Song Inspiration: Smart In a Stupid Way - Steven Strait ft. Jen Crowe
Hours later, after Derek had put Christopher to bed, there was a gentle knock on Meredith's door. She hesitated answering, knowing that she looked like absolute hell – she could feel that her eyes were swollen, and she was betting that they were red as well, and her hair had to be a mess. She pulled her hair into a messy ponytail as she crossed the room.
"Meredith," Derek sighed, knocking on the door. She stood near the door, tracing her fingers over the grains in the oak wood, knowing that she had to open the door at some point or another. "I have the key," he said softly, a few long moments later. "Please open the door."
She moved her hand down to the doorknob, turning it gently as she came face to face with Derek. Her eyes scanned his; he looked like hell, too, his eyes darkened and bloodshot, his forehead wrinkled in concern. "May I come in?" he asked politely. She took a step back and nodded as he entered the guest bedroom.
"I'm sorry," he blurted as he sat down on the bed. Derek ran his fingers through his hair as he tried to think of what his next words should be. "I shouldn't have done that," he added. "It was completely inappropriate for me to kiss you like that."
"It's ok," Meredith sighed, shrugging her shoulders slightly as she sat down beside him.
"It's not," Derek said softly, "but thank you for saying so otherwise."
"I can go to a hotel," she shrugged in response, her voice flat and emotionless.
"Mer," Derek sighed heavily, his hands on his knees. "You don't have to do that."
"I don't want to cause any problems for you, Derek," Meredith replied. Silence surrounded them; the only audible sounds were the tick-tick-ticking of the Grandfather clock in the corner of the room, Meredith and Derek's even breaths, and – Meredith was convinced of it – her heartbeat. "I mean, I'm just a friend; kind of. And you're engaged."
Derek sighed. "I spoke with my lawyer. He's out of town until the second of the year."
"That's two weeks away, Derek," she said, her stare blank as she remembered that it was only the twentieth of December. "Are there any others?"
"The ones that I trust are all gone, Meredith. I don't want to half-ass this, and both of us end up screwed when this is over."
"Then it's settled," she said definitively, standing up from the bed. She quickly walked over to the closet – the one that Derek had insisted she put her clothes in. She whipped the door open and spread her arms out, grabbing all of her clothing in one fell swoop. Derek watched as she shoved her belongings – hangers and all – into her duffel bag. She thundered down the stairs clumsily, and Derek heard the front door open and slam shut. He heard the door open and close again, her curses wafting up the stairs into the bedroom, and Derek assumed that she had remembered that she needed a coat and her boots. The door slammed again.
Derek laughed as he walked slowly down the staircase. As he reached the bottom step, he could see her pacing around outside, gesticulating wildly, in the still-falling snow. He slipped his boots and coat on, and stepped out on to the porch.
"Where do you think you're going?" he called out to her, a smarmy grin crossing his lips; she stopped in her tracks, sending him an angry glare.
"I'm flying back to Boston until the second," she spat, beginning to pace again. "There's no reason for me to be here, Derek!" she yelled. "No reason at all," she added as he approached her.
"How do you suppose you'll get to the airport?" he asked cockily, the same grin on his face. "The roads are closed. Remember?"
"Oh," she faltered momentarily, her features softening for a split second before she became angry again, her cheeks burning with embarrassment. She stepped closer to him. "You!" she said as she poked him in the chest. "You are making this more difficult than necessary, Derek Shepherd. There really and truly is no reason for me to stay; I don't want to ruin your holidays."
"You won't." His smile was sincere now, and he reached out to touch her shoulder. She opened and closed her mouth, searching for the right words to say. "Chris would love it if you stayed."
"I have to get back to work," she whimpered, slightly defeated. "And Addison…"
"What about her?" Derek said nonchalantly, shrugging his shoulders.
"When did you tell her about me?" Meredith countered.
"After," he sighed truthfully, "she accepted my marriage proposal."
"She's upset that I'm here."
"She's just…," he paused, "jealous. Insecure. Please, Meredith, stay. You can't get to the airport anyways, they've canceled all the flights if you did get there, and it would be extremely expensive for you to fly back and forth with the holidays. Stop making excuses," he nodded, taking her chin in his hand, tilting her chin so her eyes were locked on his. "Please. It would mean a lot to me."
Meredith grumbled in response. "This is more difficult than it should be," she said again. She shivered, her teeth chattering in the winter wind. Her eyes filled with tears. "Why did you kiss me like that?" she whispered as a tear ran down her cheek.
"We should get inside," Derek said, as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder. "You're freezing cold, and we don't need any of those tears freezing to your face."
"You didn't answer my question," she whispered dejectedly, pouting slightly as they walked back toward the house, resting her head on his shoulder. They reached the porch; he scooped her bag up quickly, opening the door and setting her belongings down inside. "Derek…"
"That's because I don't have an answer." His voice cracked as the meaning of his words sank in. They stepped into the house together, and her eyes widened at his unexpected response. "Are you going to stay?"
"It seems I don't really have a choice," she replied simply, wiping a stray tear from her cheek. Derek nodded in response as he helped her slide her coat off. She involuntarily shivered when his fingertips brushed against her back.
"I'm just gonna… go upstairs," she sniffled. "Hang my stuff back up; maybe take a bath. Is that ok?"
"Of course it's ok," Derek responded softly. She nodded and picked her bag up from the floor. She looked down at the floor as she began her ascent up the stairs, daring herself not to look back at him.
X
She hung her clothes up slowly, thinking about Derek's words as she smoothed out the wrinkles.
"Chris would love it if you stayed."
How dare he use that sweet innocent little boy – the same little boy that had already experienced so much loss and sadness in his little life; she hated the idea of adding to it – as a device to get her to stay? She was getting attached to him, quickly falling in love with the toothless little boy that was, for the lack of a better term, her step-child. She could tell that he was falling in love with her, too, and it wasn't fair that they'd each end up heartbroken the minute that the divorce is final.
"What about her?"
What did he mean? Addison was his fiancée – plain and simple. But Derek was so nonchalant, so 'meh' about the entire situation that it made her head spin.
"That's because I don't have an answer."
When Derek had kissed her, it hadn't felt at all like they'd been separated for nearly five years. The sparks flew between them as if nothing had ever changed; he had literally taken her breath away.
But she had to stop it. Because if she hadn't… she didn't even want to think of the consequences.
XXX
Smart in a Stupid Way - Steven Strait and Jen Crowe She had eyes like crazy diamonds Chorus: The doors they close like eyelids Chorus Chorus Chorus:
Inuit feet of clay
they rolled the windows tight as they would go
It was a smoggy day
She looked up and asked me if I ever had a lover that I did not betray
And I turned on the radio and I looked the other way
She said you're smart, but in a stupid way
And this is the price that you pay
For being smart in a stupid way
You stand there staring while your lover walks away
Being smart, in a stupid way
The train just pulled away
Sometimes I smell the perfume that she was wearing that day
And i wonder if there's anyone that i'll ever love in any way
Maybe I'll grow up and be good someday
Maybe this pain I feel will go away
And this is the price that you pay
For being smart in a stupid way
You stand there staring while your lover walks away
Being smart, in a stupid way
So why is my heart so hollow
Why are my dreams so shallow
And why don't I ever have anything else to say
And why is my love so far away
And this is the price that you pay
For being smart in a stupid way
You stand there staring while your lover walks away
Being smart, in a stupid way.
