April 8, 2010

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Forgotten

Chapter Nine: True Identity


Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today. - James Dean

I used to have an older brother. Akio disappeared a year ago. He always vowed to get away and, I guess, one night he finally did. I missed my brother, he'd always been there for me, but now he was gone and I couldn't change that. Akio, had he been alive, would have eventually came home but he never did. Time healed the deepest wounds and I finally managed to shove him to the back on my mind. Now, on a day like this, I couldn't help but think of him.

I wasn't sure how I felt about him right now. In a way, I hated him, and envied him. He didn't have to deal with all this pain, he didn't have to sit here crying and wasting life, knowing somebody was going to kill him, while he was without any remaining family. He didn't have to be alone, for fear they'd kill the one's he loved. Was being dead actually better than being alive right now? And if it was, why didn't I just save Koga a whole bunch of trouble and kill myself?

Except I couldn't do that Rin. Letting myself die would be letting her down and I couldn't do that. Although it felt like I was alone, I still have her. I had to push myself to survive and make it to see her live a happy life. If I never came back to get her out, she'd know that I was dead. I was a mess, with my makeup smeared all over my face. The last memories I had of Rin was her emptiness and soulless eyes and pale skin with nasty, bloodied cuts torn through her white flesh. She looked like a ghost. That blank look, she had escaped to her own world and was ready to leave this one behind.

"Are you okay Ayame?" Koga asked and I nodded, even though I wasn't. I was a great liar, but I was too traumatized and was starting to lose my skill. Yes, I was fine. My sister was suicidal, she is not fine. My brother is dead, he is not fine either. My parents have a scarred record and have died, they are not fine. But me? I was fine. I was dead, I wasn't being tortured, I wasn't suicidal. I was having things gnawing at my insides constantly, but I was far better off then them. At least I wasn't dead, or completely insane yet. "You know you can talk to me."

Of course I could talk to him. I didn't need his permission; I could talk to anybody that I wanted to. What I couldn't always have was an answer or help. My problems weren't a matter of having somebody to talk to, but having somebody to listen, rather. I continued to stroke on sparkling silver polish to my toes and fingers. Just because my life was a bloodied whirlpool didn't mean I couldn't try to keep myself well-kept and nice looking.

"I have so many clothes that are too sexy to just wear around the house and I don't believe I'll ever get the chance to wear them out of the house because I'll have no parties to go to, like I thought I would. I won't be going to college because I haven't even gotten to finish the last month of school since you pulled me out, thinking it was too dangerous. I guess this is my life now? Moping around the house mourning my losses? I'd rather die than live a life of doing nothing. Maybe we should try to figure this out? I'd like to have devoted my life to something meaningful before I die. Maybe it'll bring upon the death of me, but maybe it'll save lives on down the road." I said softly, and then looked up at him, as I finished my second coat and close the polish.

"It's your life, if you want to risk it than it's really not in my place to hold you back." Koga replied, looking me seriously in the eyes. "To be honest, I wouldn't want to live a life like this either. A life miserable and in fear is no life at all. Do what you think you should do, it's not in my position to play the guardian, just to watcher. No matter what choice you take I'll be there with you, to protect you."

"My problem is that I have no starting point." I whispered in shame, lowering my eyes.

"Yes, you do."

"And what's that?" I pushed.

"Talk to a survivor." He encouraged.

"So you want me to find this little boy that actually escaped it all?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Maybe you could find some other survivor?" he suggested.

"We could try." I shrugged and pulled out the book. I didn't want to look at the gruesome murders and was afraid I couldn't stomach it. I could feel the bile rising at the back of my throat but I forced it down and made sure that it wouldn't come up, concentrating on only the names.

Tragic stories followed each of the people but survivors didn't come up too often. In fact, the only survivor we knew of yet was that little boy who had everything in his life changed around. The night went on and we stopped to eat dinner, but got back to work instantly. At the end of the night I had cleanly gotten out of the bathroom, dressed in my fresh pajama's but still had yet to find anybody else that made it through the terror. Eventually, they all committed suicide or something and ended up dying (although it wasn't the killer's direct doing).

"Find anything?" I questioned Koga, who had gotten his shower first. He looked up at me and sadly shook his head 'no' as I sat down beside him and looked at the screen, another suicide. I felt the tears prickling at my eyes. I was wrong when I thought I could solve this, because I really couldn't. I whispered in a broken voice. "It's hopeless."

"No, it's not." Koga said stiffly.

"Who do we have?!" I yelled, upset.

"The boy." He whispered.

"Where can I find him? He's probably under some really common, hard to track name, that we'll never figure out. He's probably somewhere millions of miles away, six feet under, just like the rest of them." I sobbed.

"No he's not." Koga shook his head.

"How do you know?!" I screamed with tears, frustrated.

"Because you're talking to him." He whispered and he turned his head away from me, but not before I was able to spot the shinning of tears filling up in his eyes. That comment hit me like a thousand bricks and I just sat there, stunned. I was talking to a survivor, he was right beside me, and he had been with me the whole time. He never told me. Maybe he couldn't admit it. Koga had been in my situation, well Rin's situation, and had lost his entire family.

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