Author Note: Reviews are certainly not the most important thing in the world, but I was very surprised at how few I got for the last chapter, compared to all of the chapters before. I know it was a little hard going. Hopefully I didn't put some of you off! Thank you to everyone who has left a comment, or favourited/followed, etc. I appreciate you all. This story is dangerously close to the end...it's not had the biggest story arc, in terms of having a massive climax, but I hope it's been an interesting story to read. Here's what I think is the penultimate chapter...
Maura sat on the couch in her home, listening to the constant conversation surrounding her. Frankie, Nina, Angela, Jane, Korsak and Kiki. The people she cared about the most in the world. Kent handed her a glass of wine.
"Congratulations," he said, sitting down beside her.
She reached over and kissed his cheek. "Thank you. Though it's bittersweet."
"Naturally." He held her hand tightly. "But that man is behind bars, he can't ever hurt anyone else again."
"For a few years, at least," she said.
"Everybody, can I have your attention?" Jane asked. The room went silent. Kent's hand still tucked around Maura's and she squeezed it back, thankful for his support and friendship. "We're gathered here to celebrate the scumbag who hurt Maura going down, so please, raise a glass. To Maura."
"To Maura," everyone said. Glasses clinked. Maura held her wine up and felt the jolt as several glasses collided with it. She smiled as the conversation started up again. Nina and Frankie were discussing a constellation they'd been looking at the night before. What Maura would have given to be able to see the stars again.
"It's time for presents," Angela said.
"Which presents?" Maura asked.
"Your presents, silly."
Maura frowned. "I have presents?"
"Lots of presents," Korsak said.
Frankie patted her knee. "A whole pile."
A small box was placed in her lap and she felt her way across the paper, tearing it off slowly. A smile crept across her face. "I don't suppose you needed to wrap it."
"Nonsense," Kiki said. "Unwrapping is part of the fun, even if you can't see what you get."
"What is it?" Maura asked, once the paper was discarded on the floor.
"It's a talking alarm clock," Korsak said, grasping her hand. She squeezed back. "That way you'll never be late again."
"Thank you, that's very thoughtful."
A handful of other presents later, she unwrapped the final one. "Nina, what is it?"
"It's a gift card for Uber, so you can get around easily."
"Oh, thank you." Maura placed the gift card down on the pile in front of her and wiped at her cheek. She stood up and reached across the edge of the couch. "Please excuse me."
She escaped up the stairs and found her way back to her bed. Further tears coated her skin. A tapping at the door made her brush the tears aside and clear her throat.
"Hello?"
"Didn't know it was me?" Jane asked, the bed shifted as she sat down beside her. "You okay?"
"I don't know why I pushed them away for so long," Maura said. "I can't believe they bought me gifts. I can't believe that man is going to go to jail for what he did. It's been such an emotional day."
Jane ran a hand across her shoulder. "I'll send everyone home."
"You don't have to."
"They won't mind, as long as they can come visit again soon."
"Maybe next weekend," Maura said.
"I'll let them know."
She lay down on the bed, curling up against her pillow. A few minutes later, Jane returned and climbed onto the bed beside her.
"You feeling any better?"
"It was overwhelming; to feel how much everybody cares. Their gifts were considerate, and nobody tried to make me feel better by telling me to think positively."
"Sue already getting on your nerves?" Jane asked.
Maura smiled. "A little. I don't know how she does it. How can anyone feel positive when they're faced with the person who caused their disfigurement and disability?"
"They can't. Most people probably can't."
"I don't know what I did to deserve so many amazing people."
"I do," Jane said, gripping her hand. They lay in silence for a few minutes. "I didn't mean to upset you the other day."
"No." Maura tucked her hands beneath her pillow. She could see the rough shape of Jane in front of her, and for the first time in weeks, she longed to be able to see her face. "But it did."
"I know," Jane said, creeping closer, her breath hot against Maura's cheek. "I should have shut up the first time you told me what I said wasn't okay."
"Why didn't you?"
"I dunno." The close proximity of Jane's face lessened. Maura reached a hand out which collided with her shoulder. "I want to laugh with you, Maura. I want to see you smile like you used to. You used to laugh at my stupid jokes."
She pressed her lips together. She wanted to see Jane laugh, too, but no matter how hard she tried, she never would. She sighed. "I guess it's not as funny when you're the butt of said jokes."
"I wasn't joking about you," Jane said.
"That being so, as I said the other day, now I'm included in the people who were." Maura trailed her hand down Jane's arms and interlinked their fingers. "Once upon a time I might have laughed at the idea of the phrase "I had a look around" but now I see things differently. Just because there's never been someone around to tell us that that kind of joke isn't okay, doesn't mean it's fine."
"I get that now."
She reclaimed her fingers and shifted about beside her. Maura reached out again, her hand hitting Jane's other shoulder. She moved her hand up to her face. She cupped her cheek.
"And I understand that you're struggling with where we're at," Maura said, leaning closer. She stroked her fingers across her skin, could feel the movement of Jane's jaw as she spoke.
"What do you mean?"
"You like feeling needed," she said, brushing back her hair from her face. "You like that I rely on you for things. You've always been the hero, the person who saves the day and does things to make life a little better for others. That is who you are and it's one of the things I love about you, Jane. The only problem with your need to look after me, is that I need to look after myself."
Jane sighed. "You said you were going to let me love you."
"I can let you love me, and be independent." She sat up, her hand falling from Jane's face. "The two things don't have to be separate. I want you to love me. I want you to be the person I wake up to in the morning. When I'm with you I feel safe, and I feel like everything is going to be okay. Please don't ruin that."
"I don't want to." The bed shifted again and Jane's voice moved to in front of her face. "I didn't mean to."
"I know you didn't," she said, grasping at both of her hands. She clutched them in her lap.
"I really am sorry." Jane squeezed her fingers. "I'm trying. This is not what I thought we'd be doing this year. I had all these plans and everything's changed. You've changed."
"I had to." Maura paused, letting the silence fall between them. "I'm still me, the disability doesn't change that. But being disabled has changed me. I have to learn everything I know all over again. It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and I got the highest grades in my class at med school."
"I know." Jane's voice softened. "It's not your fault. That doesn't mean that I'm not still really sad about it. I wanted to go on vacation together. I was going to take you to the mountains, or the beach, wherever you wanted to go."
"We can still go."
"I was going to tell you how I felt. I was going to explain to you that when I'm with you, sometimes I can't breathe properly."
Her breath caught in her throat. Maura wrapped both hands around one of Jane's. "We don't have to go anywhere for you to tell me that."
"Things changed so quickly," she said, taking her hand away. "I'm still trying to get used to it. I've been patient, I've tried to wait until you're in a better place. I thought if I make jokes then maybe we'd be able to get through this quicker."
"It's going to take as long as it takes."
"I don't know how much longer I can do this."
"Do what?"
Another silence fell between them. Maura listened to the movement of the bedsheets, could hear Jane's feet padding across the carpet. She listened to the sound of tears catching as Jane pushed them aside.
"Hold myself together."
Maura placed her hands down in front of her and guided her way off the bed, in the direction she hoped Jane was. She moved across the floor until she could cup Jane's face again. Teardrops landed on her fingertips. "You're crying."
"No," Jane said, moving away again.
"I know you're lying."
Jane breathed heavily. "You needing me is the only thing that's kept me together these past few months."
"Oh."
"Without that, I don't know where I fit in and it scares me. I don't want to lose you."
"Why would you lose me?" Maura asked, narrowing her eyes.
"Because you don't need me anymore."
She reached out but couldn't feel Jane in front of her. "I've already told you that I do."
"I know, but it doesn't feel like that."
"Jane," she tried again, her hands hitting the fabric of her jersey. She slipped a hand around Jane's waist and pulled in close. "I need you. I need you to be my best friend. I need you to be the person I come home to after I learn something new. I need you to be the person who helps me relearn how to cook."
"You'll still be a better cook than me."
She smiled, tracing the outline of her chin. She replaced her fingers with her lips, pressing them to Jane's skin, trailing them along her jawline. "I need you to kiss me when you get home from work, and hold me when everything gets too much again."
"Maura."
"It's okay." She slipped her other arm around Jane's waist and pressed herself as close as she could get. "I might not need you to do everything for me, but that's because I don't want to be a burden. I want you to want to be with me, and not be stuck looking after me."
"I'd never feel stuck with you," she said, her voice louder this time.
She ran a hand across Jane's hair. "You don't know how you might feel ten years down the line."
"We're still gonna be friends by then?"
Taken aback, Maura narrowed her eyes. "Aren't we?"
"Yeah," Jane said, her voice cracking under the pressure. "I hope we'll be a lot more."
"That's what I'm trying to say." She reached across her face for her nose, and lowered the tip of her nose to Jane's. "I don't want you to be the person who cleans up after me. I don't want you to be my carer. I want you to be my partner, my friend, my lover. I want us to be together."
"That's all I really want, too," Jane said.
"Good."
Leaning in close, Maura brushed her lips against Jane's, her fingers danced across her back and on up to her neck. She held her steady, merging her mouth with Jane's until Jane responded and they kissed for a while. It felt differently now, like she could feel every movement of their mouths, smell every heady scent that passed from Jane's body. She trailed her hands back down across Jane's back, along her waist, and up against the edge of her jersey. She nibbled on the edge of her lip, breathless, her fingertips colliding with hot, bare skin.
"What are you doing?" Jane asked, resting her hands on Maura's wrists.
She breathed into another kiss. "Don't you want me to?"
"God," Jane whispered, cupping her cheeks. "I've wanted you too for weeks. But do you want to?"
"I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't want to," Maura said, slipping her fingers further under the fabric of her jersey. She pulled it up, hoping that Jane would respond. When nothing got in her way, she pulled the jersey up and over her arms and head, tossing it aside.
Jane's lips landed on her neck, sucking and nibbling at her skin. Maura laughed lightly, turning her head to the side as she allowed her better access to her skin. She could feel Jane's hesitation. "How does it work when you can't see?"
"I'm hoping the same way," she said, smiling. She dug her fingernails into Jane's back, unhooking her bra and sliding her hands back around her front. "I just can't see what I'm doing."
"I guess I don't need to feel self-conscious," Jane said, pushing Maura's hands harder against her bare breasts. "Since you can't see me."
"I see you," Maura said, sending a wave of kisses along her collarbone and down to the soft skin of her bare nipples. "I'll always see you."
Tucking her hands around Maura's waist, she allowed Jane to lift her from the floor, putting her whole trust in her until her back landed on the bed and Jane fell on top of her. She lay back, submissive as Jane unbuttoned her pants and pulled them away, followed by her shirt and underwear. She lay, vulnerable, under her touch.
"On the other hand," Maura whispered. "You can see so much more of me."
Jane smiled. Her cold fingers ran up along the edges of her body. She closed her eyes and pretended, just for a moment, that she could see everything if only she opened them again.
"All I see is a beautiful woman," Jane whispered, nibbling her earlobe, her hands danced across her skin. When her fingers touched Maura's face, she flinched. Jane kissed the scarred skin on her cheeks. "Don't. It's part of you. It's part of who you are now, and I don't hate it. It's different, but it's still you."
A couple of tears strolled down across the damaged skin, brushed away with Jane's lips. "I love you, Jane."
"I love you too," Jane whispered, capturing her lips again.
