On An Island

Chapter Nine

"If that's moving up then I'm...

Moving out"

-"Movin' out(Anthony's Song)" by Billy Joel

Chapter Nine: If that's moving up...

The morning was crisp, the air still and cool, with hardly a trace of wind. As she walked the path to the caves, finding her way amongst the unfamiliar territory, Kate embraced this, knowing that not every day of weather would spare them like this. Though she had risen early, Kate spent her morning waiting for Jack to come around, only remembering just now where he was. The idea of the caves had completly escaped her throughout the course of the night, even though the shelter and possible warmths of its walls would've proved better than the cool air she struggled to sleep through. Approaching the mouth of the cave, Kate found herself wondering back to her previous inquiries about the caves: how long they had been there, who else had stayed there, and how those people came to be on the island in the first place. How did they even die? The thought sent shivers up her spine, and images of the dead bodies of her and Jack flashed in her head. Would they give up, only to be found- dead- days afterwards? Something about the theory and the death of those two people just shouted irnoy.

First a side room greeted her. Jack was in the back, she could hear him, but something caught her off guard before she could begin to approach him. The coffin that had once sat empty was now torn to bits, the wood and material scattered across the floor in angry shreds. No one had bothered to clean it up, and Kate knew that 'no one' was Jack. She thought back to yesterday, to all that he had said and all that she learned about him. It scared her that there could be so much she still didn't know.

Kate decided to leave it at that; she didn't want to risk him finding her there, walking in on her wondering about him. She could hear the sound of Jack moving around, shuffling bags and cases as he went, before she saw him. For a moment she stood at the opening of the cave, contemplating waiting to let him to notice her, but when he never did, she had to speak up.

"So how was the night?" She asked lightly, trying not to take into account all the moving that Jack was, in fact, doing in here: already he had more than a couple of suitcases stocked up, some, she saw, with medical supplies. Others had basic needs and necessities: soap, towels, bottles of water.

Jack smirked a little.

"No mint on the pillow," he replied with mock seriousness, "no hot water-" he shrugged, straightening himself up to finally face her, "but I lived."

That's what she was afraid of. Looking around at all the stuff Jack had in here, it really did look like his mind was set on staying in this place- possibly with or without her, though something told her that he'd never give up his argument.

"Expecting a party?" She joked. He laughed a little, obviously not that amused.

"Figured it'd be a waste moving everything back and forth everytime it rained," Jack said, shrugging, "just makes sense, you know?"

Doesn't everything, Kate thought bitterly. That was the worst part- everything he was saying about living at the caves did make sense; but there was still a part of her that wanted to stay right where she was, the part that told her that was the right thing to do. She'd always been insecure about trusting her instincts, for they ultimatly landed her right where she was today(though regret was something she also felt unsure about), and this was an especially strong feeling. No more running, not now. And considering her habit of running, it was a wonder she felt so strongly about this. Maybe she had finally found a place where she wanted to stay, somewhere realistic, at least. After all, there was no use running here if there was no one to find her. No one after her, not anymore.

So far...

"Yeah," Kate agreed anyway, voice dropping at the half-hearted comment. Jack looked to her.

"You're not giving me the silent treatment now, are you?" He asked, half-amused.

Kate snorted.

"No."

"Good," Jack said with a smile, which slowly faded as he went on, "my dad did that to me once."

"Really?" This Kate was actually finding amusing herself. "For how long?"

"Two months." He looked up at her in a challenging way, daring her to comment. She kept her mouth shut.

"I've never been loved..."

She had assumed he maybe just had a little too much to drink and was getting his thoughts mixed up. Or maybe he had been making things up in his head to begin with, taking things the wrong way. She couldn't, didn't want to, believe that he was telling the truth. But as she came to learn more about him and observe him, how he did things, his beliefs and determination, a sick feeling was beginning to rouse within her as she realized the possible truth of the comment. Even she couldn't say that for herself, for the most part.

She stayed quiet, unsure of what to say. "I'm sorry" seemed to be in the middle of going unspoken- something mutually understood- sounding like a stupid thing to say at the moment, and even maybe being a little too personal. They were finding out too much about each other too fast- though she was satisfied with the little he really knew about her. But soon it'd get to the point where something would slip, just like the other night, and then all would be lost...it'd be hard to pick back up after a confession like that, if the other even wanted to. So she stayed quiet and let the apology be said silently between them. Jack gave no sign of thanks, only quietly turned back to what he was doing. She sat there, watching him continue to sort through the luggage. One thing she noticed about him was that he liked to keep himself busy. She rarely saw him having any kind of "down time", always working, always moving, no matter how big, how small, or how significant the chore was. He'd just simply go through with it without complaint, working quietly as he busied himself, seeming oblivious to the world around him.

"Have you eaten anything?" It was the one thing she could think to bring up that didn't make herself sound too desperate. Though she liked being at the beach and being alone, she admitted that it got old after awhile. Even on the run she'd always be around people, whether it'd be making her way through a big city or trying to find ways to earn money. Open land, a wide open space of her own, was something she had always dreamed of having, but now that she had it, Kate wasn't sure what to do with it. She was worried that she was taking advantage of her opportunity...one day soon rescue would come and it would all be over- possibly for good, for her.

He ignored her question.

"I don't want to be rude," Jack said honestly, "but I really wanted to get this stuff set up today."

Kate blinked, trying to find an excuse for his sudden coldness, the harsh tone of his words. Had he really been that angry with her about moving off the beach? Maybe she wasn't being angry enough with him about not staying.

"You're the only one here," Kate pointed out, nonetheless.

Jack looked at her blankly, as if what she was saying made no logical sense to him whatsover. She watched him coldly, angrily, waiting for him to say something else. She almost felt betrayed, though she couldn't say why. After all, what was it she had expected of him?

"I'll leave," Kate offered. Once again Jack said no word of thanks, only nodded as he went back to his work. She watched him for a moment, feeling like she was watching someone through a looking glass, a third wheel in a life that really only consisted of two things: her and him. And he wasn't looking back.

She sat on the bed, knees drawn to her chest, watching him. Only the sheets remained on the bed, the comforter, the pillows, and other numerous objects and clothes that seemed to always be piled high onto the furniture gone. Boxes had been stacked around the room, an empty desk propped against the wall, looking bare and sad. Everything about the room seemed sad, and not only because that was what she was exclusivly feeling, which also included all of betrayel, hurt, and even hatred. But above all, aside from those feelings that, for now, still remained within her infamous wall of emotion, was desperation. She didn't want him to go. She wasn't afraid to say it, and she then decided that she would, no matter how immature or desperate it made her sound.

"Do you have to go?" Kate asked quietly, staring the box Tom was packing now. She was supposed to be helping him, or at least that's what she told her parents, but she couldn't bring herself to. At the end of the day, Kate wanted that comfort of knowing she had nothing to do with his depature, his abandonment.

He stopped and looked at her, a picture frame dangling in his hands, a picture of him and his father. Because his mom lived in Texas, Tom and his father were very close, and leaving him was clearly one of Tom's personal regrets about going to med school. She admittedly hoped that she was too.

"You know I have to, Katie," he said, his stare to her almost incredulous. He turned away, shaking his head, making her feel practically ashamed to ask. She watched him some more, waiting. She was almost wanting him to hurry up and be done, so he could be ready to leave, only to realize that he left behind the most important thing: her. But even if he'd let her come along, she wouldn't be able to. She wouldn't abandon her family, as previously done. And she thought that maybe living up to that duty would inspire Tom as well.

It was completly selfish of her, Kate knew, to even want him to stay. Tom had always wanted to go into the medical field, she knew; it was his dream, and this was his chance. He'd been so happy when he received his scholarship and then later his acceptance letter. She'd gone a long with it, acting happy and excited, even thrilled, for him as well. But truthfully she was anything but thrilled. She was terrified. Her friendship with Tom had become more of a dependent relationship- where he was, she was, and when they couldn't be together she'd be desperate to be able to meet up with him again. She hadn't meant for it to be this way, hadn't meant to rely so much on this one person, but her childhood had demanded it, and Tom had accepted the offer. He'd never failed to be there for her, until now. Now he was leaving, and she couldn't help but to wonder if she was part of the reason. Was he sick of her being so clingy, so dependent on him? If only she could get another chance...after all, he'd been the only one she knew who had ever given her second chances.

"When will you be back?" The question slipped out of her with hidden desperation, like a puppy trailing his owner until their last step out the door, trail dropped between its legs and sad eyes staring up with vacant hope. Desperate. She hated how much the word seemed to apply to her. She liked to think of herself as someone who needed to rely only on themselves, and on the outside she appeared that way, but truthfully, it was the very opposite. She had always wanted- needed- that one person or that one place she could always go back to, no matter what, something she could always depend on to be there for her, even though she might not come straight out with a request for help or even just salvation. Tom had become that person. And now he was leaving.

This time when he stopped he faced her. Sitting down what he was packing, he stepped towards her, taking her hands in his. For a long moment she gazed down at their hands intertwined together, feeling sick at the thought. It was like staring into a bucket of murdered dreams.

"We've been planning this for months, Katie," Tom began sympthatetically, "I thought you were okay with it."

He watched her, all of concerned and sympathetic. Ignoring his gaze, she stared to the floor. How many times had she been in this room? How many times had she snuck over here when she was supposed to be in her own room or came here directly from school, never going home until long after dark? How many times had they eaten snacks in here or debated over which state they'd move to when they'd grow up? How many of their dreams would be broken, crushed, by cruel reality?

"I was." She hesitated. She hated having to admit that she did really want him to say, to completely give into her desperation. But if she didn't, she didn't know what she'd do. She didn't know if she could adapt to this change, to learn to live differently. "It's just-" she looked up at him, hoping he'd understand without her having to herself. Explaining her emotions was something she had never been good at, because, to her, appearing weak was like failure to herself. She had to be strong, for herself, and for certain other people that were close to her. And if she wasn't successful...that wouldn't be good. "I can't."

Her eyes dug into his, fighting tears. Even when completely broken she still tried to maintain that strength. The least it could provide her was a sense of hope, of recovery. But she wasn't so sure her theory would work now. Her whole life felt like one constant drama...simple events placing themselves one after the other, though simple didn't always mean happy. As far as change went, her life was pretty simple, as year after year grew even more simular. The only problem was that as she grew older, things began to become clearer to her. Bad things never seemed to make sense to her when she was younger, and eventually she just accepted them as a part of her life. But as years passed and as anticipation for answers grew, Kate began realizing more and more that there were no answers. And that's what bothered her most. Because without knowing why these bad things happened, she couldn't know how to stop them. She needed that clarification, that explination of why it was this life that was chosen for her. But as time and memory became one, everything just played itself in one blur of film. There was no rhyme or reason, it just happened.

"I'm not running out on you," Tom said. She stared up at him but didn't reply. It certainly didn't look that way, but Kate found herself interested in what other excuses he had. "Really, I love you."

She cringed, disgusted by the words. She felt like they had no meaning right now, that they were simply a comment of pity.

"If you loved me you'd stay," Kate replied quietly.

Furrowing his eyebrows, Tom lowered himself to the bed, face softening as he did. Her eyes automatically trailed to follow him, hopeful in this sign of prevention: she was preventing him from leaving so soon...any possible attempt to make him stay could, in a perfect world, change his mind.

"I went out there and..." he trailed off, his face suddenly taking a whole new light: awe. His own desperate need showed off then, a need for change. He went out there and he was in awe at what he found, at what he had been missing out on his whole life. And what he found didn't include her. She was in awe herself that this was possible, that their whole life could've been played out differently: he could've never even known her and he would've turned out just as happy. It not only awed her, it scared her. "I found something-" his hands found hers again, his fingers squeezing hers with each word of excitement- "I've got to do something with myself...living here, it's just-" he shook his head, searching for the right word, "a dream. I learned that out there." Wherever 'out there' was, she was already hating it.

Now more than ever she wanted to cry. There was just so much hurt that came with his confession, so much betrayel. To think that they didn't even matter...their dreams, their plans. And there had been plans. All of this mattered to her more than anything, it was everything to her. It was the only hope she had.

"We talked about this," Tom reminded her, though he didn't need to. She remembered the memory so well...at first she had been so shocked that she had been stunned into silence. Maybe she had been too good of an actress afterward, because Tom had to of misinterpreted her reaction. She was not fine with this. How could she be? How could he expect her to be? Anger began to rush through her blood, and Kate was sure that at any moment she would explode, let it all come out. Throw back at him everything that she was feeling- the hurt, the anger, the betrayel. Let him see it and feel guilty. Again it was selfish, but again she was more infuriated, more hurt, than she ever knew to be. Well, except maybe once... "What's different about this now?"

Besides the fact that now he was actually leaving, there was, believe it or not, a perfectly good explination for her "sudden change in heart". A big one. One that may be her final opportunity to change his mind. Her weapon of defense...yet it was also something that could tear them apart. It was perfectly capable of changing their lives forever and not necessarily in good ways. But no matter what the result was, she knew that, eventually, she'd have to tell him. It was only fair.

Her eyes diverted to the mattress they were sitting on, attempting to hide themselves from his gaze. She took a deep breath and then spoke:

"I took a pregnancy test."

Quickly her gaze shot back up to him, anxious for a reaction. She didn't breathe, didn't speak. She just waited.

A hand dropped from hers. Then another. Her eyes fell to her now empty palms, searching for explination there. What did this mean? Was he angry? Dissapointed? Still she waited and no response came. He was too in awe, but not because of the opportunity this brought or the change it would require. This was the start of the many silly versions of their future, the plans made of getting married and having kids even before Tom's voice began to change. It had all be just for fun, for the jokes, but now it was becoming real. Everything was becoming real. Maybe Tom was right, this had been just a dream. And now it was time for her to wake up.

When he never answered, she decided to ease his conscience:

"It was negative," she assured him, forcing relieved emotion through her voice. So much emotion was flowing through her that it was beginning to build up, forming mounds and walls of anticipation and fear.

This time, Tom let out a sigh of relief. His arms flew around her then, and she heard him laugh in her ear. She didn't return the hug. She didn't laugh. He pulled away, and upon seeing her still form his face contorted apologetically.

"This isn't the right time," Tom explained. She nodded but only half-heartly. Of course this wasn't the time. This was his time for change, not for her.

Silence loomed over their conversation, over the bags packed and the memories stored away. Outside the air was still, painting a picture of dreams that once lay beyond the room's single window: a whole world devoted to only him and her. What would come out of it, now that he would be gone? There wasn't another neighbor for miles, and Tom's dad wasn't exactly the come-over-for-lunch type of person.

"My bus leaves in an hour," Tom reminded her quietly, relucantly. His voice soft, his own relucance finally began to show. She realized it was a great relief to her to see that this wasn't coming so easily to him. Despite her current feelings, Kate knew Tom and knew that he hated leaving her at a time like this, after a confession like that. But it had to be done. Apparently there was no turning down a practically free ride scholarship to med school. He hesitated before speaking up again. "If anything happens, you know-" he cleared his throat. Tom had always hated the conditions she lived under, and he also hated that she would refuse anyone's help but his. There was just so much trust required for that and so much risk involved. Kate wasn't sure if she could depend on either. "You can always go to my dad. You know that." He looked up at her, eyes trying to meet hers. She never returned the gaze. "Promise me you will." She didn't. She couldn't. "Kate..."

He trailed off, assumingly knowing it was a hopeless case. He hated it, she could see, but finally they were on the same page again. Her eyes bore into the matress of the bed, ignoring his request. As silence lingered on, he eventually gave in. Wrapping his arms around her, he embraced her tightly. He really did care about her, that she could admit she knew, and he might of even hated this just as much as she did. She could feel him breathing heavily, as though savoring every emotion, every scent, every passing second of that moment, as she held him back. If this had to happen, she wasn't just going to throw away a chance to say good-bye. She at least deserved that. The moment drew on and they still hadn't parted. They were losing track of time, she knew, and without much planning, Kate made a choice not to remind him to go. She didn't want to help him leave. She didn't want this moment to end. She wanted to savor it, everything about it, letting everything record itself in her mind in snapshots and frames of memory. Of course, it would've been better if she could've just had this moment forever, if he didn't have to go. On the verge of tears, Kate took in a last breath of the moment, holding on until she had to let go, leaving it to just become another brush of that painting.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tom did go. That was hours ago, before it became so cool outside. Crossing the field that lay between her and Tom's house, providing the perfect dreamscape for a day of adventure or just lounging in the sun, Kate clutched her bag tightly to her. She grew accustomed to bringing the backpack with her everywhere she went and not just because Tom gave it to her. Looking around, double checking for intruders, Kate slipped away into a small cluster of trees. The perfect hiding space. She knelt to the ground, pausing before unzipping the bag. She remembered running here once, the furthest she could reach to consider herself running away. During her escapade Kate realized she liked the term, and it was an idea that never left her, no matter how close her and Tom had come. He would always be apart of her plan too. While Tom was off wishful-thinking himself into a fantasy of having a home and kids and a pool table in the garage, she was dreaming of just leaving. Just being away. Tom had been the one to find her that day, though she was proud of the time it took to discover her hiding place. After that, he silently agreed to leave the land to her, never once stepping foot into it again. They had their own hiding places, but Kate also grew to need a place of her own to hide. An easy escaped.

Finally she opened the very front pocket of her bag. It had been a disgusing thing to do, she knew, but she didn't know where else to put the test. If Tom's dad had found it, he would've probably shift him off to the army, sending him as far away from Kate as possible. There wouldn't of even been an opportunity for Tom to change his mind. But if one of her parents found it, the consequences could've been even worse, even if it would've only been her father going off, shouting things that made her grateful for the open space around them, making it nearly impossible for any arguing to be overheard. So she'd wrapped the test carefully, placing it back in the box. Even if movement had disrupted the results of the test, the answer was still clear in Kate's mind. She hadn't been able to tell him, even if there was a slight chance he could've stayed. Who knew, maybe Tom's dad would've forced him to stay here, to deal with these consequences.

As she unwrapped the test, Kate's eyes fell on the answer that was still true to before, the one that would change her life forever. She couldn't even imagine dealing with this. She didn't know who to tell, what to do.

But the one thing she had to face was that the test was, without a doubt, positive.

Author's Notes: So when thinking of this story, consider everything that's been found on the island: people, places, things. Consider things that have happened to them- everyone. And that will get you through the next few chapters. Thanks so much for the reviews!

Thanks again...

Until next time...

October Sky