Spring 1988
He was in Cabo on Spring Break. He had heard Chandler talking about it with Kip and ended up inviting himself. It became a group with Kip, Gandalf, Carol, Lizzie, Jonathan and Sam. He was happy that Jonathan and Sam were with him because when he needed a break from Chandler, Kip, and Gandalf, he could hang out with his real friends. He was also starting to get closer to Carol. He liked being with her, liked hanging out with her. It took his mind off Rachel. He now knew Monica would be most likely be attending a culinary school in the city and Rachel would be staying Long Island. He knew it would be official, Rachel would no longer be in their lives. It made him sad and he was thankful to be lying on the beach in Cabo.
"Dude...are you planning on actually walking on the surface of the sun?" Chandler asked as he took off his headphones. Ross was applying a layer of sunscreen on himself. It was a heavy layer, a high SPF.
"I burn easily," Ross said.
"What's the SPF is that?" Chandler asked, picking up the tube of sunscreen from Ross' chair and looked at it. "Hmmm, I didn't even know they made SPF 1000."
"Yeah, I had to specially order that," Ross said, quite proud of himself.
"You make me sad," Chandler said.
"And when I'm still pasty and white while you're all red and burnt, I'll sit back and laugh," Ross said.
"That'll show me," Chandler grinned.
"So Ross...your sister is graduating high school? Is she going to NYU?" Lizzie asked.
"No, she's going to culinary school. Rachel's not going to NYU either," Ross said, sounding sad.
"You have a girlfriend," Chandler said.
"Yeah...but...Rachel. She's beautiful. Perfect. I had a dream I married her," Ross said, although he was doubting that was true. To be honest, he was now just saying stuff like that because he knew it pissed off Chandler.
"Huh, fat chance of that happening. The day you marry Rachel, I'll marry your sister," Chandler said.
"What?" Ross asked.
"What?" Lizzie asked.
"It was a joke...like he's not going to marry Rachel and I'm not going to marry his sister because I will marry you, Liz...it was a joke," Chandler said.
"And not one of your better ones," Ross muttered to which Chandler let out a snort. Ross lay back down on a chair and grabbed the book he was reading when Kip ran over to them.
"Alright, alright...I got my roommate for next year," Kip said.
"That's what you're looking for on Spring Break?" Chandler asked.
"No, but okay...you know Gandalf? Well, okay...he just got us all hook ups to this bikini Hawaiian Tropic contest going on. Booze and hot chicks in bikinis," Kip said.
"Well, that's my idea of a perfect weekend," Lizzie mused.
"That sounds amazing. But do you girls wanna go?" Chandler asked, looking over at Lizzie.
"Carol wants to go. She was super excited about it," Kip said.
"Really?" Ross asked. He always thought that was cool of Carol, how she wasn't one of those types of girls that got jealous easily.
"Yeah. Liz, you gotta come," Kip said.
"Alright, fine...I'll come. On one condition, Chandler, the minute you get a hard on, we're leaving and having sex," Lizzie said.
"That's perfectly okay with me," Chandler grinned.
"I'll let Gandalf know," Kip said, running off, leaving Ross, Chandler and Lizzie to ponder about this bikini contest.
"Carol's odd," Lizzie said.
"Why do you say that?" Ross asked.
"I think she's lesbian, Ross," Lizzie said.
"No, she's not...she's just curious about the female form," Ross said, thinking that was an odd statement for her to make. She was the one that wanted him to be with Carol and now she thought Carol was a lesbian? He made a mental note to ask about it later because his mind went to another thing. Another topic. He hadn't brought up the roommate thing yet, but Chandler was not going to be Kip's roommate? He had wanted to be Chandler's roommate but hearing that Chandler still wanted to be his was shocking.
"Yeah...it's just...you're probably right," Lizzie said.
"I am...wait, Chandler...Kip's not gonna be your roommate next year?"
"No...you are."
"Really?"
"Yeah...why does that shock you?" Chandler asked.
"Well, after you took a bat to my humidifier last week, I thought that would be the end of it," Ross said, partly joking.
"You took a bat to his humidifier?" Lizzie asked.
"Yep...and if you bring another one next year, I'll be bringing a bigger bat," Chandler said.
"Duly noted," Ross said, smiling a little.
"You really are shocked about that...about me wanting to be your roommate?" Chandler asked.
"Well, no...I thought you hated me," Ross said.
"I did...but after Thanksgiving, you've sort of started to grow on me," Chandler said as he put his headphones on and continued to read. Ross continued to read as well until they were summoned for the Hawaiian Tropic Bikini Contest. It was there though that he kept watching Carol and thinking about what Lizzie had told him.
"Do you really think she's a lesbian?" Ross asked as he stood with Lizzie watching the show. Chandler was drinking with Gandalf and Kip and Carol had walked towards one of the many outdoor bars to get a drink.
"No, no….it was-"
"You're the one who set me up."
"I know, I know it's just….okay, a couple weeks ago, Susan and I and Carol and her roommate, Jessica were all hanging out and we were drinking wine coolers and stuff and Carol and Susan kissed."
"Oh my G-d, it's like what happens in my imagination," Ross mused.
"I'm sure it was just….the wine coolers, but they really got into it."
"You think she's a lesbian?"
"I might be wrong."
"I like this girl."
"I know. I'm sorry. Seriously, I'm completely wrong," Lizzie said.
"If you turn out to be right, I'm gonna...I'm-I'm-I am gonna dump you in a vat of Hawaiian Tropic."
"Deal. But, by the way, thank you for agreeing to be Chandler's roommate again. You're a good influence and I really don't want Kip or Gandalf to be his roommates."
"Me neither. Besides, he's a good guy," Ross said as Chandler stumbled towards them, placing his arm around Lizzie.
"Okay, Lizzie….you are so much hotter than those Hawaiian Tropic Girls. Ross, isn't she like so much hotter," Chandler said.
"Well, Ross once said I looked like his sister so probably not," Lizzie said.
"Oh, but Ross' sister is ho-ot. Ot. Ot….ho-ot," Chandler said.
"You know, Chandler….do you like my sister?" Ross asked.
"Yeah, I think you have a crush on his sister," Lizzie said.
"No. No, I do not. I like you," Chandler said.
"You're gonna marry his sister," Lizzie teased.
"No, I'm marrying you. You wanna marry me?" Chandler asked.
"Not right now. Not particularly," Lizzie said.
"Okay, that'll work. I wanna go objective women, come with me," Chandler said, pulling Lizzie away from Ross as Carol approached them with two coconuts filled with booze. She handed one to Ross. The two clicked their coconuts together and drank.
"How wasted is he?" Carol asked.
"I'm not sure he's going to even remember this trip when it's done."
"She's too good for him."
"Yeah, Carol….can I ask you something? Lizzie mentioned something about a game….and wine coolers….and you and her roommate….did you…..well-"
"Kiss?" Carol asked.
"Yes."
"Well, yeah….but it meant nothing, Ross. I'm not a lesbian. I was experimenting. I really wish she hadn't said anything," Carol said.
"Okay….but it meant nothing?"
"Nothing, Ross. I mean, look….okay, I came from a really small town and I just….wanna play. You've never experimented? You never wanted to kiss Chandler?"
"Kiss or kill? Kill, yes. Kiss, no," Ross said.
"It meant nothing."
"Okay," Ross said, he would take her word for it. He couldn't do anything other than just take her word for it. Carol did enjoy the show but so did everyone, even Lizzie got into it. Maybe he was overreacting, putting too much weight on what Lizzie was saying. After all, Lizzie had issues of her own.
The next day, Gandalf had invited the group of about twenty to join him on his yacht which he had stocked with booze and food. They would take the yacht back up towards New York. Ross had never done anything quite like that and felt that maybe it would be fun. From the beginning though, it seemed that all they would be doing would be drinking. Gandalf walked over to Carol, Ross, Kip, Chandler and Lizzie with a giant tray of shots. Everyone but Ross grabbed one, he really wasn't in the mood and this scene reminded him of the Pimp Keymaster guy in his comic books. He looked over at Sam and Jonathan who were playing ping pong at a table that had been set up.
"Ross, what's wrong with you?" Gandalf asked.
"I'm not twenty one. It's illegal for me to drink. It's illegal for any of us to drink. We can get in a lot of trouble," Ross said, realizing how dumb he sounded. He didn't mean to sound like tool, but he was annoyed. Why did they have to drink that much?
"Are you for real?" Gandalf asked.
"I'm telling you, he's a fruitcake," Kip said.
"I am not...I'm Jewish," Ross said, trying to make joke.
"What?" Kip asked.
"I...I don't like fruitcake...I'm Jewish..." Ross looked at Chandler who just let out a snort and patted him on the back.
"He was making a joke. Fruitcakes...not typically a Jewish food. He's Jewish, not a fruitcake. Don't you get intellectual humor? G-d, for a wizard, you sure are stupid," Chandler said.
"Hey, now. Drink up, funny boy," Gandalf said.
Chandler grinned as he looked over at Ross who simply mouthed, "thank you" to him. Chandler smiled and nodded.
"Alright...Ross...let's do this. Mom and dad aren't here. We're not driving. It's easy, just chug it back," Chandler said.
"Fine, I will...fine. I'm breaking the law," Ross said.
Chandler laughed as the group downed their shots. Chandler looked over at Ross as he started hacking. Gandalf and Kip immediately left to go get more shots and were soon joined by several very attractive girls who had been in the competition earlier that day, which left Carol, Ross, Chandler and Lizzie sitting on the couch.
"You alright there, Sparky?" Chandler asked.
"I'm fine," Ross said.
"He's not much of a drinker," Carol said.
"That's good. Neither am I. I hate that Chandler is," Lizzie said.
"I drink 'cause it's fun. Some kids grow up around toys and games...I grew up around booze and drugs," Chandler said.
"That's sad," Ross said.
"It was it is," Chandler said.
Gandalf and Kip walked back to the table carrying more shots which they immediately passed around.
"More...more and Bing, we got beer pong set up on deck. You on?" Gandolf asked.
"Oh, you better believe it," Chandler grinned as he took another shot. Ross rolled his eyes and got up to join Jonathan and Sam at the ping pong table. They stopped playing when he approached them.
"You done playing with the popular kids?" Sam asked, joking.
"Yeah, this whole thing is ridiculous. Why is this fun?" Ross asked.
"Gandalf is the Keymaster," Jonathan mused.
"No, it's Pimp. Gandalf is a douche." Ross said as he watched his friends continue to play ping pong until Gandalf informed them that the table was going to now be a beer pong table. Ross stepped back as the game began and Chandler seemed to be the king of Beer Pong. Chandler beat everyone. He would get drunker and drunker. After Ross tried to beat him and lost, he stepped back and noticed Lizzie had vanished. He looked around and slowly walked up towards the back the boat and saw her sitting alone, staring out into the darkened sea with her arms around her knees. She looked like she had been crying.
"Hey, you alright?" Ross asked.
"You told Carol."
"Sorry."
"It's okay. It's not why I'm upset."
"Why are you upset?"
"I don't know. I was…..I was so excited to be in New York, to live here and I've been here now for seven months and in the past seven months, all I've done is clean up after Chandler. I haven't done anything I've wanted to do and I feel like I'm losing myself. I don't know….I'm glad you're gonna stay his roommate," Lizzie said as she wiped the tears away from her face.
"Hey, you okay?" Carol asked as she approached them. She sat next to Lizzie and put her arm around her, gently hugging her.
"Yeah. Just….thinking," Lizzie said. "I'm sorry I told Ross about the wine cooler incident."
"It's alright."
"Why are you still with him?" Ross asked. "Chandler. I mean, he is my friend but if he's making you this upset-"
"Yeah, I can set you up with someone. I know people," Carol said.
"No, no…..I wanna stick with him….I just have to find myself," Lizzie said. "I'm gonna go find him."
Lizzie got up and disappeared down to another level of the boat where beer pong was going and Chandler was winning one game after the other. Ross and Carol were left alone as they sat there listening to the sounds of partying downstairs.
"So you're not a party guy?"
"Not really and not too much of a drinker. I don't know, it never interested me. I'd rather get to know someone."
"Everything I did was so strict growing up. We had rules and what we could and couldn't do. I remember telling my parents I wanted to go to NYU. I wanted to go to New York. They were pissed. I'm not going back. I wanna experience everything. I want to live and be free. I just-"
Ross was barely listening. He kept watching her and as she talked, he decided to make a move. He leaned in and suddenly kissed her. He had never done that never kissed a girl and to his surprise, she kissed back. It felt nice, felt worth it. He would have to tell Chandler….and of course, Jonathan and Sam.
He told Jonathan and Sam first and would have told Chandler but from the moment Chandler woke up to the minute he passed out, he was drinking. It almost frightened Ross just how drunk Chandler was between the pill popping and the constant drinking, it scared him. This just wasn't Ross' world. He did not see the point of this or understand why it was fun. He did try to let loose. He drank but never to the point of being unable to function and it wasn't something he could see as being fun.
It was the ending of the trip and Ross was having a dream that someone was licking him, when he heard Chandler's voice telling something to go away. Ross groaned as he sat up and Chandler sat next to him. They were surrounded by passed out people.
"Got a new girlfriend?" Chandler asked.
"What? I felt something licking me...what was that?" Ross asked.
"A dog," Chandler.
"What?"
"A seal."
"Seriously?"
"Yeah."
Ross let out an annoyed sigh as Chandler sat next to him.
"I can't do this, Chandler. I can't party like you. I mean, this whole week...I don't know how you do it, man."
"You want Vicodin?"
"No."
"It cures hangovers."
"I don't care. So...what are you doing this summer?"
"Be home. Relax. My mom will probably have parties."
"Doesn't this get old?" Ross asked.
"No...it's more fun to do this. To live like this...when you drink, you don't have to deal. Ross, what was the worse thing that's ever happened to you?"
"I was mugged when I was fourteen. Some like six foot tall...thug. Scary dude. He had a machete. He was burly too," Ross said, of course not revealing the truth.
"Hmmmm...I had one of my mom's boyfriends feel me up once. Every time he'd spank me, he'd get a hard on. Then one day he actually decided to well...assault me. I never told anyone...except Liz. Where I grew up, Ross...it was different from where you grew up."
"We all have crap, you know," Ross said although he felt like that was the worst thing for him to say. Lizzie had been right, Chandler really hadn't been given a chance. That was the story Lizzie had started to tell him after Thanksgiving but didn't. How many times had this guy been assaulted in his life?
"I know."
"I'm sorry you've gone through all that shit. That's...you never told your mom?"
"I think she knew...somehow. I grew up in a house where I wasn't really allowed to be a kid. I never got that opportunity. The first kids party I ever went to. I was like nine, ten years old and my nanny took me to a New Years party. I was so nervous and there was this really nice girl there. I never got to have a kids birthday party. I mean...I grew up really fast...I was really lonely a lot of the time. I had no friends. Not 'till I went to boarding school," Chandler said.
I didn't have a lot of friends growing up either," Ross said.
"Not even Rachel?" Chandler asked, grinning. Ross let out a snort.
"You hate her, don't you?"
"She's a horrible human being. I knew her at camp and she was evil and...can I tell you a secret?"
"What?" Ross asked.
"I uh...saw her once at a game...at Lincoln High...my buddies and I went to see her and um...well, then she was such a bitch that I covered her car with peanut butter."
"Oh, my G-d...that was you?" Ross asked, his eyes widening. He remembered that game so vividly. He remembered the day.
"Yep."
"I'm the guy who told you what car it was," Ross said.
"What?"
"I remember that game and I always felt so bad because I remembered this guy coming up to Monica and I and asking where Rachel's car was."
"Thanks for letting me know," Chandler said.
"Unbelievable...hey, what does coyote mean?" Ross asked.
"In camp, I told Rachel that she reminded me of Wylie Coyote. The best part of the cartoon is when the coyote runs off a cliff and I was waiting for her to run off a cliff."
That was bizarre. Rachel's reaction also struck him. He remembered that. She was in hysterics. He remembered the rumors and Chandler's prank, unbeknownst to Chandler, may have happened soon after she had the rumored abortion. He couldn't say anything though. Nothing had ever been confirmed.
"Oh...she was really upset about that. She was crying and everything...I tried to comfort her but she called me an idiot. Why were you there anyway?"
"We heard a rumor she was a hermaphrodite."
Ross looked at Chandler. He shook his head and let out a laugh. Was he joking?
"Oh my G-d...I can't believe the rumor was that widespread."
"What?"
"My buddy Will and I made that up."
"She's not a hermaphrodite?"
"No."
"Hmmmm, no wonder she punched my buddy Tyler in the face," Chandler mused. "Hope you're not mad, though."
"No...just go easy on those pills, alright? And the booze," Ross said. Chandler let out an annoyed sigh.
"Dude, why do you care that much? I mean...I've been a big jerk to you. I destroyed your humidifier."
"I know...I don't know. I feel for you. You seem like the kinda guy who just needs someone to give him a break."
"Thanks," Chandler said, "so how are things with Carol?"
"Good...I think next year, I'm gonna change the rules about having girls sleep in our room. I think Lizzie and Carol would liven up the space," Ross said.
"I agree...thanks for putting up with me, by the way."
"Same here."
"I'm really not a bad guy, though. I'm not. I just….I like this. Being around people. Drinking. Making sure I disappear. Sometimes I think, I could just jump in the water and swim and no one would ever miss me," Chandler said.
"I'd miss you. Lizzie would. You gotta treat her better, man. I mean, really."
"I know I do."
"I kissed Carol," Ross said.
"Nice…..can I ask you something about the not having the girls sleep in our room rule, was that to protect Liz?" Chandler asked.
"Yeah. She needs a break. I don't know. I've never dealt with this. ="
"I don't have a problem. I don't how else I'm supposed to make that clear, I don't have a problem."
"You've been drunk the entire trip," Ross said.
"It's Spring Break."
"Fine. I'm done arguing but….I'm not giving up on you, Bing. I think you've had a lot of people give up on you or leave. I'm not going to be that person. I'm making that promise."
"I'd give up on me."
"I know. But you have a friend. I'm it. A real friend. I may not have had a lot of friends in high school, but I didn't care because the ones I had are still there and also 'cause here's something you may have already figured out about the Geller's. We don't give up on people we care about."
"Thank you," Chandler said as soon they were joined by Carol and Lizzie. The two couples talked for a bit before heading off in search of breakfast and calling an end to this spring break of 1988.
