Haruka wakes up before her alarm clock goes off.

For a moment, she's confused. She went to bed happy, exhausted but content, skin still tingling from the parting touches Makoto had given her before returning to her own house for the night.

She didn't dream, not of her grandmother or of Makoto, so her drastic shift in mood is off-putting. The unprecedented return of her sadness is enough to push Haruka over a dangerous precipice, and the silence in her house makes her ears ring.

Haruka doesn't bother with a bath, hurrying down to the kitchen dressed only in her nightshirt and underwear. She finds her pot underneath the sink and drags it out from the darkness. It's special and isn't kept with the rest of her dishes and cookware. It's almost as if she goes out of her way to hide it from anyone who might look through her cabinets.

She turns on the stove. Normally she would fill the pot with water first, but she's cold. Everything is cold, the room, her skin, and Haruka hates, hates, hates it, fingers fumbling desperately with the dial that adjusts the burner's temperature. Only then does Haruka run the sink water, not bothering to shut it off once the pot is full as she hauls it back to the stove and sets it down.

Water sloshes over the edge, falling to the stove's surface with a burst of steam and a quiet hiss, and Haruka waits, shaking with her sickness, wondering if she should start with her legs or her arms, hands or feet, but whatever it doesn't even matter, anything to get the job done –

"Haru?"

She freezes.

Makoto is early.

Haruka doesn't dare turn around, just stares hard at the metal of her burner as it glows dark orange.

It's one of her least favorite colors, second only to yellow. They make her head hurt. No colors should be that happy.

Makoto is quiet. There's no way she doesn't know what Haruka is doing, and the older girl knows she can't pass this off as nothing, act as if she was just making breakfast.

She's probably staring at the back of Haruka's legs, identifying the burn scars and recalling their individual stories. Haruka has told her the ones she remembers. And if Makoto hadn't caught her in the act, Haruka probably would have had a hell of a time explaining the new ones.

Haruka glares at her pot, hot tears of humiliation sliding down her face. She's let Makoto down, let everyone down, in the worst way possible. She's caught, and there's nowhere to hide. Now Makoto knows how weak Haruka really is.

Makoto's footsteps are soft and slow as she approaches Haruka from behind, and the other girl stays completely still, watching as bubbles start to rise to the surface of her pot.

Warmth envelops her right hand, and Makoto interlaces their fingers, squeezing so tightly Haruka can feel her pulse where their palms are pressed together.

"I'm here." Makoto says without a trace of disappointment, and Haruka nearly sags with relief, chest shuddering as she barely manages to suppress a hiccupping sob. "You're okay, Haru, I'm right here."

"I don't want to be here." Haruka means the house. How she's managed to survive there by herself for so long is beyond her, but she's sick of it and needs to get out. She'll go crazy. She can't take the silence anymore.

"I know you don't." Makoto sounds calm, but it's an act, it has to be. She must be so scared. "One day at a time, okay?"

Haruka doesn't say anything, but she reaches out with her unoccupied hand to turn off the stove.

Bide her time. That's all she has to do, keep it all locked up until her parents come back for her.

She needs to tell Makoto. She has to tell her so the other girl won't wake up one day to find Haruka gone, vanished, as if she never existed.

But the words won't come, and Haruka cries while Makoto holds onto her.

She may have turned off the stove for the first time ever, but she's still weak.


When Haruka receives a text from Rei at eight o'clock on a Saturday morning, she knows something is up.

'I need to talk to you. In person, if that's okay,' is all the message says, and Haruka tries not to worry too much as she responds with, 'Okay. Come over whenever.'

Tinker is already outside, waiting for her breakfast, and she trots into the house when Haruka opens the sliding door leading out to the porch, weaving around the girl's with a rumbling purr.

Haruka had gone with Makoto and the twins to a pet store about a week ago. She never spends the full amount of money her parents send her each month, so it wasn't a huge deal to go out and buy meager things to make her little stray more comfortable in the house. The cat toys were mostly the twins' idea, and they love to come to Haruka's once school ends to play with the white cat since the ones near their own house aren't sociable.

Tinker never seems to know quite what to do with herself when confronted with things that are, for all intents and purposes, her own. Haruka has to wonder if the feline has ever lived with humans before or if she's been a stray all her life. Either way, she seems to be happy with the arrangement, spending her days at Haruka's before disappearing again once the sun goes down.

Some part of Haruka wishes Tinker would stay, if only so she wasn't completely alone in the house at night.

Haruka is in the living room when a knock sounds on her front door. She's been trying but failing to finish her homework so she doesn't have to worry about it for the rest of the weekend, and she's thankful for the distraction as she pushes herself to her feet and heads for the door.

"I'm sorry." Rei says at once. She looks like she rushed over as soon as Haruka responded, as she's only wearing a pair of black sweatpants and a dark purple tank top, probably what she slept in the previous night. Both Rei and Nagisa have to take the train to get to school, and Haruka knows that under normal circumstances, Rei would never use public transportation looking – in her eyes – unkempt. "I didn't wake you up with my message, did I?"

Haruka shakes her head, moving aside so Rei has room to step into the entryway. "I've been awake since six-thirty. Couldn't sleep."

She leads Rei into the living room where her school supplies are strewn about. Tinker is curled up on Haruka's backpack, and her tail twitches as the two girls enter the room. "I didn't know you had a cat." Rei says when she spots her.

"I don't. Not really, anyway." Haruka says crossly, stooping over to pick Tinker up and move her off her backpack. Cats are weird. It's as if they know the places where you don't want them and then proceed to claim them as their own. Haruka is going to have a bitch of a time picking the cat hair off her backpack. "She's just a stray I take care of."

"I see." Rei says with a slight laugh, setting her purse down on the floor before seating herself next to it, leaning on her forearms as Haruka sets to work distracting Tinker with one of her new toys. "I have a cat at home as well. He likes to lay on my club jacket after I wash it."

"Evil, evil kitties." Haruka tosses the rubber mouse she's holding into the next room and watches as Tinker dashes after it, out of sight. She then sits down at the kotatsu across from Rei, pushing her textbooks onto the floor carelessly. "So." Haruka says. "What did you wanna talk about?"

Rei seems to deflate slightly, and she sighs heavily, pushing her glasses up slightly so she can scratch at the bridge of her nose. "Haruka-s – Haruka, I have a question for you."

The little slip doesn't go unnoticed, but Haruka chooses not to comment. She knows Rei is a creature of habit and that it will take a while before she's comfortable addressing Haruka and the others informally.

"Okay, shoot."

"How did you know that you were attracted to females?"

Haruka can only stare. "You… want to know how I knew I was gay?"

Rei nods, her expression almost eager, and Haruka sighs, because it is way too early for this.

"I don't like penises." Haruka says, tugging the sleeves of her sweater down over her hands as she speaks. "They're weird and gross."

"Is that all?"

"Well." Haruka pauses, pursing her lips thoughtfully. "It's not like I hate men. Gou's cool, but he's just a friend. I don't see him or any other guy in a romantic or sexual way and I never have."

Rei drums her fingers atop the table, and there's a slight frown on her face. She seems frustrated, though it doesn't seem to be directed at Haruka. "What is it about girls that you like?"

"Well, they're more mature than guys, for starters." Haruka says, and she knows she wouldn't be saying any of this stuff if she weren't so fucking tired. "Girls show their feelings more, so a relationship probably wouldn't be as confusing. They're prettier and softer, and they smell a hell of a lot better. They're kind and sweet. They blush a lot, it's easier to read their minds, they're more gentle – "

Haruka cuts herself off with a start when she realizes she's starting to describe Makoto.

"And, um, I like boobs." Haruka finishes after clearing her throat. Rei seems to be hanging off her every word. "More than I probably should."

For a moment, Rei doesn't react, but then she nods, slowly, as if deciding something. "Okay. Thank you, Haruka."

Haruka waits for her friend to continue, but when she doesn't, she's confused. "Why was that so important that you had to come here so early?"

"It's gotten to a point where I can't sleep." Rei groans, and she takes off her glasses, setting them on the table and rubbing at her eyes with the heels of her palms. "I can't stop thinking about this!"

"Does it bother you that Makoto and I are dating?"

"What? No, not at all!" Rei exclaims. "It's the opposite! It's like I'm seeing things clearly for the first time."

Haruka eyes the other girl warily. "Are you okay? Are you sick?"

"No, I'm just – " Rei pauses, pressing her palms to either side of her face, pursing her lips almost in exasperation. "I think I might be the same way."

"What, you think you're a lesbian?"

Rei doesn't respond, though she doesn't seem fazed, and Haruka recalls when they first met, when Nagisa said she swam breast and Rei got flustered.

Come to think of it, whenever Nagisa says something even remotely suggestive, Rei starts acting weird. But if Haruka, Makoto, or Rin were to say the same thing, Rei probably wouldn't bat an eye. She's a girl of accuracy and science, and she doesn't react childishly to certain words as some her age might.

Haruka said she didn't like penises and Rei didn't even choke. Huh.

All at once, realization dawns. How she didn't see it before, Haruka doesn't know. She blames her lack of sleep.

"Oh." She breathes, eyes widening the slightest bit. "Nagisa?"

"She's been messing me up since day one." Rei moans, letting her arms fall back to the table. They're stretched out, palms facing the ceiling, and it almost looks like she's pleading with Haruka. "I've never entertained the idea of becoming romantically involved with someone before, not ever. It seemed pointless and stupid. But when Makoto-s – Makoto told us you two were a couple, I realized that I kind of want that with Nagisa."

"Kind of?" Haruka echoes, somewhat amused. "You either do or you don't, Rei."

"Okay, I do." Rei laments. She has yet to put her glasses back on, and her violet irises shine with such sincerity that Haruka doesn't even think to doubt the girl's feelings. She knows that look. She's seen it before. "I really do. More than anything. And it's getting ridiculous, because I'm losing sleep over this, and… Haruka! How do you function?"

"One day at a time." Haruka says with a slight smile, though she wonders if Rei can tell it's self-deprecating. "Makoto makes me crazy, but she's worth it. I think you should tell Nagisa."

"Oh, no." Rei retorts immediately, and the expression on her face speaks of true horror. "No way, I couldn't possibly."

"Why not? You're losing sleep, right? I bet you'd feel better if you told her."

"But what if – "

Haruka picks up her pencil and taps Rei's wrist with it, fixing her with what she hopes is a stern look. "Don't over think it. The worst that could happen is that she tells you she's straight or that she just cares for you as a friend. And Nagisa would never stop being your friend over this. I promise that you'll only feel worse if you keep it from her."

Rei sighs. "I guess you're right. I can't imagine keeping this to myself for the rest of my life."

"If it helps," Haruka says, "I think you two would be cute together."

Rei actually manages a smile at that, as if Haruka's opinion truly means that much to her. "It does help, actually. Thank you so much for listening to me."

"What else are friends good for?" Haruka says flatly, though she's only joking.

"Could you not mention this to anyone? At least not until I work up the nerve to tell Nagisa?"

"Yeah, sure thing."

Rei stays for another two hours. After she sees the homework Haruka was trying to work on, she offers to help, and Haruka is too tired to deny her. However, she is grateful, and she manages to finish her mathematics and science homework much quicker than she would have by herself.

She walks Rei to the door and waves her goodbye, but once Rei clears the steps, Haruka is dashing back to the living room, falling to her knees beside the kotatsu and pushing countless papers aside until she locates her phone.

'Guess what'

It takes Makoto less than a minute to respond. Haruka wonders why Makoto is awake before she remembers that her girlfriend has two siblings that rise with the sun. 'Seijuro asked Gou on another date and he actually said yes to her?'

'Rei just came over and told me she's attracted to girls, specifically Nagisa'

'WHAT?!'

'She made me promise not to tell anyone Makoto, what is my life I just want to go back to bed'

'DON'T MOVE, DON'T SLEEP, I'M COMING OVER RIGHT NOW'

Haruka feels pretty shitty for tattling to Makoto almost immediately, but they tell each other pretty much everything. When Rei told her to keep it a secret for now, what Haruka really heard was, "Don't tell anyone aside from Makoto."

The blue-eyed swimmer sits back on her knees, releasing a short breath that disturbs her dark bangs. She turns her attention to cleaning up before Makoto gets there, leaning around the side of the table to reach for her backpack.

And of course Tinker is there, sitting with her tail curled around her paws, staring up at Haruka with wide green eyes.

Haruka glares at her. "See if I share my mackerel with you ever again."


"Haru, my leg is falling asleep."

Haruka glances up from her notebook, eyes narrowed to slits. "I thought I told you not to move."

Makoto groans, shoulders sagging the slightest bit, and it's enough to make Haruka's inner artist shriek with indignation. Truthfully, school isn't the best place to sketch Makoto, for the posing options are very limited, but Haruka was struck with inspiration and hadn't been able focus on anything else until Makoto agreed to sit still for a while.

They have a free period right before lunch, so Haruka's been sketching Makoto since it started. Her girlfriend is at her desk as she usually is, but she's sitting sideways in the chair, facing Haruka. One leg is drawn up to her chest, arms wrapped loosely around the area just above her shin and chin resting atop the knee. Unfortunately for Haruka, Makoto wears spandex underneath her skirt, otherwise the view would be extraordinarily pleasant.

For a while at least, Makoto was content to sit quietly and let Haruka have her way. Her eyes and expression were soft as she watched Haruka work, and the older girl made sure to draw those first, if only to document the moment. But the position wasn't exactly pleasant to hold, and Makoto's expression slowly changed with her discomfort as the hour progressed.

"I'm serious, I can't feel it." Makoto continues, close to whining. She almost sounds like Ran. "And my back hurts, too."

"I'll give you a massage after school." Haruka says, though she's distracted, concentrating on the curl of Makoto's fingers. "Now go back to being the perfect model, please."

Makoto is actually pretty silent for a few precious moments, but it's fleeting. "Wait, do you mean you'll give me an actual massage, or a massage?"

Before she knows what's happening, Haruka is glancing up from her notebook and fixes Makoto with a piercing stare. "Depends. Are you going to sit still for me?"

"That's not fair." Makoto says petulantly, though her body is more stiff than it's been for the past half hour, and Haruka is entirely too pleased with herself.

Things between her and Makoto have been… strange, ever since Makoto caught Haruka right before she would've burned herself after stopping for nearly a week. Haruka isn't sure if she truly needs to worry about anything, for if she doesn't think about it, it feels as if nothing has changed.

But something has changed. She just can't figure out what.

"You'll get a reward either way," Haruka promises, "even if it's just this drawing once I'm done."

Makoto's lips twitch as if she's fighting off a smile. She really is the only one who can tell when Haruka is joking if the blue-eyed swimmer isn't being obvious about it. "I can live with that."

Haruka is about to go back to her drawing when she notices that one of their classmates is watching them. Or more specifically, watching Makoto.

Oftentimes, Haruka forgets her classmates exist. Her attention hardly ever strays from her girlfriend, and Haruka's small world essentially revolves around Makoto, Nagisa, Rei, Rin, and anyone associated with the club.

When she notices anyone outside their circle, it usually isn't a good thing. And when it's a male classmate, historically, Haruka is susceptible to overreacting.

And the awful thing about history is that it tends to repeat itself.

Haruka stares at the boy until he notices her. As she does, she realizes that it's the same one who asked to talk to Makoto before swim practice one day, when Haruka got upset and left her clothes strewn over campus because she was too pissed off to care. When their eyes meet, Haruka feels her expression morph into something especially unpleasant, and her classmate is quick to look away, turning back to his friends.

"Haru." Makoto says, sounding somewhat surprised. Haruka looks back to her only to find that Makoto has dropped her position and is looking at the boy. "What did you do that for?"

"It's rude to stare." Haruka says tonelessly, closing her notebook. She's no longer in the mood to draw anyway.

"It's rude to do what you just did when someone hasn't done anything wrong!"

"He was annoying."

Makoto sighs, and her expression now speaks of true exasperation. "Haru, you don't need to be jealous."

"I'm not." Haruka snaps. Thus far, they've kept their voices relatively quiet, and what with how loud their classmates can be, everything they've been saying has been to each other. But Haruka's voice rises with her temper, and those closest to her glance at their corner curiously before looking away again. "It doesn't even matter, you don't like boys anyway."

"Well." Makoto hesitates. She almost looks surprised. "That's not true."

Haruka blinks. "What?"

Makoto shifts in her seat, pressing her knees together awkwardly as she had the day she asked Haruka to join the swim club. "I do like boys. I just like you more."

"… Oh." Haruka doesn't know why she's so surprised. She shouldn't have assumed Makoto was just like her, but they've never talked about it, and Makoto hasn't shown any interest in the boys in their class before.

But then, Haruka wouldn't know. She spent nearly five years being oblivious to Makoto and everything she did.

"Haru." Makoto says again, leaning forward in her chair to reach across the isle and place her hand on Haruka's knee. She looks nervous, and it upsets Haruka, because her girlfriend has no reason to be. Yet again, she hasn't done anything wrong. "Please don't be mad."

"I'm not." Haruka says. She shouldn't be, but she is, mostly with herself, because she keeps forgetting that she'll be leaving soon.

Makoto doesn't deserve to be left behind while Haruka continues to run from her past. It wouldn't be fair of Haruka to ask her to wait. And it's slowly becoming a possibility in Haruka's mind that Makoto could find someone else while she's gone, someone better, someone who isn't sad and lonely and bitter as Haruka is.

"I – " Haruka starts to tell her, but loses her nerve almost immediately. This isn't the time or the place to tell her girlfriend she's leaving. "I'm fine, Makoto. I'm just being stupid, is all."

"You're really not." Makoto reassures her, squeezing Haruka's pale knee once before pulling her hand away. "But just remember that I love you, okay? Gender doesn't have anything to do with it."

"Okay." Haruka says, though she doesn't think anything could be that easy.

Maybe Makoto loves her now, but she might not always. And while Haruka is off who-knows-where doing who-knows-what, Makoto should have the choice to be with someone who makes her happy, another girl, or perhaps a boy.

Haruka knows gender doesn't have anything to do with it. Makoto could've had her pick out of dozens of potential partners. It's just that she chose the worst one possible.

And Haruka is guilty.


Author's Note: There won't be another huge confrontation between Haru and Makoto again. Haru just lets her thoughts run wild and often jumps to the worst case scenario. And even if Haru doesn't think she deserves it, she's gonna want to spend whatever time she has left with Makoto, I promise you that.