In memory of Kerry McQuilten

Like afreeze-dried rose, you will never be,
What you were, what you were to me in memory.
But if I listen to the dark,
You'll embrace me like a star,
Envelope me, envelope me...
If things get real for me down here,
Promise to take me to before you went away -
If only for a day.
If things get real for me down here,
Promise to take me back to the tune
We played before you went away.
And if I listen to, the sound of white,
Sometimes I hear your smile, and breathe your light.
Yeah if I listen to, the sound of white ..

Diane knocked on the door but she got no answer, so she quietly opened the door to find Nikki lying on the bed, turned away from her. Di could tell that she was crying. Within seconds she was next to Nikki.

"Nikki, what's wrong?" Diane spoke up, pulling Nikki into a hug.

Nikki just kept crying. Diane, who was at a loss for what to do, just tried to make soothing sounds.

"You could have told me you were upset, I would have helped."

"Oh yes, and how Di?"

"Well I don't know but I could have been here."

"I suppose you want to know what's wrong with me."

"I do, but only if you want to tell me."

"Remember the Missy Higgins concert, just before she sung the sound of white. Remember what she said about that song?"

Diane remembered back to the concert.

"This song I wrote when I was at boarding school, it was for my cousin who died. I was never religious but I used to sit in the chapel at the school, and there was a peace there, that's what I called the sound of white. I remember one time it got too much, so I knelt down before some statue there. I don't even know who it was, and I dropped my head because it felt so heavy, and I swear that I felt my cousin's fingers through my hair. That is what this song is about."

Diane nodded.

"I remember that song, it's a beautiful song."

"It hurts so much."

"What does Nikki?" questioned Diane.

"The pain, Di. It's my fault that he died; if I had never left him, perhaps he might still be alive. I miss him so much, he was so young, no one that young should die, no one, but he did, he had just started as well."

My silence solidifies,
Until that hollow void erases you,
Erases you so I can't feel at all.
But if I never feel again, at least that nothingness
Will end the painful dream, of you and me...

At this Nikki started to cry uncontrollably again.

It suddenly hit Di what Nikki was talking about.

"Nikki, Billy's death was not your fault."

"But if I had been with him, and not sent him off by himself."

Before she could say anything more Di had cut her off.

"Nikki, it was not your fault, okay, he was a police officer." She stopped for a second as now she had to choose her words carefully or else she could just make Nikki feel worse.

"No one knew that there was someone there who wanted to kill a cop, he would have killed someone one day, look how he almost killed Doug."

"I think I know that Di, but I still feel guilty, and I am still so upset that Billy died, he had only started his career for crying out loud."

"Today hit you hard didn't it, I'm so sorry I should have guessed."

"No Di, don't worry about it please."

If things get real for me down here, promise to take me to
Before you went away, if only for a day.
If things get real for me down here, promise to take me back to
The tune we played before you went away.

"Do you want to talk about it Nikki? Coz I will listen I promise."

At this Nikki just nodded.

Nikki was quiet for a few moments then took a breath and spoke.

"Sometimes Di, it just feels like there is a cloud over me, like I just want to sit down and cry. Other days I don't think about it, it feels like I am finally moving on, but then something will happen. It may not even seem related, and then it all crashes down again and I feel like I am right back there and am about to bawl my eyes out. You know sometimes it's little things like the weather, and I revisit the scene, Di, in my mind. I remember it all and I get emotional.

I know what you're going to ask, why not talk to Doug? I have tried to, he just tells me to move on. Do you know that he asked me to name the man, even though I had not seen him. I knew that it was the guy, but I didn't see his face. Doug asked me to tell CID that I had seen his face, but I couldn't, I just couldn't do it. I promise Di, that I didn't do it. I just couldn't, not even for Doug or Billy."

"Hey, you did the right thing, okay." Meanwhile Diane felt a knot in her stomach, and an intense disliking for Doug started to grow, how dare he try and get Nikki to do that.


I knelt before some strangers face,
I'd never have the courage or belief to trust this place,
But I dropped my head, 'cos it felt like lead,
And I'm sure I felt your fingers through my hair...

"Did you know Di, I went to Billy's funeral and afterwards I stayed there, just to think, and it was then, that I – okay so this is going to sound stupid – but that verse from The Sound of White, "I knelt before some strangers face," well it really happened. I lost most of the remaining faith that I had that day, and I am sure that I felt Billy's presence there with me. Oh, that sounds so stupid, but it makes so much sense in my head."

"Hey hey hey, it does makes sense, okay," comforted Di pulling Nikki even more firmly into a hug.

And if I listen to, the sound of white
Sometimes I hear your smile, and breathe your light.
Yeah if I listen to, the sound of white

Hi again Guys I know that was a short chapter, but it had to be short. So I hope that you enjoyed it and please review. Anyway better go, love you all. A for Antechinus.