~Chapter Seven~
Emotion is a difficult thing to endure. As humans we are blessed with such a gift, the ability to express and to feel and to understand the sensations that we are exposed to in our daily lives. The seemingly incomprehensible and instinctive knowledge and reactions we have to said exposures are equally vast and overwhelming. It is both miraculous and unfathomable that so many emotions can and do exist, and are recognized. Affection, love, anger, grief, concern, etc. The list goes on in its seemingly infinite entirety.
As humans were are blessed with such a gift as this. As humans we are also cursed by its very presence.
I can't be entirely positive, but I was almost sure that the sight of Drake's tattoo; the swirled Celtic design of some female's name, had surely turned my face of contented indifference into one of utter defeat. It was deafening, it was blinding, and it was acutely painful to watch him walk away. To know, for sure, that any of what I perceived to be small hopes were nothing more than blind fantasies.
I had never felt so alone. So entirely alone and ... unnecessarily betrayed. Who exactly the betrayer is I cannot tell you. But surely some deity or spirit of the like was looking down upon me with a smug smirk. Surely I was created as a pawn to elicit hilarity, a marionette in a show, a life, of dead and dark ends.
I wondered, briefly, how any emotion could be so crippling. I couldn't move, and although my thoughts seemed to be screaming 'run' or 'hide', my feet wouldn't register or accept their commands. It was some sick joke, some sick cosmic prank that I was seemingly the victim of.
Alone.
And I always will be.
I dug the pads of my calloused fingers into the dark, rough bark of the tree, keeping myself grounded, keeping myself sane. Because, for all intents and purposes, sanity wasn't something I would no longer be able to call my own. This month, these coming weeks will prove that, and whatever childhood dream or fantasy that my heart has kept harbored and alive will die little by little.
I couldn't stop the tears. I couldn't stop myself from curling in, dipping my chin to my chest in an effort to completely and totally disappear. After all, who wanted anything to do with me? I had come to accept, in so many words, that I was the outsider, the black sheep of the pack. I had come to accept that I would be alone in the 'shifter' aspects of my life. But with these understandings had also come bright spots. Spots that gave me reason and hope. Like my family. Like my mother and my father. Like my music. Like these woods. I knew that I had lost the love of my twin the second the realization of static was brought about, I knew that I lost my dreams of being a Dark Guardian that same day. But I held on to the hope that someday things would be different. That I could meet someone who loved me for me and who didn't judge me or make premature decisions about the person I am based on my obvious lackings.
Drake was supposed to be my person. But, just like every other dream of mine, this dream was shattered.
And now, sitting here, on a low hanging willow over a secluded lake in the national forest I have come to call my home, I stare into the midnight depths of rippling waves and see in it's reflective surface the complete essence of despair.
I watched the half-moon rise in the distance and for the first time, looked into its pearled craters with disbelief instead of reliance. The moon was no longer my maybe but my 'no'.
And it hurt, so, so much. Not just emotionally, not just mentally, but I seemed to be left with a physical ache, a tangible loss. It was as if someone had lacerated the delicate valves of my heart and I could feel the drips and drops of blood as they pooled in my stomach.
I felt nauseous.
The tortured remnants of my realistic longings wanted for me to leave, needed for me to find solace and solitude away from prying eyes. The squished, moistened ground of this hidden beach no longer called to me, no longer allowed me that sense of calm and control that I so desperately craved. It taunted me, tormenting me with visions and sightings of my once best friend turned first love and the permanent marking that proved his devotions lied elsewhere.
But I was paralyzed in this vulnerability. A loneliness so encompassing, so raw that not even the simplest notions came easily.
I released a single, broken sob. The only palpable indication of my unwilling acceptance.
How could I face him now, how could I smile? Not just for him, but for anyone. I let myself become too attached, and look where it's led me? To heartbreak, just like everything else I have ever come to love. Just like everything else that I ever come to wish for.
But I can't place this blame on him. I can't make him responsible for the misfortunes I have been accustom to and aware of the majority of my short life. It was selfish of me to let myself become so close, to let my heart learn to love what was good for it. Because I knew, I know that in this life, in my life, all good things must come to some tragic and abrupt end. I was the victim to my own perpetrator, and this night was my consequence.
I was selfish for being sad, for wanting him when he so clearly deserved so much more. Maybe it will be better now, now that I know he longs for nothing more than friendship. Maybe it will be better knowing that my supposed boundaries will be finally set in stone, be distinguishable and separate from my oblivious fantasies.
So I waited. I sat there. Like a good friend should. Waiting to join the rest of the group when it came time to leave. Because, I didn't have a right to be hurt. Because, I didn't have a right to feel this pain. Because, my leaving would lead to a wanting for explanations that I could not give.
I remained stationary. Unmoving, silent, alone.
0~0~0~0~0
It was sometime later when the fun of the desolate lake became null and void. The positioning of the moon in the blackened sky showed proof enough that the time to turn in had long since past. They had a shift to attend to before the night was through, and some of them feared that they were late in relieving their posts.
"Are you ready to go?" I had my face to the dirt, my green eyes seeing nothing but it's dark, moist depths as I pushed my body away from the branch and gave Drake a subtle nod.
I was afraid to vocalize any sort of sentiment for fear that an emotional breakdown would soon follow. He didn't deserve to watch me endure such an event, it wouldn't have been fair.
I watched as he pulled his dark T-shirt over his damp chest, taking one more brief look toward the moon before cursing under his breath.
"We're going to be late." He muttered to himself, reaching for my hand and securing it in his tight grip. "Come on." He commanded softly, his long legs pulling us into a brisk jog. And my annoyance with myself rose a little further. Even my slow, static like tendencies were holding him back. As if my presence alone were not enough.
I tugged on his grip, pulling his tall form to a stop. He dropped his hold on my hand. "Go on ahead without me. You'll be faster in wolf form." My monotonous tone gave nothing away but a complete air of indifference, and I didn't know whether to praise myself for the ability to hold back my emotions or to curse myself for seeming so distant. I was a horrible friend.
"It's late, Logan. I can't let you wander the forest alone!" He urged, reaching for my hand once more. I pulled it back, out of his reach, shaking my head at him.
"Just go." I nearly pleaded, gesturing with my head toward the direction where the others had run off in.
He sighed, and I watched as his pale, beautiful blue eyes squinted with thought, his striking black mane bobbing with the effort of his constantly turning head. He was deciding which would be the better option, and I hoped that he would just go. Just leave me alone; it's what I needed at the moment.
He huffed, moving his arms to the base of his shirt before peeling it away from his torso and tossing it at me. I stared, blankly as he headed toward the brush beside the Lake.
I guess he decided that running would be the better option. I could carry his clothing back for him if he wished, it was the least I could do.
Moments later his shorts joined the pile in my hands and I was staring at the wolf-creature as he appeared in front of me.
"You go on ahead, I'll bring your clothes." I reasoned, motioning for him to take his leave. His cerulean irises seemed to darken just slightly and I watched with confused amusement as he rolled his eyes. He poked his cold nose into my thigh, moving to stand in front of me.
He wanted me to climb on his back. I immediately shook my head. I wasn't ready for that... At least, I knew that I couldn't handle it emotionally. Being so close with him, it felt almost too intimate a gesture to be shared between the two of us.
He growled slightly, turning his head and nipping slightly at my forearm. A warning.
"Please, Drake... Just go, I'll be fine." I pleaded, clutching his warm T-shirt closer to my chest, my arms wrapping around my torso of their own accord, as if the gesture would keep me from falling apart.
He whined softly at me, moving once more to poke his nose into my thigh. I brushed my fingers through the bristles along his forehead, wanting to lean down and wrap my arms around him. But I couldn't, and I needed to stop this train of thought. He could read my mind in this form. I feared I had already exposed myself too much.
The wolf moved ever closer to me, his warm breath tossing up the edges of my dress with ever exhaling breath. He rested his furry cheek against my stomach, closing his eyes slightly. My fingers danced along his spine and I took in a shaky breath, knowing that if he didn't leave soon he was most definitely going to be late and would more than likely get in trouble.
I didn't want to cause him trouble; I had done enough of that as it was.
I shook the thought from my head.
"Okay." I obliged, watching as he stepped away from me. I climbed gently onto his back, being careful not to hurt him. I rested the crest of my head in the dip between his shoulders, crossing my legs at the ankle and resting them atop his backside.
He took off as soon as I was secure.
And the feeling was phenomenal. And I knew in that moment, that this would be as close as I would ever get to experiencing the beauty that is a shifted form. I would never be able to run this fast, never be able to feel the rush of broken air against my wind-swept cheeks. I would never be able to feel the coursing, constant pounding of another's heartbeat against the shell of my ear. I would never feel so safe.
And although I wanted to censor my thoughts to him, knowing full well that he was hearing every single one that passed through my jumbled and tormented mind, I couldn't help but forget reason and rhyme as I watched the darkened strips of trees and rocks fly past at unnatural speeds. The quick inhale and exhale of the wolf's running breaths kept me centered to that fact that I was sharing this experience with another, that it was not a solitary act in the least. And Drake was willing to show this side of him to me. It made me giddy in an unnecessary and almost childlike sort of way.
I nuzzled my cheek into the side of his neck, a gesture made to warm my wind-burned face, but a gesture also made as a sign of wonderment and gratitude. He turned his eyes towards me, and in his alighted irises reflected my own similar expression and for the first time in a long time I let myself laugh, loudly, breathlessly, because surely nothing in life could ever be any greater than this. I felt whole. Complete.
For the duration of those few miles I wasn't just Logan Dawes; lonely static. I was Logan Dawes; almost shifter.
0~0~0~0~0
It seemed only moments later that we broke through to the gates of Wolford. With one, what I hoped was subtle; inhale of Drake's sweet, woodsy scent I climbed gently off his back, allowing him the relief from my weight.
He turned his nose up to the sky, and I followed his gaze seeing that we had made it back with only minutes to spare. I could see beyond the steel bars the wolves that prowled and guarded our home. It was time for him to go. It was time for me to let him go.
To let go of whatever fantasies of 'if's' and 'maybes' and to accept my circumstances for what they are and for what they will never be.
"I'll bring your clothes to your room." I spoke softly, running my chilled fingers through the cool fabric. He nodded ever so slightly, moving to stand before me. I pressed the heel of my palm to the side of his neck, feeling his pulse point as I dusted my nails against the warmth there.
"See you tomorrow." I whispered, stepping away from him and moving toward the gates. I punched in my key-code, allowing him to follow me inside before I closed the door behind us.
I walked toward the front doors alone, my wolf companion having left me to prowl the eastern edge of our land.
I moved inside quickly, shutting the large door behind me. I stared blankly at the clothing in my hands, my feet moving of their own device to carry me up to the third floor, past my own room and down a narrow hallway, where Drake's families quarters were. I didn't have a key, but I knew that Mrs. Lawson kept one taped to the underside of the quaint welcome mat that was placed just outside their doorway.
I found it quickly enough, making quick work of the lock before running my hands blindly along the edges of the smooth dry wall in search for a light switch. It's plastic shape of a switch dragged along my palm and I flipped it, illuminating the room in its entirety.
I had been in here before, but only on a few brief occasions. Once when Mrs. Lawson had something she wanted for me to deliver to my mother, and once when Drake left his guitar case.
I folded the shirt and shorts and laid them neatly along the unmade black comforter of Drake's bed, smiling at his messy antics.
I can't believe I let myself fall for him. I was a fool.
I dragged my fingers along the smooth material once, twice, and then I left, returning to my own room.
0~0~0~0~0
The next morning I awoke to the familiar yet unwelcome sound of a beeping Walkie Talkie.
I pressed the black button on its side, holding the plastic device to my lips. "Logan here." I whispered tiredly, hearing only shuffling and a few faint noises crackling through the speakers.
"Logan, Lucas here, just wanted to let you know we arrived at the campsite and day ahead of schedule, so we should be back at the river in about three days or so." I mumbled incoherently into my pillow before once more bringing the plastic to my face.
"Sure, sure. Have fun." I spoke, tossing the device to the other side of the bed and turning my cheek back into the down of my feather pillow.
0~0~0
I awoke for the second time a few hours later, the digital alarm clock reading 12:30 PM. Wonderful, I had slept through lunch.
It didn't matter so much though, my mother kept a few random boxes of granola bars stashed around the apartment in various places. I found a strawberry Nutrigrain bar that I munched on as I powered up my cell phone.
I kept it one usually, but since my overwhelming phone call to my mother it has stayed safely hidden in the nightstand drawer. I didn't want to deal with anything then, but I knew I would have to eventually.
I listened to a few messages, returning some calls about reserving tour guides in a few weeks and sent a quick text to my mother to let her know I was doing all right. Sometimes I wished she could just come pick me up, but I knew that would be selfish of me to make her come so out of the way, and how would it look to the others? I would just wait it out, I supposed.
I updated my calendar with the new dates, scanning mindlessly through its color coded confines. I stared blankly at the date just weeks away, the day of my transformation moon. The little black circle in the top right corner of the date alerted the public to the fact that a full moon would take place that night, I just wanted to rip out the taunting square and shred it into an infinite number of indistinguishable pieces.
Only twelve more days.
0~0~0~0~0
A/N: Hey people! I'm sorry I didn't get his chapter out yesterday, had to take an unexpected trip to the ER...not fun. Remember bikes and flip flops don't mix! :P Anywho, hoped you liked the chapter, a lot of you have been making some pretty good guesses about what's to come in the later chapters, so kudos to you! Review please and tell me what you think, I love hearing everyone's thoughts!
Also a big shout out to xxfantasy because your review made me smile so wide :) Thank you so much!
