Chapter 9 I'm wide awake and breathing
The next morning
"Well, look who finally decided to wake up and grace me with her presence."
"Alex, how long have you been awake and watching me?" I demanded as I sat up in bed, my hands rubbing into my eyes to clear the haze from my vision as I turned to see Alex lying beside me with his elbow keeping him upright as he watched me. And judging by the relaxed tension in his body, he had been awake long before me even though it was only 8 in the morning. There was the tiniest of smiles on his face and I became keenly aware of how I looked after a night of sleep and my hands immediately went to my hair to pat it down just in case. Alex started to chuckle as he sat up against the headboards, his arms crossing over his bare chest just as I shot him a glare. "Do you actually get amusement out of this?"
"I do actually, but mostly because I just genuinely like to watch you sleep. It's the calmest you have been in a while." He pointed out, raising his eyebrows at me as he reached out to tuck a stray piece of hair over my shoulder. "And you look especially beautiful when you sleep, peaceful too. I like to see you like that."
"You're being very charming for it being so early in the morning. What gives?" I asked curiously, not that I didn't like that he was being sweet because I totally did. But it wasn't his normal behavior, especially not recently. After telling him about the rape and confessing it was Randy, I figured he would be a little more distant. And yet here he was saying the sweetest little things out of no where. I had to wonder where it was coming from. "Seriously, why are you being so sweet all of a sudden?"
"I don't know, maybe it's because I love you." Alex stared right at me as he said that, his sudden confession causing my eyes to widen as he shrugged and turned his back on me as he moved to the edge of the bed to pull his sweatpants over his boxers. I just sat there with the sheets pooling around my knees as I tried to not feel as shocked as I was feeling right now,but it was hard not to. Alex and I had been involved for months and the feelings we had developed for each other had been in the making for years. But never had he actually come close to admitting the extent of his feelings and now he was and I didn't know how to feel about that. I knew he loved me and I knew eventually he would end up saying it, but now? I had told him he wasn't allowed to say those words to me and for a long time he had complied without fighting it. And now things had suddenly taken a turn in this early morning hour. Alex looked over his shoulder at me with a grimace. "I know you told me I couldn't say that to you, but I never understood why not. So I took a chance, because I didn't want to hold back anymore. Are you mad?"
"No, of course I'm not mad. I'm just surprised that's all." I replied, running my fingers nervously through my hair as I kicked the sheets off my legs. "I wasn't expecting you to say that for a long time, and especially not so soon after...revealing my secret."
"I've been wanting to say it for a while,but I always held back because I knew you were uncomfortable with it. And I guess I know the reason for that now." He leaned forward with his arms folded across his knees as a heavy sigh emitted from his lips. "I just want you to know I care."
"You're so good to me. You're sweet and kind and the most protective guy I know. You're perfect and I love that you just went ahead and said you loved me. And I want to say those words back to you, trust me I do..." I said quietly, feeling an urge to reach out and touch him, so I moved forward behind him with my arms wrapped around waist and my cheek laying on the warm bare skin of his back as I inhaled the faint scent of his body. It was one of those rare times that I actually felt safe, hence the reason why I had no intention of letting go. "I feel the same way for you too, I just can't seem to get the words out. I've never been in love before and now that I am, it's sort of scary."
"I can understand that. After all, it took me 2 years to say it so its only fair that you have more time then me to say it. You've been through more, you deserve to take as long as you need before you feel comfortable enough to say it back to me." Alex answered back, his hands going to my arms and removing them from his waist so he could turn around and face me. He brought his hand to the side of my face, moving his thumb across my cheek before shooting me a smile. "Look, I know you care about me. So it doesn't really matter if you ever say it to me."
"I want to say it, I really do. I want all the same things as everyone else who has a normal life. And I am determined to have it. It just might take a little longer for me." I felt bad for saying that because I knew how hard it must have been for Alex to finally gather up the courage to confess his real feelings only for me to not have the same thing to say in response. But luckily for me Alex was not like any other guy, he was kind and compassionate and more importantly he was understanding. He would get why I couldn't say it back. I smiled at him and leaned my forehead against his. "Don't worry, you'll hear me say it."
"I hope I do."
A few hours later
"So remind me again why I agreed to come to the gym with you guys?" I asked the two men standing in front of me who were grinning the same similar smirk that had been present on both their faces since we had gotten out of the car a few minutes earlier. I put my hands on my hips, looking between Alex and Chris and getting a bad feeling about what lay ahead of us this morning. I had worked out with Alex plenty of times before and he was enough of a hard ass to deal with. But add Chris into the mix and that was a mixture of pure craziness and unrelenting energy. I would be exhausted at the end of the next 2 hours with these two. I shook my head at them. "Oh this is not going to be fun?"
"What are you talking about? This is going to be great!" Chris exclaimed, elbowing me in the side and pretending to look offended that I would suggest he was anything less then fun to be around. "You said you wanted a real good work out and that's what you're going to get."
"Yea, but your idea of a good workout and my idea of one are completely different." I shot back with my eyebrows raised as I faced down my best friend. Chris and I had always had a playful sort of banter going between us and I was glad to still have that now after recent events. "No offense, but you both are like dictators in the gym."
"I do take offense at that. I am simply just very focused when it comes to working out." Alex frowned but there was an underlining smirk hidden under that supposed serious expression and it took all I had not to laugh in his face. "You're just not as energetic as us."
"Babe, no one is quite like you and Chris. You guys are completely one of a kind." I couldn't help but smile as I took note once again of the close bond these two shared. If I had just met them then it would have made me think they really were brothers, their closeness was just so strong and obvious. And I still marveled that I was apart of their group, that we were all so close that I considered them my family. They were even on my emergency medical contacts along with Jeff if I ever needed to go to the hospital. My real family wasn't even listed, but Alex and Chris were and I was reminded why as I stood there in front of them. "Alright, so should we just get this thing started?"
"I guess so...oh fuck!" Alex suddenly grumbled, his voice trailing off as his eyes shot across the room to the area somewhere behind me and I saw the fire of anger starting to flicker as an old look appeared on his face. "The devil himself just walked in."
"What are...Jesus Christ Alex, its just Bobby." I rolled my eyes after I had looked over my shoulder to find the source of his annoyance and sighed in relief that it was nothing more then just the dark haired Canadian who was approaching us. I watched Alex's face darken into what could only be considered a death glare as Bobby walked up and I turned around to greet him. "Hey Bobby."
"Hey Savannah..." Bobby said to me, looking over my shoulder and nodding his chin at the guys. "Alex, Chris..."
"Hey man, what's up?" Chris had the common courtesy to at least respond in kind, he didn't have a problem with Bobby at all. But Alex was his best friend and if Alex didn't like Bobby then Chris was obviously going to side with Alex. But at least he wasn't going to be rude about it. Or give Bobby glares like Alex was doing right now. "I don't think I've ever seen you in this gym before..."
"It's good to change up things once in a while." Bobby replied, glancing at Alex to see if he would respond and then choosing to break his gaze away which was the smart thing to do I think. Any prolonged eye contact might invite Alex to say something bad and the last thing I wanted to deal with was these two causing a scene. Bobby turned towards me hesitantly. "Um, I actually wanted to talk to you. Do you have a minute?"
"Sure. Uh,let's go outside for some privacy." I replied before Alex could butt in and tell me no which I know he so desperately wanted to do. Even as I was moving away from him and Chris, I could see out of the corner of my eye that his hands were raised like he was going to tug me back to him. I sent him a smile and said. "I'll be right back."
As I was following Bobby out the door, I could feel Alex's jealous eyes staring a hole through my back.
2 minutes later
"Soooo..." Bobby began to say once we had left the noise of the gym behind us and entered the empty and peacefully quiet hallways where we began to walk side by side just so we would have something to do as we talked. I could see by the tension in his face that he was nervous but I think it was more due to the after effect of the looks Alex was giving him when he asked to speak to me. But maybe it was also because this would be the first time we had really talked alone since he had confronted me about the rape. And even though we were still relative strangers, I felt like I had a friend in him now. After all, he was the first one to guess my secret and get me to talk about it, he couldn't do all that and not be considered my friend by now. I watched him cross his arms tightly over his broad chest before he went on with what he had been trying to ask. "So, how have you been doing?"
"That's why you pulled away from Alex and Chris and suffered Alex's death glares? To ask how I'm doing?" I questioned with one of my eyebrows raised curiously. Yes it was nice of him to ask me that, but I didn't think it warranted him asking to speak to me in private. But nonetheless, he was trying to be a nice guy and I had to appreciate his efforts. I tucked my hands under my arms and shrugged. "I guess I'm ok, some days and nights are better then others. But even when I'm having a bad time of things, it still isn't all that bad. Not like it was before."
"What changed between then and now?" He asked, coming to a stop by the wall and leaned his shoulder against it as he looked down at me with his dark eyes. "Is it because you're actually talking about what's bothering you?"
"That's exactly it. Ever since the truth came out, I feel no need to pretend like I don't understand why my mood is up and down. Nor do I feel like trying to hide it. There's no point anymore since the people closest to me know." I explained, playing with the end of my long blonde ponytail like I always did when I wasn't entirely comfortable with a conversation or where it was going. But I had spent enough time not feeling the things I should have, so I was trying to embrace the emotions that came and went these days. "I'm not saying that it's easier now that my loved ones know because talking about it is always going to be hard. But at least I'm not dealing with it alone anymore."
"See, that's kind of why I wanted to pull you side.." He replied with a slight frown to his stern features almost like he thought that whatever was about to come out of his mouth I was going to be offended by. And that sort of made me nervous, but I did my best to maintain an expression of neutrality when he spoke again. "I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I've been thinking that maybe you could benefit...from group therapy."
"Are you serious?" I felt my face pull back in surprise, whatever I was expecting him to say it certainly wasn't that. Therapy? Now that was an idea that had never been considered appropriate in my family growing up. My parents were the sort of people who didn't approve of the idea of telling their problems to a total stranger. Going to rehab for an addiction? Oh they completely supported that. But talking to a therapist was out of the question for them and my brother and sister. They were all just too proud to admit they could need that kind of help. So maybe that's why I didn't embrace the idea right off the bat. I looked at Bobby's expectant face. "Uh...to be honest, I never even entertained the idea."
"I guess that's to be expected. After all it did take you this long to open up to the people closest to you..." He nodded like he was having another conversation in his head. The expression in his eyes said that he was looking at me like I reminded him of his sister and with our similar situations, I guess that was to be expected. He felt a pull to do something, which I suppose was what he was doing now. "Savannah, I just think it might be helpful for you to be around other victims..."
"Look, I appreciate you coming to talk to me and I promise you I'm not offended by what you just said. But I really don't want to have this conversation right now." I tried my hardest to keep the harshness out of my tone as I spoke to him. But the truth was that I wasn't mad at all, just annoyed more at the situation. I felt like every day was bringing up these memories and reminders of the rape and I was getting tired of it. I was thankful for him keeping me in his thoughts, but I needed to halt this talk in its place. "I'm not dismissing you or anything. But I just want one day where I don't have to think about the rape or think about dealing with it. And its been like that every day since I told and the guys about it. And I just..need one day without it. One day where I can deal with normal things."
" I guess I need to respect that." Bobby nodded, holding up his hands to show he was indeed backing off this with out trying to push it even further. "I won't say anything more about it. But at least take my cell phone number in case you change your mind."
"It's a good thing you pulled me aside before you gave this to me..." I said with a smile as I took the small piece of paper and stuck it in the pocket of my hoodie. "If Alex saw this then he would flip his shit. He's majorly jealous of you, you know."
"But I'm only trying to be a friend..." Bobby exclaimed, looking confused like he had never heard of anyone being jealous of him before. "And I'm happily married with kids..."
"I'm guessing that Alex thinks that doesn't matter to you." I pointed out as we started walking back towards the gym door, my steps feeling lighter then before now that the seriousness was over and I could relax. "But just ignore him, he gets a little over reactive when it comes to me..."
"Sounds like the guy is madly in love.." Bobby said with a sly smile as we came to the doorway and prepared to part ways and I couldn't help but grin at his statement.
"I think that sounds about right."
40 minutes later
"Sooo, I guess he's still mad at me huh?"
"He's not mad, he's..." Chris tore his eyes away from the screen of the treadmill he was running on and followed my gaze across the gym to the opposite corner where Alex was violently hitting a punching bag with heavily taped fists as he had been doing since I walked back in here with Bobby. I thought we could just let it go and move about our morning like we always did when the three of us worked out together. But Alex apparently did not feel like letting it go, because once I rejoined him and Chris, he took off to the other side of the gym to do his own thing while Chris and I wandered over to the treadmills to get a good long run in. And for over the last half hour, we had been separated from each other because I didn't see any point in trying to talk to him when he was in this kind of mood. He would remain distant until it had passed and he was himself again. At least Chris was here with us, because if it had just been Alex and I then I probably would have been gone long ago. Chris lowered the speed he was running at so he could look over at me and I saw in his eyes that he knew I wasn't going to believe his claim that Alex wasn't sort of upset with me. "Ok, he's not mad. He's just jealous. And threatened..."
"By Bobby? Who I have barely spoken to over the course of the last two years? Who I have no history with?" I raised my eyebrows as I wiped the sweat off my forehead. I was still finding it hard to grasp that Alex was so jealous of Bobby for what seemed like no reason to me. Until recently, Bobby and I had hardly interacted. I didn't have the years of friendship with Bobby like I did with Alex and Chris. And more importantly, I had zero interest in Bobby. I returned Chris's look and said. "Alex is crazy if he thinks there is anything to be worried about."
"I've been saying Alex is crazy for years, he's just showing it a lot more these days. And I blame that on you." Chris smirked deviously at me, but more in playful attempt to lighten the mood which I did appreciate. "You did something to that boy and now he is off his rocker and getting jealous at everything even if it doesn't make sense."
"But we've all known each other for years, even before I came to TNA. Alex knows that if I'm with him then I wouldn't look at any one else..." My voice trailed off as I realized that was my first mistake in bringing out Alex's jealousy. Maybe it was my own reluctance to officially say we were a couple that was the problem. Yes, I had never expressed interest in anyone else, but perhaps Alex needed the title given to our relationship to make him more secure. "This is just ridiculous, Alex is being unreasonable."
"You're just noticing that now? You obviously don't know just how unreasonable that kid can be." Chris chided with a laugh that ended up bringing one out of me and nearly sent me stumbling on the treadmill. "Besides, it doesn't matter how crazy he seems in these short spurts. Because he'll get over it eventually. He knows you don't want anyone else."
"You sure he knows that? Because the way he stared at me when I walked back in makes me think that's not entirely true." I let my eyes drift back over to Alex who was removing the tape from his hands on his way over to a weight bench without even once looking over at us. I sighed and shook my head. "He told me he loved me this morning, did he tell you that?"
"No actually but I can't say I'm surprised. He's been wanting to say it to you for a while now and he just never felt like it was the right moment." Chris said knowingly like he had anticipated this moment once before. "He's been in love with you for years, I'm more surprised it took him this long to actually say the words."
"I was surprised too, but I guess I should have seen it coming. I knew how he felt about me, I just never let him say it." I reached over and turned my treadmill off before hoping down and turning to look at my friend. "So maybe that's why he gets so jealous without reason. He loves me and he's afraid of losing me."
"What did you say when he said it?" Chris asked, jumping down to the floor with his fingers combing through his messy hair. "Because I know you love him too..."
"I do, but its just not as easy for me to say those words." I knew Chris got where I was going with this because I saw comical smile slip a little bit. "And he knows that and understands why I can't say it right away. But I know he wants to hear it."
"It will happen, in it's own time." Chris said gently, sending a smile my way before he pat my shoulder with the edge of his fingers and I was once again grateful for my friendship with Chris. Our relationship ran so deep that I knew I would always have him as my best friend no matter what popped up. He always made things clearer for me when I couldn't do it for myself, just like now. "It's obvious to anyone who looks at you two together that you love him. And more importantly, Alex knows it. He wouldn't get so jealous if he didn't know that."
"You may have a point there..."
90 minutes later
"I'm just saying that he has no business trying to get closer to you. That's all I'm trying to say."
"For Chris sakes Alex, will you just give it a rest already and let it go?" I nearly snapped as I walked through the front door of my house and nearly threw my gym bag down on the floor before whirling around to face him as he shut the door with a thud. He had been ranting and raving the entire time we had been alone in the car after dropping Chris off at their house and despite my many,many attempts to get him to shut up, Alex just would not be quiet. He kept going on and on about how Bobby had some sort of hidden agenda, that his concern for me went beyond the boundaries of friendship and all sorts of shit like that. And I was really starting to get on my last nerve having being forced to listen to this. Hence why I was glaring at him this very instant. "I told you that all he wanted to do was suggest that I try group therapy. I said thanks but no thanks and that was the end of it. Why can't you let this just die already?"
"Because..." Alex snapped back like a toddler having a tantrum who was determined to have the last word. "Because I don't trust him. He wants you as more then a friend."
"Not this shit again." I exclaimed, throwing my hands up in the air before turning to stomp into the kitchen to get a drink. Alex was hot on my heels, not letting this go despite my quickly diminishing patience. I slammed the refrigerator door shut and twisted the cap off a bottle of water before taking a long drink. After I was done I lowered the bottle so I could see Alex. "You're crazy if you think we're discussing this again."
"No you're crazy if you think there's nothing to worry about." Alex hissed, moving across the floor towards me and took the water out of my hand and practically slammed it on the counter behind me. "Look at the facts, Bobby has never had a reason to talk to you this much before. And now he feels like its ok to just walk up to you any time you're in the same place to talk to you privately..."
"Because he understands what I'm going through, that's all there is to it. He is just trying to be a friend. Why don't you want to believe that?" I asked, never seeing this side of Alex's personality before and now that it was coming out so irrationally, I wasn't prepared to deal with it. There was no reason for his jealousy, I wanted him and only him. Just like I told Chris earlier. "Your jealousy is getting to be way too ridiculous..."
"I told you I'm not..." Alex began to protest, his face getting worked up for an argument but I had enough of it and went to shut him up. I grabbed his face in between my small palms and pressed my lips against his surprised mouth before he could think to pull away. It was the first time we had really kissed since I told him the truth and I had forgotten just how much it filled me with joy to be this close to him. He wasn't so surprised that he didn't kiss me back but he did end it rather quickly and pulled back with a frown. "What the hell..."
"That was to shut you up so I could get through to you. You can't be jealous of Bobby because he doesn't want me and I don't want him. You're the only one I want. You're the only one I will ever want. We're a couple aren't we?" I smirked when I saw the light bulb go off in his head at my statement and I knew I had scored a major point. So far I had been reluctant to say that we were a couple because the label terrified me. But then I remembered I had been through scarier things and saying Alex was my boyfriend was not even close to it. And after his confession this morning in bed, I guess it was what was considered a turning point and I no longer cared to not put an official title on us. I wanted this relationship no matter how hard I had to fight at it or how crazy Alex got. I looked at his still surprised face and shook my head as I moved past him. "I want you Alex, just you. So can we just drop this jealousy thing and move the fuck on already?"
"Uh...ok." Alex mumbled as I pat his shoulder on my way out the door and that seemed to snap him back into his original mood as he yelled. "But I still don't like Bobby!"
"And I still don't care."
