A/N: Wow. Would you believe it? It's already been over a year since I first posted this story. Slow going, eh? Hopefully this will change once the tedious beginning part is over and I can get to all the new things I wanted to write into it.

Anyhow, an extra long chapter for your enjoyment. This chapter is...depressing but filled with raw emotion. At least that's what I felt like when I was writing it. The format is a little weird though. I was trying to do it in a way that would reflect Tifa's turmoil during this point of the story and I hoped I managed to do that instead of it just being plain confusing. Just a little disclaimer, I wrote this with the assumption that everyone reading this has already played the game, or at least knows what happened in it. The chronological order is nearly non-existent and it won't make much sense without knowledge of the original so yeah.

This chapter also goes deeper into Tifa's psyche. I think everyone focuses on Cloud's feelings of guilt so often that Tifa doesn't get much acknowledgement in that department. If you've ever read On the Way to a Smile: Case of Tifa (which I just recently reread), however, there's surprisingly a lot of guilt going on in her head than one would expect.

Anyway, many thanks for everyone who's been reviewing. It's such an encouragement to hear back from you all and it really does make me feel warm and fuzzy.

That being said, I hope you all enjoy this next chapter and don't forget to review! Sank you very much!


IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE

Chapter Eight

Tifa stared at the image reflected in the mirror. Matted hair that stunk of blood and fire and ashes and destruction; a sliver of dried blood running across a cheekbone that suddenly looked sunken and sickly pale; lifeless eyes that gazed back at her apathetically. It was almost enough to make her want to throw a fist at the glass and have it shatter all around her.

"Damn it Reno, what the hell do you think you're doing? Stop the bomb!"

"Sorry, sweet cheeks," his tone was light but the steel in his eyes, even with the slight apologetic edge fringing them, told her that he would not back down, not even for someone he'd almost consider a friend, "but I'm just following orders."

She didn't feel the sick crack of Reno's EMR when it came down on her forearm in response to her anger-blinded attack. She just knew that she had to beat the crap out of him if she wanted to save everyone.


She found that she did not have the passion to do such a thing. Not anymore. Not after she'd personally witnessed exactly what her so-called righteous fury had done for the thousands whose lives had been stolen. All because of her God damn self-righteous fervor! Who was she that so many should die because of her? Who was she to have survived? She shouldn't have survived.

And for a moment her thoughts strayed toward dangerous territory. Human life was so frail. It wouldn't take much to lose, nor would it take much to end her own life. Just a well positioned cut on a major artery and everything would fade away slowly. There would be pain, but she'd known pain far more crushing than that, and it too would fade.

She shook her head with a self-deprecating smile. She knew even as the dark thoughts passed through her mind that she wouldn't do it. She'd always been a coward. Not that she was afraid of dying. Never had she feared death, but she was afraid to face them all. She didn't know how she could ever make amends with all the ghosts that would now haunt her nights and whisper guilt in her heart. No, she would not hurry her meeting with them if she could help it.

She was a coward after all.

Because how could she face them?

That kindly old couple who lived across the street from the Seventh Heaven…

"Oh Tifa. Good to see you today. Business seems to be going well."

Tifa smiled brightly at the elderly woman. It'd taken several months for the old couple to finally get used to the idea that she ran a bar across the street from them, but because of Tifa's strict discipline for her patrons, the neighborhood hadn't degenerated into a further mess than it had been. For that, they were thankful and would sometimes even drop by early in the evening for a meal.

"It's alright. I hope nobody's been making trouble for you. You'll be sure to let me know if there is, right?"

"Of course dear."

…The boy who lived in the training center building and who'd been so proud of his one-room inn…

"Tifa! I finally did it! I finally got old Fred at the weapons' store to let me rent out the top floor for an inn!"

She ruffled his hair, an act which he scowled at her for. She only smiled. She liked reminding him that it was okay to not be as grown up as he so often acted. "Really? That's great!"

"You'll come by sometime, won't you?"

"Of course. Just let me know when you're free."

…She never did drop by. And now she won't ever have the chance to.

Even her patrons…Though many would be considered the scum of the streets, nearly all of them had been forced into that situation. Nobody rejoiced in their poverty. They were good people, for the most part. They didn't deserve to have their lives crashing down on them because of her actions. The pillar had fallen and an entire Sector had been wiped out. Massacred because of Shinra wanted to get rid of them. Of her.

She couldn't help thinking that she was just as guilty as the people who blew up the support pillar.

And what of the rest of AVALANCHE? Of Jessie, Biggs, Wedge? Oh God, Wedge had been the worst. Even now she could feel the sick feeling of her stomach twisting and pulling as she watched him fall and fall and fall from who knows how many stories up. And then his eyes, those gentle, gentle eyes that used to dance with merriment whenever she had a new dish for him to try. They'd already been unseeing and glazed over with the look of impending death when they'd made it to his side.

Dead. They were all dead. Dead dead dead dead dead.

And maybe she really had died with them. Because try as she might, she couldn't revive the hope she'd always had.

She touched the cheek of the ghost that stared back at her and wondered why there were no tears. Why wouldn't she cry? Why couldn't she?

A heavy knock on the door tore her eyes from that lifeless apparition momentarily before they strayed inevitably back to gaze at the phantom that was supposed to be her. Somewhere in her mind—the part that still retained some semblance of sanity—wondered how long she'd been in here.

"Teef? You been in there for over an hour now, baby girl. You okay?"

Oh. An hour. She wasn't sure if time she spent locked in the bathroom felt too long or too short for an hour.

"Tifa, if you don't open up right now, I will bust down this damn door."

She almost smiled. Barret. She still had Barret. And Marlene. She had Marlene, thanks to Aeris though it was also Tifa's fault that the flower girl had been captured by the Turks. Another sin to add to her growing list. And Cloud? She wasn't sure if she really had him, but he was there for now.

She practiced smiling that smile she always managed to paste on when she felt less than wonderful—admittedly, that was often—before opening the door. "I'm okay Barret."

The big man frowned. He never did like that practiced smile of hers. But the years had seen that fake smile appear more and more often. "No, you're not."

"Barret, I'm fine."

The steel in her voice discouraged further conversation and after a moment of silent struggling, Barret nodded. She wasn't okay and she probably wouldn't be for a long time to come, but he could give her the time to try dealing with it her own way first.

"Be careful."

The small quirk of her lips was completely genuine this time. She lay a grateful hand on his forearm. "Thank you. I'll be back soon."

He nodded, the dual-layered meaning of her words not escaping him. Physically she'd be back for sure, he knew that. Mentally, emotionally…he really couldn't say. Tifa always went running when there was something troubling her and yes she always came back smiling, but sometimes he couldn't help but wonder if she'd lost a piece of herself every time she went out.

She looked at the clothes she was wearing and nearly grimaced. Elmyra, Aeris' mother, had been kind enough to lend her some of the clothes from Aeris' own closet and they fit fine and even felt comfortable against her skin, but something about it disturbed her. She ignored it momentarily as she went downstairs. They probably weren't the most efficient clothes to run in, but it would do for now. She just hoped that no one was downstairs to question her on the way out.

Of course, with her cursed luck, Cloud just had to be sitting at the breakfast nook right in her path. Clenching her jaw, she walked nonchalantly to the door. "I'll be back."

When Cloud didn't respond immediately, a part of Tifa cheered that she wouldn't have to face him right now. There was another part though, a part that was disappointed that he didn't care. Still, the relief was more overpowering and she almost breathed a sigh of relief when she reached the door.

"Where are you going?"

She almost kicked herself for celebrating too quickly. "Out," was her simple grounded out response.

"You can't."

Something about the way he said it, with such finality and authority and the assumption that she was some idiot who couldn't protect herself, struck a chord of resentment inside her. Who the hell did he really think he was?

"Yes I can and I am."

"It's too dangerous."

"I grew up in the slums. Don't you think for a second that I'm some helpless fool who doesn't know how to protect herself."

Despite herself, she couldn't help taking a step back when she saw the fire and determination flashing within his eyes. "I won't let you go."

"I'd like to see you try," she responded with a glare, this time refusing to back away from those unfairly powerful eyes. Because she was stubborn and she needed this so so so badly.

Before Cloud could say anything else, Barret's deep rumbling voice broke through the tension. "Let her go, Spiky." He nodded to her, his next words both a confirmation of her abilities as well as a warning for her to be careful. "Tifa knows what she's doing; she won't do anything stupid."

Thinking she'd finally won an argument with the ex-SOLDIER, she turned to the door and pulled it open. Just when she was about to walk out however, his words stopped her.

"I promised Biggs I'd protect you."

Blood darkened his clothes and they could see that Biggs had been shot several times in the chest. But he still tried to hold himself upright against the railing of the staircase, his pride not letting him fall until his very last breath. He tried to smile. "You guys finally made it, huh?"

Cloud surprised her by being the one to speak. "Biggs, you're hurt."

The black-haired man would have laughed, but that would just hurt too much. "No shit. At least you remembered my name."

Tifa took a step forward and put her hand on his shaking arm. "Biggs…"

"Hey, don't look so down, Tifa. I'm alright. I just need a break…." He turned scrutinizing eyes to Cloud. "This doesn't mean I trust you or anything, but would you…can you promise me to protect Tifa until I can do it myself? She's a smart girl, but sometimes she forgets about herself when she's taking care of everyone else. So could you? Just until I get better?"

Tifa shook her head, not knowing whether she should laugh or cry or smack Biggs for being an idiot or hugging him for being so considerate. She was saved a response when Cloud surprised her again with his voice that was so impossibly soft yet so undeniably clear even in the midst of all the gunfire. "I promise."


She took in a deep breath. Something inside her broke and, more than ever, she just wanted to cry. But she'd never given in to the desire before so neither would she do so now. She knew it would hurt him. It hurt her too, but she couldn't stop the lie from pouring out.

"I don't need you to protect me."

As stagnant as the air was in the slums, Tifa found it a welcome reprieve from the fetid stink of sewage water through which they'd just spent over half an hour navigating. Still, it wasn't as if she was taking the time to relish the waste-free scent of the air. They had to get to Sector Seven, and all the broken remnants of trashed cabooses laying strewn about the train graveyard were making it mighty difficult.

It was as if this was a maze and they were the mice to be trained.

Tifa bowled over the monster in her way with extra vigor. How many of these stupid deenglows could there be? Not to mention the ghost-like wraiths that disappeared every now and then right in the middle of a fight. They did nothing to quench the burning urgency driving her to near insanity.

She could see the pillar looming in the near distance and yet it was still so far. Too far. What if they can't make it in time? No, she shook the thought off angrily as she unleashed a hammer kick on a winged beast, crumpling it to the floor with the force of the blow. Cloud and Aeris trailed close behind her, and while both were also deeply concerned for the well-being of all the people who lived in the Sector Seven slums, something about the way Tifa charged ahead with unparalleled determination had them shying back in support positions.

Half an hour in the sewers and another fifteen trying to get past the train graveyard. They were really going to be too late weren't they? Even if they made it to the pillar before Shinra did whatever they were going to do, what difference would it make? Would they really be able to stop them?

She felt the tears burning behind her eyelids but she refused to let them fall. Letting them show meant that there was no hope. And if nothing else, she refused to give up hope.

She nearly landed a fist in Cloud's face out of pure reflex when he suddenly placed a firm hand on her shoulder from behind. Fortunately for the ex-SOLDIER, she managed to stop herself in time, but the motion had her off-balance and reaching for his shoulders to steady herself. Her breath caught when she suddenly found her nose pressed close to his neck.

"We'll get there."

His voice was all at once soothing and exciting in her ears and she held back a shiver. It simply wasn't right that he could affect her like this.

Gathering her wits about her, she took a step back—only then noticing the hand that gently supported her lower back—and gave him a small smile, the best she could manage considering the circumstances. "Thank you."

Blink.

"Why'd you have to be so stupidly heroic all the time?! You could have died!"

Blink.

"You shouldn't have let them think it was you! It was my fault."

Blink.

"…Why are you always saving me?"

Blink.

"I'm sorry I'm always so much trouble for you, but thank you for saving me."

Something about the almost vulnerable—only "almost" because he knew she'd never let herself be completely so—timber in her voice and the glow in her eyes sparked a fountain of memories inside Cloud's head. Childhood memories, and while they had not under the happiest circumstances, he found a note of contentment in each one. But he thought it exceedingly strange that they would suddenly come back to him now. If these memories elicited such strong emotions from within his chest, why was it that it felt like he hadn't remembered them or even thought of them at all for so many years? Why did it all feel so unfamiliar?

The sudden rattle of a machine gun drew him from his thoughts. The three exchanged a startled look. It was coming from the pillar, but they were now essentially blocked in on all sides except for the direction they came from. He watched in surprise as Tifa stoically started walking back the other way.

"What are you…" Aeris' question trailed off when Tifa suddenly turned around and kicked up a cloud of dust as she broke into a full-out run toward the wall of train cars blocking their way. A few feet from the nearest caboose, she took flight into a graceful roundhouse kick that lifted the junk car from the floor and sent it crashing into another caboose several yards away before it finally skidded to a stop.

Tifa sprinted through the now-clear path toward the gun sounds. Cloud and Aeris glanced at each other with a look that denoted a feeling somewhere between amazement and reverent fear. God help whatever fool thought it'd be a good idea to get in her way. They took off after her without another second's hesitation.

The sound of gunfire increased the closer they got, and suddenly a piercing scream ripped through the air as a body—one that looked disturbingly familiar—came tumbling like a rag doll down from the top of the pillar.

Oh God, oh God. Please don't let it be Wedge. Please don't let it be Wedge! Tifa chanted in her head, all to no avail.

The body landed with a sick thud, its landing sending up a cloud of dirt. Tifa didn't wait for the dust to settle to fall to her knees before it. Despite her prayers, it was Wedge, the blood seeping out from beneath his body and trickling out in rivers.

He coughed, the sound wet and sticky and grating in her ears, while he tried to lift a hand. "T-Tifa. Barret. Help Barret."

Choking on her tears, she took his hand and cradled it. "Shh. I know. We'll help Barret. You take it easy. We'll get you fixed right up. You're going to be okay." Her eyes slid up to Aeris unbidden, hating to ask so much, but the older woman's mournful shake of her head crushed the sliver of hope she held deep inside. It really was too late for him.

Wedge coughed again, blood gushing out of his mouth. "Too late—too late for me. H-help Barret. C-Cloud? We need Cloud."

"Cloud's right here, Wedge. We're all right here."

She turned pleading eyes on the ex-SOLDIER for the first time and he knelt down on one knee in response. His voice was quiet, but it was calming nonetheless. "I'm here."

"Cloud, you came. Good, good."

The corners of Wedge's lips turned up slightly and then just like that, he stopped breathing. His eyes were wide open with the unseeing stare of the dead and it took everything in her to hold the tears inside. She carefully rested Wedge's hands over his chest and gently closed his eyelids with her hand. He already felt cold and she held back a shudder.

Time to mourn was a luxury they did not have, however. Another round of rattling gunshots pulled their attention back to the top of the pillar. Tifa's eyes narrowed and her fists clenched at her sides as she stood. Damn Shinra. Damn mako reactors. Damn them all! She won't let them take away all she held dear, not again.

Her voice was steady and she felt strangely in control of her emotions. "Aeris, there's a bar here in Sector Seven called Seventh Heaven. There's a little girl named Marlene there."

The flower girl nodded. "Don't worry. I'll take her somewhere safe."

"Thank you."

She knew her words were not enough to convey her utter gratitude, but she had a war to fight. Looking up, she saw that Cloud was already waiting at the base of the stairs. As she ran side by side with him up the steps, the only thought in her mind was how she was going to make Shinra pay.

Tifa broke into a dead sprint the moment she closed the door behind her. She didn't know how long she ran or even where she'd gone. All she knew was that she felt so beautifully free every time she felt her lungs begin to burn and her thighs groan in resistance, every time her punches sent a monster flying, every time she felt the pearls of sweat roll down her face.

She needed this so badly.

Time passed quickly as she ran—who knows how long really—and she found herself finally able to breathe, able to fight the demons in her head once again. And she would continue fight because that was all she could do.

She looked down and saw the sweaty mess she'd made of Aeris' once pristine clothes. She knew now why she shouldn't be wearing her clothes. They were too pure, too innocent for her to wear. She was a woman of the slums, a symbol of everything she hated, and she should dress like one.

She stopped by a small clothing shop and found a black denim miniskirt and a form-fitting white cotton shirt that almost matched her bartending outfit exactly. She changed into them and after exchanging Aeris' soft leather boots—they would be too easy to rip when she landed a kick—for a pair of sturdy military-style boots, she carefully put Aeris' belongings into a bag.

She examined herself in the mirror. At one time, she would have hated the clothes she was wearing now. They were too revealing, too sensual and inviting for men to stare at. And to some measure, she still hated them. But compared to the almost angelic clothing Aeris had in her closet, this was who she was. She couldn't stand pretending even for a moment that she could ever be as representative of all that was good in the world as Aeris could. Tifa had grown up an urchin of the streets, a slut of the slums and no matter how false those images of her were, that was who she'd become.

And staring at her reflection now, she realized that this was all she knew how to be.