I walk alone
Think of home
Memories of long ago
No one knows, I lost my soul long ago
Lied too much
She said that she's had enough
Am I too much?
She said that she's had enough
Standing on my own
Remembering the one, I left at home
Forget about the life, I used to know
Forget about the one, I left at home
-On My Own, Three Day's Grace
(A'S POV)
I knew it was a problem when I started. I knew it, and I knew that I'd get in trouble if anyone else knew it. But how else was I supposed to dull the pain?
It was too much. The academic pressure… the dreams…
They weren't nightmares, but I'd prefer it if they were. Anything –anything- but the teasing of what could have been, what should have been, and what wasn't, nor could ever be. They were pleasant dreams, where my mind tormented me with the life that I had lost. With my mother's smile…my father's laugh…oh, these dreams haunted me, like a ghost that I always saw out of the corner of my eye.
To cope with all the pressure, I'd begun cutting myself. I'd heard of older kids doing it with razors. I settled for a kitchen knife.
I locked the bathroom door, sat on the floor, and rolled up my sleeve, revealing patterns of scars that trailed across my arm. I sat there just staring at them for a few moments. Everything was silent, everything was still, and I couldn't move a muscle. I just held the handle of the slim knife in my hand. I wasn't shaking, I wasn't nervous, and I most certainly wasn't going to not cut. No, rather, I simply enjoyed watching my arm. It was like a series still frames. In the beginning, there was nothing on my arm. And then, ever so slowly, cuts began to appear, blood began to drip, and it was all I could do to remind myself to breath.
Before anything even started, I had fantasies of the knife doing its work to me. I had to shake my head and take in an uneasy breath. I lost focus. I needed to do that again, but real. I needed to make what I saw in my mind a reality, to make the imaginary relief real.
I eagerly began my bloody work, carving into my skin. Tears poured down my face as blood poured down my skin.
I drew pictures.
A house.
A stick-figure family.
An airplane.
I wrote words.
FAMILY
HOME
ALONE
DROWNING
I knew that I needed help. I needed someone to save me. But I didn't want to wait for one to show up. It just hurt so badly. I needed a way out. I needed some way to forget everything in the mean time. I was practically in purgatory and the self-mutilation was the only way to bide my time.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, I stopped. I stayed there for a while, trembling, blood running down my arm. Then, I got up, washed my wounds, and bandaged them so they wouldn't bleed through my shirt.
I opened the door. Beyond was standing there, waiting for me. As soon as my eyes met his, I was drowning in a pool of blood. And for once, it was not my own.
An icy feeling settled in the pit of my stomach. I tried not to lurch, tried not to heave the nonexistent contents of my stomach up right there. How the hell did he have such perfect timing? 'Perfect?' No, that was hardly perfect. That was… that was…
"What were you doing?" he asked, forcing his voice to stay calm.
"Uh, I, um-"
"You were hurting yourself." he pulled up my sleeve, proving his theory right.
How did he do that? How could he see right through me, right to all the secrets that I was trying to hide? And how the hell did he know when to come and stand in front of the bathroom door at such a random time. Well, God forbid I ever get to keep happiness. I absolutely knew that happiness wasn't stable for very long. How did I not see this coming? How did I not see the inevitable crumbling of my fairy tale of momentary relief? Suddenly, I became panicked. No. No, Beyond shouldn't have been there, he shouldn't have found out. What if he…
What if he told?
"Beyond, please don't tell," I begged.
"…I won't."
I froze.
Every thought halted as I looked up at him, surprised. Utterly surprised. My mouth was slightly ajar as he stared back at me with those solemn, red eyes. There must have been some sort of glint of confusion in my eyes because he felt the need it reiterate.
"I won't tell," he repeated. "I'll let you tell for yourself."
He turned and walked away. I could have sworn that he was laughing at me. I looked down at my arms, trying to see the cuts through the cloth. I tried to see the blood, the wounds, anything to think of something besides what had just happened. Oh, dear God, please let the pain come back… I didn't necessarily believe in God, but there had to be some way to get away from reality, to get away from the truth. I looked over at my book shelf. Maybe… but no. I crossed the thoughts off immediately. And then my eyes were stinging. Tears, like pin pricks in the corner of my squinting eyes, began to drip helplessly to the floor.
What was all of this worth anymore? I mean… B didn't care. He didn't care anymore. Everything B did and said before he left clearly stated that. He didn't care. He didn't care. He didn't care anymore.
He didn't care about me anymore? How could he not care about me anymore? Why? WHY? What had I done wrong? Was it the fact that I was smarter than him? I was A after all. I was the Apprentice. I was the heir of L. Did he harbor some hidden resentment for me?
He didn't care, though. No matter what the motive, it all came back to one thing: he didn't care anymore. I dropped to my knees like a rock. What was I supposed to do? How was I supposed to get by? Was all of the self-harm for nothing? If I was waiting for something that would never come, then why? Why? Why any of it? WHY? WHY? WHY!
"Why Beyond? Why don't you care anymore?" I cried to the ceiling. I was waiting for nothing. The cutting was for nothing. The blood was for nothing. The bandages were for nothing. My books were for nothing.
All because Beyond Birthday decided to stop caring for poor, little, helpless A, I sobbed.
(BEYOND'S POV)
I laughed as I walked away. Was A really that stupid? Really? Did he think that mutilating himself was going to fix his problems? What a sad, sorry world he lived in. If that was the case, so be it. Let him cut himself to ribbons if that's what he wants. Hell, I would have even helped him do it. He wasn't my friend anymore.
I passed by a group of girls, who stopped chattering and stared at me fearfully as I walked past.
I smiled, if only to myself. I was glad that I had such an intimidating reputation. Here, at only ten years old, I was already feared.
"I said shut up, minifaggot!"
"…Stop it…please…"
Whack!
"…Mello…"
"Blondie fag isn't gonna' help you, so just shut the fuck up."
My temper rose in my throat like fire. Why couldn't those damned teenagers just leave the children alone? What had they ever done?
I ran over to the place where the noises were coming from. I saw blood, and a mass of red hair. Matt. Mello lay, apparently unconscious, on the floor of the empty classroom a few feet off.
"You're both gonna' pay for what you did, you little homos! You messed Peter up bad, Blondie fag."
"Stop it," I said firmly. "Or I'm gonna' mess you up."
They looked over at me, annoyed.
"What are you gonna' do, bastard?"
"What, indeed?"
They froze suddenly, their faces going pale. I smiled. And then Watari walked in the room, obviously having heard my threat.
"You two, in my office. Now."
"But sir-"
"You heard me. Now." he led them away, practically dragging them along.
I went over and knelt next to Matt, shaking him gently.
"Are you alright?" I asked.
A moan. A low, despairing moan.
"…Daddy…please stop…I promise I'll be good…"
I furrowed my brow. I touched his shoulder lightly. He immediately curled into a tight little ball, whimpering pitifully.
"…Daddy, please…" he lapsed into Russian, and I could no longer understand him. I should have paid better attention in that class. I turned to Mello, deciding he would know what to do in this situation. I shook Mello lightly. He slowly looked up at me, a faraway look in his eyes. His eyes soon fall on Matt, though, beside me. He crawled over beside him as Matt said something else.
"Shhh…Matt, it's me, okay? It's just me. I'm not going to hurt you, okay?" he stroked Matt's hair, wiping away his tears as they fell, whispering sweet words of comfort. I smiled at that. Then, I scowled. They were just kids, for Christ's sake! No child should be given such a heavy burden to bear. A didn't, I didn't, and these two sure as hell didn't.
Nobody should have.
A shouldn't have to cut himself. Near shouldn't have to cry. Matt and Mello shouldn't have to get beaten up. And, despite how I wanted to think otherwise, X, Y, and Z shouldn't have to beat up children less than half their age to get attention, or to gain some pathetic, twisted sense of self worth.
Matt and Mello weren't any older than six, and yet they were already ostracized. Cast out by the stigma of society. Societal norms shouldn't even exist here. One would think that a school full of outcasts would be a bit more open-minded.
"You can go," Mello said, his voice shaky. "We don't need you here anymore."
I walked away to find L. he had to be somewhere around here.
I found him in the kitchen, and ran up to give him a hug.
(WATARI'S POV)
"But Mello hurt Pe-"
"Y, that is quite enough out of you," I sighed, exasperated beyond belief. Again. Again these three had attacked Matt and Mello. Again these three had harmed them. I glared at the three. Never had I glared at my children quite like that before. Yes, my 'children.' I sighed once more and walked around the desk to gather a few papers, merely a formality for what I was going to do. "You three have lost all privileges to the rec room for one week. Your only free time to leave your rooms are for meals, classes, showers, bathroom breaks, studying in the library, and from three to four in the afternoon. You are to-"
"Watari-" I whipped around to stare at the brunette in front of me. He clamped his mouth shut immediately as I straightened up. I closed my eyes.
"You are to be in your rooms at all other times for the next two weeks. Understood?" Y opened his mouth yet again, but thought better of it and simply nodded his head.
I pinched the bridge of my nose as the boys scurried from the room. I thought that the children would turn out better than this. Although, I supposed that there had to be a few bad ones, no matter how good the others might be. L conveniently came into my office at that exhausting moment. I faintly smiled as I straightened the papers, tapping them upright on my desk. I sat down and started to work on filling it out. Beyond was holding L's arm firmly, like a child with a toy he did not wish to share.
"Beyond told me that an incident occurred with Matt and Mello. Is that true?"
"Yes," I replied breathlessly. Could not a better topic have been chosen? Yet again, I sighed.
"I assume the responsible parties have been punished?"
"Yes." I looked up at the two, finding the sight to be rather amusing. Beyond was a seemingly lost puppy dog, demanding L to be his new owner. To give him a better life. And then that metaphor became reality. But a kind one, because L was not one to deny others this happiness. So I could not help but smile fondly at the two.
Beyond looked enough like L to be a younger brother. They both possessed the same dark hair and slouching posture. I almost laughed at this eerie similarity.
"Thank you, Watari. I appreciate it."
I nodded, and L smiled at me before leaving the room, Beyond grinning broadly, and chattering away.
I smiled to myself as the door closed.
At least L seemed to be turning out alright. He was my favorite child there (you'd never hear me say that out loud), and I couldn't bear the thought that he would turn out like those delinquents. I groaned and began to type up the paper work onto my computer.
(NEAR'S POV)
I hadn't left my room since L had seen me cry.
He'd actually seen me crying. I felt like banging my head against a wall for being so weak. I thought boys weren't supposed to cry. That was the whole reason why I was picked on. The whole reason I was abandoned: because I was a crybaby. If I'd been tougher, then maybe I'd still have a family…
…Was L going to hate me, too? Was he going to hate me, now that I'd shown him that I was weak? Was he going to leave me, like mother and father had? I didn't want to think about it. didn't want to think about how L had hugged me. Seen me in my weakness. I didn't want to think about being dropped off in a random city again. I didn't want to think. I didn't want to think about it anymore. I sniffled.
I wound up my robot and let it walk across the floor, staring at it, mesmerized.
It must have a good life. It was emotionless. It had no feelings or the human foibles that
threatened to destroy us all. It simply…existed.
That was how I wanted to be. To just exist.
No more feelings.
No more pain.
No more worries.
No more fears.
And…no more weaknesses to hold me down.
Suddenly I couldn't wait to arrive at my abattoir.
Alright, I know Watari isn't a Wammy's House kid, but I just love that old man so much :D Anyway, thanks for reading.
B/N: Ahh! Yes, Wammy is so awesome! I am elated to have been able to write about him! *glomps BeyondChaos* Thank you so much! And also, cookies for everybody! BUT! I have something else to say… we seem to have converted a person to Near-dom! I am so happy that you like him^^ I know, I wasn't too fond of him at first, but then… I don't know, he just existed and I fell in love! Well… this B/N is probably going to annoy the hell out of Beyond so I will… shut up now…
Review! :D
