AN: Yeah, another one. Just so you know, I've got, like, two more meaningless oneshots this close to being ready for upload for this collection.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
My Blue Heaven
Written by Becks Rylynn
/9/
Title: With the Laughing Face
Prompt: 6.02; Two and a Half Men
Characters/Pairing(s): Dean. Lila Bray. Shapeshifter!Bobby John from 6.02. Ben. Ruby. Lisa. Teeny tiny bit of Sam.
Rating: T
Genre: Humor/Drama
Words: 3,618
Notes: Lila Bray 'verse. Title from the song Nancy (With the Laughing Face) by Frank Sinatra (which isn't really a song written about Frank's daughter, but it was commonly believed to be about Nancy Sinatra so the original writers of the song just kind of let it slide and then the myth grew).
Taking care of a baby is old news. He's a father. He's been a father for years now. God, it feels like he's been a father forever. First Sam, now Bray. He's well versed in the paternal world of nurturing and that ever present...stickiness. He can change a diaper half asleep and one handed, calm a temper tantrum without breaking a sweat, and catch a tiny little mischief maker going for the cookie jar from another room. He can handle baby poop, spit up, tears, the aforementioned stickiness (because small children are, for some reason, almost always sticky) and all that jazz. But what he doesn't know how to handle is a shapeshifter baby.
It sure as hell ain't the weirdest thing he's ever seen, that's for sure, but it's definitely up there on the list. Oh no, wait. That sounds cruel. Not it. He. The little dude is a he. At least until he decides he'd rather be a she for awhile and sprays everyone with shapeshifter skin goo in order to be a pretty girl.
...Okay, so it might be the weirdest thing he's seen.
In a long while at least.
Dean really, really wishes Ruby were here.
When Lisa had first brought up the idea of taking Ruby to a spa for a girl's weekend a few weeks before Sam came waltzing back into their lives, Dean had been all for it. And when Lisa brought it up again after being re-introduced to Sam, Dean was still on board. Ruby was so tired what with work and Bray and he thought it would be nice for her. He was trying to do a nice thing for her! He was trying to be a nice guy and this is what he gets in return? The point is that it had been Ruby who needed to be convinced. Dean had mistakenly thought things would be easy. They were just going to be gone for a weekend. So what if that left him with two kids to watch? That was okay. He could take care of Bray in his sleep and Ben had to be one of the most easygoing kids on the face of the earth. It was no big deal, he had thought.
But then the universe apparently decided to remind him just how much it hated him.
So that's how he got here.
''Well,'' Dean begins slowly, peering around the corner into the living room at the two babies on the blanket. ''This is -This is okay,'' he says with a nervous laugh. ''Things aren't goin' too terribly, are they?'' He shifts his gaze to Ben, wincing when he takes in the boy's wide-eyed stunned look. ''We got everything cleaned up,'' Dean says weakly.
Ben blinks and tears his eyes away from the babies, looking at Dean with his mouth agape. ''Dean,'' he deadpans. ''That baby used to be a different color.''
Dean sighs. ''...Yeah...''
''A different color!''
''Yeah, I know, Ben. I was there.''
Ben frowns and the stunned look falls away, replaced by mild annoyance, arms crossed over his chest. ''This is not what I signed up for when I offered to help you babysit.''
Anxiously, Dean peers around the corner again and when he catches sight of his daughter and her 'tude, he steps out from behind the corner. ''Lila Bray,'' he says sternly. ''Don't bogart the toys.''
Bray, who does not appear to like the fact that she is being forced to share the spotlight with another baby, looks at her father with a wrinkled nose and a glare. She looks so much like her mother right now that it's not even funny. It's just creepy.
''Share,'' he tells her patiently.
Eyes still firmly on her father, she picks up a toy block, runs her fingers across it, and then she chucks it at the other baby, who has been coined Bobby John. At least for now. The block - luckily it's a stuffed block and not one of those hard plastic ones that she likes to chew on - bounces off Bobby John's chest and lands noiselessly on the blanket. Bray giggles. Sadistic little chickadee, isn't she?
Ben coughs to cover a laugh.
Dean groans loudly. ''Damn it, Lila Bray,'' he strides forwards to pick her up off the blanket, swinging her onto his hip. ''Why do you have to be such a brat around other babies? Honestly. This is why we had to take you out of daycare, you know.'' He crouches down next to the blanket to pick up his daughter's favourite stuffed zebra (who Ruby has proudly named Bartholomew ''but you can call him Bart'' Winchester) and hands it to Bobby John, much to Bray's dismay. ''Here you go, little dude. You can play with this guy for awhile.'' He waits until pudgy little hands grip the stuffed animal and then he stands, turning his attention back to Bray and her watery eyes and wobbling lips. ''Well, sugar,'' he shrugs, ''this is what you get for being a pest.''
Frustrated and in dire need of her afternoon nap, Bray lets out a vehement screech of ''no!'' and whacks her father on the side of the head.
''Hey!'' He yelps, catching her hand before she can thwack him again. ''You do not hit people. Jesus, what do you have against sharing?''
''No share!
''Yes share!''
''NO!'' She squirms and wriggles in his arms, reaching out for her precious Bartholomew, who is now being chewed on by the very content Bobby John. ''No baby! Bad baby!''
''Hey, hey, hey, relax, sugar. We'll wash him after the kiddo's done with him. You'll get Bart back, I promise. Don't have a cow, man.''
This does not appease Bray.
At the sight of her most prized possession being chewed on by a cute baby who is not her (and it must really floor her that there are other cute babies out there because when Dean first brought home the littlest stray, she edged around him with Bart clutched in her arms and her eyes narrowed like she was a wary cat getting ready to pounce and then she scowled and poked him on the face, declaring loudly, ''Go away, bad baby'') Bray lets loose an ear splitting scream and starts to cry, trying her best to throw herself out of her father's strong arms. ''Mine!'' She shrieks. ''Mine! Mine, Daddy!''
''Uh, Dean - ''
Barely able to hear Ben over the sound of Bray's unhappy squeals, Dean steps away from Bobby John, all of his focus on his daughter. The girl is absolutely losing her shit right now. He's embarrassed for her. Really, he is. When she starts to kick and punch at him, little fists and feet going like she's fighting off stranger danger, he decides enough is enough ''All right, that's it!'' He snaps out. ''You're goin' in time out. I know Mommy's usually the one who puts you in time out and Daddy's usually the one who breaks you out, but you're grating my cheese right now, girl.''
''No! No time out!''
''You bet your damn ass you're goin' in time out. This is what you get.'' He throws a look over his shoulder at Bobby John, who's happily chewing away on Bartholomew, and then he looks at Ben. ''Dude, can you watch Bobby John for a minute?''
Ben crosses his arms and stares up at Dean with an unimpressed arched eyebrow. ''Is that really what you're calling him?''
''Tell you what,'' Dean says loudly over Bray's hollers, holding her away from him as she kicks and punches. ''You can name him whatever the hell you want if you just watch him while I put Little Miss Attitude in her room.''
Ben appears to think about that for a moment before nodding. ''Deal.'' Then he smirks. Dean thinks he might have made an enormous mistake. Well...hey. As long as Ben doesn't name the kid Pilot Inspektor, they're all good.
(As soon as Dean is out of the room, Ben turns to the baby, smirks and says, ''I'm going to name you Lars. After the greatest drummer in the world.'')
''Listen to me,'' Dean says quietly, crouched in front of his tearful daughter. ''You cannot behave like this, sugar.''
In response, Bray pouts and folds her arm. Her gaze is lowered to the ground and her bottom lip is jutted out as she sniffles miserably. He is well aware that he is beyond lucky that he is, by now, immune to her charms. At this moment in time, the brattiness outweighs the adorableness. ''I want my Bartie,'' she mumbles.
''Well, you'll get him back when you start behaving like a good girl,'' he tells her, gently wiping the tears off her face with a tissue.
''Want him now.''
''Too bad.'' He wipes at her runny nose. ''Blow.''
Still glaring, she reluctantly complies, blowing her nose in the tissue. However, as soon as he turns his back to throw the tissue away, she tries to make a break for it, running for the door. Catching sight of her racing for the door in his peripheral vision, he dives for her, catching her around the waist with some difficulty. Unfortunately, he loses his balance and goes crashing onto his back. In retribution, she curls her hand into a fist and throws a wild punch that connects with his jaw. It's a good thing she didn't inherit her mother's strength. That would have been unfortunate. Grumbling under his breath, he rises to his feet with her thrown over his shoulder and puts her on her bed. Instead of trying to run, she bites down on her lip and kicks at her bed angrily, pouting with her arms folded over her chest. Well, it's progress at least.
Dean rubs his jaw and looks down at her. She refuses to meet his eyes. ''Well, congratulations, Bray,'' he says, making sure his voice is low and disappointed. She looks up at him with wide eyes when he calls her Bray, shrinking back against her bed slightly. Most children realize they're in deep shit when they get the full name. She knows she's gone too far when she doesn't get the full name. ''You've just earned yourself some extra time in the pokey,'' he finishes. ''Hope you're proud of yourself.''
She wisely ducks her head, looking guilty as she swipes at the tears on her cheeks.
''Violence,'' he starts, ''is never the answer.'' Then he pauses and replays those words in his head. ''Heh,'' he chuckles, shaking his head. ''Did I just say that? Yes,'' he points a finger at her. ''I did. Because it's true. It is never okay to hit people. ...Unless they're demons.''
''Mommy does it,'' she whispers.
''Newsflash, pint sized, Mommy's a psychopath. How many times have we told you that you are never allowed to do anything we do? Your life is not a giant game of follow the leader. You are not Mommy and you are not Daddy. You're Lila Bray. You're not even three yet, for Christ's sake.'' He rubs at his forehead tiredly. ''Fuck, I'll be glad when the terrible twos are over.''
''Mommy - ''
''Yeah, yeah, Mommy says don't swear.''
''HOLY SHIT!''
Yep. Uh-huh. Sounds about right.
The sound of Ben's voice brings a sigh bubbling up to the surface and Dean runs a hand over his face, hanging his head.
''DEAN! HE'S DOING STUFF!''
Dean sucks in a breath. ''All right, sugar,'' he says, ''you know the routine. Sit. Stare. Think about what you've done. Throw a half-assed apology back at me when your time's up. I'll come get you when you're done. I think I gotta go clean up more slime.'' He heaves out another sigh as he turns around, grasping the doorknob. ''Or shit,'' he adds on as an afterthought. ''Any way you slice it,'' he mutters under his breath. ''This is gonna suck.''
Dean comes skidding to a halt in the doorway to the living room and instantly freezes up, jaw dropping to the floor. Okay, so he hadn't exactly been expecting this.
Ben, who looks eternally thankful that he had been out of the splash zone, looks over at Dean and holds his hands up in surrender. ''I had nothing to do with it.''
Dean can't take his eyes off the baby sitting on the blanket, blissfully unaware of the fact that Dean and Ben were both internally flipping out right now. Slowly, Dean inches forwards, mouth still agape. Eventually, he lifts his eyes from the baby who now looks identical to the PO'd little girl upstairs to Ben. ''Huh,'' he says. ''Well, this ain't good.''
''That place should be sued,'' Ruby declares hotly, throwing her bag over her shoulder and slamming the trunk of Lisa's car closed.
''I think I still have mud in my ears from the hot mud bath,'' Lisa mutters under her breath, tapping the side of her head comically. ''God, that stuff stunk.''
Ruby stares at the comical image in front of her, and then shakes her head and rolls her eyes. ''You're gonna knock somethin' loose up there,'' she warns, starting up the path towards her house.
''Ruby...'' Lisa gives up on attempting to clean out the mud in her ears and picks up her bag off the ground, hurrying after her friend. ''Ruby, I'm so sorry,'' she says genuinely. ''I didn't know that place was going to be such a dive. I swear, when I saw pictures of the facility, it looked completely different. For starters, it looked cleaner.'' She shudders, trying in vain to block out the memories of the truly, truly awful spa they had gone to. That place didn't even deserve to be called a spa. It was a dump. Plain and simple. ''Their website lied.''
''Of course their website lied,'' Ruby fires back, whirling around to face Lisa the moment she's made it up the steps and onto the porch. ''That's why companies like that make a website.''
Lisa grimaces. ''Does this mean you're never going to go on a girl's weekend ever again? Because it took Dean and I a really long time to make you see the benefits of a weekend away from being mom and wife and I don't want all that progress to be lost.''
''No,'' Ruby deadpans. ''It means that next time you want to go away, I'm picking the place.''
Lisa nods, smiling brightly. It's only as Ruby's unlocking the front door and stepping inside that she realizes what this means. ''Wait!'' Her eyes widen in horror and she struggles to hurry after Ruby, pulling her much too heavy suitcase after her. (Lisa's not a light packer. She will wholeheartedly own up to that. ''I pack like a girl,'' was her protest to her son when it took both of them to carry it out to the car. ''Don't blame me for that. Ruby packs like a guy. That's not my fault.'') ''Does that mean that the next time we go somewhere, we'll be going to some sort of, like, shooting range?''
''I don't like guns.''
Still struggling to get her suitcase up the steps, Lisa's frustration is quickly growing, and when she hears Ben's voice from inside the house calling out, ''Ruby! W-What are you doing back so early?'' she decides to abandon her baggage and get Dean to lug it in later. He's big and strong and chivalrous. He'll do it. She lets go of the suitcase, jumps back when it violently falls back down the step she has managed to get it up, and then pushes dark hair out of her eyes, following Ruby into the house.
Inside the house, Ruby is already in the living room, greeting Ben with a ruffle of his hair and Bray with a kiss on the forehead before dropping her bag on the couch and collapsing next to it. Ben, for some reason, looks like a deer in headlights. Lisa knows that look. That's his I did something bad look. ''W-What are you guys doing back home so early?'' He asks, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly, pulling Bray back onto the blanket on the ground.
''Your mother has awful taste in spas,'' Ruby explains flippantly, before smiling widely and holding her arms out to Bray. ''Hey, I haven't gotten a hug yet. Come here, baby.''
Bray stares at her mother blankly, as if she doesn't even recognize her and looks at Ben for guidance. Ben laughs nervously. ''Ummm...''
''Ruby?''
Both Lisa and Ruby turn towards the sound of Dean's voice. And then they both instantly have to do a double take, looking back and forth between the little girl in his arms and the identical little girl on the blanket next to Ben. Lisa's eyes widen and she points at the Bray on the blanket and then at the Bray in Dean's arms. ''AH!''
Ruby sighs and collapses back against the couch cushions. ''Oh, dear.''
Dean nods. ''Pretty much, yeah.''
''Okay.'' Ruby rubs at her temples, keeping her daughter (her actual daughter; she checked...many times) securely on her lap. ''All we have to do is keep real Bray away from...what was his name?''
''Lars,'' Dean says.
''Right. Lars.'' She pauses, wrinkling her nose. ''Lars? Really?''
''Ben named him after Lars Ulrich.''
''I don't know who that is.''
''He's from Metallica.''
''Yeah,'' she waves her hand. ''I didn't ask. All we have to do,'' she repeats, ''is keep real Bray away from Lars until he changes back. I mean, he can't stay like this forever, right?'' Her eyes widen and she gasps suddenly, reaching over to grasp Dean's shirt, pulling him towards her. ''Oh my god, what if he stays like that forever?''
''Look.'' Dean glances down at the grasp she has on his shirt. ''Ruby...Honey...'' He gently pries her fingers off his shirt. ''Lisa and Ben are working on it, okay? And this isn't forever. I - ''
''You promised you wouldn't bring home strays anymore!''
''Hey.'' He narrows his eyes and holds up a hand. ''You're the one that brought home that kitten for Bray last Christmas, Ruby. You remember that? You remember how we kept that thing for two weeks and then I had to take it to the shelter because it had scratched up everything including us? Do you remember that?''
''Yes, but a kitten is not a baby,'' she hisses.
''Well, you know what? I bet if we showed that little dude a picture of a kitten, WE'D HAVE A DAMN KITTEN AGAIN!''
''How did this get about kittens?''
''Mommy!'' Bray shouts out, putting on her stern face. ''Daddy!'' She looks in between them and puts her finger to her lips. ''Ssshh.''
''All right.'' Dean sighs heavily and drops his head into his hands. ''We just need to figure out - ''
''EW!'' Lisa's voice echoes from the living room. ''THAT IS SO GROSS!''
''Don't worry!'' Ben calls into the kitchen. ''We've got it all under control! Lars...Lars doesn't look like Bray anymore. ...But...''
But.
Of course there's a but.
''Lisa,'' Dean says slowly, taking in the sight before him. ''Why is Shiloh Jolie-Pitt standing in my living room?''
''I don't know, but I think this kid really has a gender identity crisis going on.''
Ruby leans over to Lisa. ''Probably shouldn't have used a tabloid to get Lars to put on a different outfit.''
Ben, eyes wide, turns to face the adults behind him. ''Do you know what this means?'' He breathes out, excitement dancing in his eyes. ''We're going to be rich.''
Dean arches an eyebrow while Lisa and Ruby look at each other in confusion. ''Come again?''
''Think about it,'' Ben grins. ''We take pictures of Lars and we sell them to the tabloids. How much do you think they'd pay for a picture of a Jolie-Pitt?''
''Ben,'' Lisa reprimands, cuffing him on the back of the head. ''Lying is bad. That's simple kindergarden logic.''
''Aw, come on,'' Ruby pipes up. ''What's the harm in a little - ''
Dean shoots her a look. She clamps her jaw shut.
''Oh!'' Dean exclaims suddenly, snapping his fingers. He turns to Ruby with a boyish grin spread out on his lips. ''I've got an idea.''
Sam enters his brother's family's house without knocking. There's a part of him that thinks he probably should have knocked. Ruby has been a little wary of him ever since he came back into her life. And okay, so he doesn't have a soul. Is that supposed to matter? (Not that she knows he doesn't have a soul anyway.) ''Dean!'' There's a part of him that also thinks he should maybe lower his voice in case the kids are sleeping, but he doesn't. ''Dean, are you - ''
''Sam.'' Dean pops out of the living room and grabs onto his arm tightly, glaring at him. ''Shut it,'' he hisses. ''The kids are sleeping.'' Then he grins, somewhat impishly, and says, ''Wanna see?''
Sam gets a bad feeling in his gut.
Grinning like a mad man, Dean pulls Sam into the living room.
Down on the blanket, Bray and the shapeshifter baby are sleeping side by side, which Sam supposes must be cute, but he can't really tell whether or not it's cute. Wait a minute. He looks closer at the littlest baby on the ground and leans farther down to gape at the child. ''Hold on,'' he mutters. ''Is that...'' He frowns and looks up at Dean. ''Is that baby...me?''
Dean smiles, laughs, claps Sam on the shoulder and then quietly moves out of the room.
Sam looks at the babies, then at Dean's retreating figure, and he rushes after his brother. ''Dean, wait...!''
end
