Chapter Nine: Hurt Feelings & Struggle


Three weeks later – August – Two months before the wedding

Austin and I have barely talked for the last three week unless we were working on a song or recording at Starr Records, I miss him so much that I can barely function. I've been eating less and less the last two weeks somehow heartbreak takes my desire to eat away.

I don't feel hungry, even if I manage to eat my stomach rejects it and I throw up almost instantly it simply hurts to much to eat. School starts again in two weeks and I dread it because then there will be teachers who has seen me like this before and I don't want them to know.

I know that I'm losing weight again fast, but I don't want their help or pity. I know if I don't find a way to eat my body will collapse at some point, but I just can't. I have the fabrics I used to hide it last time no one will be able to tell except Trish, so I've been avoiding her.

Trish was the one to notice last time and brought me to the hospital just before I collapsed, but this time I can't go to the hospital. Our parents will put it together they'll know that this started when Austin and I stopped talking.

Suddenly a knock on my door brings me out of my thoughts. "Come in." I say silently and my dad enters.

"Ally? I'm worried about you." He says sitting down beside me on the bed. "You don't talk to Trish or Austin anymore, what's going on?" He asks worriedly.

"I'm fine, dad." I shrug.

"Ally, please, I can see something is wrong with you. Why don't you spend some time with Dallas then he always seemed to get you mind off everything." He suggests.

"We broke up a week or so before camp." I say.

"Why?" He asks confused.

"He cheated on me with Austin's girlfriend." I confess.

"That son of a bitch, why didn't you tell me?" He asks worriedly. "You used to talk to me."

"Well Austin and I talked about it since it involved the both of us." I say. I feel sick saying his name because I miss him.

"Okay, I want you to come with me downstairs." He says suddenly.

"Dad, I don't really feel like it." I say weakly.

"Come on, it wasn't really a question." He says and I follow him downstairs where I see Mimi and Austin sitting. My dad sits down beside Mimi, and I no choice then to sit down beside Austin.

"We want you both down here because we noticed you haven't been on speaking terms since summer camp, we thought you would make-up, but since you haven't we feel like we should step in. What's going on?" Mimi asks worriedly. Austin and I stay quiet; we don't even look at each other.

"Come on, you two were so close." My dad tries.

"It's nothing; we don't really have anything to talk about." I say expressionless.

"That can't be true if it was you two wouldn't be in your room alone, you would be out with your friends." Mimi states.

"Fine, we'll talk to each other then." Austin says annoyed.

"I guess that's all we can ask, but if you don't stop this we'll have to step in and make you tell us what happened." My dad warns.

"Fine." I snap.

"We want you two to go out and have some fun together tonight." My dad orders.

"Okay, we'll go to a party or something." Austin says clearly hating the idea.

"Good, now go talk." Mimi encourages us. We get up and Austin follows me to my room, I sit down on my bed as he closes the door.

"We need to be able to talk and look at each other, at least when our parents is around." I try silently and he turns around.

"I guess we have to pretend then." He says coldly.

"Austin, please. Can't we just try to be friends?" I ask hopefully.

"No, I don't want to be near you or look at you if I don't have to." He snaps.

"Please, I don't want to ruin what we had before we started dating." I beg trying hard to keep my tears away.

"I told you the very first night we slept together that there would be no going back after that and I meant it." He looks into my eyes and I see the pain I put there, I feel my heart twist painfully.

"I know I never wanted us to get here, but-." He interrupts me.

"Stop, I can't bear to hear you reject me again and we got here because you decided that you didn't want me anymore, remember?" He says painfully.

"Austin, why can't you see how this would affect our parents? We should never have been more than friends." I reason.

"I see it all right; I just don't see why I should sacrifice my own happiness for theirs when it's not even illegal. We aren't real siblings Ally, we didn't grow up together and we're the same age if our parents can't handle that then it's not our problem." He reasons and I see his point, but I know our parents won't see it that way.

"I get what you're saying, but they would see it as betrayal." I try to make him see my point.

"I don't care about that and they wouldn't see it as betrayal forever." He argues.

"Please, we're getting nowhere here." I state the obvious.

"I can see that." He snaps.

"Maybe we should talk about this later." I say feeling my guard coming down and I can't let it.

"Fine." He says and leaves my room.

I let my tears fall freely and I cry until I fall asleep of exhaustion I wake up a few hours later where I take a shower. I shower for over an hour just trying to relax and forget everything, I have to spend the evening with Austin and I just don't know if I can handle it.

I know he loves me deeply and that he wants me back, I want to go back to him so badly, but my conscious keeps me from giving in. I dress casual not wanting to lead him on or give him false hope; I can't hurt him more than I already have.

I deserve this hurt I feel for hurting him this is my fault entirely, I should never have giving in to him in the first place because then we wouldn't be here right now. I can't bring myself to regret any time we spend together though because even though it hurts now I've never been happier than I was in the short time I was with Austin.

We decided to go to the movies since none of us is in the party mood we get to the cinema and chose a comedy since it was either that or a romantic comedy. We sit in silence it would have been a funny movie of it wasn't for the tension between us.

Once the movie is done, we just decide to go home this is no fun because we're clearly both hurting. I'm starting to question if it hurts everyone including us that we aren't together since we're both so heartbroken.

We stop in front of the house. "Listen, I can't be your friend, Ally. This movie night just proved it, it's too painful. We have to pretend from now on and only be together when we have to." He says with a voice full of hurt.

"Austin, please." I beg.

"No, you asked me to make this easier on you and that what I'm doing. We can't fix this, okay! I can't be around you and I need you to leave me alone because looking at you breaks my heart all over again." He says looking away from me.

"If that want you want." I almost whisper.

"It is." He says getting out of the car and I do the same. "Now we'll walk inside pretending to be happy." He states and I just nod.

We walk inside with fake smiles on our faces and laugh a forced laugh, our parents clearly bought it because they smiles happily. We walk to our own room without saying a word to each other when we get upstairs.

I sink down on the piano bench where I look over the songs I've written and I find the song I would have played for Austin the day I broke up with him. I play the chords letting myself drift away into the music and block everything else out.

A month later – October – One month and one week before the wedding

A whole month have passed since Austin told me to leave him alone and we have only talked when we had to. We recorded Timeless for our record together it was so heartbreaking to sing that song with Austin because I know our feelings haven't changed. Since then we have been writing songs for our own record and that's properly good, it's too hard for us to look at each other.

I hope Austin has been able to write I want so badly to help him and to tell him I was wrong about us being apart, but I have to leave him alone because he asked me to. We're also back in school and lucky for me I'm good at hiding my eating problems and my weight loss not even Trish has suspected a thing yet.

Austin and I have a meeting at Starr Records today, it's Saturday so thankfully no school normally I liked school, but not anymore only the fact that I can hide behind homework. We drive to Starr Records individually because Austin want distance and I need it too otherwise I might break again.

We walk into the recording studio where Jimmy is waiting for us. "There you are, as you know I asked both of you to have a song for each of your records ready for today." He says and we both nods. "Ally can I hear yours?" He asks sweetly.

"Sure." I say shaking a bit.

"Good, Austin you can stay if you want to hear it and if you don't you can just wait outside." He says.

"I'll just stay." Austin says not even looking at me and I take a seat on the piano bench. 'Here goes nothing' I play the first chords and lose myself into my music, I let myself feel everything I've wanted to say for a long time, but never have. Basically, it's how I used to feel with Austin, but I'm not really happy like I was when I wrote this.

I remember life before
Faraway dreams and locking doors
Then you came, then you came
Afraid to fall, to be free
Always were our worst enemy
Isn't what, what you see
I took time to realize
That I couldn't do it by myself, myself

There's no gravity when you're next to me
You always break my fall like a parachute
When you're holding me so well it's like I barely breathe
You always break my fall, my fall
Like a parachute
You're my parachute

With you it all begins
Feeling okay in my own skin
So alive, I'm so alive
I know this life isn't gonna be perfect
The ups and downs are gonna be worth it
As long as I'm, I'm with you

There's no gravity when you're next to me
You always break my fall like a parachute
When you're holding me so well it's like I barely breathe
You always break my fall, my fall
You're my parachute

When I'm standing at the edge
Inside I'm all way down
And I second-guess myself
You better catch me now
Woah, woah
Woah, woah
Never touch the ground

There's no gravity when you're next to me
You always break my fall like a parachute
When you're holding me so well it's like I barely breathe
You always break my fall, my fall
Like my parachute
You're my parachute

I look up again Jimmy looks pleased with the song and Austin is pale white, I know what he must be thinking, but I wonder if he'll say anything. This song is about Austin how I feel when I'm with him even now, but of course now it's also painful because I can't say that I love him.

"I loved it, good job Ally. Austin your turn." Jimmy smiles. Austin grabs a guitar without looking at me at all, he must be angry about the song or maybe it hurt him, I hope it didn't. He starts to play the chords on the guitar and I must admit that melody is amazing.

Hey girl, I really wanna let you know
Your style, it's something that's so natural
You laugh, and everyone around you stops
Your smile, I wish you knew just what you got
And don't be scared to show me something real
We'll never know holding back what we feel
I'm into you, so tell me you feel the same
And that's all it takes 'cause

Oh, girl you could be mine
Girl you could be mine
Once in a lifetime
Once in a lifetime
So open your heart
Open up your heart

Show me who you are
Show me who you are
Show me who you are
So open up your heart
And show me who you are

Hey girl, wish that I could let it go
But right now, it's time to let your true self show
And I'm sure if you just let down your hair
You won't have a reason to be scared
So take my hand, it's not that hard
You can have more fun if you let down your guard
I'm into you, so tell me you feel the same
And that's all it takes 'cause

Oh, girl you could be mine
My once in a lifetime, yeah
So open up your heart
Open up your heart

Show me who you are
Show me who you are
Show me who you are
So open up your heart
And show me who you are
Who you are, who you are
Show me who you are
Who you are, who you are
Show me who you are
I want you to show me who you are
So open your heart
And show me who you are

I've gotta let you know
Oh girl, you're just so natural
And I know that we could be something
If you show me who you are
And I wanna see it, hey!

Oh, you could be mine
Once in a lifetime
Hey, just open it up, and show me
Show me who you are
Who you are, who you are
Show me who you are
Who you are, who you are
Show me who you are
I want you to show me who you are
So open up your heart
Hey, hey yeah
Show me you are

Who you are, who you are
Show me who you are
Who you are, who you are
Show me who you are
So open up your heart
And show me who you are

He stops playing and I'm speechless he wrote an amazing song all by himself and Jimmy looks really pleased with the song. I can't help, but feel that he might have been writing about me as I wrote about him, but I'm not allowed to think like that.

"I'm really pleased with you work, Austin. You two keeps surprising me." He says joyfully. "I have good news for you, I want you two to write a duet to Halloween and I want you to perform it together the last Saturday in October at Marino High." He cheers.

"Can we perform at our school? Isn't it a little risky?" I ask.

"No you'll both be in disguise and have security guards to protect you of you need it." He smiles.

"Okay." I agree.

"I want you to record your new songs today and then I want your focus on Halloween it will be your first official performance." He says happily and we both nod.

We spend the whole day recording still not talking at all and once we're done recording our songs we drive home. I thought about going to his room, but he asked me to stay way so I decide against it. I play piano when I hear someone knock before coming in, I turn my head to see who it is and to my surprise, it's Austin he walks over to me.

"When do you want to start working on the Halloween duet?" He asks emotionless.

"We can start now if you want." I say silently.

"Sure." He says sitting down beside me.

"I thought about the concept and I was thinking since it's a Halloween song it could be something like this for the chorus." I say starting to play the melody in my head and I begin to sing.

It's like I'm balanced on the edge
It's like I'm hanging by a thread
But I'm still gonna push ahead
So I tell myself
Yeah, I tell myself

Don't look down, down, down, down
Don't look down, down, down, down
Don't look down, down, down, down
Don't look down, down, down, down

"I like that." He agrees and I smile. We keep working on the song for hours before we stop for today, we did only talk about the song, but at least we talked. Things always seems better between us when we sing or write together, but I don't know.

Two weeks later – Three weeks before the wedding

Austin and I haven't talked much and he never mentioned the song I wrote or the one he wrote, but our chemistry is still there whenever we write or sing together. I really thought things were better between us, but I guess I was wrong.

I'm standing by my locker at school, but school is the furthest thing from my mind all I can think about is Austin and how stupid I was to let him go. I regret it badly now and the worst thing is that he gave me many chances to take him back, my thoughts are interrupted when I feel someone behind me I turn around.

"Hi." I say softly when I see a tall guy with chocolate colored hair.

"Hi, I'm Gavin." He says sweetly.

"I'm Ally." I smile.

"I know I've been trying to find the courage to talk to you since I saw you the first day at school." He confesses with a sweet laugh.

"Really? Why?" I ask curiously.

"Because I wanted to ask you out on a date, do you want to go on a date with me?" He smiles charmingly.

"Yes, that sounds fun, when?" I ask. It'll be a good way to get my mind off Austin maybe even let go of him. Ha! Like you could! My mind snaps at me.

"Are you doing anything tonight?" He smirks.

"No, not really." I admit.

"Great, I'll pick you up at seven."

"Here's my number and my address." I smirk as I hand him the paper.

"See you tonight, Ally." He lift my hand up and kiss it gently, I blush as he walks away.

The rest of the day goes by faster than normally, I can't believe that a guy have spent one and a half month to get the courage to ask me on a date it's a great confidence booster. I walk home thinking about my date tonight and I walk inside the house deep in thought.

"Ally, dinner will be ready at seven." My dad says snapping me out of my thoughts, I look at him, Mimi and Austin is sitting on the couch too. I'll better tell them they're gonna find out anyway, but this is not gonna end well.

"Sorry, I won't be home for dinner tonight." I say hoping on one will ask questions.

"Can you take Austin with you; we would like you two to spend just a little more time together like you did before." My dad asks.

"No, I'm going on a date tonight dad; it would be a little awkward." I say with a weak smile and Austin looks hurt. Oh no… I hate hurting him.

"Oh okay then, who is it?" My dad asks curious as always.

"Um it's a guy from my school, his name is Gavin." I explain.

"Okay, well I'm happy you're going out again." He smiles.

"I'm gonna go get ready." I say because I can't bear to see the hurt look on Austin's face.

I hurry to my room where I lie on the bed, but I barely lie down before Austin burst into my room and I jump up in shock. "You're going on a date?" He asks painfully.

"Yes." I say silently.

"Are you really so over me now?" He asks completely out of it.

"Yes." LIE that's a BIG FAT lie…

"Ally, I beg you, please. You know I still love you." He says completely heartbroken.

"You told me to leave you alone, Austin. That's what I'm doing, I have to move on and so do you." I say. But I can't move on because I still love you…

"I said that because I can't look at you and not kiss you or touch you." He explains desperately. I really want you to kiss and touch me…

"Sorry." I say looking down.

"I know you still love me so please don't do this." He begs. I want so badly to just kiss him and tell him that I love him.

"I don't love you." I say coldly. LIE LIE LIE! My mind screams at me.

"You can't do this." He says more to himself than me running his hand frustrated through his hair, he looks heartbroken and I can't handle it. "If you do this then there's no hope for us because then you really let go of me, but I'll still be stuck on you. I can't let you go." He whispers.

"You have to." I say turning away from him before I end up giving in.

"No." He says determinedly and I look at him shocked. "You told me that I could make you feel something no one else have." He says running his hands through his hair in frustration again before his eyes look into mine again. He takes two fast step towards me before I feel his lips on mine and I know I should push him off, but I can't my body simply won't respond and I kiss him back with full force.

He pulls my body against his and I run my hands through his hair, something I've missed more than anything. The kiss is lustful, passionate and full of love, I feel like I could stay in this moment forever just never letting him go, but out of the blue he pulls away way too early.

"Think about how you felt just now when he kisses you and tell me then we're over that you feel nothing for me." He snaps before he leaves my room.

He leave me standing there confused that was a smart move Austin, I'm going on a date with Gavin, but all I can think about is your lips on mine. I get dressed in a purple strapless dress there ends just above my knees and matching heels.

I walk downstairs a few minutes before Gavin picks me up and both my dad and Austin stares at me, Austin doesn't look pleased.

"Ally, you look beautiful." My dad says.

"Wow." Mimi says impressed and Austin just stands there.

I hear a knock on the door and I open it fast, Gavin is standing there with a single red rose. "For you." He says charmingly and I blush as I accept the rose.

"Thank you, please come in." I say politely. "This is my dad, Mimi and my stepbrother Austin." I introduce.

"Pleasure to meet all of you." He says politely, he speaks with my dad as I go to put the rose in water.

"You're replacing me with that guy?" Austin says with jealousy all over his voice.

"You know it's not like that." I whisper.

"Enlighten me." He says sarcastically.

"We can't be together, just drop it." I snap.

"You know I can't do that." He whispers.

"You have to." I say silently.

Suddenly he steps closer again and my breathing hitches. "I can see how I make you feel so please don't go, don't give up on us." He whispers caressing my cheek

"Good night, Austin." I say heartbroken before I walk away. "Shall we go?" I ask Gavin sweetly.

"We shall." He says holding out an arm for me and I take it.

He drives us to a nice restaurant and I must admit even though I can barely eat, the food I manage to eat tastes great. The date is fun much to my surprise, I like him a lot just not the way I like Austin, we enjoy the evening before he drives my home.

He follows me to my doorstep where he leans in slowly and I do the same hoping that Austin was wrong, but when his lips touch mine in a sweet passionately kiss, I feel nothing. No fireworks, no sparks, no nothing and I pull away.

"Good night, Ally." He smiles.

"Good night." I smile back, I walk inside and straight to my room, I lie awake that night unable to sleep. I make a decision I'm gonna give Gavin a chance maybe I can feel something over time maybe Austin doesn't have to be right about this.


*Disclaimer I don't own Austin & Ally or anything else you might recognize. :) I only own this story.