Chapter 9/ The Storm

"Save it. I promised I'd give you space..." he looked back at Aunt Cass. "Are you going to be okay taking him home? I just wanted to make sure he was okay..."

Tadashi had walked out of that room without looking back. He just went right to where Honey Lemon was waiting for him. Back in the emergency room where patients not so patiently waited for medical attention. He set a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"Sorry to make you drive me over here so fast. He's fine, we can get back to the others now." Tadashi spoke in an expressionless tone, which triggered a worrying glance from Honey.

"Are you sure you wouldn't like to stay here with him, Tadashi? You were really worried about him, and we understand if you need to stay here." she reassured, and his body sort of tensed in a way that caused alarm, but when Tadashi saw that he instantly relaxed.

"No. It's really fine. Honey Lemon. He's got Aunt Cass... Eh... He doesn't need me here." Tadashi insisted.

"Okay, okay if you're sure... we can go." Honey Lemon replied softly.

"I'm sure. Thanks again Honey." he mumbled as the two of them walked out the sliding door together.

When they were back at Wasabi's place, they had found that the rest of the crew had indulged in some drinking of the alcohol which caused Tadashi to laugh a bit.

"Ooh Tadashi's back!" Fred called out stumbling over to hand him a beer. "You look like you could use this, bro."

"Thanks but... I'm good." Tadashi attempted to push it back, but Gogo stepped in at that moment wrapping her arm around his shoulder. When he heard a familiar pop of bubble gum beside his ear he shuddered passively.

"Come on, nurse Tadashi, you got this." she slurred and he shook his head, though smiling nonetheless.

"Alright, alright. You've convinced me." he resolved, and he heard woops from all but one voice as he took his first swig of beer.

"You guys really shouldn't force him to drink." Honey Lemon piped in, as Tadashi made a choking sound on his beer.

"They're not forcing me." he began to defend as his eyes watered, "maybe I do need to loosen up for once."

"...Mmkay if you're sure." she mumbled, and he confirmed it with a nod indulging in another sip. The burn not going down any better, but at least this time he didn't choke on it. And then before he knew it, Tadashi had two beers under his belt.

"Look the nurse, is finally coming around." Gogo teased and Tadashi let out a little laugh. He had to admit, he did feel pretty light...

"So how's Hiro? You never said..." Wasabi brought up, and the Tadashi's shoulders sort of slump forward when all eyes were on him.

"He sort of got into a fight. Little bruised, but he's fine. Aunt Cass is with him," just then his phone buzzed and he used that as an excuse to draw his attention away from his friends. "Oh speaking of, she sent me a text just now saying her and Hiro are on their way home right now."

Fred raised his beer to that, and together they continued their night of bevs, and nerd banter. Wasabi and Fred ended up getting into a little tiff over who was the better super hero between Spider Man or Batman, which reeled Gogo into a debate over DC heroes versus Marvel heroes. One that no one could fully agree on... Eventually Tadashi tuned them out when he noticed Honey Lemon had shifted just a little closer to him.

He turned his head, and smiled fondly at her. Sure he was a little bit buzzed, but he had always found her to be attractive. She reminded him of a girl he once adored very much back when he was just a little freshman in high school. A girl much older, but had similar qualities to Honey Lemon. A fierce passion for science, and eccentric personalities that stood out from the rest. Something Tadashi was very into as well...

"You're so pretty..." he let slip, and it really was an accident, or in the moment. Whatever. But he had leaned into her ear to say it; quiet enough where the arguing bunch across the room didn't quite catch it.

Honey Lemon gave him a sad look which caused him to draw his head back. "I've always wanted you to say that... but not like this." she told him, and instantly he felt a wave of guilt flood over him.

"Oh..." he replied feeling like an idiot boy not at all that sure of how to recover from that except to say, "Well hopefully I'll have the confidence to say it again when I'm not like this..."

He thought he heard her whisper the words, "hopefully," back at him but it was hard to tell because Fred was jumping into his lap out of no where.

"Nurse! Nurse! I need a nurse!" he wailed. " Wasabi pinched me!"

"Wasabi." Tadashi scolded but he was definitely laughing about it.

"What? He was asking for it." Wasabi grumbled causing Fred to scoff indignantly.

"I so did not ASK for you to pinch me! Who would ask to be pinched, it's like being pulled back into the horrible depths of reality. And who would want THAT?"

And like an unsuspecting pinch, Tadashi was pulled back into the "horrible depths of reality" when he thought back to how he abandoned Hiro. Sitting here getting drunk of all things. He suddenly didn't feel too much like being with his friends anymore.

"So I should probably head home after all." Tadashi mentioned carefully setting Fred in to the spot where he was sitting. Which was an interesting sight for once he had stood up Fred was nuzzling his face into the couch cushion where Tadashi's butt had just been resting.

"Aaah thanks for keeping this spot warm." Fred cooed and Tadashi just sighed at him.

He was walked out by Honey Lemon where he was told to walk his moped home, and not to ride it. Which he agreed to since she was only looking out for him after all. The Lucky Cafe wasn't but two blocks away anyhow. They exchanged hugs, and Tadashi stumbled his way on home. When he got there. Hiro and him talked.

"Okay, so... are we good?" The younger one had asked by the end of the conversation. And yes... They were good because Tadashi could never hold a grudge against Hiro. Especially when he deserved half the flack his brother thew his way. Tadashi knew he was weighing his younger brother down. He knew that there had been damage that he caused. Damage that was a repercussion of trying to heal wounds before they had a chance to fade.

He knew. God damn it, Tadashi knew that there were unspoken words between them. And Hiro was trying to speak them, and Tadashi just wasn't ready to hear them. No matter how many times he egged Hiro on to tell him what was going on, he sort of knew the younger one wouldn't say a damn thing. And of course he knew he would be hesitant. And it was for the same exact reason Tadashi never said anything either.

Hiro was growing to hate him for the things his older brother had done to him. Suffocate him. Maybe that's why he acted out so much because he was damaging his brother more than he was helping him... God only knew how lucky Tadashi was that Hiro kept everything that went on between them to himself. Tadashi had infected his brother. Poisoned him. Made him believe he needed Tadashi in order to survive. But it was only because Tadashi needed Hiro to survive. He knew it was messed up. It was really messed up, but Hiro was finally old enough to have his own mind. And no matter how hard Tadashi tried to reel him into SFIT, he knew Hiro would do anything to do the exact opposite.

His little brother was beginning to realize that he didn't need Tadashi after all. And that really tore the older one apart. He had suffocated his brother. Those were words that came from Hiro himself. Only Tadashi knew how true it really was. Even Hiro didn't know all of the things... Why he often moaned for Tadashi in his sleep...

The other day may have been the first time Tadashi actually woke him from a wet dream, but it wasn't the first time he had witnessed it. Caused them. God he deserved to go to hell... And especially for the last one.

"Hiro! Hiro!" Tadashi remembered shaking him awake in guilt. He was on his way downstairs, when he had gone to his sleeping brother; sitting on the edge of his bed as his eyes lingered on his little brother just a moment too long...

When he snapped out of his trance Tadashi realized he had been in the shower for too long, because the water had started to run cold causing goose bumps to form down his back. He hardly remembered stepping into the shower, but it was the day after their talk. Then it all sort of spilled back into his mind... everything that happened over the last few days.

"You touched him." Tadashi whispered to himself dragging his finger tips over his scalp. "He was laying there sleeping... and you did that to him. You're own brother..." he shook his head furiously as tears leaked from the corner of his eyes. "You don't deserve to cry you piece of shit." he closed his eyes as flashes of what happened went through his mind...

Hiro had still been sleeping, when Tadashi heard him make a little mumble. A faint "dashi..." was what drew him in. Even though he told himself to ignore it, Hiro had lured him in with that one simple word. And he was just laying curled up on his side facing away from Tadashi. The older brother set a hand on his hip, his fingers going under his shirt. His brother was so warm. A sharp inhale drew from Hiro almost made him pull back, but Tadashi knew at this point how heavy of a sleeper Hiro was. When Hiro turned so he was laying on his back Tadashi's heart thumped knowing he should stop, but his hand was only going further up the boy's shirt... splaying his fingers across the younger one's abdomen. It had been years... literally years... since he had done this... He thought he was done for good. No this was bad. He had to stop before he did something he would really regret.

"Hiro, I'm sorry..." he whispered and his other hand slowly made it's way to the waistband of his pajama pants. He didn't dare go underneath, but that didn't stop him from palming his younger brother through the fabric. His brother shifted in closer, his eyebrows knitted together, but still asleep. Tadashi was gentle knowing harsh movements might wake him. And dear god it was a slow build up. His brother whimpered helplessly for him in his sleep. Never once saying stop... but more... please more... And he knew Hiro didn't know any better. He knew Hiro was asleep. He knew his brother wouldn't know what had happened when he woke.

Tadashi pulled his hand out from under his shirt to run his fingers through Hiro's damp hair as he whined in his sleep for him. The helpless cries turning Tadashi on, but he didn't do a damn thing about it... He just wanted to feel his brother come. This was the only way he'd ever be able to risk such a shameful thing.

"I love you," he heard Hiro say muffled and it wrenched a pang of guilt as he felt his brother release through the fabric. A lucid moment flooded over Tadashi. He decided to wake Hiro in a panic.

"Hiro! Hiro!" His mind echoed the words, and poor poor Hiro had thought that it was his fault. He thought Tadashi had walked in on him having a wet dream all on his subconscious's own volition, but no, it was Tadashi who had forced him into it.

This was his way of telling Hiro that it was him. He was too much of a coward to say it directly, but he had to give him a sign. Maybe he would finally stop for good, if Hiro knew he needed to be afraid of his older brother. Sure, maybe he wouldn't be afraid in the sense, "Tadashi is a danger to my health," it might be in a different way, "my feelings are dangerous for Tadashi and I can't let him know," And yes, maybe that was what Tadashi was going for, so neither of them had to face the honesty of their relationship. So Tadashi could live in ignorance for a while longer. He had a real problem that he wasn't ready to face. He was a monster... He was a fucking child molester for christ sake.

Tadashi had thought of suicide often. He did. But no matter how twisted he was, he knew that killing himself would also ruin Hiro...maybe even to the point of doing the same thing. Tadashi was a lovely rose, pretty to look at, sentimental, kind, and full of love and ideals of love... But he also was infested with thorns. And his thorns were woven deep into Hiro's flesh. He made it so Hiro always stayed close to him.

Pulling out objects that penetrated deep, ripping them, tugging to fast... it could kill faster that way rather than if had they had just left the damage sit there. And that's what Tadashi needed to do. He needed to leave Hiro alone. Maybe he couldn't dig out the thorns that already punctured his skin, but he could stop from himself from causing more harm to his little brother. Hiro wasn't a completely lost cause like Tadashi. Hiro still had time to possibly undo some of the damage that had been done on his own. It didn't have to be too late for him.

Maybe Tadashi couldn't off himself. But he could make Hiro hate him. He knew the more he pestered him with school the more freedom the brother wanted. Tadashi knew it was sick to use his own venom against his brother, but Hiro was so damn desperate to keep his feelings to himself that Tadashi found a way to use that to his own advantage.

'That's right be a good brother, and keep trying to push Hiro away before you really hurt him.' As the cynical thought crossed his mind Tadashi's mind slipped back to Honey Lemon... Maybe he could make it work with her. Maybe he could be normal, and eventually his feelings and urges for his younger brother would die down... Maybe he could grow to love someone else, if not for his own sake, then for Hiro's sake.

Well that had been the plan. Until Christmas Eve happened. Stupid, stupid Tadashi couldn't keep his hands off him when his brother tried to wriggle out of the situation they had been spontaneously thrown into. Hiro had been doing the right thing, trying to get away from the awkwardness. Then everything had spiraled out of control from there. There was the moment where Tadashi tracked his brother down by the bridge. And about half way through Tadashi knew he was in way too deep. He couldn't just make Hiro forget about him.

It was truly, truly warped... But Tadashi had decided in that moment when he had suggested for them to stay confused, for them to essentially stay the same... When Hiro's reaction was to hide his face in his shirt... He decided that was only going to lead to more thorns into Hiro's flesh.

So what did he do instead? He took him over to his bed. And he played in his mind how easy it would be to make Hiro his. If he hadn't already marked his brother up enough with scars... what would one more really do? And that was the question in his mind that got to him. Tadashi had gotten to a point where he was nearly guiltless to what he had been doing to Hiro.

Then his brother's hand was going where he very much would have welcomed. If he really did lose that final shred of a conscience that was left inside him, but no, the older brother was still there. The one that really meant to protect Hiro, even if it meant from himself. Going to the couch wasn't meant to be a punishment for Hiro. It was a punishment for himself. He could have easily had Hiro go back to his side of the room, but Tadashi didn't even deserve to be able to share a room with him.

And then, forwarding to when Hiro was in the garage. Tadashi folded under his words,

"Maybe it's you who needs to take a step back."

There it was everything that validated how shitty of a person Tadashi was in one sentence. He didn't deserve for Hiro to forgive him, he should not have made his brother pity him like he had. And he definitely didn't deserve the marks he was staring at right now in the mirror.

With literally, everything that had happened these last crazy weeks... Tadashi stared at the marks in what he wanted to be disgust. His fourteen year old brother made these marks that littered the right side of his chest. And as badly as he wanted to enjoy them... he felt filthy. Dirty. He didn't deserve his brother's affections. He didn't deserve Hiro's love. That damn boy loved so unconditionally it made him weak at the knees just thinking about it.

Tadashi held on to either side of the sink to keep himself lifted up right, and he was afraid he might actually throw up with how disgusted he was with himself. His hands turned ghostly white with how tightly he gripped the sink. His face just as pale... All we did was kiss. All we did was... Tadashi let out a painful cry as his fist made contact with the face of the mirror. The most tiny crack was all the evidence that he had hit it at all. So he repeated the action watching as the crack expanded with each blow, throwing his punches as hard as he could even after he saw the blood dripping off his hand. He watched as shards of glass chipped off the mirror bouncing on to the sink and shattering into even smaller pieces as they hit the tiled floor.

The pain was blocked out by the mere shock in his own actions. Tadashi never threw a fit like this. He never let himself crack over his emotions. The obsession with pretending to be normal made him put one of the best liar's mask on for the world. But right now he wasn't calm... He was a storm. A violent one at that. God he really didn't deserve to live... and if he did deserve to live it was only because he deserved to rot. He deserved to be put in jail and suffer for all the things he had done to his little brother. All he had to do was turn himself in...

That's when Hiro entered the bathroom. Tadashi stood there quietly holding his wrist.

"Tadashi? What the hell?!" Hiro had exclaimed. "Aunt Cass! Aunt Ca-" And before he could shout for her again, Tadashi had covered his brother's mouth with his unbroken hand.

"She can't know, Hiro." he said calmly. "Please just come with me to the hospital."

Hiro nodded his eyes wide and panicked. Tadashi had lowered his hand immediately not meaning to scare his brother like that.

"What.. why did you... I don't understand..." Hiro stammered and Tadashi hated that he was making his brother cry. How could he screw up like this?

"I'm sorry. I just... Everything is crumbling down around me at school. I wasn't able to get my final project ready on time. Callaghan gave me an extension, but I only have a couple days left... and I just freaked out." Tadashi lied off his ass, and Hiro instantly wrapped his arms around his older brother to console him.

"After we fix up your hand lets go to your school okay? I want to help you finish. I know you can do it Tadashi, please don't hurt yourself like that ever again. Come talk to me... You don't have to bottle everything up inside." Hiro told him squeezing him tighter. "Tadashi. We'll figure it out, so don't give up, okay?"

"I-I wont." Tadashi promised, and the guilt was overwhelming. But he couldn't help but feel touched by his younger brother's words. He wanted to be a rock for Tadashi. He wanted to be his anchor. Tadashi wanted to let him. He did. So maybe he could play this up. His project he was working on was still in beta, still had kinks that needed to be worked out... All he had to do was show it to Hiro... and hope to god Callaghan didn't stop by as he showed it off. Because the truth was he was very impressed with Tadashi's work, and there was hardly any pressure on him to fix the minor hiccups. It was just a convenient excuse.

Hiro drove Tadashi's moped to the hospital. He bandaged up Tadashi's hand the best he could before they took off. His heart thumping loudly in his chest as his brother wrapped his arms around his waist as he started driving. It was silly to be flustered by such a little thing, but now that their feelings were out there the younger one couldn't help that his body heat intensified by each touch his brother had to offer him.

When they arrived, it was a lot of waiting. A lot of silence and waiting. Tadashi wasn't saying much, and Hiro wanted to respect that. He didn't want to press him with more questions even though he could tell there were some things being left unsaid.

After about a half hour passes, Hiro looked up at Tadashi noticing that his face looked rather sick. Like he had a stomach ache along with the broken hand. He gently reached for his older brother coaxing his hands with his. The pad of his thumb traced little circles on the hand supporting the broken one.

"Tadashi. Look at me. You're okay. You hear me? Everything is going to be alright. I'm right here." Hiro spoke watching as Tadashi slumped down in his chair shrinking in size as he leaned into his brother. His head rested on the younger one's shoulder. Hiro hadn't expected that Tadashi would physically lean on him for support. He felt the older one's chest heave against his body, and in that moment Hiro knew had to be the strong one for once.

He looked around making sure they weren't receiving any weird looks. When he noticed no one was really paying no mind to him he plants a kiss atop of Tadashi's head.

"Hey," he whispered low in his ear, "I was thinking more about more about my microbots. How they reminded me of us? Well... they're still like us, but they're design comes from ants. Ants can carry over 50 times their body weight, and for an ant that's pretty damn impressive. How something so small can carry so much heavier than them. And how if you multiply the numbers together they can carry an even heavier burden together..." Hiro knew it was a little risky to keep his head dipped low next to Tadashi's ear like he was, but he figured if anyone was watching they had no reason to think anything of it. To the people around him, it just looked like he was comforting a friend who appeared to be in a lot of pain.

"I can help carry your load Tadashi." Hiro mumbled, "You've been carrying and taking on so much. I've let you let my problems be yours far too long, but not letting your problems be my problems. We promised each other honesty... And I'm going to keep that promise." he smiled softly even though his brother laid limp in his arms. Even though he was seemingly unresponsive, Hiro felt like for once he felt he might actually be able to help Tadashi with one of his problems instead of Tadashi keeping it all to himself.

"Tadashi Hamada." Hiro nudged his brother as his name was called. He helped his brother stand, and together they made their way over to the nurse.

Hiro had to leave his brother when they took X-Rays of his hand. As he was left alone Hiro tried his best to shut out all the sick people around him. But it was nearly impossible. Their was so much energy in the room that dragged him down. At least when he had Tadashi leaning on him he could just focus on him. Hiro felt like he could take on Tadashi's pain, but the rest of the world... it was definitely overwhelming.

After a couple of hours Tadashi was sporting a splint, and left with a prescription for the pain. On the drive back home Tadashi became rather confused when his brother made a detour to the San Fransokyo bridge. They stood under the bridge by the river, and Tadashi stayed on the bike as Hiro stepped off and took off his helmet.

He squinted his eyes at his younger brother as he was lead off the moped.

"Shoes off," Hiro said going down on is knees, "Don't worry I'll do it just lift your foot." Tadashi blinked still not understanding why he needed to take his shoes off, but he used his good hand to support himself on Hiro's shoulder as he tugged off his shoes and socks.

There was so much he needed to tell Hiro, but he had turned into a stupid caveman where no words at all were coming out. Just a little grunt when he almost fell over as Hiro dragged him over by the river. He paused as his brother went first stepping on the rocks along the shore. The water barely drowning them at the surface.

"We're going to that big rock over there." Hiro directed pointing about twenty feet ahead of them.

Tadashi nodded following his brother carefully until they reached the rock. Really it was only enough for one person to sit, with their feet dipped in the water, but when Hiro settled in between his brother's legs neither of them had spoke up to complain about it.

Hiro had to wrap Tadashi's arms around his midsection for him, but he didn't mind. He knew there was something that was distracting the older brother. So he took him to the one place that always brought him peace.

"I like this spot. I come here after a bot fight sometimes." Hiro told him, and Tadashi had to refrain from telling him that he knew this already. He was sure that Hiro had figured that bit out for himself already anyway.

"This is my favorite time to be here after the sun has set, and the lights are their brightest. We don't really see stars here. But this has it's own sort of peace to it." Hiro leans into his brother subtly soaking in his warmth. Sitting by the river tonight was a little chilly, and with their feet dipped in the cool water made Tadashi appreciate the warmth his brother radiated even more so.

"It makes me think about how everything sort of works. The structure of the buildings, how it all fits together like it does. Everything has it's own unique purpose." Hiro continued, and Tadashi finally hummed to let his brother know he was listening.

"I didn't take you for the sentimental type." Tadashi spoke and Hiro just shrugged.

"Even I can appreciate someone elses' intelligent design. I mean, it's sort of what inspires my ideas. I know I'm not like an architect or anything... But you know, a building, a bridge, a robot... they are all structures that were built with these..." Hiro's voice trailed away as he interlocked his fingers with Tadashi's.

"Sure there is a brain behind those hands... but..." Hiro bit his lip, and Tadashi felt a sudden rush of affection for his little brother. How did he get so wise all of a sudden? Of course, he knew he was intelligent, beyond belief at times. But these words, they were sort of beautiful...

"...What is it?" Tadashi asked not expecting him to stop mid sentence.

"I'll be your hands for now... But when your hand does heal again, as it heals, it wont ever be put together as structurally sound as it was before. So you have to take care of it, okay?" Hiro paused for a moment before continuing on, "It made me wonder something. What about the melt down that caused it? Your mind needs to heal too. And maybe things in there wont be exactly the same once you do start to feel better, but that's okay... because you still work. You are still you." Hiro mentioned as a small sigh escaped his lips.

"And what if 'still me' isn't all that great? What if... 'stillme' wants to do really terrible things, and I can't stop myself? If I wont ever be whole again... if what you're saying is true, that I won't be as structurally sound... isn't that saying I'll be weaker? What if I can't control myself Hiro?" Tadashi wondered before he could keep the feeling inside. Hiro being so honest, and so pure made him weak.

"Well, then you are just going to have to do those terrible things Tadashi... because I'm not going anywhere."