Guthrie cared about nothing else at this particular moment. He was enveloped in both Adam and Hannah's arms. They had fairly stormed his room just as a nurse had finished giving him a shot which hurt but all pain faded as he saw their faces.
"Adam!" He shouted, startling the nurse, and their arms were around him, kissing him.
"You are okay?" Hannah asked and Guthrie was shocked to see she was crying.
"Yeah." He said holding onto her arm. He turned to Adam who cried too. Holy crap. He thought and tried to fight down his own tears.
"He is okay?" Adam asked the nurse wiping his face. Guthrie was always impressed with Adam's ability to seem extraordinarily macho while expressing emotions or like now, while crying. Only Adam could make weeping over his baby brother seem like the act of a tough guy.
"He'll be fine. He was dehydrated and has pneumonia due to exposure. We pumped him full of antibiotics. That's a nasty sprain but he's okay. I just gave him a tetanus shot. No adventures for a bit, okay Guthrie?" She said.
Guthrie nodded from inside Hannah's arms. "You're Hannah," The nurse said smiling. "He's been asking for you since they brought him in; even asleep he was calling for you." Hannah glanced up at Adam, tears shinning in her beautiful eyes, her arms around Guthrie protectively. He nodded at her chewing the inside of his lip tamping down his anger.
Why hadn't Brian called them?
"We were out of town." He explained clearing his throat. "Word didn't reach us." Hannah's hurt look pained him and intensified his anger.
He's been asking for you.
"I'll leave you with your family, Guthrie. They'll bring a wheelchair so you can go home, but straight to bed." She patted his shoulder. "'Course I doubt your Mom here is gonna let you out of her site for awhile."
"Oh," Hannah began. "I'm not his . . ."
The nurse cut her off. "I know who you are. But yeah, you are. " She looked up at Adam who stood beside Guthrie and Hannah with an arm around them both. "Guthrie's been waiting for his mom and dad since they brought him in. It is a real pleasure meeting you." She left and Adam choked down a sob realizing how true her words were.
"They never called us, Guth." He explained horrified to think Guthrie had called for them and they weren't there.
"Crane told me." Guthrie said. "I knew it though. You wouldn't not come to me."
"Nothing would keep me away, buddy." Adam said kissing the top of his head.
"No way." Guthrie agreed with a smile.
"No chance in hell!" Hannah said shocking both her husband and little brother.
"Hannah!" Guthrie said surprised, "No cursing!"
"Sorry cowboy," She said through tears. "It's been a rough morning."
"You got that right, girl!" Adam said hugging them both close.
***7***
Brian and Crane sat still slumped in the chairs when Adam and Hannah emerged with Guthrie between them in a wheelchair pushed by a nurse. Crane reached out and hit Brian's arm. "Here they come." He said and they both rose.
"Adam," Brian began.
"Not now." Adam said his voice icy and tight. "Let's get Guthrie home." He did not meet Brian's gaze.
"Yeah, okay." Brian said feeling frightened. He hadn't felt like this in years and years. He remembered suddenly standing in front of his father trying to explain why the truck had scratch down its side.
"Here." Adam said slamming a bag into Crane's arms. It held Guthrie's clothes, filthy, bloodstained and torn. "We'll see you at the house."
The moved past them, and Crane felt shattered realizing that Hannah hadn't looked at him, or said a single word to him. He sighed deeply, standing beside Brian in the empty hallway watching as Adam, Hannah and Guthrie stepped out into the bright morning.
"Brian," He began.
"Yeah," Brian said. "You are right." He sighed again. "At least Guthrie's okay. That's all that really matters, right."
Crane nodded and they walked out to the jeep. They climbed in, and Brian put the key in the ignition but didn't turn it. He sat still and looking down.
"They thing is," He said at last, his voice sadder than Crane had ever heard it. "We hurt her. You can see it." He looked up at Crane. "I thought her being angry would be terrible, but this, this is worse."
Crane reached out and squeezed his arm. "Yeah, I know."
***7***
They got Guthrie settled in Adam and Hannah's bed. Adam had carried him into the house and stood at the bottom of the stairs waiting as Daniel, Evan and Ford gathered around him.
"Guthrie." Daniel said. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."
"That's okay." Guthrie said. "I was stupid for running off like I did. You were right. I was being obnoxious." Daniel sighed and a tear escaped making a long track down his cheek.
"Let me carry him up." Daniel said looking up at Adam.
Adam looked at Daniel. It was hard for him not to picture him as a little boy. Daniel had struggled during the years following their parent's deaths. They all had, but for Daniel it had been very difficult. Adam was used to seeing him as something very fragile, and he did even now. He knew whatever had happened, Daniel felt guilty. He nodded his head, and passed Guthrie over into Daniel's arms.
"Watch his knee." He told him, and he and Hannah followed them up the stairs, his brothers trailing behind. They tucked him into bed, and Hannah fussed over him, making sure he had enough blankets; enough pillows; was it too bright? too dark?
Guthrie was exhausted just from the drive home, and he fought to keep his eyes open. He was so happy to be home again; Happy to be in a warm, soft, familiar bed.
"Go to sleep, cowboy." Hannah said softly, seeing him fight to stay awake. "Everyone will still be here when you wake up." She kissed his forehead, and sat beside him, humming softly.
Daniel watched her, amazed and more sorry than ever that they hadn't called Adam and Hannah when Guthrie was first missing. He looked over at Adam and was not surprised to see his big brother had tears in his eyes as he watched his wife gently, lovingly mother Guthrie.
"He's sleeping." Brian said from the doorway, with Crane beside him. They were all crammed into the bedroom, and anyone looking in from outside would think it a loving and touching family scene, unaware of tension that bubbled just below the surface.
"Everybody out." Hannah said without looking up from Guthrie. "You boys are gonna tangle, and you better do it downstairs." She said.
"Hannah," Crane began.
"Not with me. You talk to him." She indicated Adam to her left. "I haven't got an ounce left in me to face it just now. You settle it with him. I'll stay here with Guthrie."
They all began to move silently from the room, Adam pausing just long enough to lean over and kiss her on the forehead. She turned then and faced all of them - her five brothers, who stood riddled with guilt looking back at her.
"I'm not angry, well I'm more than angry; mostly I'm just confused and hurt. I just don't understand it." Her eyes filled with tears and it felt like a blow - harder than any hit Brian had ever, ever taken from anyone. "You should have . . ." Her voice failed her. "Work it out with him." She said again. "Me and Adam are one person, so at least you'll only have to make us understand it once. You make it right with him, and we're good too."
They nodded at her and filed down the stairs in complete silence, Adam last out of the room, closed the door behind him, but not before he looked at her and asked, "You okay, girl?" She shook her head at him, the light from outside making the edge of her curls shine as they bounced. "Not just yet. You fix it for me."
"It's a promise, girl."
***7***
Adam stepped down off the last step and turned to them. They all sat looking absolutely miserable and he would've laughed, if he weren't so angry. It would have been enough that they had left him out - not calling and telling him about Guthrie, but they had hurt Hannah, deeply. Her pain compound his anger a million times. And all the while he kept hearing it over and over in his head.
He was asking for you.
He stood silent in front of them, and his jaw ached. He turned his head from side to side, stretching his sore neck. He'd slept cramped in the truck, only to come home to turmoil, and a baby brother who was sick and injured.
"I don't want to yell." He began. "I don't want to . . ." He stopped himself feeling a rage getting away from him. "Explain to me. Brian, explain why you didn't think Guthrie being lost and hurt was important enough to call us." His voice was so sharp and bitter that Brian didn't even recognize it.
"Adam, it wasn't like that." Brian began realizing that he already wasn't off to a good start.
"Then tell me what it was like, brother! He was lost for thirty-seven hours! I read about it in the paper! She read about it in the paper!" He pointed upstairs to where Hannah sat with their baby brother.
"Adam!" Brian said. "We thought at first, he'd just lost track of time, and then we were in the middle of it; looking for him."
"Someone was home. We checked in twice. She talked to you!" He said pointing to Ford, who shrunk down. Evan moved over, and sat in front of Ford protectively.
"Leave him out of it, Adam! He did what Brian and Crane told him to do! He wanted to tell you!" Evan raised his voice, and Adam stepped closer, the vein on his neck bulging.
"Is that true? Ford?" Adam said, but his voice was loud and angry, and Ford couldn't speak. He clung to Evan's arm hiding his face. Adam spun around and faced his oldest brothers.
"You aren't boys! You are grown men! Hannah's reminding me of that all the time when I try to baby you! You made him lie to me? You made him lie to her?" He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Are you stupid? He hates lying! You know that! Hell, I don't think he's ever told a single lie, have you Ford? Why? So we didn't know you'd messed up? You were trying to cover your asses?" He spun away from them, afraid he would actually hit his brothers. He stormed out into the cold morning air and stood fuming on the front porch. It was late morning but still so icy cold, and he realized that Guthrie had been out in it, wet and hurt, just twelve hours ago. He felt a powerful need to smash something and turned, nearly running down the steps and walking around the side of the house, he began to furiously chop firewood.
He knew Crane was standing beside him, but didn't stop or acknowledge him. He continued to slam the ax into the wood watching it split before reaching for another piece. Crane watched him for a few minutes and then slowly began to stack the pieces that Adam cut. They went on for this for a good half hour until Adam was drenched in sweat. He stopped then, setting the ax aside and leaning against the tall pile of wood, now made even taller from his anger.
"He was really mopey the first day. I never realized how much he depended on her. He was homesick and you weren't gone twelve hours." Crane said. "Then on the second day, Daniel's band was practicing in the barn and I had to get that feed order done. I knew I should check in with him, but I was busy. So I didn't. I guess he hung around Daniel, but Daniel threw him out. We all sat down for dinner and he wasn't there. We thought he was in the barn because the band was still there. But he wasn't. We thought, he'd lost track of time, you know, like he does. But then the rain started." Crane looked down at his feet.
"We called Ed, and started searching. I just wanted to wait. I thought, he's just off somewhere. I couldn't bear the thought of her worrying. She would've been so . . .and the next thing I know, the whole town's here and all I can think about is him. He was always so small and the way he would cling to you, remember?" Crane was crying now. "God, Adam, I'm so sorry. You can't know how sorry. It was stupid! It was so wrong!"
Adam looked away. "When I was fifteen, I left Ford at the mercantile, and went to the movies. He was three. Mom told me to watch him, and I forgot. I was talking to Jimmy and he told me that a bunch of guys were going to the movies. I just went. Didn't even think about it, until the movie let out! God, I panicked then. I knew mom would kill me! I ran back to the mercantile and he was gone. They'd called mom, and she had come and got him. I couldn't for the life of me go home. What was I gonna say to her?"
"I don't remember that." Crane said.
"I stayed away for hours. Dad finally came and got me. I remember seeing him in the old red pickup. I was so afraid to walk over there, but more afraid of him coming out and getting me."
"What did he do?"
"He waited. God, Dad was the most patient man, and he was so smart. I was such a jackass that whole last year. I regret it so much. I kept acting like I knew everything and he had nothing to teach me anymore." Adam shook his head thinking about it. "Anyway, I climbed up into that old truck and he didn't say anything at all. The whole drive home was quiet. Finally, we got to the house and he said, 'Everyone gets stupid every now and then, Junior. I once reached my hand out to pick up a running table saw - I was inches from cutting my hand clean off! Just try and keep your stupid times away from women - especially pregnant ones.'" Adam looked up at Crane. "Mom was expecting Guthrie then. He said, 'I'm not gonna lie, Junior. Your Mama's pretty pissed at you right now. You just be a man and don't try to cover it up. Tell you were an idiot - which you were, and that you are sorry - which you are, and let her tide of anger wash over you. She's your Mama, Junior. She can't help but love you, even when you are an idiot.'"
Adam exhaled feeling some of his tension drop away. "The thing is, she didn't yell. She didn't say a word. She just looked kind of sad, and I felt like hell. I made her sad. It was worse than anything, you know?"
"Yeah." Crane said. "God, I'm sorry, Adam."
"What if he had died?" Adam said meeting Crane's eyes. "What if he had fallen over that cliff and broken his neck?"
"I know." Crane said. "I know, Adam. I haven't thought about anything else."
"If we had come home yesterday, he would still have been lost. We would have pulled up to this house and seen the sheriff, search and rescue - Crane it was stupid."
"It wasn't him." Brian said startling them. "It was me. It was my idea. I just didn't want to worry you - it was like Crane said. He is always wandering off."
"Brian! You were in charge!" Adam felt his heart rate pick up.
"Yeah, I was. And I'm taking responsibility for it. Don't be angry with Crane or Ford. I'm the one who screwed up. I'm the jackass."
Adam shook his head looking from Crane to Brian. He turned away from them, and looked out beyond the barn to all the land that stretched and stretched for miles. He could see far in the distance the green line of trees where the National Forest began. He could picture Guthrie hurt, and cold, slowly trying to make his way back.
"If she had been away, visiting friends or something, I wouldn't have called her." He said turning back to them. "Why would I call her? So she can worry? So she can come racing home and maybe get in a wreck?" Brian and Crane looked up at him surprised. "I would've wanted her here, but I wouldn't have called her." He rubbed his face with his hands feeling like he'd been awake for days, just like they had. He couldn't believe it wasn't even noon yet. He looked up at Crane.
"The thing is she's gonna be pretty pissed for awhile. You just be men and accept responsibility for it, and tell her you were stupid, which you were, and tell her how sorry you are - which you are, and you just wait for her tide to of anger to wash over you." Crane smiled at him through tears, and nodded his head at Adam.
"Hannah's family, you assholes, she can't help but love you. Although, to be honest, sometimes I can't figure why." He sighed. "'Course, I can't figure why she loves me either. Lord knows, I've hurt her more than once. I imagine I will again, and so will you." Adam said and reaching out he squeezed Brian's arm, and patted Crane's cheek, as he passed by them and went into the house where his younger brothers stood at the window watching them.
***7***
He gathered the younger ones around him. "Brian and Crane sort of explained things. It was pretty stupid. I'm just glad that Guthrie's okay." He looked over at Daniel who looked miserable.
"It was really my fault, Adam." He said. "If I had just let him sit in on practice. . ."
"But you didn't." Adam said. "You can't change that. And getting annoyed with a little brother is no federal crime, Danny and you know it. As to what happened after, Brian bears the responsibility for that. You boys are supposed to do what he says. So, you got no reason for guilt, Ford. I know you aren't a liar, and so does Hannah." He watched his little brother fight a battle with tears, and he thought again how much Ford reminded him of his mother - gentle, and quiet.
"Hey," He said crossing to where Ford stood staring at the ground. He pulled him into his arms, and discovered Ford was shaking, from head to toe. "Shh." He said holding him tight against his chest.
"I'm so sorry." Ford said sobbing.
"You are forgiven already." Adam said kissing his forehead. He thought again about the wonder of life. The same tragedy that ripped his parents from him, let him spend all these years with his younger brothers - boys he would never really have known if he had gone off to college. "Come on, you're coming up with me." He said to Ford, knowing only one thing would soothe his sweet and sensitive brother.
"I can't." He said. "I'm too ashamed."
"Come on." Adam said and he pulled Ford along with him up the stairs.
Guthrie was completely asleep and Hannah half way there, laying next to him. Adam crossed the room and sat beside her on the bed. Ford stood in the doorway.
"She's asleep, Adam." He said. "Never . . ."
"I'm awake." She sat up and looked at Adam who kissed her. "Okay?" She asked.
"Yeah. I'm pretty sure you won't have any trouble finding help with chores for a bit, girl." He smiled at her. "This one here is pretty confident you don't love him any more." He nodded his head toward Ford.
She rose up out of the bed, and went to him. "I'm so sorry, Ford." She said. "I was so upset and worried about Guthrie, which is no excuse to be so mean to you. Please, say you'll forgive me."
Adam smiled watching her, and thought again how lucky he was; how lucky they all were. She was an angel; his angel.
"Oh." Ford said looking down. "Forgive you? But I'm the one who lied."
"No you didn't." She said gently. "Was he home when I called?" She asked him, and Ford shook his head, still not looking up at her.
"I asked if he was home, and you said no." She lifted his chin with her fingers. "Hon, you didn't lie to me, and even if you had, I would still forgive you." She watched his bright blue eyes fill with tears and she pulled him into her arms.
"I'm sorry, Hannah. I never should have . . ." He sobbed against her shoulder. "I should have said something."
"Hush, now." She said. "I forgive you." She held him until his tears slowed and then she moved a half step away so she could see his eyes. "You're my brother, Ford. I love you. You can't be afraid some day I'll stop. It isn't possible. We are family."
He nodded slowly, and she smiled at him, wiping his tears with her fingers. "Now, you go get some sleep, honey. You must be so exhausted. You haven't slept at all, have you? You've been worrying and worrying over it."
He nodded his head and turned to go, pausing just long enough to kiss her on the cheek. "I love you too, Hannah." He said soft as a whisper. She smiled as he left, and sat down next to Adam on the bed.
"Well?" She asked.
"It was just stupidity, darlin'. They thought he'd wandered off, and then they realized they should have called already. I don't know. It was just stupid, I guess. And maybe they wanted to protect us too. They wanted to wait until they found him, so they could say it was alright." He reached for her hand and glanced at Guthrie who sighed contentedly in sleep.
"Poor Brian." She said looking at him. "He hates screwing up in front of you."
"What?"
"Let's face it, Adam. As far as big brothers go, you are a pretty hard act to follow."
"Pssh." He said. "I've screwed up more times than I can count."
"Not in their eyes." She said.
"Now, when exactly did I tell you, you'd be living with my brothers?" He asked her grinning.
"Well, there was that. They enjoyed that quite a bit I think."
"They sure like watching me suffer. Maybe I should make them suffer more." He looked at her. "You can do it. They are all terrified of you right now."
"Me? I'm barely taller than Guthrie!" She said.
"Height's got nothing to do with it, girl." She lay back on the bed, perpendicular to where Guthrie lay sleeping.
"God, I am so tired. Between you and your brothers I am worn out! Next time, they offer us a trip, let's stay home. Vacations are exhausting."
He laughed and stretched out on his side, beside her, resting his head on his hand, his other one resting on her. "You curl up next to Guthrie." He said. "I'll keep an eye on things."
"I ought to go down, and let them know, I forgive them." She said yawning.
"Later." He told her, moving so she could stretch out next to Guthrie. He grabbed a quilt from the armchair and covered her, sitting beside her.
"I'm gonna propose to you again, later." He said and she laughed.
"Hoping for a free dinner?" She asked.
"No, I'm hoping you'll say yes still." His fingers danced lightly over her face.
"Only one way to find out." She said with a wink.
"I love you, Hannah Joy." He said as she closed her eyes.
"I'm glad." She said softly. "That ring I gave you was pretty expensive."
"You are trouble, girl, you know that?" He said leaning over her and kissing her.
"Damn straight." She said.
"Watch your language." He said laughing. "You spend too much time with cowboys."
"Don't be jealous, honey. You are still my favorite cowboy."
"I better be." He kissed her again. "No banker would ever give you this much excitement. You remember that."
He crossed the room and sat down in the armchair that faced the bed. He sat for a long time watching them sleep, when he realized suddenly that it was just like his dream - the two of them lying together like that. It sent a strange sensation through him, and he felt an odd sense of peace come over him. It was his dream, but they were not lost, and he was not all alone. He fell asleep then, exhausting finally winning out.
***7***
The fog was thick and he pushed his way through it. The only sound, his footsteps. He felt a panic rising as he could not find anyone. His heartbeats loud as thunder echoed through the forest that was covered in a fog so thick he could not find his way. He saw them then, in the distance. They were standing together in a circle of clear, sunshine. They laughed seeing him, and waved him towards them. He ran to them, and found himself accepted into their circle. He glanced around their faces, surprised she wasn't there but turned as they pointed to the center, where she waited for him. Her smile pushed the surrounding fog further and further away and he danced with her as his brothers looked on smiling.
