Today's curdled's bitch corner goes at the top: and here it is! . . . Current issue of HYD and still No sex!! Goddamnit! How many more issues is it going to take? Ok, that wasn't the bitch corner I was going to write, but man, I was pissed (and the real bitch corner was likely to have alienated half the hyd fandom, anyway). Right, back to the story. And oh yeah. I'm going to include a lyric today, just for formatting fun.
Through it all
My mind still wanders
To the one who touched my soul
Though her road leads away
She's still my
True love
Soujiro tossed and turned in the empty bed. He hadn't slept well last night. How could he, knowing that the girl he loved was shutting him out and pushing him away from her, though physically she lay mere inches away. All he had wanted to do as snuggle up next to her and warm himself with the heat of her heart, and share his with her. But, she pushed him away, and Soujiro's sleep was thus disturbed.
Tsukushi had risen early to go meet Shigeru at the amusement park, but Soujiro had fallen into a brief spell of deep sleep, and had not woken as she slipped quietly out of bed, dressed, and left the house.
When Soujiro did wake again, her side of the bed was cold , and he could not fall back asleep, yet still he was unwilling to rise to meet the day. At least here in bed he only had his own problems to focus on, and not those of any of his friends. For a while he shifted restlessly, wondering how to bridge the distance that had so recently sprung up between Tsukushi and himself, but his solitude was short lived and he was unable to find a solution.
Soujiro's ears pricked up as the door clicked open and slow footsteps crossed the floor. Involuntarily, his eyes snapped open in surprise when Tsukasa sat down heavily on the bed next to him. Soujiro struggled to pull himself to a sitting position, a more defensible angle from which to regard the melancholy intruder.
Tsukasa just sat there, on the edge of the bed, hunched over, with his elbows resting on his knees, and his hands clasped around . .. something. .. Soujiro couldn't quite see what, obscured as the object was, by the size of Tsukasa's hands.
Soujiro finally succeeded in pulling himself upright. His first instinct, now was to demand why Tsukasa had barged in to his room this time. Only the painfully confused look on Doumyouji's face stopped him, and instead, he paused halfway between one interrogative grunt and another. And, still Doumyouji sat there, staring at whatever it was he held in his hands.
At last Soujiro gave up, and stated the obvious. "Tsukushi's not here."
"I know." Doumyouji didn't even turn to look at the other boy, "I saw her leave. . ."
"Oh." Soujiro said stupidly. Well then, why was Tsukasa here now? He didn't seem to want to fight, but Soujiro was at a loss for what else Doumyouji's purpose could be. However, he was not to dwell in mystery much longer, for Doumyouji spoke again, in pained tones.
"What is this? You must know, what it means." And he finally showed Soujiro what he held between his hands. It was of course, the engagement present from Tsukushi.
"Ah. . ." Soujiro repeated. He wasn't sure if he wanted Tsukasa to know. A reconciliation of the two might not, after all, be in his own best interests. But Tsukushi would kill him if she found out he lied, and really, he didn't have the heart to stare at the naked pain in Tsukasa's face without offering up a straight answer. So, he sighed, and took the box from Tsukasa's nerveless fingers. "Have you opened it?"
"Yes. But I don't understand. There was no note." Doumyouji was almost pleading. Furious that he had to beg the man he considered his rival for an explanation, ashamed that he had to ask at all. Wondering if he could ever be forgiven for his behavior. Wondering if he could ever forgive their actions.
"It's simple, really. Tsukushi and Shigeru went off to the amusement park today for a "girl's day out" or some such nonsense. It's basically an excuse for them to ride the rollercoasters until they're nauseous and then eat junk food until they wish they had thrown up to begin with."
"That doesn't explain. . ."
"Oh yes it does." Soujiro shot back moodily, "It's obvious, she wants you to join them. What are you still doing here? Go, They'll be hurt if you don't."
"What should I care. I never asked for any of this." Doumyouji muttered sullenly, more to himself than to the other boy.
"Don't you want to see them?" Soujiro persisted, amazed and irritated at Doumyouji's stubborn cowardice. "They want to see you."
"Not after last night."
"Right." Soujiro sneered, "And you think I'm happy with you for ruining what could have been a very fulfilling evening? You have no idea how pissed off I am at you right now. You asshole. But you're still here talking to me, and I'm talking to you. And even civilly at that, despite your rudeness. On the other hand, you're still such a wimp where girls are concerned. Too strong: too weak: too hot: too cold. Isn't it time you learned moderation? Just go to the fucking park and leave me the hell alone."
Doumyouji sat in silence for a few more minutes, digesting Soujiro's rant. Somehow, Soujiro's feelings just hadn't occurred to him when he found himself pacing the halls this morning. No one else was around, and some sort of old instinct had led him to Soujiro-- a friend whose insight used to serve him well on many occasions. It was idiotic of him to forget that if Makino was angry at him for walking in on her, than so too might be the one she was with. But somehow he'd managed to distance Soujiro from that nightmare mental picture that still flashed behind his eyes, of His once-pure girl disporting herself with a pro. Finally, he blinked as if a thought had just occurred to him.
"How long?. . ."
"Have we been dating?" Soujiro easily read Tsukasa's mind and cut off the rest of thought, "About a month."
"A month. . . " If I'd come back sooner, if I hadn't left, would things be different now? Tsukasa wasn't sure he wanted to know. . .
"Yeah. She's stubborn all right, is Tsukushi. But man, the effort was worth it." Soujiro couldn't help gloating a little, just a bit of a power play to remind Tsukasa who the dominant male here was. Still, he made sure to watch Tsukasa's fists with a wary eye. "Look," he finished off, more reasonably, "Are you going, or not? I'm not taking the blame for it if you don't show and she comes home crying again."
"Umm." Tsukasa only gave a noncommittal grunt as he climbed to his feet with a considering look settling his melancholy features into an even grimmer cast. "She's got us all wrapped around her little finger doesn't she? You, Rui, even I can't escape. We're all caught in the same web. I should hate you for taking her from me. . . But I've been coming to realize that you're not to blame. None of us are. It's just one of life's cruel jokes, isn't it?"
Soujiro shrugged, "You said it, not me. I happen to like being wrapped around her. She's cuddly." He was being deliberately provocative again. "Really, Tsukasa, don't you think it's time you moved on? You locked your feelings into stasis the whole time you were gone, didn't you? You haven't changed at all. . . but maybe it's time you freed yourself from this so-called web of Tsukushi? You can't have her back. I won't let you hurt her anymore. Go and be friends with her, and stop trying to drag the rest of us all down into your own personal hell. Your. Relationship. Is. Over."
"And how do you think you'd stop me, if she wanted me back?" Tsukasa challenged.
Soujiro just shrugged in reply, "I'd find a way. I don't have any other choice." And I pray everyday, that she's smart enough not to fall back into that trap. He knew that Tsukushi had dumped Tsukasa not because she didn't love him, not because she didn't want him, but because she just couldn't take him anymore. Tsukasa was overwhelming in his presence, searing in the pain he could, and had, caused her. But all that meant, was that Tsukushi was miserable in her love. She had still been miserable when Tsukasa left too. Soujiro had made her feel better, given her a kind of peace, made her feel comforted and needed, and maybe that's why she came to love him too. For Soujiro felt, not that he had replaced Tsukasa in Tsukushi's heart, but that he had joined him there, in an unstable equilibrium.
"You really mean that don't you?" Tsukasa sounded resigned.
"Yeah. . ." Soujiro grimaced.
Tsukasa stared intently at his friend, as if seeing him for the first time. "Who are you, Nishikado Soujiro?" You're not the person you used to be, not the man I thought you were. Doumyouji felt he didn't really know the other boy; wondered if he ever really had at all.
"What do you mean, 'who am I?' You grew up with me, you idiot. Remember?" Soujiro tried to tease Tsukasa lightly, and defuse the gloomy mood, but he failed. Tsukasa continued to eye him speculatively, as one eyes an arch-rival before a duel.
Recognizing the game, Soujiro assumed a confidence he didn't feel, and stared Tsukasa down, until, at last, the curly-haired boy rose to leave.
After Doumyouji finally left, Soujiro let out a long gusty sigh. This could get ugly. How many days until Tsukasa went back to New York? Whenever it was, it wouldn't be soon enough for him.
If only Tsukasa would just get a grip and content himself with his fiancée, life would be so much simpler.
Future calls to me
To take me away from things
I don't want to leave behind
Like I'm slipping away
I can't hold on.
-------
Tsukasa made his way to amusement ark. He hadn't really made the conscious decision to come here, but his feet had led him, and here he was. It was early in the season, and the crowds were still thin, but still, the park was full of the sounds of cheer. Laughing couples, giggling girls, and shrieking kids. Such a display of proletarian amusements. Junk food, stupid games, dizzying rides. . . here there was little refinement or grace, but neither was there any of the masquerade that accompanied more upper-class entertainments. Here in the park, real emotions were allowed full reign, and no one had time for politicking or back-stabbing. Even Doumyouji could feel a loosening in his soul, as he strode, unnoticed, among the booths and rides, seeking out two familiar females.
Doumyouji lost his courage when at last he did find Tsukushi and Shigeru coming off of one of the looping roller coasters. Stepping quickly back in the shadows, he silently observed the two. .. pretending to himself, that he was just waiting for the right moment to intrude; pretending that he really was going to go up to them, any second now.. .. but Doumyouji watched their smiles, heard their conversation, and knew, with a sinking feeling deep in the pit of his stomach, that the second they saw him, their faces would fall, their laughter would vanish. . . Tsukushi's eyes would lose their luster, and Shigeru's vibrant animation would lock itself away. .. . Thinking all this. Almost living it behind his eyes, Tsukasa remained hidden.
"Ugh," Shigeru was holding her stomach, though her face wore a wide grin, "I think my insides are still spinning without me."
"Yeah." Tsukushi agreed. "That was great, I thought on that last loop that my heart was going to stop"
"Let's do it again!" Shigeru was ready to bound off, but Tsukushi forestalled her.
"Can we get some food first? I didn't have breakfast, and I'm starving."
"Sure," Shigeru looked around, "Let's see, cotton candy sound good? Or how about ice cream!"
"I can't eat that!" Tsukushi protested, "I'll get fat!"
"No way." Shigeru laughed, and heedless of Tsukushi's protestations, stopped at the closest booth to pick up some fried dough. "Yum. . ." Even Tsukushi couldn't resist the greasy sugary temptation, and soon joined her friend in munching away happily.
Well, relatively happily, anyway. The two girls had agreed when they met, not to discuss Shigeru's engagement, or Tsukasa. Neither wanted to ruin the mood of the day. Tsukushi hadn't even told Shigeru of her oblique invitation to Tsukasa. And now, much as she wanted to tell her friend, she found she couldn't open her mouth to say the words, any more than she could have told Shigeru about how Tsukasa had found her and Soujiro last night. Shigeru too, had a secret, and there was no way in hell she was going to tell Tsukushi about her encounter with Amon.
What a pair they were, sitting in the park, eating junk food, ogling cute guys -- though none so cute as theirs, and fairly bursting on the insides from secrets. There were so many things they wanted to tell the other, pains that ate at them, and demanded release -- but for the sake of their fragile illusion, these were pressures that they refused to ease.
As the day progressed, Tsukushi grew increasingly agitated, looking over her shoulder frequently, as if expecting a tall figure that never came. Her laughter came less easily, and sounded more forced. And bit by bit, her smiles fell. She'd really thought he'd come. Really thought that if she made the effort to extend an olive branch, he'd forgive her, at least a little. Why couldn't they just be friends? Why did he always have to be so difficult? And what of Shigeru? Was it really too much to ask that Tsukasa at least try to be civil to the poor girl, even if he didn't love her? She too was making such an effort, trying to pretend that she wasn't scared and lonely on the inside, that she wasn't angry. . . and that she wasn't envious of the way Tsukushi got all the guys, with so little effort or self-awareness.
Unbeknownst to the two girls, Tsukasa was right behind them, the whole day. He knew now, that he was being a coward, but he couldn't help himself. He slunk through shadows and made himself invisible in crowds -- no mean feat when one's figure is as imposing as his was-- and above all he watched, and listened. The girls' chatter was inane at times, but even he could hear the undercurrent of deep emotions that fueled their friendship. There was a warmth there, a bond like the one he had used to share with the F3, a promise to share in each other's pain, to provide a foil to life's miseries, and a distraction from its cruelty.
Tsukasa couldn't help feeling more than a few twinges of guilt as he lurked and listened. Shigeru really wasn't that bad. She couldn't be that bad a person if Tsukushi liked her. She was sweet, it was true, but also a bit unconsciously selfish, in the way that only-children often were. She as of course, also given to manic attacks and to excessive displays of emotion. But none of that was the killer. No, that had always lain in the fact that she wasn't Tsukushi, and could never be. Now, Tsukasa could read in the set of her shoulders the unhappiness that lay beneath her bubbly exterior. And it was all his fault. If he could have, Doumyouji might have slunk off like a whipped dog, with his tail between his legs. But that was not his way, and instead he replaced his guilt with a vague unfocused anger, that gnawed at his belly and sent shivers of ice up his spine. He didn't really deserve any of them -- any of his friends. He was a terrible person, he knew. He always had been, and he'd driven them all away; caused his friends to shun him, and left both the woman he loved, and the women who loved him, with an unending pain. Really, it was best for him to go. Back to New York. Back to work, where he could bother them no longer, and where they wouldn't find the chinks in his armor to hurt hi through.
Doumyouji sighed and rubbed his eyes. He thought too much these days. Life was too complicated. He should just agree; Soujiro was right, and pack his bags and go. He could be on the next flight out tonight.
But he knew he would not do that. He would stay on in Tokyo, until some resolution was reached. They couldn't live in this deadlock forever, could they?
Long after the girls had grown tired of the park's amusements, and gone home to their respective families, Doumyouji remained, pacing the emptying park, like a caged beast, until he too, was forced out into the streets by closing time.
Will is not enough when all those
Lost days stand in the way
But she was
My hopes and dreams my
Whole world.
I could believe
------
After finally dragging himself out of bed that morning, Soujiro had said his goodbyes to Akira, and hurried home to call Rui in for a consultation on, "Issues of great importance." Or so he had half-seriously claimed while on the phone.
Now, it was early afternoon. Soujiro lay on his back on one of the open porches that graced his house, idly throwing pebbles into a nearby fishpond. The day was warm, and his shirt lay rolled up under his head, as he strove to banish winter's paleness from his skin. Rui sat nearby, on the edge of the deck, dangling bare feet in the still-chilly waters of the pond.
"So, yeah," Soujiro paused, relating the final events of last night, "You shouldn't have gone home so soon. You missed the excitement."
"What excitement?" Rui winced as a passing carp nibbled at one ticklish toe.
"Tsukasa walked in on us."
"Really?" Rui sounded completely unsurprised.
"Is that all you can say?" Soujiro propped himself up on one bony elbow to regard the other boy.
"Yes." Rui let his face remain blank for a few seconds, then broke down in an unexpected fit of giggles.
"What's so fucking funny?"
"Well. .. . It is only fair after all. . . You and Akira Always used to interrupt Tsukasa and Tsukushi in one of their intimate scenes, so turnaround is to be expected."
"Hmph." Soujiro snorted, but Rui was already continuing,
"And besides, You're now experiencing what I like to call "Makino-bedroom-luck."
"What the hell are you babbling about?" Soujiro flicked one of his pebbles at Rui, irritated by the smugly knowing expression on Rui's face.
"Oh come on," Rui easily dodged the flying pebbles, "Everyone, well almost everyone, has walked in on Tsukushi at one time or another. She's just got the worst timing of anyone. Let me see. . ." Rui closed his eyes, as he thought back to some of the stories Tsukushi had told him, or some of the scenes he, himself, had witnessed. ". . . There was the time with Tsukasa in the elevator, and again in Canada, I can't even remember the number of times you and Akira caught them, and then there was Tsubaki. . . "
"Ok, Ok, I get the picture already." Soujiro muttered, "Right. Locked doors, from here on out. . . "
Rui just laughed softly, "Whatever you think will work."
". . . If only I get to keep her that long. . . " Soujiro muttered to himself, as he lay back down on the hard wooden planks. More loudly, he changed topics, "What do you think about Tsukasa?"
"Ummm. . ."
"Oh no, not back to this again."
"No, I was just thinking," Rui replied slowly.
"Yeah, well I was thinking too." Soujiro grumbled, "What the fuck is wrong with him? He comes back here, moping around, can hardly manage to say two words in a row, and shows exactly one emotion? That's not the Tsukasa I knew! He doesn't even get angry, or violent, just sits there and broods. I'd rather get my ass kicked by him any day, than have to deal with that. I mean, I know Tsukushi dumped him, but hell, she rejected you too, and you're not falling to bits. Err.. sorry." He amended the end, a bit chagrined at being so tactless.
"Tsukasa. . . doesn't deal well with rejection." Rui tried to formulate the thought adequately. He wasn't sure if his meaning was getting through, but if anyone could understand, it would have to be one of the other men under Tsukushi's spell. "You know Makino is the first, and only girl he loved. You wouldn't like it if she dumped you, would you? You'd be unhappy, and your feelings don't run as deep as his."
"But five months!" Soujiro exclaimed in disbelief, "Surely that's enough time for him to at least start acting like a normal person -- or rather, at least like his normal self."
"I guess not," Rui shrugged, "Maybe if some one else were to distract his attention. But I think he'd been obsessing all by himself over there in New York."
"Ugh." Soujiro scowled
"Or maybe. . ." Rui went on in considered tones, "It's not really Makino he loves anymore, but the idea of being in love with her? The idea that she's his perfect soulmate?. .. That could explain a lot."
"Ugh." Soujiro repeated, and scowled, "That's just dumb. So how do we distract his attention?"
"Not my problem." Rui stated calmly.
"Eh what? "Not my problem" What kind of bullshit is that?" Soujiro sat back up and glared at the other boy, "The more Tsukasa mopes around, the unhappier Tsukushi's gonna be! You want that?"
"No, but if she's unhappy, then she might just dump you." Rui's eyes had gone hard, as he watched Soujiro turn red and start spluttering.
"What the fuck?! You asshole. I'm so going to kill you for that." Soujiro rolled to his feet and lunged at Rui, knocking his friend into the fishpond. Despite now being sopping wet, Rui was essentially unharmed, and he began laughing softly as he pulled himself, dripping back onto the porch. Soujiro watched warily, and with a kind of stunned disbelief, as Rui stripped his shirt off, and calmly reclined on the warm deck.
"You should see the look on your face." Rui remarked, settling his arms behind his head, "That was so worth it. .. but you can calm down now. . .I was just kidding."
"Jerk." Soujiro muttered, sitting down again.
"Sorry, but seeing you getting jealous is still one of the most amusing things."
"Like you haven't acted the same way, before."
"Of course I have," Rui adopted a superior tone, "But I was never "Nishikado Soujiro, Greatest Playboy in All Tokyo," either. I never said, "I'll never fall in love with one woman, there are just so many more to meet." That was All you." He fell silent then, exuding the unmistakably complacent air of "Beat That if you Can."
"Bah." Soujiro couldn't, of course, refute that argument. "Back to Tsukasa. . ."
"Ah, yes. Distractions. . . "
"Shigeru is the most obvious choice."
"From the accessibility standpoint, sure. . . " Rui trailed off.
"But you don't think she's effective enough?"
"Umm. . ."
"Why not? She's kind of attractive. She's like Tsukushi in some ways. I mean, they're both total spazzes, and I bet she's just as willing to take on Tsukasa in a fight. And she actually likes that idiot. Which I would think is a big plus, right there."
". . . " Rui waited until Soujiro had finished listing his points, "That's not enough. . .You weren't there, the time she tried to seduce him. . ."
"Huh?" Soujiro blinked in confusion
"Right before they called the engagement off last time. It's not something the girls like to talk about.. . . You see, Shigeru essentially tried to force herself on Tsukasa. It didn't go over well."
"And you know this, how?" Soujiro asked in disbelief.
"Tsukushi and I were there. . . come to think of it, Tsukushi walked in on them too, when they were both naked."
"Has everyone in our circle walked in on everyone else by now, or what?" Soujiro snorted.
"Not me." Rui again wore his air of smug calmness.
"Your day will come. Have no fear." Soujiro warned. If I have to stage it myself, you'll suffer like the rest of us, "Anyway, back to Tsukasa. I find it hard to believe that anyone could fail to respond to an attractive naked girl coming on to them."
Rui shook his head, either in agreement, or pity at his friend's simplistic view, "It's Tsukasa."
"And you don't think she'll be anymore effective this time?"
Rui shook his head.
"But she's his fiancée."
"So she was last time too."
"Well fuck. What about Sakurako?"
"You're not serious?" Rui laughed in disbelief.
"No, not really," Soujiro agreed, "but I don't know that many other single females who'd even stand a chance."
"Sakurako's not single."
"Shit." Soujiro grimaced, and laughed at his own stupidity, "You're right"
The two boys rested in silence a few more minutes. Rui basked in the sun, with his eyes closed, until a thought hit him, and his eyes shot open. "What about Tsukushi's friend Yuki? Tsukasa always used to at least be civil towards her."
"What! She's not single either, you idiot! How could you forget, She's dating Akira. Has been all winter! Hello? Where have you been?"
"Umm. . . " Rui sat back up and fixed Soujiro with his gaze.
Soujiro could feel his jaw begin to clench as Rui's meaning finally sunk in. . . "I'm going to kill Akira." he breathed at last, "He didn't say anything to me.
"He knew you'd be pissed. Between you and Tsukushi, that guy's in for a rough couple of weeks. But he hasn't dumped her yet. You can stop making those fists."
"Bastard. If he makes Yuki cry, I'm going to have to put him in the hospital."
"If Tsukushi doesn't beat you to it." Rui agreed quietly.
"True. But we are not sacrificing her to The Doumyouji monster, ether way."
"And you won't give up Tsukushi to him."
"Hell no."
"It probably wouldn't solve anything anyway."
"Exactly, so where does that leave us?" Soujiro was still fuming over Rui's news about Akira's planned dumping of Yuki. What kind of best friend couldn't be trusted to tell him something so important? No wonder he hadn't been willing to come over here today. That brat was probably off scouting for a new woman even as Soujiro and Rui spoke together now.
"I don't know any more women." Rui expressionlessly stared up at the sky.
"What about guys?" Soujiro suggested, half-jokingly.
Rui cocked a questioning eyebrow.
"Well why not? The only girl Tsukasa's ever been interested in is Tsukushi. And even I have to admit, she's just not very feminine. And if he could fail to react to a naked Shigeru trying to hump him.. well then, maybe he's really gay?"
"Your logic is as astounding as ever." Rui murmured sarcastically, "Does that mean you and I are also both homosexual?"
"Well no, you liked Shizuka too. And I've had hundreds of women under my belt. We're not gay. . . Well, ok maybe You are. I still can't believe you gave up Shizuka, hottest woman on the planet!. .. but I'm not.." Soujiro rambled on, oblivious to Rui's cold withdrawal, "Hey wait, maybe you should distract him! Dude, that'd rock. And It'd be so symmetrical too-- just think, once rivals for Tsukushi's love, you two could find each other? It would be so romantic.. . "
This time, it was Soujiro who ended up unceremoniously on his ass in the fishpond, when Rui grew irritated enough to do to his friend what had earlier been done to him.
"That's not funny." He remarked, as Soujiro laughed from his position in the water.
"Oh yes it was." Soujiro grinned widely, "Payback."
"And now we're both wet." Rui patted his still damp jeans.
"Oh well." Soujiro shrugged, and climbed back on the deck, "That still doesn't solve our problem."
"No. no it doesn't."
Luckily for the two boys left fruitlessly scheming in the spring sunshine, the fates had a plan all of their own for Tsukasa, and neither Soujiro nor Rui's intervention would be required in the events that were to transpire in Tsukasa's life.
Now you'll have to trade
Your past away
And find another day.
So is change a friend or an enemy?
To be continued. . .
Right, I'm thinking that this is going to be one really fucking long story by the time I'm done-- given how far I've got to go to get to the desired endpoint. And how I been dragging each chapter out. Yeesh. I think I lost my ability to be concise. Oh yeah, and given my fairly erratic updateschedule recently, I've decided to start an update list, so if you want me to send you email when I update, send me mail at curdled_milk@attbi.com. and, for the curious, the lyrics are from Crossroads -by Offspring. Before they went mainstream and started to suck . . mmm screaming and crunchy guitar chords..
