopped laughing as he started to get angry. "Diane, Liz is a thousand times the woman you'll ever be, and I could give you ten thousand reasons why I love her. I suggest you preserve a little bit of your dignity and leave right now, before I start listing them."
Diane glared at him again before turning and storming out, slamming the door behind her. Will took a few deep breaths to calm his blood pressure, and then started laughing again. For the first time in years, he didn't feel bad about breaking up with someone.
******************************
A/N: "bougie" is short for "bourgeoisie"
OK, he finally dumped Diane! What do you think now? Please comment!
