First & Last Chapter 9

All I could think about standing their looking at JJ and him was stay calm….stay calm….do not let yourself cry…..no fucking crying…..I do not know what pissed me off more the factor that I had let things get this far or the factor that I loved him so damned much that I really wasn't mad I was just more hurt than anything! I knew I would forgive him, but as of right now I couldn't deal with this…funny I guess I never really deal with much I just seem to run away…..runaway and hope things work out for the best.

I knew the doctors said not to let things stress me or to avoid stressful situations…..the same damned thing they had been telling me for 3 months since I had left from the rehab center…..and now spending almost 3 days in the hospital from a major panic attack along with a potential heart attack, hence this lovely nice box I get to wear for the next week to monitor my heart which might I add is about obsolete.

JJ touched my arm bringing me back to the moment as she gently embraced me once more saying she was leaving and that if I needed anything to not hesitate and call no matter what…..I looked at her one more time sternly calling her by her given name….Jennifer please take him with you I am not going to ask again….Derek interrupted me speaking with enough venom in his voice…Maybe if you would speak to me for once you might get what you wished! Derek…Derek…..I….I want you to leave me alone and not come back…I think we have said all we needed to say to each other the other day….you made your point very clear and I have made my point very clear the past several days…there is nothing left here for you…..my only concern is my daughter right now which only leaves no place for you and your bias opinions of me! I do not even know what the hell I was thinking letting this happen or even thinking this was going to work…..I knew you still had not forgiving me and you fucking never will….will you? Maybe I am being selfish….maybe I have been not so forth coming….but I do not fucking care…..I have had to protect or give up everyone I have ever cared for because of decisions I made and I am living with that….that's my demons I must carrying around…..but all be damned if I have to put up with a man who…

(September 30th, 2011…..As I sat next to Ian in the SUV it made me think about the day he gave me the Irish dremel ring and how he said he would always protect me…..I gave a little chuckle, then I felt him lean near me asking what's so funny love….I just turned to look at him in the eyes even in the darkness of the vehicle I could see Bella and Declan in him so much….but Bella only favored him through the eyes whereas Declan favored his father so much as a boy…..Ian asked me how she was….I looked at him funny asking him what he was talking about….I knew he was playing games with me but at what I did not have a single clue…..all I knew was Bella was safe and heaven forbid if we didn't find Declan I did not know what I was going to do…He said: Love you know exactly who I am talking about….I glared at him as if not knowing his meaning…I was hoping to god I didn't know his meaning…but….but did he know this whole time….Love I do not know why you thought you could hide her without me knowing….I had suspected you were pregnant weeks before they came and took you away…I was so happy and I thought you would have been proud to have my child as well, but when I found out you had or should I say supposedly had died in that car crash my heart ached…..although when I saw you and her in the gardens playing this summer in Paris I knew especially when I say my eyes…Luv I wish I had let you save me….instead of…..)

As Derek wrapped his arms around me bringing me out of my thoughts….I guess it was just instinctual to just melt into him….I couldn't help myself I always felt so safe in his arms and I knew I was being unreasonable to him. Emily please forgive me for being a complete ass…..I do honestly trust you…it's just you threw me for a loop there….I didn't know how to respond….I mean things make even more sense now….if you catch my drift…..Emily all I care about is you and wanting to make you happy…..please just do not throw us away…..please forgive me for being so damned hardheaded…..please I am begging you whole heartedly!

I pulled slightly away from his embrace to look at him with tears streaming down his face…I knew this man was going to be the death of me as he got down on his knees to hold me at my waist and his face looking up at me all I could do was cup his face to wipe away the tears that I had caused and never wanted to see again….because in his eyes I could see family and love as always!

(September 30th, 2011…..for the remainder of the ride to the airfield all I could think about was what he had said…..what would have happened if I had saved him….what would be different…..how would our life's and our children's life's be different! As I sat their holding on to Declan as he held his father's hand watching him take his last breaths of life I could only think how my daughter would never know who her father was really….she would of never known the man I fell in love with! Yes I Emily Prentiss or shall I say Lauren Reynolds was in love with this man who has brought so much pain, but who has also given me two of the most precious gifts anyone could ever give someone….he gave me a family & love!)

When I woke up this morning still snugged tightly in his arms….all I could do was smile, I knew our life wouldn't be a bed of roses and I know the road to come is going to be filled with bumps or shall I say craters knowing our luck….but I know as long as we do it together things will work out one way or another! The doorbell rang as I looked at the clock on the bedside it read 8:42, I felt Derek stirring with a grumbly voice he said I will get it….it's probably Garcia…..I just groaned knowing that things where not yet settled but I knew we would eventually get their…I watched Derek in his stumbled half asleep march to the hallway grumbling about he was coming…I heard him open the door expecting to hear a squealing Garcia, but what I heard was or shall I say who I heard took my breath away…

OK SORRY I DID NOT GET A CHANCE TO UPDATE THIS WEEKEND LIKE I PROMISED….BUT YOU KNOW HOW LIFE GETS IN THE WAY! ALTHOUGH I HOPE THIS CHAPTER IS A MAKE UP FOR THAT! AS ALWAYS THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE SUPPORT AND R&R'S AS ALWAYS YOU ALL ARE AWESOME…..I AM HOPING TO GET ANOTHER CHAPTER POSTED TODAY IF NOT THEN DEFINTELY TONIGHT, KEEP YOUR COMMENTS COMING I LOVE THE INPUT!