Chapter 9
At the end of an endless day
15 July 2002
She was watching the blooming garden through the window of her bedroom. She knew that Severus was still in their house, she could sense his presence with every single nerve of hers. Whiffs of conversation slyly floated up to her from the living room and mockingly flaunted around her. Her pathetic skedaddling brought burning tears into her eyes. It was childish to let her parents fight her battle, but she couldn't risk melting down in front of him. It didn't matter how her blood boiled of anger, or how confused and disappointed she was, by now she couldn't pretend that she didn't feel that invincible force which attracted her to her former lover. It could have been so simple. Perhaps, it would only have taken a step, a word, a small motion or a glance. It would have been so simple to find her haven again in his arms and love him again passionately. The more she saw him, the more the temptation grew. The opportunity teasingly tingled in her mind, and rather she flew than let something redeemable happen.
Right now she listened to the two men's argument ashamed, or more like as her father was shouting, because Severus's voice didn't reach her. She imagined as he was listening to his opponent calmly, with stern, expressionless face, just to prove his superiority. Severus was always a master of covering his emotions. She wanted to lock these thoughts out of her head and shut out her feelings. She wished he would leave already. At the same time, she also wanted him to stay, to fight for her, to not give up. Moreover she wanted him to wait for her patiently, until she could organize her confused feelings and desires. Just be there for her when she knew what to do with her life.
Her mother stepped out into the garden, took a few steps then she turned, and looked up at her window, like she felt her daughter was hiding behind the curtains. She waved then started off to collecting the scattered toys from the narrow pathways. Hermione watched as a slow motion as the gate burst open, and Toby were scudding through the garden. Her mind tried to send alarm signs, but her body didn't obey, and she only watched helplessly as the catastrophe was about to happen. With different circumstances, she perhaps would have had a good laugh, when she was to enter the living room again. What she saw reminded her of tableaus, a game she so enthusiastically played in her childhood at times of garden parties. Her son stood frozen, his back to her. Her father wearily sat in an armchair in the other side of the room, with incredulity and distress clearly written on his face. Severus stood halfway between the two, raising his eyes to her, he was mutely asking for her help. Her first shameful thought was to let him stew in his own juice, but she knew the play ran higher than that. Her son's quietude was worth more than the dubious pleasure to see Severus sweat for a few minutes.
"Honey" she addressed her son in a low voice and cautiously put her hand on his shoulder. When he looked at her frightened and confused, she bent to pick him up to comfort him. "You don't need to worry, this is your dad. He came to meet you."
"Did dad come back from the angels?" the little one looked at him uncertain. No wonder he was confused, as he was taught there was no way back from heaven.
"I believe he is only visiting for now. Perhaps the angels let him go for a while, so he could be with you, because you are such a good little boy." With the child in her arms she slowly walked to the man who stood still. "Severus, meet your son. Honey, greet your father as you were taught."
"Hello, my name is Toby. It is a pleasure to meet you" the little boy said seriously then he swallowed, and reached out his smeary little hand. Severus gently took that into his own, like it was porcelain, and he was worried he would harm him. Grateful yet confused he looked at the girl. Once upon a time he thought Hermione Granger had been a boringly predictable, little mouse type of person. However when he really got to know her – not as a teacher knows his student, but as man knows a woman – he had to realize that she was everything but boring and predictable, and that her appearance which might seemed grey at the first glance, hid a whole new world full of colours, flavours and fantasies that were only waited for to be discovered. He almost forgot how many exciting moments their relationship brought to him. Her behaviour right in that moment deeply surprised and perplexed him. He wasn't sure what to expect, but he definitely didn't expect her to calmly introduce him to their son like it was the most natural thing. He couldn't take the measures of hers, and that embarrassed him. Hermione could read between the lines well enough to realize how uncertain the man was, and that gave her satisfaction. She wanted to implant in him who is the boss. When Severus finally let his son's hand go, with a sudden movement the little boy tried to hold on to his father's neck, pulling his mother with her, who found herself dangerously close to the only man who ever owned her body. She decided to let him take the child then took a step back and to hide her embarrassment, she started to straighten out her clothes. Severus finally took hold of his son and looked at him with a half-smile. He didn't know what he should say to him, but the child who overcome of his shyness by now, suddenly took the lead. He placed his two sticky little hands on either side of his face and started to examine his father's physiognomy with a very serious expression on his face.
"You don't look like on the pictures at all" he stated assertively, and Severus' face twitched as he tried to hide his smile. The boy inherited his mother's manner, no doubt.
"Why did you argue with my grandpa? Why did he tell you, that mom would kick your ass?" Severus' eyebrows disappeared under his hairline for a second. Not that he knew a lot about children, but in his humble opinion, at age four saying such a word as ass could not be normal. Hermione was looking at her father thoroughly scandalized.
"Toby, I don't want to hear you using this word ever again!" she admonished the boy.
"But grandpa said it too!" the little rascal answered cheekily and was looking from one of his parents to the other.
"And grandpa will definitely get his punishment from grandma," it was time for John Granger's eyes to widen "so it's best if you watch your mouth, unless you want to get punished too."
"I don't think so" the boy involuntarily made a face then turned his full attention back to his father. "Why did you argue with my grandpa? Don't you like him?" Toby was visibly hurt by the scene he became witness to. He was worried that his father whom he only got to know and his beloved grandpa were angry at each-other for some mysterious reason. So he trustingly waited for someone to assure him that everything was all right.
"We just..." his grandfather, who in the past couple of minutes was quietly watching father and son with a little jealousy blooming in his heart, harrumphed "we were only talking loud. That's it" finally he came up with a lame excuse and for that Toby only raised one of his eyebrows. Hermione presumed the thing with eyebrow was inherited from Snape's genetics, and ruining the sublime moment she let out a nervous giggle that reminded of a puppy's yowling.
"I think it's best if I leave you to your own resources now" Dr Granger abruptly stood up, and following his common sense, he finally escaped the living room, looking for balm from his wife for his increasing trepidation.
Meanwhile Toby was touching his father's face, hair and clothes with his gooey, little hands, and Hermione was waiting for his reaction. The Severus Snape she used to know would never have endured such atrocity from any child, but perhaps this Severus Snape was not the one she used to know, or she never truly knew him at all. Can we love somebody whom we only thought we knew? Perhaps the love once she felt for him wasn't real, maybe it was only a seductive, narcotic dream. His voice startled her from her pensiveness.
"Hermione," he pronounced her name softly "we have a wonderful son. Thank you." She had never seen tears in Severus' eyes, and even now it could have only been the effects of the strangely dancing lights. She just nodded wordlessly, for she didn't want her own repressed tears to find their way out. "Son, unfortunately I need to go now. I know we only spent a short time together, and we didn't have time to talk, but I promise you, I will come again, if your mother doesn't mind.
"Are you sure, you can't stay for a little more?" Toby asked him with huge puppy eyes. The trick always worked with his grandparents, but his father only shook his head with a smile on his face. "Please, stay!" the child implored again. "I want to show you my room and my toys."
"Maybe another time, honey" Hermione now interrupted. "Your father really needs to leave. Be a good boy, and wait for me here while I walk him out. We will talk when I'm coming back, all right?"
The little boy nodded unwillingly, and ran to one of the armchairs when his father placed him on the floor again. He climbed up with little difficulties and sulkily crossed his arms. His narrowing eyes did not promise an easy conversation. Hermione walked Severus out of the house, and when the door shut closed behind them at last, and they were out of earshot, she was staring at the man with a sinister expression on her face.
"Before you thank me again, I only did it, because I didn't want to upset my son. Never ever again dare to come here without my permission. Don't make things harder for me, Severus, for I will not be grateful for it." The unexpected change of her mood caught him unguarded. She was kind and patient in one minute, and a furious wildcat the next. He took a deep breath and answered her tight lipped.
"I believe, you should have been sorted into Slytherin, and this time I don't mean it as a compliment. I hope you know how manipulative your behaviour is. Listen, Hermione, don't keep my son away from me. I don't want to fight you, but so help me Merlin, I will, if you force me. Tobias is my son too, and I have all the right to see him." In the moment he uttered those words he already regretted them. He didn't want to threaten her, nor did he want to blow the coals, or call her hatred upon himself. All he wanted was quite the opposite of those, only so typically of him, he lost his temper. Their situation was so unrealistic and delicate that he started to lose control.
"We'll see" she said dismissively, but when he turned away to get into the car that was waiting for him, she called after him.
"Only one more minute! Take this!" From under her blouse she dragged out a necklace and unclasped it with trembling fingers then pulled the ring off of it. "I don't need it anymore" she said, and when he involuntarily reached out, she pushed the rare jewellery into his hand. "I don't want to live in a mendacious fantasy anymore. I don't belong to you, and I never did, if you could throw me away with such ease.
The motorway to the airport was bathing in bright sunlight of midday, but he didn't notice any of it. Light hardly filtered through the darkened windows. The black stone gloomily glistened in the dimness of the car as he absent-mindedly twirled it between his fingers.
"I'm sorry, sir" Albert broke the silence, after watching him for a while from the rear view mirror. "Perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to follow Malvina's lead."
"Well, she kept the necklace at least" Severus answered distractedly.
20 December 1996
He couldn't remember when he felt so uncomfortable last time, as he felt right then in that ridiculously over decorated room that was dimly lit by fairy lights. Slughorn did manage to scrounge all the smug, insufferable idiots once again. This foolish party was the most preposterous way that he could imagine for wasting time. As much as kindly the aging Potions Master asked for his participation, by choice he wouldn't have gone near the old scoundrel's Christmas party that was more like an assembly for circus clowns. Yet, the last minute he changed his mind, and it had nothing to do with Hermione inviting that thick-headed McLaggen.
They had been playing for a while now this long and nerve-racking, cold and hot game with each other. They both wanted it, and both knew it was forbidden. He tried to keep her away, or moreover tried to keep himself away from her, and for short periods of time he succeeded. Then something happened; she glanced at him longingly, or when she bent over backwards in his class to learn a new jinx, her cheeks rosy of the effort, or as she forgot about the world, and bit her lips as she was deep in a book, and suddenly all his resistance was in vain.
At times she got cold feet, and he gave himself belief that it was for the best, and it didn't bother him a bit. Then on a stroll in the library, he again caught a glance from her that mirrored his own supressed feelings and desires, and then he felt relief. Stolen, sweet kisses and caresses and a few hours they could spend together. Sometimes she unexpectedly appeared in his office, nestled in one of his armchairs by the fireplace, and busied herself with her homework. Once in a while she glanced up from the pile of parchments she had in her lap to ask for his opinion; at other times they hardly uttered a word, but they were kissing passionately instead, and that was all. They never stepped over that certain line. He always stopped before they could have lost control. He didn't have any right to take what she offered to him, even if Hermione was frustrated to no ends of bouncing back off his walls all the time. At those moments she believed that he didn't want her, not really, and he never did a thing to disprove that.
Right then he was standing in the mystic dimness, covered by curtains that were pouring down off from the ceiling, with Potter's smug face within his reach. His eyes were restlessly scanning the place, searching for her; he was waiting for a chance all night to talk to her without others noticing it. Finally luck was on his side, when Hermione, running away from his pixilated escort, found safe haven behind the same curtain.
"Miss Granger," he addressed her in a low voice "I believe we need to talk. I will expect you in my office right after this... party" he added impassively then not waiting for answer he turned around and walked away towards the buffet.
The little scene that Draco caused distracted him. That imbecile kid stubbornly rejected the help he offered, and for that he didn't have any idea what he was up to. He was running out of time, and he couldn't chalk up a thing. To top that all, that unashamed Potter kid took the rise out of him not once. He put him in detention as much as he possibly could, yet he still had the time to meddle. Albus just couldn't keep him on leash, even threw in their private lessons, as if he was not self-important enough anyway.
He threw his robes and frock-coat on a chair, undid his cufflinks and the two top buttons on his shirt then poured a glass of wine for himself, and leaned back on his sofa with a relieved sigh. He didn't expect anyone on this late hour, and only remembered his rendezvous with Hermione when someone, interrupting the peaceful moment, shyly knocked on his door. With the wave of his wand the door opened up.
"Good evening, Miss Granger! I see you managed to get rid of your enthusiastic admirer" he greeted her, and took a mouthful of his drink. "Do come in, if you please!"
"Nice evening, Professor Snape!" the witch answered lightly. "I see you already started to celebrate without me." Smiling, she stepped into his office, and carefully closed the door behind her. "I only invited McLaggen, because it annoyed Ron."
"It is fortunate, because otherwise I would have thought you only wanted to make me jealous. May I offer you a drink?" He stood up and turned to the cupboard where he kept his alcohol stock.
"Wine will do, thank you. And did I manage?"
"Hermione, don't try to play with me! I'm not a hormone driven teenage boy." He pushed a glass into her hand full of golden-white liquid, and she took a sip. "But this once I indulge you and answer your question. Yes, you did." The way her doe eyes sparkled upon hearing his words could not escape his observation. He took her glass and placed it on the mantelpiece with his own one. Then he softly pulled her closer and buried his face into her hair. He loved the way the silky, honey fragranced locks caressed his skin.
"Merry Christmas, Severus" she said in a low voice.
"Merry Christmas" he whispered in her ear, and stroked her neck with his lips. He could feel as she trembled under his touch and heard her sighing. Her responsiveness like a magical switch turned on his own desires, and he felt as his trousers begun to be tighter, and the room suddenly became too hot. He pressed a last, quick kiss on her lips, and he took a step back.
"I hope you are looking forward to your gift" he remarked while he walked to his desk.
"Very much so" her eyes lit up, "but first I would like you to have yours if it is all the same to you" she looked at him questioningly and presenting him with a small package that was hidden in her pocket until then. Severus curiously started to peel off the silver coloured paper and found a long and slim wooden box. After removing all the wrapping the top of the box opened up, revealing a raven black quill. The quill rose into the air, and rambunctiously bowed to the left then to the right, and then suddenly started fluttering around his head like a lunatic bird.
"You can charm it to leave your assorted vitriolic vituperations behind on our essays." Hermione watched him, giggling, as he fretfully jerked his head while tried to hunt the runaway quill down. You can hand out Trolls more effectively."
"Very thoughtful," Severus finally managed to snatch and thrust the naughty quill back into its box then he slammed the top on it, "although it seems I will have to tame it first" his face twitched. "This is yours. You would make me happy by wearing it." He placed a black velvet box that previously lay on his desk into her hands. The box was cradling a beautiful white golden chain with an oval locket adorned with delicate floral patterns. Hermione immediately opened the locket, but she found it empty. Then she looked at him questioningly.
"Well.." he cleared his throat, "when I chose this I intended to put our pictures in it. Then I realized I didn't have a single photo of you, or myself for that matter. Perhaps..." he was looking at her inquiringly.
"Severus, this is so beautiful!" Hermione's eyes clouded of her emotions. "Would you help me with it?" She lifted her chestnut locks while her love placed the chain around her neck. Then he contentedly examined the sight. "Thank you and please don't worry about the pictures. I will take care of those" she said and laying her arms around his neck, she impassionedly kissed him.
Severus held her tight with one hand and with the other he gently gripped her hair and tilted her head back so his lips could worship the smooth, white skin of her neck. He dusted her with sweet kisses and gently nipped at her earlobe. Then his mouth wandered to her collarbone, he wanted to taste more and more, and he could feel as her excitement were growing. She moaned with pleasure, her hands held on to his black strands, and pulled him even closer. He did suspect that she had high hopes in connection to Christmas night, and he saw this disturbing thought verified by the way Hermione's light fingers wandered on his chest, slipping under his half open shirt. She was stroking his bare skin for a while then started to undo the remaining buttons impatiently. Her lips eagerly touched every new patch of skin her fingers revealed. He had to stop this immediately before passion would mop up all his self-control. He gingerly loosened their embrace, but those doe eyes looked at him disappointedly or moreover accusingly. They both were panting heavily, their minds inebriated by lust. Hermione slowly turned away at last, and tried to smooth her hair out of her face.
"You know, I've been mulling over this for a while now. Sometimes I feel like I would do anything for us, but other times it seems we make a huge mistake. This "not with nor without you" situation will lead us nowhere, that is for certain. Perhaps it would be best to end this once and for all. I understand and accept if you don't find me desirable enough" she continued in trembling voice, and lowered her head to hide her tears "or if me being inexperienced bothers you."
Her momentary pique and silliness made his stomach clench. The ire slowly found his way up, and it replaced passion. Didn't that foolish wench see how close he let her to himself already? What he risked for her? He roughly grabbed her arm and pulled her close again then tightened his hand around her wrist, and then he pressed her trembling fingers against his throbbing crotch.
"Do you still believe I don't want you?" he growled at her then suddenly let her go. He could have chosen a better way to prove her wrong. He hadn't had a woman for months now. Every Thursday, prompt at ten in the evening he used to visit a certain institute, but that was a thing of past now. The repressed desire and need was trying to erupt like a volcano.
"Then why?" she asked, covering her reddening face with her hands. "Or rather, why not? Tell me, what is this between us? I don't understand anything anymore" she shook her head then she was staring at him with teary eyes.
"I cannot name it." Severus was rubbing his temples. The pain was disingenuously crawling up on his nape, and finally it settled behind his eyelids, presenting him with sharp, vibrating stabs. "What would you call when a teacher is struggling not to debauch his student, but his pathetic attempts to stop himself and to save his character go all awry again and again? What, pray tell would you call that?"
Then answer was ready on her lips, but she was afraid to say it out loud. She was terrified of rejection. Upset, he was strolling up and down. With his feelings running high, he didn't realize that her body was shaking as she was sobbing silently. Only when he didn't get an answer for his question, he looked up at her. "And here we are again" he sighed heavily, and pulled the girl into his arms. "I'm superb at torturing you and myself, if we are at that." She was clinging to him like a lifebelt, and he tried to soothe her by slowly stroking her back. "I want you so much, I ache for you" he whispered into her hair. "Momentary you can take it literally" he added with self-irony in his voice. "Yet, my remaining sobriety warns me off every time. This is not right."
"Don't let me go! Please, don't let me go!" Her warm, brown eyes kept him captive, seduced him. He bent his head, and his lips got closer and closer to her sweet lips, and his feelings swept away all the rational thoughts again. She was so sweet, so innocent, yet her burgeoning femininity so enticing.
"Not here and now." He tore himself away from the pink lips. "Believe me when I say, you don't want it to happen here, hiding away in my office. You deserve better."
15 July 2002
It was late night when Toby finally fell asleep. He was shaken and excited, and he had a million of question related to his father and the events of the day, and Hermione couldn't satisfyingly answer even half of them. It seemed Severus after all forced her to give him room in her son's life, and she didn't tackle pressure very well. Her parents were also upset about what happened that morning. Her mother started to worry again that the man would demand the child for himself. Hermione so far was certain that he wouldn't do such a thing, for she strongly believed that the memories of their love would prevent him from harming her. Now, she wasn't that certain anymore, just as she wasn't sure that it would be right to keep him away either from their child or from herself. The desire she felt for him was stronger than her wrath, still she couldn't just forgive him. She was trapped by her own jumbled emotions, and she couldn't find the way out. Sitting in her bed, she was helplessly staring at the innocent locket that now held the pictures of Severus and Toby. She hated her own vagueness witch which she tortured not only herself but her whole family and Severus too. She drowned her pillow with her tears, and half asleep she could still feel as a light hand cover her body with a blanket.
