Disclaimer: Me + Don't Own = Naruto.


"Tobi, you're drunk."

"'m not Tobi," Tobi argued. "I'm Madara Uchi - Utach - Itchyha."

Sasori stared at the srunk Uchiha, disbelief plastered on his face. Of course he would be the one elected to keep Tobi from wrecking anything while in his current drunk status. Clearly it made perfect sense to take the one Akatsuki who couldn't even drink anything, let alone get drunk, to take care of the intoxicated, split personality disordered Uchiha. "Fine," he eventually said, remembered something Deidara had said in one of his tolerable moments about how people got weird when they got drunk and that he should just go with it. Of couse, the fact that Deidara himself had been drunk at the time wasn't exactly reassuring. "But you're still drunk."

"Am not!" Madara argued before trying to step backwards and forwards at the same time, resulting in a thump and Madara staring at the ceiling, laying flat on his back. "The floor tripped me," he grumbled.

"Why did you think it was a good idea to steal Hidan's sake supply and drink it all yourself?"

The man sat up and frowned beneath his mask. "Dunno." He looked up at Sasori. "Did you know Pein-sama and Konan-sama make gloves?"

Sasori blinked and attempted to decipher the meaning of the phrase before Madara/Tobi stood and nodded importantly. "Deidara-sempai told me."

Oh. Now he got it.

If he could turn red, Sasori's face would currently mimic that of a tomato. As it was, he felt incredibly embarrassed, knowing that both Pein and Konan were in the next room over. Wondering how he could get revenge for this one, Sasori replied coolly, "I think you mean 'love', Madara."

"Huh? I'm Tobi." Tobi spun around in a circle - or rather, he attempted to, but ended up sprawled on the floor again. "You're really tall, Sasori-sempai," he remarked, staring up at Sasori.

Sasori found he wasn't quite sure what to say to that, so he settled on changing the subject entirely. "You're going to have a wicked hangover in the morning."

"Ahangover?" Tobi slurred. Sasori nodded. Tobi considered this statement for a moment before saying, "Like a sleepover?"

"No," was Sasori's short and curt reply. "A hangover is a terrible headache that drunk people get in the morning."

"Oh." Tobi fell silent, then glared at a spot slightly to the right of Sasori. "But I swear. I swear -" he raised his right hand - "to - to drunk - that's not the right word..."

Madara glared at his raised hand. "Useless Tobi," he muttered loudly. "I swear," he repeated, "I swear to drunk I am not God."

As if the word itself had summoned him, Pein poked his head into the room. "Yes?"

"Not you," Konan and Sasori choroused, as Konan appeared from behind her lover and yanked him back from the doorframe, out of sight.

"And yes, you are," Sasori added to Madara, who had begun arguing with the lamp. Not Tobi, the lamp. His statement roused the Uchiha from his unintelligible arguement and he attempted to whirl on the puppet master in shock. He failed utterly, and ended up sitting on the couch.

"How'd I get over here?" he wanted to know before deciding that it wasn't important and turned his attention on his babysitter. "But - but I swore to God!" he said, shocked.

Again, Pein showed up at the door, and again, Konan yanked him away.

"You swore to drunk, actually," Sasori said in his driest possible tone.

"Yeah, him too."

Sasori contemplated suicide as Tobi/Madara/whoever he was began to babble about nonsense.

And thus alcohol was never, ever, ever allowed in the Akatsuki hideout. Ever again.


A/N: I was bored and I wanted to write drunk Tobi/Madara. I hope I did an almost decent job. Or, failing in that, I hope I made you laugh. Or at least mildly amused.