Chapter 9

APOV:

Three Months Later:

Today's just another day of my lifeless existence. Another day that I'll waste away, trying to pretend that I'm fine, happy. But how can I be? After all that happened, how can I face the world? How do I forgive myself, forgive Christian for losing our baby. My little Blip, he was so innocent and loved and I couldn't save him.

I drag myself out of the bed and head to the bathroom and start following the routine I follow every day. Wake up, Eat, Waste Away my Day, Eat and back to sleep. I stopped going back to work, because I couldn't get myself to get out of the house and face the world, the reality that everyone has moved on.

After that hateful mail from Elena, Christian and I had grieved together. I guess he had hoped that I would start letting him in again, but I couldn't. How could I when I was hurting so much. I couldn't let him see how broken I am. I couldn't bear to feel his touch, his love…. All his actions made me remember Blip. So I did the best thing I could think of. I pushed him away.

To the world, we are still a happy couple, together against all odds. The newspapers kept printing stories about my bravery and dedication for my family for weeks after the incident. But the Greys know how far from the truth those stories are.

I have hardly kept in touch with them. Initially Mia and Kate would come over, trying to keep me company. But they got tired of my lack of enthusiasm to do anything but sit around the house.

Grace tried to get Christian and me to attend so many family dinners but failed and gave up eventually.

Ray used to visit often for the first month after the incident. And Carla used to call frequently. But my monosyllabic answers and lack of interest in any sort of conversation led them to give up as well.

And Christian….I barely see him now. He tried so hard for the first month. Tried to get me to talk to Flynn, tried to take me out to places, but I wouldn't let him. I have barely touched him since that night. Barely let him hold me. We still share the same bed, but sleep as far from each other as we can.

Every time I look at him I can see the longing, the pain but I can't get myself to talk to him. I am so angry at him for going to Elena that night, for leaving me like that… but mostly I am angry at myself, for being stupid enough to confront Jack on my own. Eventually Christian gave up on me too.

He spends most of his hours at GEH, coming back home only to sleep. Some nights he doesn't even come back. On weekends he's always locked inside his office. He comes to bed much after me and leaves before I get up. We have drifted so much. I wonder how long he'll stand this. I wonder how long it'll take him to finally kick me out for all this shit I'm putting him and his family through.

I'm curled up in the library with a book, though I am barely reading it; when I hear a gentle tap on the door. I turn around to see Gail walking in. "Ana, Kate is here to visit you" she says gently

Oh! Why is Kate here? It's been weeks since she visited. I debate whether I should go out to meet her or simply avoid her and lock myself in the library, when she barges in….so typically Kate.

"Hey Ana! How are you?" she looks happy. She's almost glowing. She comes next to me and sits down. "I'm sorry I haven't been here to see you for so long."

"It's alright Kate. It's not your duty to come visit me." I reply nonchalantly.

She looks at me for a while before she continues, "Ana, Elliot and I preponed the date for the wedding. I know this is short notice but we thought we'll hold it two weeks from now, at Bellevue." I sigh. She like everyone else has moved on.

"Oh congratulations Kate." I say with no emotion in my voice.

"Ana, I want you to be my Maid of Honor..." Kate says gently.

I look up at her shocked. I don't understand! After the way I have been behaving around everyone, she still wants me around, wants me to be her maid of honor…

"Kate I…" I don't know what to say, "Kate, you should ask Mia. I don't think I can be your maid of Honor"

"Oh Ana! Don't say that! You are my best friend and like a sister. I want it to be you! Please!" Kate pleads.

"Kate, no! And the wedding is too close! I don't know how I can be of any help. Why did you prepone it though?" my curiosity gets the best of me.

"Ana, I'm pregnant!" she squeals out...

Pregnant! Oh! I feel a sharp pain in my gut... no wonder she's so happy! But I can't help feel sad. And also a little bit jealous. Had I not miscarried, I would be sitting here sharing my best friend's joy; but right now her good news feels like too much to deal with.

"We found out about my pregnancy only two days back! We were so elated. Only Grace and Christian know about it and now you." Oh! Christian knows!

"Elliot suggested that we prepone the wedding so we can get married before the baby is born! And anyway, waiting for the wedding for so long didn't make sense in the first place" Kate gushes out.

But I barely register her words. Now the family is going to have a new baby Grey and it's not going to be my little Blip.

"Ana, please say something!" I look up at her and see that she's hurt with my gloomy response.

"I don't know how to be happy for you Kate..." I whisper out. I see the tears well in her eyes. "I'm sorry Kate. Congratulations though." I get up to leave the library.

Before I exit, I turn around and tell her "I don't want to be your maid of honor. Ask Mia. Please" she looks absolutely heart broken. Oh Kate! I want to tell her that I'm so sorry for being this way, but I can't.

But before I can leave the library, Kate speaks out, "Ana, wait!"

I turn around to look at her and I'm surprised to see anger in her eyes.

"How long will you be like this? How much longer Ana? Do you think you are the only one hurting? Do you think that everyone has simply forgotten about the incident?" the anger in her voice shocks me.

"Ana we are grieving too. Do you have any idea how scared everyone was after the incident? We thought we lost you. Do have even a tiny clue what Christian went through? He was so broken when he found out that you miscarried..." my head snaps up. Christian was upset? I thought he didn't want the baby!

"Do you know what Christian is going through now? Every minute, every day, you refuse to acknowledge him and he dies a little more inside. It's not just you Ana! He lost his baby too! And now he thinks he lost his wife." I see tears in her eyes and that's when I realize that I've been crying too.

I sink down to the floor. "Oh Kate! Help me… I don't know what to do." I start sobbing

Kate is next to me at once and she holds on to me.

"Ana, Christian is in hell right now. I know you are angry at him for how he treated you for going to Elena, but…"

I cut her off, "you know!?" I'm shocked to hear her say this!

She sighs before she continues, "Ana it's a long story. Let's get off the floor and let me get you something to eat. We can talk while we eat."