Addendum #8
Series 1, episode 4: Around the Corner
"Oooh, I have sexed. Several times." Lloyd delivered the line just right. It held just the right amount of confidence – even arrogance – and equability. He didn't like talking about sex, not when it involved himself. He could talk about anybody else's sex-life and needs and disorders just fine. But when it came to himself... he guessed he was just shy.
For a minute it even worked. Shea didn't press the matter of his virginity – still intact or not – any longer. But like so many things in Lloyd's life the alleged solution came back to bite him in the ass. Shea, honest to god, accused him of being a paedophile. Just what the hell gave him that idea? Lloyd knew he could be creepy sometimes, yes. But honestly, he wasn't that creepy! He wasn't giving off any of those vibes, was he?
If he was, then it just wasn't fair. Paedophilia was something that gave him the creeps, because he couldn't wrap his mind around it. He could slip into just any mind-set in a matter of minutes. Psychotic, neurotic, sociopathic, phobic, depressed ... you name it, he could get into it. But not with paedophilia. In a way this was reassuring. He already was neurotic with a touch of sociopathy, and could easily see himself become psychotic, phobic, depressed ... whatever. It was comforting to know that, no matter what, he'd never traumatize a child like that.
But, to be perfectly honest, that wasn't it. It bugged him, yes, because he wasn't used to not being able to do things. But the truth was, that the idea of adults having sex with children just made him feel uneasy, always had. It made him feel tense inside and loose too. He felt jiggly and queasy and nervous, like there were something lurking around the next corner, ready to tackle him.
This feeling had certainly intensified since his time at Rahway. Being subjected to sexual abuse yourself would do that to you. Today Lloyd could empathize with the victims so much better than he could before. It was a gift as well as a curse. More of a curse in the given case. He felt with Tess, wanting to bite his own fingers till they bled, found himself in her drawings.
He didn't want to deal with this, didn't want to delve into this subject, intriguingly uncommon as Ramsey's pathology was.
But it wasn't to be helped. If he pulled this off, he and Shea and Erica would lose a month of their sentence. He could feel uneasy and preyed after for a few hours if it helped shave off a month for him and his friends.
He could.
