The Perfect Happy Family (or something!)

by Ulquiorra9000

Chapter 9

Ichigo sighed wearily as the Kuchiki manor door slid shut behind him and he led his party off the front grounds, his left hand clasped around Candice's right hand. "Jeez, I can't believe I'm gonna sulk out of the Soul Society like this. I sure used to be the hero around here."

"Cheer up, Ichigo," Orihime told him. She smiled and saluted. "You'll always be a hero to me, at least!"

"Buck up, darling," Candice said, her left arm holding Shiro close to her chest. "You won't let Count Byakuya dampen your spirits like that, will you?"

"Well..." Ichigo scratched the back of his head with a bashful smile. "You've got a point. Still, I'm gonna miss those dessert platters and the expensive baths. Man, Rukia is living it up nowadays..."

Giselle, meanwhile, chewed her lower lip, giving Ichigo a sidelong look as the party merged onto the main street. "You're still pouting, Ichigo! I can't accept that!"

"Don't worry about it." Ichigo got out a Soul Pager that Kisuke had lent him. "I'll have Mr. Urahara open up a senkaimon for me and - argh!"

Giselle dive-tackled Ichigo into someone's front lawn flowerbed and sat on top of him, a pouty look on her face. "No, no, no!" she said, waving a knowing finger. "I can't watch you give up like this. We came here to have fun!"

"No, we didn't."

"We came here to do something, darn it, and we're not through!" Giselle tapped her finger on Ichigo's forehead. "Hey, I know just the thing."

Ichigo made a face. "Whatever it is, I'm not gonna -"

Giselle waved her arms excitedly. "You know Rangiku Matsumoto, from Squad 10? Minnie and I made good friends with her the other day. She's throwing a party in her barracks, and we've gotta go!"

"Oh! That sounds like fun!" Meninas smiled and clasped her hands at her bosom. "A nice, friendly little soiree -"

"No, a festival of drunken debauchery, that's what," Giselle announced. "Ichigo, Candi, Orihime... let's party Soul Reaper style!"

Ichigo sighed and flopped his head back on the flowers. He felt ladybugs crawl around his head. "What does this have to do with anything?"

"I think we should go, too!" Candice added, and she patted Shiro's head. "I'll have someone look after the baby. Then we'll get our drink on!"

Ichigo wondered which gods he should ask for help in a time like this. Maybe all of them...?

*o*o*o*o*

Rangiku gasped in delight when she slid open her barracks door that evening, her cheeks already flushed pink from sake. She clutched her face. "No. Way! Ichigo? Orihime? Sternritters?"

"Sorry to intrude," Ichigo said meekly, until Rangiku threw herself onto the five of them and somehow wrapped her arms around them all. She nuzzled Ichigo's cheek.

"The guests of honor!" She hiccuped. "It ain't a party until the Kurosakis are here. This is gonna be great!"

Regretting this already, Ichigo thought as Rangiku strained his ribs with her crushing strength. Why did all these girls get so powerful when dragging him into all this craziness?!

Loud club music throbbed in the air from a sound system that Rangiku no doubt bought while visiting the living world, and the place was packed with guests! All in casual clothes, too, even Rangiku, who wore a black blouse and skirt and gold bangles. "Hey! Everyone!" Rangiku hollered, cupping her hands around her mouth. "The hero of the Soul Society is here! And he brought his wife and friends! Say hi!"

Ichigo clapped his hands over his ears as everyone roared a hello, and Ichigo fumbled as everyone forced drinks into his hands. "I... thanks, guys," he mumbled.

Candice patted Ichigo's back. "It's all right, darling. We don't need Duke Byakuya in order to have some fun!"

"What she said!" Giselle hooted. She already had a strong beer in each hand and raised them high.

Ichigo raised his eyebrows. "This is the barracks. What does Captain Hitsugaya think of -"

As though maybe reading Ichigo's mind, Toshiro emerged, his eyes icy as ever. "Lieutenant!" he barked.

"Yeeeeeees?" Rangiku made an unconvincing innocent look, hands clasped under her chin.

"I said to keep the noise level down! And to limit the party to ten people," Toshiro told her. "Remember?"

Rangiku glanced up and put a finger on her chin. "Uh... nope!" Which was bound to be untrue.

Toshiro sighed and turned back around. "I have paperwork. Have everyone out by 11:00 PM."

"Sure thing, Captain. Bye-byyyeeee!" Rangiku giggled and waved, and she didn't stop until Toshiro sulked off into his office.

Then Ichigo spotted a familiar head of red hair. "Renji? What the -?"

Renji turned around, a bashful look on his face, a sake cup in hand. "Didn't think you'd show up, Ichigo. How are ya?"

"Just look at him. He obviously needs a drink!" came Rukia's voice from... somewhere. Then she peeked her head up from behind Renji's shoulder, and she waved. "Get a beer, carrot head! Or three! Can't you unwind just once?"

Ichigo realized that Renji was carrying Rukia piggy-back style, and he scowled. "Look at that. The Kuchiki scion, at a place like this - mmmmmf!"

Meninas opened a beer and shoved it in Ichigo's face. "Here, drink!" she said merrily, and the crowd chanted "Drink! Drink! Drink!" until Ichigo went ahead and down the bottle. He held it up, and everyone clapped and cheered.

"Now the party's on!" Rangiku hooted, and the cheering doubled. "Let's start some games, everyone! Form up!"

Candice kissed her husband's cheek and toyed with her hair. "Darling, I just want to see that smile on your face," she told him. "Please? For me?"

Ichigo managed an embarrased smile. "Okay. Whatever you want."

"Then let's go!" Candice gripped Ichigo's robe sleeve and dragged him over to... something. What was this game?

"Okay, let's start with some human-style games for our guests," Rangiku said, once about twelve people from the crowd gathered in a circle facing inwards, drinks in hand. "How about Never Have I Ever?"

Everyone cheered.

"Okay, I'll go first! Ahem." Rangiku lifted her chin. "Never have I ever, uh... well, um..."

Orihime giggled. "You goof off so much, you've done everything, haven't you, Ran?"

Everyone else chuckled as Rangiku smiled. "Oops! That's true, Orihime. Good point... hey, I actually know one. Never have I ever kissed a girl!"

Ichigo sure had, so he took a drink along with seven others. To his shock, Orihime did, too.

"Whoa," Ichigo commented.

Orihime went pink. "I... experimented in my freshman year of college. Nothing gross, though!"

"That's the spirit, princess!" Giselle said from across the circle. "But next time, feel free to get into gross territory!"

"Gigi!" Meninas elbowed her friend.

All eyes were on Ichigo, so he took a step forward. "Never have I ever... um... won an argument with Rukia."

Rukia rolled her violet eyes. "That's true... but make them dirtier, Ichigo! Or funny!" And no one drank to that; Rukia could demolish anyone one-on-one!

"Do another one, darling!" Candice cheered him on, and eveyone chanted his name.

"Fine, fine!" Ichigo waved a hand for silence. "Never have I ever... seen Rangiku's rack!"

"That's better, Ichigo!" Rangiku said as she took a drink (duh). Orihime did too, and one other girl Ichigo didn't know.

Ichigo stared in shock at Orihime once again. "For real?"

"She stayed at my house as a member of the Hitsugaya Advance Team, remember?" Orihime said with a sly smile.

Ichigo grinned. "You're on fire tonight, Orihime. I promise I won't tell Uryu anything."

"Thanks."

Now Renji took a turn. "Never have I ever read a dirty magazine," he announced.

Rukia elbowed him. "You have too!"

Renji went as red as his hair. "Hey, that erotic wall scroll Captain Kyoraku gave me doesn't count!"

"It does!" Rukia argued, stamping a foot. "You took an awfully long time to return it."

Everyone chuckled at that, and most drank, even Meninas and Candice. "Orihime lent me one of hers," Candice explained to Ichigo after her drink. "Those guys in the pictures were... well..." She went just as red as Renji.

Ichigo tapped a finger on his beer. "Don't worry, I'm not jealous or anything. For real!" he added, seeing his wife's sly look.

Rukia went ahead with hers. "Never have I ever gone skinny-dipping."

Ichigo tried not to recall a certain memory as he drank. This time, Orihime didn't, but Renji, Giselle, and Candice did.

"You went skinny-dipping, too?" Renji asked Giselle, amazed.

Meninas rolled her eyes. "She's done everything nude at least once."

"That's true!" Giselle said proudly. She toyed with one of her hair antennae. "In fact, if you want -"

"Okay, let's transition to another one. Everyone sit down," Rangiku announced, and the third seat officer pased around fresh beers. More joined them to form a mega-circle of fifteen. "We're doin' truth or dare!" Rangiku said, clearly tipsy as she arranged harder drinks and glasses on a tray in front of her. "And that includes these drinks, just to work some tongues loose."

Ichigo watched the hard drink with suspicion. What secrets would they loosen?

"I'll go first! Me, me!" Giselle waved her arms.

"Cheater," Meninas muttered.

"Fine, then you get some first, Minnie. Truth or dare?" Giselle challenged her friend.

Meninas shrank back as everyone stared at her in glee. She nervously toyed with her beer. "I-I, uh..."

"Do a dare!" Renji cried.

"No, the truth!" Rukia demanded.

Meninas braced herself as though about to jump into freezing water. "D-dare!"

Giselle smiled widely and leaned closer. "Kiss me."

"Oooooooooh!" said pretty much everyone else.

"Or drink an entire bottle of Jack Daniels by yourself. Your choice," Giselle added, puckering her lips.

Meninas squeaked. "Drinking that much would kill me!"

"Sounds like you made up your mind." Giselle leaned a bit closer, holding Meninas' shoulders.

"Oh, why not." Sternritter P leaned in, closed her eyes, and gave Giselle a big, wet smooch that earned all kinds of applause.

"Everyone drink to celebrate! New rule!" Rangiku cheered, and everyone obeyed. Ichigo grinned as he finished his drink; the alcohol was giving him a nice buzz. He felt so light and relaxed!

Meninas parted from her friend and wiped her lips with the back of her gloved hand. "Okay, now my turn." Her cunning eyes roved the eager crowd. She locked onto her target like a high-tech missile. "Ichigo! Truth or dare?"

"Truth!" Orihime suggested.

"Dare! Dare!" Giselle piped up.

Ichigo made a face. "These suggestions aren't part of the game! Okay, um... truth. Do your worst."

Meninas cracked a grin not unlike Giselle's. "Ichigo, where's the most creative place where you and Candice made love?"

Giggles broke out and Ichigo felt more eyes lock onto him. He smiled and patted Candice's knee. "On a tree stump near the creek in the park that's close to my house. Raichimon Park, it's called."

"Oh! I've been there!" Meninas realized. Then she giggled. "In the wild? Nice one, Ichigo! You and Candice are like animals, in a good way."

"I sure am." Candice mimed a growling tiger and nibbled on Ichigo's earlobe, her claw-like fingers gripping him. "Grrrrrr, I'm a tigress!" She let off a few zaps of The Thunderbolt, and nearby players jumped away in alarm.

"Au naturel!" Renji said proudly. "You've got some style, Ichigo!"

"That's not how you pronounce it," Rukia told him.

"Whatever."

"So!" Ichigo squared his shoulders once Candice let go of him. "Rukia, truth or dare?"

Rukia sat up straighter. "Truth!"

"Tell me to what base you and Renji got on your first date, and all the details," Ichigo said, amazed at how loose his tongue felt. "Either that, or three shots of the hard drinks!"

"Oooooooh!" said everyone again, glancing eagerly at Rukia, who went red.

"W-well, uh..." Rukia traced nervous circles on the wooden floor with her finger, avoiding Renji's eyes. "We got to... um... I mean, we only..."

Then she lunged for the hard drinks and took three shots at lightning speed. Everyone clapped as she resumed her place, still totally red.

"Good call. Those details aren't suitable for the public," Renji said, putting a comforting arm around his wife.

Rukia trembled. "No kidding!" Then she tossed her hair and pointed. "Ichigo again! Truth or dare?"

So that's how it is? Ichigo cleared his throat. "Let's keep the truth train rolling."

"Really." Rukia's eyes glinted. "In that case... when was the last time when you got hot and heavy with Candice, but you didn't feel manly enough to finish things? Ever lose your moxy?"

Renji must have taught her that! Ichigo faltered. "Well, I... uh...!"

"That, or three shots of hard drinks!" Rukia added.

Ichigo sure as hell took that offer. Man, was everyone gonna nose in on his love life?! Then he realized... they all know about my home life woes! Fine, let's see what they can get outta me!

Around the circle things went, until Rangiku pointed at Candice. "Truth or dare, missy?"

"Dare!" Candice cheered.

"Got it." Rangiku cocked her head. "Show us the first ten seconds of lovemaking with your husband!"

"Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!" everyone chanted.

"Watch this." Candice smiled, then pounced on Ichigo and pinned him down, parting his black robes while trailing kisses up and down his neck and chest, letting off zaps of The Thunderbolt as she went. She unbuttoned her blouse and tossed it aside, gently pressing her breasts to Ichigo's chest, her own chest heaving. "Hope you don't mind an audience, darling," she whispered tantalizingly into Ichigo's ear.

"This is totally more than ten seconds," Ichigo mentioned.

"Why, d'you want me to stop?"

"Nope!"

"Hey, I can do that, too!" Without warning, Giselle whipped off her top and tackled Meninas to the ground, straddling her while tracing her tongue down Sternritter P's jaw.

"Gigi, stop... wait, that feels good," Meninas moaned, tilting her head to expose her neck. "Just a little more?" She undid the top two buttons of her blouse, revealing her lacy white bra.

Then Rukia took the plunge and lovingly tackled Renji to the floor, gleefully parting his robe, running her hands along his well-defined abs. Everyone cheered and clapped, and Rangiku looked astounded.

"Hey! You guys didn't take turns yet!" Rangiku cried, but no one as paying attention until she held up the hard alcohol bottles. "Guys... whoever listens to me gets free drinks and bonus points in the next game!"

Candice sat up on Ichigo's chest and gasped. "Extra drinks and points?" Then she looked back down at her husband. "Never mind, I have my bonus points right here!"

"I'll let Candice decide the next game," Rangiku offered.

Candice got to her feet, hands on her hips, a wicked grin on her face. "Listen up, Soul Reapers! I have a new game. I call it -"

Ichigo didn't remember much after that.

Although... he did remember becoming Captain Morgan's first mate, so to speak, and Candice making best friends with Jim Beam, and Renji winning against Giselle in a game of Edward 40-hands (where you duct-tape 40-ounce bottles of beer to your hands and drink until they're both empty), and Orihime nuzzling Rangiku's busty bosom (twice, actually, or maybe three times), and Giselle getting naked, putting her clothes on, then stripping again several times, and -

Ugh. Ichigo's vision got fuzzy, and he didn't even feel himself collapse face-down on the couch and fall asleep.

Nothing embarrassing or bad had happened to him, right? He was in the clear, wasn't he...? Surely, he was fine...