Author's note: No time to write a really lengthy note this time since it's way too late for me. I just want to wish you all a great 2008 and I hope that you all stick to this story. Title and lyrics are from the Red Hot Chili Peppers-song 'Hey' (which I know you love Michaela). Much Love.
-
CHAPTER 9 – I guess I oughta walk away
-
Won't
somebody come along
and teach me how to keep it alive
To
survive
Come along and show me something
that I never knew
in your eyes
Take away the tourniquet
-
The New Brunswick airport is so much smaller than Brooke remembers. Compared to JFK, La Guardia, LAX and all the other big airports she's flown through the last couple of years, it almost seems a little pathetic. But in a way, it's smallness contributes the strange but safe feeling that being home gives her, and as she stands waiting for her luggage she realizes that she doesn't even need her sunglasses. Maybe it's just luck, but people honestly don't seem to recognize her here.
It takes less then an hour to get her bags, find a cab and get to the hotel. Yet when she walks into the penthouse suite she feels totally exhausted. She's been tense like a violin-string, worried that she'll just bump into someone that she knows. And it's not as if she's trying to hide, she guesses that Karen has told everyone that she'll be here today.
"I just wanted to tell you that the money is being transferred as we speak. It should be on your account by the evening."
"That's great hun, when can we expect you home?"
"Monday morning. It's going to be so nice to see you Karen."
"Can I tell Lucas that you're coming then?"
"Do what you feel is best…"
It's not that she wants to hide. She just needs to mentally prepare a bit first.
The room is nice and she spends another hour with having room-service breakfast and with unpacking. She should probably catch up on some sleep as well but she's much too wired for that. She also needs to get in touch with the office, because she hasn't checked in for over a week. It's just that she knows that when Rachel finds out that she's down here all hell will break loose and she's not ready for that yet. But she figures that within the next couple of days, someone in finance will realize that there's a huge amount of money transferred to a certain Ms Karen Roe and when that happens, Rachel will find out either way.
So instead of worrying she decides to take a walk. Maybe take a look around town for some inspiration on how to remodel the café and find a new place to have coffee.
But before she goes she does what Rachel's taught her to do at every hotel. She calls down to the reception desk and explains the value of her privacy and how she will reward the crew if that privacy remains kept. She really doesn't want press here.
It's enough to handle all the present demons of her past.
-
"She's coming home today, isn't she?"
They're just finishing up lunch at the Scott beach house and Lucas helps Haley to clear the table as Nathan and Lindsey small-talks. They've all kept away from the subject of Brooke's pending return but apparently Haley is tired of faking it, because she asks the question in a straight forward way that leaves no room for squirming.
"Yeah, according to mom she's landed already. She was supposed to come with the 9 am flight."
Haley smiles, and he can tell that she's much more exited than she lets on. He understands why, Brooke hasn't been to Tree Hill in over three years, but he can't make himself return the smile.
"I'm sorry Hales… I know you look forward to seeing her. I just don't want to talk about her. I'm over her and it just feels like she's coming home to stir shit up. Plus, I don't like that she's making a clothing store out of mom's café…"
And he really doesn't. But most of all he scared that seeing Brooke will change everything. Even if he hardly wants to admit this, even to himself.
Haley just sighs and puts the last plates in the dishwasher. James runs between the kitchen and the living room and when he comes running the forth time, Haley grabs him.
"Hey mister, what have I told you about running indoors, huh?"
"No running unless it's a fire or we're really late."
"That's right. And is the house burning?"
The little boy shakes his head seriously. "No."
"And are we late?" Haley asks with a meaning expression.
This time James nods and Haley raises an eyebrow. "Oh, really? Late to where?"
"To see auntie Brooke. Uncle Lucas said she came at nine. I asked daddy and it's past twelve now. We're really late mom. Really, really late…"
He can't help but smile at the way his nephew arguments his case. Sometimes he seems so much older than Lily even though they're born on the same day. But it pains him that the almost 4-year old seem to have really missed his godmother, and that he seems to know her pretty well. It pains him because it tells him that Haley, Nathan and James must have seen Brooke more than once since the accident.
James crawls up into his lap and pulls his cheeks out to create a funny face. Then he laughs.
"You look funny Uncle Luke. Are you gonna come see Aunt Brooke as well?"
He shakes his head, unable to talk since his face is stretched out to the limit, and when James finally lets go of his skin he says,
"No, Lindsey and I are going home. You get to go with mommy, after you've dropped off daddy at the airport."
Haley watches him silently, leaned against the kitchen counter. Her face is somewhat worried and he feels a little annoyed. It irritates him that they all seem to pity him. Looking at him as if he is a small child that is too vulnerable to be told the truth. And when James jumps down on the floor again and runs back to living room, he looks at her sternly.
"Stop looking at me like that Hales. I just don't want to see her."
"But you haven't talked to her in almost a year and a half Lucas. I still don't know what happened between you, since you don't want to talk about it but I…"
He puts his hand up to stop her.
"I still don't. What happened between me and Brooke is a closed chapter. Just leave it alone, okay?"
"But I…"
"No, Haley."
He stands up from the chair and then calls for Lindsey that it's time for them to leave. She answers "Okay" from inside the living room and he looks at Haley one last time.
"Go see her. Have fun, catch up and let James get reacquainted with her. But don't talk about me. And don't try and force me to see her. I'm serious Haley."
His childhood friend looks disappointed but she nods. Lindsey comes out into the kitchen and thanks Haley for a delicious lunch before offering her a hug good bye. He does the same, but the hug feels stiff. And then they leave.
They've walked to Haley's and Nathan's place and for a while he contemplates taking a cab back, but Lindsey intertwines her fingers with his and smiles.
"It's beautiful outside" she says and leans her head onto his shoulder. "Let's go down to the river."
"Sure" he answers, already feeling the irritation roll off him. "We can get coffee on the way there…"
I
used to be so full of my confidence,
I used to know just what I
wanted and just where to go.
More than ever I could use a
coincidence,
But now I walk alone and talk about it when I know.
-
It's a nice day. Not cold but fresh, and the sun is shining from clear skies. Brooke has taken the long route, passing her old home, Rachel's parents mansion and Nathan's childhood house. She's stayed clear of the bigger streets, not wanting to be recognized, but she's gone by the old high school.
The building seemed so much smaller then she remembered it, but then again all of Tree Hill seems smaller. After two years of being surrounded by endless skyscrapers her sense of proportions must have been altered.
After walking the schoolyard for a while and standing outside of the gymnasium thinking of past times, she heads towards the River Court-park.
She thinks that if she can handle that without feeling sad, she'll be ready to go see Haley and Nathan. The River court has a special place in her heart, and it holds so many memories…
As she gets closer she can actually feel herself holding her breath. This exact path was where she walked with Lucas the morning after they got together the second time and he had just told her that he loved her. And in the little opening behind the trees on the left side, that's where Nathan had found them halfnaked making out, and claimed that he would be forever scared by the sight.
Then she reaches the basketball court and she's happy to see that it hasn't changed. It's still the same square of tarmac, and it still has the faded drawings on it where they all signed their names four years ago. The picnic table is still there too and she smiles when she sees that a couple is sitting on it.
Just like Lucas and I used to do, she thinks and walks a little closer.
And that's when she realizes that the guy sitting with his arm draped around the girl, is Lucas.
She guesses that she should just walk away. Meeting Lucas like this is not what she has planned. She's been hoping that maybe, after settling in a bit, she could call him on the phone and ask if hewanted to meet her. She had never planned on just bumping into him like this. So she turns and starts walking back along the park-path, but then his voice stops her.
"Brooke?"
She freezes in the middle of her step and hesitantly turns. She can't decide if she's glad that he's spotted her or if she really wanted to just slip away unnoticed.
With concentration on keeping her voice from shaking she looks up and says "Hi… Lucas."
The blond girl at Lucas' side looks at her curiously and she looks back for a second before turning her eyes to the blond boy that she's been avoiding for so long. He looks like he's seeing a ghost, but he's still holding the other girl's hand and the picture is like a sharp knife twisting her insides.
"Long time no see," she says, forcing herself to sound casual and nonchalant, and he slowly nods. "How've you been?"
"Good. And you?"
She hears their emotionless exchange of words as from the outside and it sounds like they are distant business acquaintances, not ex-lovers with a history longer than time itself.
"Fine. Busy and such… but good."
There's so much she wants to say. But Lucas' face is cold and emotionless and she doesn't know how or where to start.
He looks so different, yet so much like the Lucas she knew before, and when he squints at her she has to look away. Because looking at him actually hurts.
The girl at Lucas' side clears her throat and he turns his head in surprise and looks at her as if he's totally forgotten that she's there.
"Uhm… Brooke, this is Lindsey… my girlfriend…"
The knife twists even deeper.
"Oh… hi…" Her brain forces her to extend her right hand and shake the outstretched hand of the blonde. "Nice to meet you. I'm Brooke Davis."
"I know."
Tension is thick and the conversation kind of stops there. There's nothing to say and the silence makes it even more evident that so much time has passed. Finally she manages to tear her eyes from his and she pretends to look at her watch.
"Well, I really have to go. But again, nice meeting you."
The blonde girl, Lindsey, just nods, and Lucas stays silent too.
Then she turns and walks back the way she came from, and as she does she can feel two pairs of eyes following her. Although she really just cares about one.
Without even knowing how, she makes it back to the hotel. She walks in a daze, and if it wasn't for the fact that she's grown up in this town, she's pretty sure that she wouldn't have found her way.
When she gets into the lobby she's suddenly aware of all the people around her and even though she's used to the crowded streets of New York city, she feels her throat closing up and her chest tightening as if she's about to have a panic-attack.
The elevator ride seems to take hours and then, with seconds to spare, she makes it into her hotel-suite's adjoining bathroom and just about gets the lid to the toilet open, before she throws up and empties her stomach's contents of both airplane and hotel breakfast.
Five minutes later she's still dry heaving and it's more than evident;
If this is her reaction to seeing her blond ex-boyfriend for just a couple of minutes, then she's clearly NOT over Lucas Scott…
She slides down on the cold clinkered floor and leans her head to the wall. Lucas has a life. He has moved on and he has a girlfriend. She had known this, but it's not until now that she realizes that it's true.
Still, there are no tears.
---
It's a very quiet afternoon between Lucas and Lindsey. She pouts and he reassures her that he's over Brooke but she keeps mumbling stuff like "I still wonder how you think I'll ever be able to compete with someone like her?" or "Nice of you to forget I was there…"
And he tries to tell her that that wasn't the case, he really does, but she doesn't even seem to want to hear it. Of course it was weird to see Brooke, she had been so distant and 'cold'. And on top of this it's really tiresome to keep up the happy face and to not just scream out in frustration over Lindsey's insecurities. He hasn't asked Brooke to come back. He doesn't want her here more than Lindsey does, but he can't tell her to leave since that means that he has to have a real conversation with her, and for now that's pretty much out of the question.
Finally he gets tired of trying to sweet-talk Lindsey and goes into his study. He wants to be alone for a while and he figures that his girlfriend just needs to cool off a bit. This is weird for her as well, especially since she doesn't know why he feels so awkward around his ex. So he stays in there and does his best to not think of brunettes with scars. And when he comes back out an hour later Lindsey has gone home.
He spends a couple of hours on his porch, reading and trying to just forget about the morning's events, but it's hard when sitting alone, so after calling Haley without getting an answer, he drives by the flourist and picks up a bouquet of flowers before going to Lindsey's apartment.
She looks happy to see him and he silently mumbles that he doesn't want to argue but could they please just pretend like the morning never happened? She says "Alright" and pulls him in for a kiss. And he closes his eyes and relishes the feeling of 'normal'.
He had known that seeing Brooke would be awkward, but it would get better with time…
He just has to stay clear of her. She'd leave soon anyway.
---
A couple of days pass.
Brooke makes sure that she doesn't run into Lucas again but spends a lot of time with Haley and James, reacquainting herself with her amazing little godson. And she visits Karen and Lily of course.
It's weird to hang out in Lucas' old childhood home and maybe Karen understands that, because the woman that's been such a role-model for her often offers to meet at more neutral places and she never brings up his name. Lily does a couple of times, but she's just a little kid and she doesn't know about the past.
She even has lunch with the six months along pregnant Bevin, who's the only one that doesn't seem to realize that she has been practically missing for over a year. Then again, Bevin was never the one to analyze things.
Today is the day when she's going to get the keys to the café from Karen but it's not until three o'clock. Haley is at work and James at preschool so she decides to have a day for herself and to go down to the hotel gym before having nice lunch down in the restaurant. She has of course had her usual run every morning but today she's going for the whole nine yards with a complete work-out, a couple of laps in the pool and maybe even a massage.
The hotel is a lot nicer than she's thought it would be. She had thought that a little town like Tree Hill wouldn't think so much on keeping standards for people with money, but it seemed like the richer part of town was branching out. Her suite is excellent and so is the bar and restaurant, but she had still been shocked to see the fancy recreation area the second morning. It's almost as nice as the gym she uses back in New York.
She still hasn't talked to Rachel. It's been twenty-two days since she left New York, almost five days since she left Cabo, and right now her office has no idea where she is. Neither does the media, or her mother. She has e-mailed both Philip and Rachel, checking in on figures and deadlines and letting them know she's alive, but she hasn't told them where to find her.
Philip answered her questions right away, without asking any in return. Rachel's response had been one sentence long: When in the hell are you coming back?
She misses the redhead too.
She undresses in the sparsely furnished locker-room and heads out into the gym's reception area. Finds a personal trainer, who must be gay because he instantly recognizes her and starts throwing compliment after compliment at her fall-line instead of checking out her cleavage or ass, and she tells him what she needs.
"But we don't usually play music in the gym Miss Davis…"
"Well could you? For me?"
She leans her head a bit to the side and bats her eyelashes, and he nods quickly. Maybe the guy wasn't gay after all.
"Of course. No problem Miss Davis. Is there a certain type of music you want to hear?"
"I'd go for some Justin Timberlake."
"Sure. Anything else?"
She looks around and is just about to say that she'll be perfectly fine and that he has done more than enough already, when she sees a dark head of hair over by the weight-lifting bench.
"Actually" she says and smiles, "could you ask that hot guy over there if he minds spotting me while I lift?"
Now the trainer-guy seems a little embarrassed.
"Euhm… I'm sorry, we're not supposed to bother him. He pays for privacy, just like you."
"Just ask him?"
She pouts her lips a little, using her old high school antics, and this time the guy looks down her cleavage. Check. Not gay, probably just a hardcore fashion-victim.
"Okay…"
She watches him walk over and say something to the other guy who looks thoroughly annoyed up until he turns to see who's disturbing him. And then Nathan breaks out in a wide smile.
"Brooke, you sneak!"
"Nathan Scott, you major hunk! Look at those freaking biceps!"
Nathan laughs and walks over to give her a hug and she gratefully hugs him back.
"It's been a while Baby-cakes. Not since the Knicks-game, right? Haley said you looked really well and you do. Tanned, healthy…"
"Thanks Nate."
They smalltalk while they both set up new weights and in a way it feels like in high school when the cheerleaders shared weight-room with the basketball team. Nathan used to spot her, at least until she fell for his brother and used the time usually spent in the gym to do totally different activities.
"So how was the game?" she asks to think of something else and Nathan shrugs.
"Alright. We won with 11 points so were in the top four."
"Hence the extra work-out in my hotel?"
She raises an eyebrow and he laughs. "Your hotel? Gee Brookie, you must be much more loaded than I thought…"
She giggles "Shut up" and he laughs, explaining that since the team has gym-time two times a day and he doesn't want to travel that far just for weight-lifting and cardio, his coach lets him practise in Tree Hill every other week. And since the gym in her hotel is the best one in town, he pays to be able to use it whenever he wants.
She picks up the 10-pound weights and Nathan angles her elbow a little. She doesn't comment it, just follows his instructions, before she curls her arm. What not many people know, unless it's Haley or Rachel, is that Nathan had been the one to get her to do rehabilitation in the first place and she trusts him completely.
When she had refused to let the hospitals physical-trainer even so much as touch her knee, Rachel had called Haley who in turn had talked to Nathan, and when nothing else worked Nathan had simply gone back up to New York and forced her to get off her ass.
She hated him then, when he practically lifted her out of bed for two weeks straight and forced her to do the exercises she needed, but she loves him now. Because if it hadn't been for him, her knee would probably still not have healed. And it's more than that. Haley is one of her best friends, but Haley's been stuck in the loyalty-trap between her and a certain blonde boy, making it impossible to really be close during the last 18 months.
But Nathan had never been one for 'sides' and he had simply informed her one of those mornings during their rehabilitation-boot camp, when she didn't want to get out of bed, that she was stuck with him.
"I don't care what happened between you and Luke" he had said. "but you're not getting rid of me or Haley and James that easily…"
And he had kept to that. Every time he had a game close to New York, or in city where she had a fashion show, he took time to see her. Sometimes he came alone and sometimes he brought Haley and James. After Rachel, he's probably the one that's seen her most.
"I've missed you" she says sincerely when he bends down and grabs his own weights, and he looks up at her and smiles his signature crooked smile.
"Right back at you Missy, it's damn good to have you back."
-
Lucas pulls the covers up over Lily and strokes some of her dark messy hair from her face. Her thumb is securely stuck in her mouth and she looks like an angel with her rosy cheeks.
She must be exhausted, he thinks as he flicks the light off and tiptoes out of the room. Three hours of running around like crazy would knock out even an athlete. And just as he's about to slide the door shut, she kicks her little energetic legs until she's freed them from his thorough 'tucking in' and instead flings one pyjama-clad foot into the air.
He stiffens a laugh. God, she even slept like a tiny cheerleader.
His mother is in her bedroom packing and he walks in and leans against the doorpost.
"She's sleeping now."
"Thanks Lucas. You're a gem. I've gotten so many things done this morning."
She smiles and folds a couple more of Lily's small dresses. "Hopefully she'll take a long nap. If she does, I might be able to get all the laundry done too."
He nods affirmatively. "Well, if you don't need me to watch her more, then I'll just head down and pick Nathan up a little sooner than planned…"
His mother's smile fades and she looks a little sad.
"Lucas… are you going to stay mad at me forever? Lily and I are going to be gone for almost five months. I don't want to do this trip knowing that you're at home feeling hurt and angry…"
He shrugs. It might be childish, but he still feels betrayed that she went behind his back. The way she had stayed in contact with Brooke and the way she sold off the café without talking to him. Now that he knows she's talked to Brooke over the months, there are so many things to analyse and mull over. Did she know the whole story? Did she know about how Brooke had closed him out? Did she know that Brooke had expected another man's child while he hoped for a life with her?
Most of all, did she know that he had spent months wishing that the baby Brooke lost had been his?
The answer is probably 'no' on all of the above. His mother had probably not even known that Brooke was pregnant.
"I'm not angry mom…" he mumbles and pulls a hand through his hair. "I just… it's not so easy to just get used to having her here… I just feel like you could have given me more of a warning."
Karen puts down the item she's holding and walks a little closer.
"I told you beforehand sweetie. It was short notice, I know that, but I had to respect her wishes too."
"Yeah, I guess…"
He forces a smile and gives his mother a hug. There's no use arguing. She'll never understand why he's feeling the way he does.
"I love you, my boy" she says and touches his cheek.
"I love you to mom."
I don't wanna have to, but I will,
If that's what I'm supposed to do.
We don't wanna set up for the kill,
But that's what I'm about to do.
-
Brooke stretches her arms over her head and makes a whimpering sound. Her whole body feels tortured. Every muscle pulled and twisted to the limit. But Nathan laughs and throws her a towel.
"You're such a pussy Brooke."
"I am not!"
She sends him a faked death-glare and he laughs louder.
"You are too! But I have to give it you Brooke, you've worked out since we were last in a gym together. Look, you even have triceps."
He squeezes her upper arm and she swats him away, laughing too now.
"Cut it out Nate!"
He tickles her a little and she's too tired to defend herself, ending up in a laughing pile on the floor. Nathan rolls his eyes.
"As I said… you're such a wimp. Now go hit the showers and let me finish. I have to go meet the big brother for lunch."
He helps her up from the floor, still with a huge smile on his face, but hers is long gone by the sound of his last words. Lucas.
"Thanks for the work out" she mumbles and gives him a sweaty hug. "And have fun with… uhm…"
"Luke?"
"Yeah…"
It's still weird to say his name. It still gets caught halfway up in her throat as if it's somehow stuck to her heart in a too short string. And just when she's about to pull out of the hug he pulls her back in and squeezes her brotherly.
"Hey, cheer up B, it's gonna be alright."
Nathan's voice is deep and warm and she usually trusts him when he sounds like this. This was the voice he used when he coaxed her out of bed for knee-practise, and the voice he used when he tried to persuade Haley that they should have another kid.
But this time she doesn't believe him.
"I'm going down to the pool" she instead says faintly. "I'll see you later Nate."
She knows that if she'd look back at him when walking towards the locker room, he would look at her with disappointment.
He thinks she should be stronger than this. He's told her countless times.
But she's not.
-
Lucas pushes the door to Tree Hill's nicest hotel open and strolls into the lobby. He's early, he's not supposed to meet Nathan in another thirty minutes, but he'll rather sit here and wait instead of pacing around at his mom's house.
He hasn't been in here before and he's surprised to see how luxurious it is. Not the typical Tree Hill feeling at all. It looks modern, elegant and expensive, not at all as if it's located in the center of a small town in North Carolina. More like the fancy hotel where his book-release had been held in New York.
"Excuse me…" he says as he walks up to the huge curved reception desk. "Where is the gym?"
The girl behind the counter looks up and smiles politely. "It's through those doors and down the stairs. But it's only for our guests."
"I'm not using it, I'm here to meet someone."
She nods. "Alright."
He keeps walking while looking at the arts on the walls and the magnificent garden through the big glass terrace. He heads through the doors pointed out for him and continues down the stairs, but instead of ending up in the gym as he's expected, he seems to be by the indoor pool.
"Wow…" he mutters and looks around. Jamie would love this place. It even has a waterslide.
Lost in thoughts, he walks around the pool over to the left side. And that's when he sees her. Brooke.
She's in the Jacuzzi, hot bubbly water up to her mid-chest and elbows rested against the edge. Her hair is collected in a sloppy bun on the top of her head and loose strands fall like ringlets around her face.
She looks beautiful.
She looks sexy.
But she's not real. She's not the girl he had once been so in love with. That Brooke was gone. And he's still trying to figure out how to act towards this 'new version'.
She hasn't seen him yet and he stands still and wonders if he should just backtrack silently and escape before she turns around, but he realizes it would be childish. He's over her and he should be able to handle a civil conversation.
So instead he clears his throat and her head turns.
Her gorgeous green eyes meet his and he waits for the pain. The heartache he's feared. But there is nothing.
He feels nothing.
"Hi Brooke."
She looks embarrassed.
"Oh… uhm… Hi Lucas… What are you doing here?"
She sits up, and by doing so reveals more perfectly tanned skin and an olive green halter bikini. She looks thinner, more athletic, and it adds on to the feeling of this not being the same girl. Makes it easier.
But that doesn't mean that she's less tempting to look at.
"I'm here to pick up Nathan. I could ask you the same, but I guess you live here…" he laughs a little. "I should have thought of that. It is a hotel fit for a princess…"
She doesn't answer. She just looks back at him and her forehead creases a little.
"You used to call me that…" she mumbles and he nods.
"Yeah, a long time ago."
She steps out of the pool and grabs her robe, quickly wrapping it around herself. His eyes rake over her body quietly before resting on her face.
"So still into the whole Jacuzzi-thing?" he asks and tries to not think of all the memories that her almost naked body awakes in his mind. Things he had done in a similar hot-tub with the Brooke from the past.
She doesn't answer and he guesses that he really didn't expect her too either. What would she answer? Yes? It's not like his aversion to hot-tubs is normal. It's not like she knows that he hasn't stepped into one since high school.
She mumbles something about being sorry for just turning up like this, but he can't concentrate on her voice. The deep cleavage of the robe shows off her tanned skin and he has to force his eyes not to look at her long slender legs.
Finally he gathers his senses enough to realize that he can't just stand there.
"Well, I've got to go" he says, sounding surprisingly calm and cold, and the feeling of not really knowing this brunette lingers. She nods silently and for a second he thinks that she looks sad. But it's of course just an illusion. His presence doesn't bother her.
But just when he's about to leave, he turns towards her again. He has to ask.
"Why didn't you ever call?"
For a second her gaze turns to the clinkered floor. Her chest heaves as if she's taking a deep breath, and then she looks up again. Her eyes are blank and it confuses him. Brooke's eyes have always been the mirror to her soul. The easiest way to read her.
"Why didn't you come back?" she mumbles, answering his question with a new one.
He looks back at her, feeling totally perplexed. It's the last question that he ever thought he'd hear from her and the only question simple enough to create a small crack in his walls. Why didn't he?
There's a sudden stabbing pain in the area of his heart, but it passes quickly.
"What? What do you mean Brooke?"
Right then Nathan calls his name from the pool area-entrance and he looses focus for a second while turning towards the sound of his brother's voice.
When he turns back, Brooke has left.
You used to be so warm and affectionate.
All the little things I used to hear my fairy say,
But now you're quick to get into your regret.
I'll take the fall and now you got to give it all away.
--
"So how does it feel to be back?"
This is the hard question and Brooke ponders it as she waits for Haley to grab her take away-coffee from the guy behind the counter. She wants to be able to tell her friend that it's all roses and rainbows. That it's great to be back and that she never wants to leave. But that would be lying and she's not that keen on lying to her old friend. She could be honest and say that although it's wonderful to get away from work and amazing to hang out with her, Nathan and James, it's still very hard to always wonder when she'll bump into Lucas next.
But if she goes for the second alternative she knows that Haley will start a new round of their old 'why can't you tell me what really happened?'-conversations and she doesn't want that. Seeing Lucas in her own hotel earlier had been awkward enough to make her slip up. If it hadn't been for Nathan's sudden surfacing she would have had to hear his answer, and seeing that he had moved on was enough to crush her. She doesn't need to hear him say it to her face.
It had been a momentarily laps of judgment and she's not going to slip up in front of him again. And she's not going to do it in front of Haley either.
So se shrugs.
"It's very different from New York…"
Haley gives her a curious look.
"Of course it is. You're a celebrity there, and your schedule is insane. Tree Hill is just a tiny dot on the map that most people haven't even heard of."
Haley says this as if her life in New York is a good thing. As if she wants to be recognized everywhere and followed around by media. And frankly she doesn't.
"But you love this 'little dot', right tutor-girl?" she asks and sips the hot espresso macchiato, "You and Nathan wouldn't commute the way you're doing if you didn't."
"I do."
Haley smiles softly and she feels that evil tug at her heart again. She wants to feel that way too. To feel at home somewhere. To have her own 'dot'.
"I wish I knew how that felt…" she whispers. "But I really don't…"
--
James swings himself up into the jungle gym and waves to them, and Lucas and Nathan both smile back. Haley had dropped the little boy off an hour ago to go have lunch with a friend and since Nathan was wiped out from lifting in the gym and he himself for some reason felt emotionally drained, they had driven over to the playground by the river to let James run off some of his energy.
"He's getting so big Nathan. I can't believe it was almost four years ago that I held him in the hospital, right after he was born."
His brother looks at him before proudly returning his gaze to his son. "Actually Brooke held him before you did… You were with your mom, remember?"
He frowns. Here he goes again, talking about Brooke even though there was no need what so ever. Of course he knows that Brooke held James first. How could he forget? When he came into that hospital-room after making sure that his mom and Lily were alright, the first sight that met him was Brooke sitting in the chair next to Haley, holding Jamie as if he was the most precious thing in the universe. She was crying and she kept repeating the words; 'he is so small'.
Of course he remembers that Brooke was the first to hold the baby since that moment was the first time he really regretted getting together with Peyton.
He had looked at Brooke before that day and felt unsure, especially when he saw her with Chase, but that afternoon, the afternoon of their graduation when Brooke held their godson, his heart felt torn. And for the first time he wanted to go back in time.
Brooke had left for California just a couple of weeks after that and he never really had the chance to ponder whether or not he had made the right choice when choosing Peyton. Not until he met Brooke again two and a half years later and…
No. Ban the forbidden thoughts.
"I really don't want to talk about her, Nathan…"
"Why? She's here now, and sooner or later you two will have to talk. I remember when B was still recovering from the accident. She told me that you…"
He interrupts his brother with a glare and a huff.
"B? When in the hell did you go back to using nicknames for Brooke? And what do you mean 'when she was recovering'? Don't tell me you've been keeping in contact with her too?"
Nathan doesn't even look guilty. And why would he really. Nathan had never really picked his side in all of his drama-situations with girls, he had kind of always gone for Brooke's instead.
"Of course I've kept in contact with her Luke. You know that me and Haley both have, you just never wanted to acknowledge it. Haley says she doesn't want to pressure you, since you weren't handling stuff to well a year ago, but I say screw that. You need to grow up. Both of you…"
"What? I should just pretend like we're alright? Just invite her to dinner with Lindsey and I and talk about old high school memories, huh?"
The irritation pools in his chest, and all the quiet resolve he's maintained lately suddenly feels very weak. Why couldn't his brother just understand that he doesn't want Brooke here? He loves Lindsey, and having Brooke around will only make stuff complicated.
"I never said that" Nathan says with a half-smile "but maybe it wouldn't be such a stupid idea… I mean, if you're so in love with Lindsey, it shouldn't pose as a problem to be friends with Brooke. You never told any of us why you're so pissed at her, and I have my doubts of course, but a crushed heart is not a good enough reason to keep her feeling like this…"
He spins around and watches Nathan now.
"What the hell do you mean by that Nathan? You have no idea how I felt, okay? And I've told you; I don't want to talk about her!"
All his brother offers in return is a shrug, then he goes back to watching his son play. And after a couple of minutes, small talk is picked back up and they're in the middle of discussing Peyton's career when his cell phone goes off.
"Excuse me for a sec Nate…" he says and retrieves it from his pocket. And upon seeing that it's Peyton he mumbles "Talk about the trolls."
"Hi Peyt" he says and she greats him back. "We were just talking about you."
"Oh really? You and who?"
"Nathan. He's sitting next to me."
"That's perfect. Tell him to tell his wife to start cooking. I'm coming to stay for a couple of weeks. The tour's ending and we only have one stop left."
"Where?"
"Tree Hill. So book tomorrow night for a great night out. We have Fall Out Boy and Amanda Marshall."
"That's great Peyton" he says although his voice misses the happiness to go with his statement. He figures he should just tell her, especially since Nathan seems very eager to do it if he doesn't. It's just that he's so tired of drama, and to once again have Brooke and Peyton in the same town, and on top of that try to please Lindsey, just seems like a nightmare.
Peyton probably hears his hesitance because she asks him "What's up?" and he sighs.
"Did you know that Brooke is back?"
There's a pressing silence on the other end. "In Tree Hill? Have you met her? Talked to her?"
"Just briefly. But Haley has seen her a lot" he sighs and glances at his brother before saying "and Nathan hung out with her today…"
He can hear that his voice sounds irritated and he doesn't even really know why. Peyton sighs too.
"I guess I better give her a call…" she says. "But it's all making sense now. I guessed that something big had happened since you never showed up today…"
For a second he doesn't understand but the he clasps his hand over his forehead and curses.
"Damn it! The exhibition Peyton… God, I'm so sorry…"
He really hadn't meant to forget about that.
Hey,
what would you say if I stay
Stay for a while if I may
Say it
again and I'll come around
But not for the last time
Hey,
what would you say if I change
Change everything but my name
Play
it again and I'll come around, come around
But not for the last
time,
not for the last time…
---
Author's
note:
See, a little BL for you all. LOL
I bet you thought they would
just throw themselves at each other, right? Well, no. But I assure
you there won't be any BL-free chapters from now on.
Emma. Great job, hun. Millions of hugs. And for Cas and Cami who I've harassed with this chapter before; thank you so much.
Daniel, Ellie, Bri, Jules… these insanely long reviews spoil me senseless. I love, love, love it so much that I almost want to make out with all of you! LOL Seriously!
And Denise, Gracie, Salma, Britt, Z, Vicky, Loes, Ebony, Whitney, McKenna, Lilly, Allie, Cheyenne, Chelsea, Erika, Ali, Kristine, Mina, Stefy, Treenuh, Natalie, Chabelle and all you others…
…Just wow… what else can I say?
I love you all.
